Its 11 months since i lost my husband of 50 years and quite some time since i posted on here . I thought I was beginning to come to terms with my situation but the last couple of weeks have been incredibly hard and I have spent more time in tears every day than I have for a while. A week ago it should have been our golden wedding, in three weeks it will be the first anniversary of his death and Christmas is approaching fast and I’m dreading it. I have a wonderful daughter and amazing friends and yet lots of times, like right now, i feel the need to talk to someone and there is no-one there. I knew it would be bad when he died, he was ill for a long time so it wasnt totally unexpected but I had no idea just how bad it would be. The pain just goes on and on. I tried to explain to a friend, its not loneliness, its “aloneness”, its that there is no-one there, that whatever needs doing you have to do because there is nobody else to do it. The days are better when I’m busy but sometimes I feel like a hamster on a wheel, running like mad and getting nowhere, keeping busy so i dont have time to think or feel. People keep telling me its early days but this last year feels like eternity and the thought of this misery going on and on appals me. I know I’ll probably feel better soon, its very much peaks and troughs, but i just needed to vent.
Friends can’t begin to understand how it feels to loose your special person, the one who knows you inside out, the one that can give you a look that only you two understand. The one you have shared good and bad times with the one who gets you that special birthday card. It’s unbearable BUT I try to feel lucky to have been with my special person my husband. Keep strong, all the best x
@Lynne48 So sorry for your loss. Its 19 weeks since I lost my husband and I thought I was coping but the last couple of weeks all I have done is cry. It would have been our golden wedding anniversary next May a day after his birthday. Its the little things that set me off. My son-in-law who I suppose means well said something yesterday that upset me and I didnt sleep at all last night just thinking about it. Silly I know but he has always been very abrupt and my husband didnt really like him much but we tollerated him for our daughters sake. Families eh. I did get a couple of hours sleep this morning but still feel so tearful and it really does wear me out. As you say it is the ‘aloneness’ , not being able to discuss all the little (and Big) problems. I dont think anyone realises how hard it is grieving for a partner unless they have been there, I certainly didnt. I too am dreading Christmas but I must be cheerful for the children and especially the grandchildren but I know I am already dreading it. Stay safe and take care. Sorry for jumping on your post but just had to have a rant.
Hi All. I am having a really bad day as well. I thought things would slowly start to get better but after the initial numbness the pain is terrible. I miss him more now than before. It is good to keep busy but I am exhausted most of the time and just want to cry. I am going to see our son soon and I am really worried about travelling on my own. It will be the first time I have done this alone but I know I have to carry on. There birthdays are one day apart in November and I don’t want to do it. Love to all of you. Xx
It’s nearly 9 months since I lost my husband and I thought things were starting to get better, but these last couple of weeks I’ve felt awful. I too cry a great deal, again, and little things seem to spark me off. Maybe it’s the weather, the nights drawing in or approaching what would have been his 64th birthday next month. So here I am again on a Saturday all alone with my thoughts and fears.
Hello everyone,
I’m so sorry for you all. Reading all your posts is ‘lovely’ because I can resonate with so much of what you are all saying.
I too had stopped posting on here for a while , because it all became a bit too overwhelming.
I’m 14 months in now, and I can honestly say the last 3 months have been the hardest of all. I find everyday such hard work. I’m totally exhausted all the time.
The other day I got a text from an old neighbour, who I haven’t heard from for a few months. She said "I’m sure now you’ve got the first year out of the way, (Only 2 months late!!) And dealt with all the firsts, you’ll be feeling better!!!
Made me want to SCREAM so loud!!!
Why can’t people understand.
First I’m not ill, so it’s not about getting better!!
I’m just so sad, and so lonely all the time, even when I’m with people.
I just miss HIM so much, I miss US so much, and I miss ME so much, because I’m a different person now, and I liked the old me more.
So yes the title of this thread, ‘The pain goes on’… Is exactly how I feel.
So thank you to you all, for sharing your pain, and allowing me the space to share mine.
Love and hugs to you all 
You said it exactly:
I’m just so sad, and so lonely all the time, even when I’m with people.
I just miss HIM so much, I miss US so much, and I miss ME so much, because I’m a different person now, and I liked the old me more.
I miss me so much now, lots of love to you x
@Kathy6
It’s so blood hard isn’t it
I’ve just painted that smile on my face , and about to take out two dogs for a walk to our local pub, for tea time drink where me and my husband went everyday. The staff are so lovely there, they reserve ‘our table’ everyday.
That did it for Phil after COVID, when he needed protecting, and still do it for me. Everyone is so kind to me, but it’s so sad sitting in pub without my favourite drinking buddy.
