I lost my mum in October 2023 and never thought I’d feel the way I do. I took over the care of my mum when my dad had a stroke and then died. This has been 21 years. Mum came to live with us in December, but the care mum needed I couldn’t do, so she went into a care home in March. Mum was in ill health and had various things wrong. Professionals couldnt believe how she kept going. The Warrior, they called her. So when mum did die, I just couldnt believe it. She wasn’t in hospital or anything and seemed ok. Then she was gone. Thought I was doing ok but I find its getting harder rather than easier. Any advice please
4 Likes
Hi Winni, no real advice just wanted you to know I’d read your post and sending love and strength. I only lost my mum on new year’s day. She was 83 died at home. I’d only seen her three hours before so it was such a shock when I called in as got no reply when I phoned her. There she was on the couch in her PJ’s and a box of matchmakers and TV guide by her side. It was exactly how she wanted to go and I’m trying to take comfort from that (my dad died five years ago but had cancer and suffered greatly) but the sudden nature is something I can’t come to terms with. I’ve been so poorly since the funeral with a head cold and have ringing in my ears and also started with anxiety. GP has given me something for it but only on day nine so hopefully they’ll help once into my system. The grief we have is because of the love we shared with our mums. My mum was my best friend we were joined at the hip since dad died. Our mums know how much we love them and what we did for them 
2 Likes
Hi Titch. Thats so sad. My mum has been poorly on and off for several years but she always pulled through. She was 91 when she went. Stupidly, you just think they’re go on forever. I knew it would happen one day but obviously never thought it would have been then. I try to imagine her now with dad, whom she just wanted to be with since he died 8 years ago. I just want her back 
Its not a contest of course but i do feel for you. Coming to terms with a sudden loss must be unbearable. So sorry
1 Like
I’m holding onto the fact that mum is with dad too. It’s good to talk on here gives reassurance that you’re not alone and lots of the feelings are very normal. I thought I was going mad when my anxiety started.
1 Like
Certainly does help. I’m 67, and never ever thought I’d feel like this. At times I feel like a little girl who needs her mum. I have an amazing family who would be there for me, but they have busy lives and dealing with their own loss of their Nan. I should be looking after them not the other way round. We’ll get there Titch I’m sure. Early days. This helps x
2 Likes
Sending love to both of you Winni and Titch. My mum passed in October 23 aged 87. Shed had various health issues for many years but had managed to live independently until the final year. We were incredibly close and i reduced my working hours so i could support her and take her to all her medical appointments. Then she had a fall and after a week in hospital in December 22 we were told she probably had hours left to live. I was heartbroken- she had broken no bones and we couldnt understand her rapid deterioration- she was practically unconscious. So we asked to bring her home for her final hours. Amazingly once she saw she was home, she started to gradually improve and say a few words. She continued to improve so we got doctors to agree to continue treating her. She started talking again and was able to walk short distances with a frame and some help. Sadly she never regained full mobility or independence so I moved in and became her full time carer - and lost my job in the process. She lasted another 11 months so i know i am blessed that we had that time, and that she had her wish to die at home, but my heart breaks now when i think of how incredibly difficult that last year was for her - there were times she just cried and said she didnt want to live anymore 
And now she is gone, it feels like the best part of me has been ripped away. My dad died over 20 years ago (mum was convinced they will be reunited) , i have no partner, no children and no job! When i think of the future, it seems so pointless. You’re right, the fierce grief is because of the fierce love we had and still have. I just cant imagine having to live another 5/10/20 years feeling this empty. Hugs to you both 
2 Likes
Awww @Ally6 your relationship with your mum was so special I try to think that because of their daughter’s love our mums were able to live a happy life. When my mum lost my dad after fifty years of marriage I like to think that I was able to help her live again. She missed dad terribly but our relationship enabled her to continue to enjoy life for the five years without him. That however comes with it’s pitfalls that we were so close that now she’s gone I’m lost. I know my mum would be saying I need to ensure I live my life. She would hate the fact that her death has affected me like this. She was dignified in life and dignified in death and I need to try to take some comfort in that
2 Likes
I lost my dad a little while ago and my mum some years ago, so much the same situation but the other way around. Dad and I grew much closer after mum passed and I relied on him a lot to cope back then and since (I hope I helped him too). But now I’m completely broken and like you feel that it only gets worse. Not sure I can advice, but I emphasise and send hugs.
So sorry, Titch. I have a ringing in my ears too, I think it’s from stress but it’s exhausting and anxiety-inducing in and of itself.
1 Like
@Ulma let’s hope it’s temporary. I’ve had an awful head cold since mum’s funeral which is only just clearing but doc says my ears are blocked. It’s not helping me to sleep at all. X
1 Like
It started with a cold for me as well. I guess it’s all connected somehow. Let’s hope! I have the TV on to be able to sleep, the voices drown it out a little (plus it makes the emptiness less overwhelming).
The first few days after mum died I had to keep the light on. TV I agree helps! I’ve got an appointment at a hearing clinic on Thursday anyway as I was already treating wax build up. I’ve read stress can create more wax so that on top of virus congestion isn’t going to help. X
1 Like
My ears ok but developed eye infection this week i think from all the crying then rubbing eyes! Currently trying to type with warm flannel over one eye! 
2 Likes
Aww bless you!
Hope the hearing clinic can sort it! I’m still waiting for a an appointment. Stress creating more wax, well, I didn’t know that. Interesting!
Ouch. Poor you.
Hi @Ally6 @Ulma how are you both doing? I surprised myself yesterday felt a bit calmer, kept busy, popped to see a friend, walked the dog etc. however at the solicitors this morning so may not be too good today. Hearing clinic this afternoon I’ll let you know how I get on @Ulma How’s your eye infection doing @Ally6 hope it’s clearing up.
1 Like
Hi @Titch7674 - glad you had a good day yesterday, good luck at the hearing clinic. Not been a great couple of days for me, been feeling physically exhausted and emotionally low so trying to rest as much as possible. Went to opticians about eye and now have heat pack and massage regime i need to do twice a day! Had a bereavement support group this week but unfortunately it didnt go too great so just feeling a bit fragile and in need of my mum to give me TLC!
2 Likes
Aww @Ally6 sending you a big hug rest up and look after yourself. It’s hard isn’t it that at the hardest time of your life when you need you mum she isn’t here. I’ve just been to the house. Find it really difficult to go back.
1 Like
Thanks for asking! Glad you felt calmer yesterday. It does help to keep busy, but everytime I pause for a moment it hits me again.
Yes, do let me know how it goes! Fingers crossed they can help. 