The sun is making me feel worse

Lost my husband of 30 years just before Christmas last year. I liken what has happened to being on a train on the main line that is suddenly derailed forcing me to take sidelines to carry on to my destination - wherever that is… I am ok quite a lot of the time because I have made myself busy but suddely the sun has come out and it’s warm and I have nobody I can suggest a spontaneous trip to the coast with or whatever
It seems worse somehow…I thought I would feel better in the summer…

Glad it’s not just me…lol

That’s how I feel. We often took spontaneous trips to the seaside or went a run somewhere nice for lunch on a sunny day. I also miss planning and going on holiday together and even though I go away with my sister it’s just not the same and in some ways makes me miss my husband even more. It’s hard. x

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I miss going for long walks and then going for dinner can’t replace the things we did as a couple. Miss it so much.

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I do things with my sister’s and my friend but it’s just not the same is it?
Christine x

Ladies, to all of your posts - me too! I really thought the improving weather and lighter nights would give a sense of relief. Oh no…just more memories stirred up, more reminders of what we will never do together and more effort to keep the smile painted on my face. Happy Easter? I think not. Cx

My memory of the lovely hot summer last year was that it was spent sitting in hospital at the side of my wife’s bed and then two weeks sitting in her room at the hospice. The hospice staff managed to get her into an adapted wheelchair twice and I was able to push her out into the sun and into the garden. One of those days we sat round a table with friends who had visited and talked and laughed. My abiding memory afterwards is that my wife said it had made her feel normal.
I spent last summer envying people getting on with their lives and doing all those things we couldn’t do.
This year is going to be different. I’m going to try and find that elusive enjoyment, and hopefully a long hot summer will be part of that.

Ah that’s good. My problem is that it has only been 5 months after my husband’s sudden death and I am still trying to process it. Last summer we were having wonderful holidays; now I am scratching around tryi g to keep myself occupued and the sun just seems to mock me!

I feel exactly the same cheated of us growing old together. I get angry why us. My sister’s have got their husbands and partners and it hurts.

Your memory of last summer was so sad. I really feel for you. I was in a similar position but not quite so intense. Brian was weakening but still at home and out and about within reason, it wasn’t until September that he suddenly weakened and became bedridden. To be honest I didn’t much like last summer as in the south we had months of heat and absolutely no rain. Having allotments I had to go and water the veg so often, much more than usual, that it was driving me mad and in a moment of frustration I said it could all bl…y well die. Brian did his best but he was in pain and couldn’t do too much, so I made light of it and did his plot as well. I’m an outside person so the heat going on for months was too much. Getting up at the crack of dawn and being back stuck inside for 9a.m. and then not going out again until evening, no walking, too hot and tiring, is not my idea of fun. Normally I never moan about the weather as I think we should be grateful for what we have and the British weather isn’t that bad compared to other countries. But you enjoy your summer, no matter what, you deserve it.

Hi there. Brian died in November and I thought the dark nights would be awful but to be honest I quite preferred them. I felt I could shut myself away from the outside world in the darkness and didn’t like it when the lighter nights came. However I am becoming accustomed to them now. I would take the dogs out just before dark and walked the street looking at the Christmas decorations, they managed to lift me a little. Our life will be a whole load of memories for the rest of our lives. Brian and I were keen walkers and I am now doing those walks on my own but I am doing them and have been out all morning today. Beautiful scenery, birds singing, fields of buttercups, bluebells just starting. So much to see and admire. I know you don’t feel like looking around you, you have this great weight weighing you down just as I have and I cry at the slightest thing and know what you mean about the smile. I cried when I started the walk at 7.45a.m. this morning but I was pleased I made the effort in the end and that’s what it’s all about, making an effort to carry on living some sort of a life.
Good luck to you all and HAPPY EASTER. Pat xxxx

I know what you mean. I really have to hide my resentment . Not just around older couples but couples my own age. The unfairness takes my breath away.

