It was the 11th march when my Mum passed at 50 years old. I struggle knowing that I’m only 32 and I don’t have a mum anymore. I have younger siblings and wonder how they cope but they seem better at coping than me. It’s already been said that I’ve been hit the most with it. But I was her first born and next of kin so had to make all the arrangements and work as her executor.
My youngest brother actually said to me the other day that he wants me to stop bringing it up because he wants to get over it. I know people grieve differently but that hurt x
Hi Jess, I can understand why that hurt you I don’t see how you can just get over losing your mum. And particularly being the oldest and having to deal with your mums estate. I’m in the exact same position. I’ve had to organise mum’s service and planned everything and will have the pressure of selling her house because I’m her next of kin, so it falls to me. It’s so much responsibility. I am also only 32. I can’t believe I have this on me with no one older in my life to support me. Mum was everything to me so I feel lost and scared to be alone without her. I have a lovely husband but no other close family to help. I’ve just tried to make sure I am doing what I think is best and what I think she’d want. She’s always on my mind and I just want to do her justice as she deserves it. It sounds like you’re doing the same x
I’ve been a member of this ‘group’ since August and have read many posts, but not posted anything until today. Cee, what you said is exactly how I feel. I lost my Mom very suddenly in January and I still can’t believe it. I pop things in my basket at the shops thinking ‘Mom would like that’ or do things at the house ready for when Mom comes home then wham - it hits me - Mom isn’t coming back. It’s not nonsense Cee, it’s our minds trying to make sense of what’s happened (although it doesn’t make any sense does it). Take care of yourself. X
Thank you. Yes it was so overwhelming doing everything and organising it all, and there’s still so much left to do with sorting her house and possessions. She only passed away just over 2 months ago. I know what you mean, any age is devestating, but I also only know 1 other person our age who has lost their mum. Must of my friends have both parents, and lots have their grandparents too. I feel so alone that I have no parents or relations I’m close to. I also thought I’d have her around for so much longer… It’s too young to not have a parent’s support. I struggle with that. I feel like it’s so unfair. Mum wasn’t ready to go Please feel free to pm me too if you ever want to chat as it seems we’re in similar situations x
What I had issues with when sorting out her affairs was that she didn’t have a will in place nor did she have estate and everyone I contacted they were after these things I simply had no access to and it was so upsetting explaining the whole situation because it made me feel for her even more cause she didn’t have much at all.
Despite her not having much she had so much love and kindness in her, and I know how much I meant to her! I hate this new life without her.
Aw Jess your mum sounds lovely. My mum was so kind and generous too. She would literally light up a room. My mum also didn’t have a will in place or much apart from her house. I’m having to apply for probate just so I can sell it. It’s awful but at least we had mums that we meant everything to? I try and console myself with that. I’d rather of had her, than a mum I wasn’t close to who lived until I was much older. It’s not much to hold onto but it’s something. I wouldn’t swap her for anything x
Yes the allotment . My son wanted me to help with my late husband’s allotment. We both did our best. Despite our best being far short of how my husband struggled being ill before he died, we got a lot of veg amongst the weeds we couldn’t control. Our plot looked scruffiest and unkind folk kept nagging us to give it up. Just because they didnt want to do another overgrown plot. But we resisted and I paid for the plot. I don’t know how I did what I did. My son’s expectations were too much but I grew veg in my garden despite the slugs feeding on it.
I ate baby cucumbers, chard, spinach, runner beans and potatoes, mint, chives and sweet corn from the allotment and wonky carrots, lots greens and raspberries.
The squash never grew.
The parsnips are growing. Lots and lots of weeds pulled and they never stopped.
We gave away a quarter of plot because we thought ok. Everytime I ate a mouthful I thought of him. The beans sticks did not blow down in the wind. Little tiny grandsons tried to help a little. The vicar said when my husband was buried. We’re planting a seed. I had no idea what he meant at the time. He said he wasn’t there. He had gone to Heaven. I struggle with that half the time if I am honest.
But was the seed all the stuff that germinated some of it from the plants that still grew from what he planted?
When I pull weeds from our garden I tell myself maybe. I chop down the bushes that pop up and try to keep them under control. It is only 10 days away to the first anniversary of when he died. What now?
My husband went to work one day and didnt come home. He had a heart attack and the police came to see me to tell me. I still think he will come through the door. I do know it is not possible but part of me wants it to be. Its 5 months now and we were married 40 years. I miss him so much.
