It’s really difficult as I think because I try and put on a brave face, they presume I’m doing OK and handling things well, when inside I’m really struggling. I don’t connect with most of my team either, they are very different from me so I don’t think they get me or understand at all what I’ve been through. It does help to have something else to think about so I’m not just wallowing in sadness at home, but I wish those at work could understand how hard it is for me more. They have no idea how broken I am inside. I don’t blame you for only working from home, we need time to process everything. I wonder if I went back to work too early as I probably needed more processing time. But I also went back as I needed the money 
x
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I hope that the memorial bench will be in place by my husband’s grave by the first anniv of when he died. I will go there with some floral tributes with a poem wrapped in cellophane. Not sure can ever really mark it when it clashes with our grandson’s birthday not that I get invited to his party on day but how can my son mark it on his son’s birthday when he is torn between putting on a smile for his five year old? My husband wouldnt want that. He would say celebrate the living and remember me that I would not have wanted to spoil it
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I totally understand what you are saying. I am 5 months in from losing my husband. I have not yet gone back to work. I work in big office where everyone still has there husband’s. I plan to go back after Christmas as cant face the talk of parties and outfits etc. It will be too much. When i do go back it will be difficult as they wont know what to say. I will not be able to talk about what i got up to at weekends like i used to. Its going to be so hard yet need to do it at some point. I cant afford not to work unfortunately.
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I know what you mean about putting a brave face on . I’m lucky in that I got paid but I’ve only been back for two half days a week this week and cried to my boss and colleague each week ! They were kind but they can’t help .
I found it difficult going back and seeing how my life was before this happened .
Hats off to you for going back . It’s hard not being able to relate to people . I hope you are doing ok today xx
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At least I dont have problem about going to work but still catty on with bit voluntary work which i struggle eith as fainted because I was doing too much and still try but a struggle. It helps in some ways.
But get pressure before I am ready to return to more challenging part organising chikdrebs craf on a rota. Cant do all that as well yet. Get presuure to return to the groups in reality I used to go to but I have declined. I went outside which feels easier as am nervous about not wanting to catch covid. But i an a carer forvmy adult son so cant not do that. Also mind 3 grandsons which helps. Feels like work trying to sort out things and cope alone.
Do all tge voluntary work my husband did which has involved oassing it over but still it wont leave as people still contact me about it. But that has been good with hindsight as have had to engage somewhat however hard.
Trying to organise two holidays felt like work to me.
So when I cant cope and feel weary with all the grief work I remind myself that I dmcan do what I can not what i can’t. It has felt like work to produce a painting again and write poem’s.
When I mow and clean up. I just do not get paid. End up others want to be paid. Endless forms.
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Hi @Laura8 thanks for checking in. I’m exhausted to be honest. I find myself saying ‘I’m ok’ as a reflex to people and then thinking why am I saying this when I’m not OK at all? I am devestated, depressed, and heartbroken. I have no joy and just distract myself with pointless things just to get by. I feel like my future has gone - I have no joy anymore and nothing to look forward to. I also feel so lonely as my mum was my whole family, I have no one but my husband now. So yeah all these things at once and it’s so exhausting. How are you doing today Laura? X
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It reminds me when all our parents died within a year of each other plus having to go to work and care for kids. That was in mid 1990s.
Awful to feel orphaned. Now look back and grief is sure part of my life over the years. Won’t go on about how many.
All different all consuming at the time. And now slammed with the bieggy and alone with my kids and me next.
So I have to be both of us. Just cooked a pork chop frozen chips spinach and carrots. Guess is this looking after myself. Cat has the grizzle.
Washed up, sorted out few bits needed. Planted more daffs. Spoke on Tel for ages
Watched Remains of day on TV went on a zoom group now it is dark. cuddle cat. Do this fall asleep
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Well to be honest I feel exactly the same . Could have written that .
I’ve felt very low today and my husband has been away for 4 days so I just feel quite overwhelmed now too running about after our son which I’m
fine with but it’s been a bit much now . I also worry about my Mum as she has this so much worse than me being married for 50 years to Dad.
Heartbreaking . I wish there was something I could say to help .
Xx
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Hey @Laura8 I’m pretty much the same as you, felt low since last week. It’s like I’m waiting for it to get better, like an illness, but I know Dad’s never coming back so that fuels the anxiety & dark thoughts. Thanx for checking in on me lol. How’s things with you? Xx
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Just the same .
Feel like I’m grieving for my old life a little today as well . Wishing I could go back in time . Reliving moments . Possibly feeling sorry for myself which I try hard not to do .
Not actually sure if I’ve accepted he has gone to be honest.
It’s a nightmare isn’t it
X xx
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@Laura8 You’re right, I wish I could go back in time too & the reliving moments. I think there’s part of me still not believing he’s gone & then the truth comes rushing back. It’s a horrible existence of which there’s no escape apart from watching crappy Tv which feels predictable & safe. Xxx
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This week on countdown to Saturday when anniv when he died last year. Today I went in the garden picking laurel and ice plant dusky pink flowers to prep to make a floral tribute; sorted out oasis; soaked ready. Write poem tomorrow. Read all these grand ideas on line other people have but me too weary to organise this year perhaps another year. It has been challenging enough trying to finalise the headstone and still not finally signed off. Still got this fog to cope with. No idea if his bench will be in place by then or not. I know it could be but until I see for myself I won’t believe it. Has been such a journey to get it finally approved, ordered, planned etc.
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I didn’t realise how much grief can affect your confidence. It’s like someone has thrown the jigsaw pieces of your life up in the air & now nothing fits together. Today I just feel so on edge & nervous despite me telling myself to calm down.
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Aw @Cee it’s awful, isn’t it. The anxiety of life without them. I also find telling myself to calm down doesn’t help either 
So I just try and distract myself. Come on here and send a message, or put the TV on, or go outside for fresh air and a walk. Is there anything like that you can distract yourself with that might help? X
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@Woo4 thx for the quick reply. It’s come out of nowhere today. Grief really is horrendous. I’m glad I’m not alone in it. I think I’ll try watching YouTube or maybe even a walk. I didn’t sleep last night so that hasn’t helped. Thx for the suggestions 
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When i lost my husband Mark of 40 years 5 months ago i suddenly got anxiety and felt i couldnt do anything, not even make a telephone call. I used to be such a confident person and yet now i question everything. I cant even face going back to work yet. I feel weak .
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@Hazell My mum’s remarked on a similar feeling. Suddenly making all decisions being top of the list. Unless you go thru it you can’t appreciate that wound it opens & it’s not like it’s suddenly going to rectify itself. This change is permanent. I hope you’re having a better day. X
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I’ve had a such a horrible few days . I don’t think my brain can accept what has happened. I just can’t believe he is gone .
@Cee have you thought about taking an meds for anxiety . I took some for some thing different a couple of years ago for a few months and it does take the edge off ? Not for everyone though I know …
xxx
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Thx @Laura8 & sorry you’re also going thru it. I know exactly what you mean. You soldier on or try to, but reality keeps whispering: he’s gone you know….I’ve been prescribed propranolol but I’ve tried to use it sparingly upto now. Have you looked into grief counselling? Xx