Morning ladies, I did sound sorry for myself yesterday - oh dear :frowning: I find when things “change” (e.g. improved weather) it sets me back and sharply reminds me of all the others things that have been lost along with my husband. This weekend we would have been packing the picnic for the sausage sizzle and would have had the family round for a BBQ. I miss so much from my previous life but what I find awful is this flatness that is with me all the time. My mood ranges from down, low, sad and flat. I miss feeling excited, happy, optimistic - these moods are my natural way of being. When do they reappear? Will it always be this way? My tolerance levels are also poor - fortunately I mutter my oaths under my breath - unlike Ricky Gervais in Afterlife!
I know nobody in my situation and so find this site an absolute necessity for my sanity. I seriously think I would have gone mad without it. Have a good Saturday everyone. Thinking of you all. Cx

Like you I know no-one in my situation
My wife died last July aged 51 I’m 52 and if here is nobody I can relate to.
It was my wedding anniversary this week and we would always go away for a short break.
I have had one to one councilling and also group councilling which does help but no-one my age. Even my councillor said to me that It was extremely rare for a man to be widowed at my age and that there was very little support.
I have read many books on grief and how to cope. I do go out and join in things and have family and friends to do things with but as they say I have nobody to do nothing with.
I have really tried hard to move forward but find I’m going backwards it’s beaten me.

Hi Me2, I completely agree. It’s such a difficult place to be. Death of a spouse is so devastating- not matter what age or circumstance. That is not in dispute. I found this article really helpful,
I know what you mean about open/ private comment. Anyone who knows me and accesses this site would be able to put 2 and 2 together and my “nom de plume” would be exposed. Posting on this site is the most risky thing I’ve ever done!! ( How sad am I!). However, what I type is what I feel. It helps me and if some of my posts help others than I’m all the more pleased. Do you think your children know about this site? My daughters (23/20) look to me for comfort / help/ advice/ solace. As do my mother and mother in law. They would not even consider website help. Seriously if I didn’t have this site I would combust.

I’m not really answering your question though, unless we private message and set up a email group and reply all I think that’s all we could do and I’m not sure that’s in the spirit of this site?? Maybe a mentor can advise? Cx

Hi Cristal, I’m so pleased you made the point that it is no matter what age group you come from it’s still devastating. I thought that when you got older and lost a partner you could accept it as part of life. NOT SO. There is no age limit to total heartbreak.
I can only speak for myself but I would never have thought to come on a website like this one if I wasn’t lost in grief. We have nothing to be ashamed of, even if people can put two and two together. We are all speaking out about our feelings, that we don’t wish to burden family or friends with. It is helping us to come to terms and hopefully we can help others as we move forward.

I agree, it’s just so complex as we juggle relationships, family needs and our own personalities and situations. I now just say to people who try to commiserate to me… “ well it’s just the hand in life your dealt, and that hand can be dealt to any of us at any time”. There’s not really an answer to that other than “yes”. Sadly, as I am turning into Ricky Gervais #Afterlife; I care not a jot that folks may be uncomfortable with this. Cx

t do not really want to take this any further but will say that my grief is no different to anyone else even if I am a bit older. The loss of someone that you love so very much and older couples can also love just as intensely as younger couples, can break a heart just the same. I agree though there are different types of bereavement. I have lost people near to me but never have I felt such heartbreak as losing my beloved Brian. As I have said I (wrongly) thought that when you got older you could accept the loss of a husband/wife/partner, but this is absolutely not so.

One of the things that has stood out for me whilst reading this forum is the absolutely massive difference in how loving relationships have been portrayed.
It’s therefore no surprise to me that the process of grief has such marked differences, and that it doesn’t appear to be specifically related to age, gender or anything else that bears analysis.
I’ve lost my mother, my wife, my aunt, my cousin and a friend in a comparatively short time, and absolutely nothing else compared to losing my wife. However I wouldn’t expect that to be the same for anybody else.

The same for me, I have lost my nan and grandad and mum and dad and felt what I thought was grief but to lose my Brian just doesn’t compare. I am lost in my grief this time. I agree I have noticed other peoples grief that is different to mine. Have a nice day. Pat xxxx