@Woo4 omg, I did the same thing. I wrote it all down in case I forgot. I wanted to remember every detail from that day. I was on my own & I just hope he knew I was there. It’s good you were also there & we have our memories, however traumatic. Like you say, it’s nice to have someone who understands what this is like. Xx
@Laura8 That must’ve been difficult, especially if you had a ritual every year. My Birthday was just weeks after he died but it passed in a blur, like you say, it was just existing. We’ve since had Father’s Day, mum’s Birthday & her anniversary. My Niece turns 13 in December so that will be difficult. Xx
@Jess1 I’m actually the youngest of 4 & feel I’ve shouldered a lot of the burden, maybe because I’m the only girl. Grief takes many forms. One of my brothers is only now open to talking about Dad but my eldest brother & me text everyday. Everyone deals with it differently as long as you leave the lines of communication open with your brother & he knows he can talk when he’s ready. Just remind yourself you’re doing a good job. Your mum would’ve been proud. Xx
Hi @Anj21 Welcome to the forum & this thread Thx for your input also. Sorry you find yourself here. I’m the same when shopping for stuff I think Dad would like, especially now coming upto Xmas. Like you say we’re trying to process a new existence & one without our loved one makes no sense. I keep thinking he’s still alive somewhere & not come home. Take care too & Thankyou. Xx
I feel sadder than ever . I just started crying in the supermarket when I saw some of the things he used to ask me to get for him from there … so hard everyday !
How are you guys all doing today ? @Cee@Hazell@Woo4 @ @Anj21
Hi Laura. Bless you, it really is hard and everything reminds us of them. I’m back at work, which is so difficult to put on a brave face every day and act like my life is going on back to normal, when inside it is absolutely not. I had a colleague mention the Christmas socks I’m wearing, and how it’s too early to wear them. It just immediately made me think ‘well my mum bought these socks for me, so they make me think of her’ , and a wave of sadness washed over me, but on the outside I just shrugged it off. I can’t share these intimate details. It makes me feel very alone in my grief. X
@Laura8 bless you, I’m the same, I went shopping but really didn’t feel inspired or motivated to prepare for Xmas. I actually had anxiety & nausea like I did at the beginning. Seeing the coffee aisle, he loved his fancy lattes. Everything is an effort, I just wanna scream. Xx
It must be the time of year that and the longer they have been gone making it even worse ?
My Dad loved a nice coffee too sooo miss him coming round every week for his Nespresso
Awww definitely wear the socks . I keeps as many connections to my Dad as open as possible .
How is work as I haven’t managed to go back in yet and only working 2 afternoons a week working from home x
@Enorac wow, you have been busy, full credit to you & growing stuff. I’ve thought about doing it for my mum. Dad was more the destroyer when it came to gardening, nothing stayed for more than 10 minutes. He loved ripping stuff up, plant or weed, he wouldn’t discriminate I quite like the planting a seed analogy tho but like you I struggle with the heaven stuff. Sorry you’re almost at the year mark, that must be a weight. Have you thought of how you’ll mark the occasion? Xx
@Hazell That must’ve been dreadful, losing a loved one is horrendous but circumstances make it worse. My mum’s the same about Dad. She thinks he’s upstairs or outside. That missing person seems to scream absence doesn’t it. The thought that they no longer exist is soul destroying. Xx
I don’t see how you can just get over losing your mum. And particularly being the oldest and having to deal with your mums estate. I’m in the exact same position. I’ve had to organise mum’s service and planned everything and will have the pressure of selling her house because I’m her next of kin, so it falls to me. It’s so much responsibility. I am also only 32. I can’t believe I have this on me with no one older in my life to support me. Mum was everything to me so I feel lost and scared to be alone without her. I have a lovely husband but no other close family to help. I’ve just tried to make sure I am doing what I think is best and what I think she’d want. She’s always on my mind and I just want to do her justice as she deserves it. It sounds like you’re doing the same x
Please feel free to pm me too if you ever want to chat as it seems we’re in similar situations x
Thx for your input also. Sorry you find yourself here. I’m the same when shopping for stuff I think Dad would like, especially now coming upto Xmas. Like you say we’re trying to process a new existence & one without our loved one makes no sense. I keep thinking he’s still alive somewhere & not come home. Take care too & Thankyou. Xx
I quite like the planting a seed analogy tho but like you I struggle with the heaven stuff. Sorry you’re almost at the year mark, that must be a weight. Have you thought of how you’ll mark the occasion? Xx