my wife died in my arms. lots of people saying what a lovely death in the arms of the man she loved and I agree but the price I pay is the trauma and terror and agony of those few minutes. love costs SO much for those of us left behind. sorry but I’m really not good this morning.
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@BobY . Its not selfish. As much as we’ve all lost someone we would gladly have back, now all we can do is think of ourselves to get us through this pain. We will never forget those who have gone before us, NEVER, but what to do but ride the waves that are going to hit and some hit hard. Talk to us hear, we know, we don’t judge, we feel the anguish with you.
Sending hugs 
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thank you. I’m just having a bad morning. it’s only been a few weeks and my brain is mush.
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@BobY im so sorry you are going through this . Lately I have been having some rather selfish thoughts too I’m ashamed to say . My gorgeous man literally died without any warning from cardiac failure, which I realise is so much better for him as he knew nothing about it . My thoughts now are why couldn’t we have had some time in full knowledge of what was wrong with him . So we could say goodbye properly and plan ahead for the future- well my future obviously. Which is why these feelings are totally selfish. I would never ever wish suffering upon the person who I love most in life , but I’m so inadequately prepared for this new existence. I’m permanently anxious about the future and the present actually. I’m not doing anything at all in our house which I’m finding far too much to deal with on my own . I’m missing him beyond measure and I’m absolutely heartbroken- my heart literally hurts when I think about the love we shared . So many conflicting emotions and feelings here , but I know some of them are selfish because I really can’t cope with this awful existence called life alone xx
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please don’t be ashamed. we’ve been dumped into a completely different life from what we thought we had and are surrounded by people who haven’t gone through this and think they understand how we should feel. the one selfish thing I always said was I wanted to go first but I’m so glad I didn’t to spare her this nightmare, even though this is unbearable. xx
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Hi BobY
I was in the same situation and often find it hard to get the final hours, minutes and seconds out of my head. We all have days like your having, just do what you want, cry, vent or remember the good times. I can’t say it ever leaves you but gets easier to deal with I guess. Sending hugs
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@BobY well I do wish we’d at least have gone together then neither of us would be suffering like this . Actually I know he’d suffer immensely if I’d gone first , however he would be so much more resilient and able to cope with practical issues. I’m literally falling apart and wondering just how much longer I can do this for xx💔
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@Bekind i really hope it gets easier you know , because I often think what did we do wrong to deserve this terrible fate ? That’s all I can say at this time although hopefully in the future I will have a different outlook. xx💔
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I honestly know what you are saying as I had the same thoughts believe me and some days were so bad I had negative thoughts. I then thought what my husband would be saying…he would say you’ve got to live as the kids, grandkids have already went through enough. I still can’t get over his death and struggle daily, however I do what I do for him and live for the day we meet again 
if you ever need someone to talk too I’m sure anyone on here would be happy to help. Take it a day at a time…bloody hate saying that as that’s what I used to be told and felt like saying…do one!! However, we have no choice but to carry on, hard as it is xx
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Five months ago I went to work and said goodbye to my husband. Never thought that was going to be the last time I saw him. I knew he was poorly but not that poorly that he was going to suddenly die. Feel so guilty that I didn’t notice that he was so ill and feel guilty that I wasn’t with him when he died. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. On the Sunday I got a call from my son to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. Still no ambulance so I started CPR and scream for him to come back. He didn’t and now I got this horrendous life. I am thinking of you all and sending lots of love Xx
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Omg sending you massive hugs
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@Hazel.1966 thats a similar scenario that happened to my man except it happened in the doctors surgery. I wasn’t there , because we thought he going for something trivial. By the time I managed to get up there , my Baz was gone and my life was changed for ever. I’m still feeling panic from the shock which I’m sure you can identify with xxx💔
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Dear Bob,
You are NOT selfish; you are suffering and your mind is hardly your own to know what it is thinking. All you can do at the moment is feel and what you feel is pain - a pain mixed with fear, as you can’t see a future without your beloved.
I am deeper into this landscape. Many call it a journey but “journey” is a word that conjures up purposeful travelling and a known, or at least, imagined, destination.
This dreadful condition is far more like wandering, lost in an unknown, hostile landscape, without a compass or even the sun to give us some idea of where we are, let alone which direction to take.