Lots of love darlin’
I totally agree that the dark nights and cold weather does not help. I lost my husband 5 months ago and although i did start to feel like i was improving , this week seems to have set me back . I miss him so much. It was so unexpected and a huge shock. Life for me is so different.
Used to like the cold and dark nights when we shut the world away, didn’t need anything or anyone else at times. Hope you get on ok, keep strong x
Thank you, you too
I lost my mother 44 yrs ago, & my dad in August. I have my daughter, but I miss my dad so much, he was my friend, and I went to him for advice, and his help if I needed it. My dad was ill for 3 yrs before he died. My daughter looked on him as a second dad. I to dread the yrs ahead without him, & like yourself I dread christmas. I have consulted a number of mediums, some bad, making me feel worse, some good. I sometimes wish I could rewind time to have him back again. I feel your pain, as I feel the same way to. Take care if yourself.
Oh Lynne - I’ve just been through the first year anniversary of my husband’s death and feel just like you. I have no direct family but good neighbours and friends, but nothing replaces your lifetime partner and fully understand your ‘aloneness’ - so well described. I’ve been having NHS phone counselling and fully recommend it as friends expect you to be feeling better by now - but they don’t. It is helping me. Do ask your doctor about it. Sending hugs xx
Hi Lynn I know exactly what you’re saying I lost my husband martin last year 18 th November iv cried so much thus last week my heart feels lonely we we’re together for 43 years I can’t see how I want to be so alone work and grandchildren keep me busy it’s those long empty nights and mornings domes days I manage others I want to curl up shut the world out you take care
I understand exactly how you feel. Every single thing to be done, is on you. Dealing with all the problems in the home, getting all the shopping and things in, no matter what the weather, or how you feel.
My worst nightmare is dealing with the car. Every single thing to do with the car is a personal torture for me. The car we had when my husband was alive, blew up on me 18 months ago. I have very little money so finding one I could afford, that wasn’t rubbish was beyond what I could cope with. I ended up going into a terrifying dealership, and just saying yes to one that looked reasonable. In the last 16 months I’ve realised what a big mistake I made, and it has cost me nearly £2000 in repairs.
The latest thing is today, being told by a garage that it hasn’t got the wheels it started out with, and is why it runs badly. The man then added “But, it’s not that important, and the car will still get you about okay” I was so relieved at those words, I could have cried, and I did after getting off the phone - profusely.
Everything in life is such a struggle, most days I just want my life to end. Being part of a couple, ie man and wife, is a completely different world from being an individual person. In fact I think that when one person dies in that partnership, the other should go as well, because it is just a torturous life, especially if you had no children together, as it is for me.
Sorry if I’m depressing for others on here, but this is the reality of my life.
I’m lucky I have my daughter. My dad was wonderful. My mother passed when I was 13, and she was in ill health before that, I wonder how my dad coped. I am not nearly as strong as he was. I really hope things get better for you, and my heart goes out to you. Take care
I’m lucky I have my daughter. My dad was wonderful. He was the best dad and grandad anyone could wish to have. Like you I am dreading christmas too. Take care
Do you not have a (preferably male) friend who could help you with things like the car? I know exactly how you feel. Even changing lightbulbs, replacing batteries and generally coping with everyday things sends me into a nervous tiz! If you ask, people are often knly too happy to help. Xx
hi lynn. I can’t pretend that it’s going to be easy. anniversaries are hard to come to terms with especially one as significant as yours. I know what you mean by aloneness. although it sounds like you have fantastic family and friends, but it’s not the same as having your loved one with you. only you will know when you feel better. my husband loved Christmas Day, but hated the build up. I used to call him bah humbug. I am going to a friend for Christmas lunch. and you’re right nobody knows what it’s like unless they’ve been there. people mean well but sometimes their words are futile. I just want to say I miss him all the while. I’ve just had my brother staying, his wife died 3 years ago. unusually he opened up to me and told me he feels the same as I do. he lives in America and says that if it wasn’t for the children he would probably come back. I think he’s looking through rose tinted glasses. his wife was everything to him as well. as he is 82 years old this might be his last visit to the uk. so it was doubly sad to see him go.
Hi Lynne I lost my husband Mike in May this year and we would have been married 45 years in July. I miss him every day and will do until the day I die. I agree with you about the aloneness. I cared for Mike for a long time and he couldn’t always communicate with me in the last couple of years but he would smile when I came into the room and melt my heart. It is so hard to get up each day and know I won’t see him but I just keep going.
Unfortunately that is all we can do. Take care xx