This is where you will meet those of us on this forum, some newly joined, others who have been travelling for some time but all carrying the same burden of grief that no-one outside the landscape can understand. That’s why we are writing here, so that we can feel “normal” for a while and meet those who do understand.
My husband and I were together for just short of 60 years and all my friends (not that I have many left) and the one family member still surviving, tell me how lucky we were to have had what they see as and I know to have been a perfect marriage. I thank God, always, that we both knew how blessed we were, not with children but with each other. Perhaps it is not given to many to find the one soul who is truly our completion. I thought I was complete and living a happy life until I met my dear one and only then did I know the sort of love that binds two into one.
It is a sheet of paper, written on both sides. One side cannot be taken away without damaging the other.
People think I’m selfish for wanting more after being given so much already but I can tell you that old age is not a good time suddenly to be widowed. No time is good but friends who were widowed younger (some very young) tell me that the resilience and strength of youth - perhaps children to be brought up, professions to pursue, a good income to be made - all help the grieving process. There is also the undoubted possibility that a whole new life will open up. Perhaps that’s no consolation to the newly bereaved and not what they want to hear but all we have to do is look around and see that it’s true.
For very elderly widowed people it can be truly frightening and a real struggle for many, just to manage alone. I am one of them and dread the future. All I know is that it can only get worse than the present.
I have been told that life goes on, not to wallow in self pity, that I’m just depressed and some pills will cure it etc. I have heard it all from friends who mean well but haven’t an idea what this feeling of being utterly lost in an alien landscape feels like.
What does “moving on” mean? Can anyone tell me? I am not "wallowing " or “depressed”. I am grieving, missing my love, missing his voice, his chuckle, his arms round me, his strength and reassurance. I’m missing the joy he brought to each day, his dry wit and general cherishing. We really meant our wedding vows and he never let me down in any way. I was proud to be his wife and still am.
I can’t go on because it is tedious for other to hear and I certainly don’t do it when with other people but I dare to say these things here because you understand. Grief and mourning are normal responses to such a shocking bereavement. Of course we wish we had longer. That wouldn’t be so had our love been less.
When my husband was dying (killed by ignorance, neglect, incompetence and lack of proper facilities in a hospital that had given him COVID) I pleaded with God to take me instead. I would have willingly taken his place. Now I know that was selfish. Now, I can be glad that I was not allowed to die in his place but made to live in his place. He is spared this suffering. He would have coped practically and physically far better than I as he was the strong, capable one but his loneliness and heartbreak would have been the same and I could not wish that on anyone, let alone my own dearest.
God bless us all.
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thank you. we had 45 wonderful years together. you have to experience this to understand it. I buried both parents and all 4 grandparents as well as my beloved in laws and nothing, NOTHING comes close to tis paint xx
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" this pain" b%^&* auto correct
Hi Bob
I’m sorry your having a bad day, hope it improved.
You really have hit on a good point. Like you I was with my husband when he breathed his last. I was nursing him at home single handed and proud to be doing it (if those are the correct words). We was alone at the time. I thought I was a strong person and would somehow cope but the trauma of watching them go really is agonising and far worse than I ever expected. We are broken by those last moments and then have to find a way to mend. I am getting there and accepting my life as it is now but those last few moments never go out of my mind. The cost to us is extremely high.
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Sending hugs. And thank you
@Prof I just wish that I had 60 years with my husband. I only got 25 years. Could of had another 25/30 years together. I Knew him for 31 years. My husband died suddenly at the age of 53. His life has been robbed and our future plans and dreams have gone. My son is 22. Every one grief is unique to them and many others on this site has lost their partners at a younger age. I think I could accept it more if my husband lived to a old age . My husband would of seen my son milestones in life. I hate this new life and want my old life back. There is no way that I am going to replace my lovely funny husband. I do understand how awful it must be for you to lose the love of your life Big hugs xx
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@Hazel.1966 well said, we always thought we would get to 60yrs married because we were only 16 & 19 when we married. It’s hard to loose someone no matter the age I get that too. Although I was lucky to have had my soulmate in my life we were married for just a couple of weeks short of 41yrs and all in was in my life for 43. He was my first and last true love and always will be …God I miss him more than ever…sending hugs to you xx
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