There is hope.

Ive been sitting in the sunshine, with book, guitar and iced coffee. Ive been looking back at the last 18months since Penny (my wife of 49years 11months) passed away.

What a journey!! Most people on here are fairly early in journey, and I remember how their seemed to be very few adjectives to describe the absolute horror and fear which were thrust on us.
As the minutes, hours, days, weeks and months passed, I was able to climb slowly out of my pit. Today, I am happy again, only occasionally having a teary spell.
How,? I had a plan, I allowed my gang of wonderful friends to sit, talk and encourage me, I talked to Penny every day (and still do). Plus many other things. The regrets, fear, anger (all the emotions we know) have gradually disappeared to be insignificant.
Ive forgiven Penny and Myself for things which could have been different, we were both human!

Through it all I tried to keep a positive attitude, and I think that has been the most important thing.

I wanted to post this because I remember those early hopeless days, and I see lots of us on here who remind me of myself.

Being happy again isnt at the expense of how much I love and miss her, because she is always with me.

But with a positive attitude, and a lot of time, things will get better. We owe it both to ourselves and those we love.

ITS NOT EASY! And it takes a lot of work, but you will be ok.
I’m looking at Penny’s photo and smiling, in fact I often do that!
Please dont give up
Good luck!

59 Likes

Thank you so much for this. I am 3 months in and it is still very raw. Just had a rollator delivered which will help me get out of the house providing I can get it through the doors. Not trying it yet as it is way too hot. Your post gives me hope that the future won’t be as painful. Still cry whenever I talk about him and his death. Xx. Sandra

7 Likes

What a lovely positive and true post. I think remaining positive is the key but positivity is hard to find at the beginning.

I feel a lot had to come from within and the attitude you have moving forward. It isn’t easy but does get easier in time.

I do also appreciate we all have different stories and outcomes from the losses which makes moving on positively a challenge. It definitely does help though.

6 Likes

One thing I’d recommend is going to tinybuddha.com and follow it.
Almost every day we get a new philosophical message.
Almost every one points me in the right direction, or puts me back on track if I de-rail myself. Ive not gone as far as buying a saffron robe -yet

3 Likes

Yes @Ali29, very difficult in the early days, so its time for few little steps, and in time the steps begin to get more frequent and a bit longer

It reminds me of that true saying “,When you are up to your arse in alligators, it’s difficult to remember you are trying to drain the swamp!”

4 Likes

@tykey thank you for your positive post. At 21 weeks in I definitely feel I have progressed quite a bit from the early days but still a long way to go. But your post gives me hope that there may be more good times ahead.

6 Likes

Tykey, thank you so much for your positive post! Although I’m not so far on my journey as you I too are trying to have some positive times! Don’t get me wrong I do still have dark days! I love my husband and will always love him and whatever happens in my future will not replace what we had! However, that doesn’t mean to say I still can’t move forward which is what he wanted. I am a big believer that life doesn’t just happen but that we have to be instrumental in our own destiny! I feel I still have a lot to give and a lot of living to do but now I have to do it for both of us. J x

5 Likes

Great stuff @Jax2 . I used to have dark days , but as time goes on they become dark hours, and now dark 10 minutes. But it also gets easier to spot the thoughts which cause these spells, and consciously replace them with happy memories. We’ve got millions to choose from, haven’t we!

4 Likes

Thank you for this post…I can but hope…but it gives me some :love_you_gesture:

4 Likes

A big thankyou from me too, @,tykey. Your inspiring posts are just what I needed to read today :pray:

1 Like

One thing I did, which might help, was to look at my new life after Penny died as a new separate chapter in “The life of tykey”. My last chapter covered the 50 years of marriage .
Early on I wrote the outline plot, and filled it in as I went along, bit by bit.
The good thing is that the previous chapter is still there, and I often go back to remind myself of how good is was for us. I often chat to Penny about our memories in there

5 Likes

What a lovely idea. Part of my new chapter is my new year holiday. Daunted but excited at he same time. J x

1 Like

Way to go. @Jax2.I
Ive been feeling a bit down for a couple of days, so I went back to the plot of my new chapter. I soon realised when talking to Penny over breakfast that my plot had run a bit dry. Such as not having any more holidays booked (yet), or anything else new. So I remembered that I always wanted to study and photograph all the myriad insects in my garden, and write a blog about it. So already this morning, Ive dug out Penny’s camera and enrolled on a photography course.

I have a bit of a one-off do on Sunday, because I’m thanking those people who have been in my “team” of people who have given me huge support in my darkest days. Im taking them all out for an “eat as much as you can” tapas meal. That’ll be really nice, and clearly end the dark days of grieving. ie I’ll start a new sub-chapter!
They have been my “Rainy Day People”, a song I have learnt to play and sing to them on my guitar. I would play it in the restaurant, but I dont want to get us all thrown out!

4 Likes

Thank you for your positive posts @tykey. Gives us all hope xx

Where are you off to on your holidays @Jax2 ?

What a beautiful song. Definitely my kind of music although I must admit it did make me cry. I hope you don’t mind but I think I might have to steal that phrase. I’ve got some great ‘Rainy Day People’ in my life. I’m going to Brussels for New Year. It’s a holiday for solo travellers! Not sure I’m up to watching lots of couples celebrating New Year together! J x

3 Likes

Thank u for putting on these positive things on here it has made me feel bit better x

1 Like

I’m not feeling too positive and optimistic this morning! In an attempt to smarten myself up a bit, I bought three pairs of trousers. It seems that I’ve shrunk. I bought the size which has been a perfect fit for 50 years (leg length, rather than waist, which has increased). Where have the 2 inches gone???
I really do miss the myriad skills which you ladies take in your stride. Like turning up hems!.
So this morning I’m taking up the challenge, and armed with half a mile of wunderweb and a pair of scissors, I’m going over the top!! Wish me well!

Penny will be looking over my shoulder, telling me everything I do is wrong :kissing:
It’ll be an interesting day in my new chapter, but Ill feel great if I succeed.

5 Likes

You will manage fine as we all do.xx

3 Likes

Tykey. Stay positive! You have been so good at helping others with your positive attitude! If it was me with the trousers I’d have either returned them or taken them to a dress maker! It’s hard to do the the things your other half always did! After all we were a partnership. I’ve told family and friends of mine to take notice of what each other does because I for one never thought about it before. We both just got on with it! Me I’m having to pay someone to do the garden, which I was reluctant to do to at first! My attitude now if you can afford it then do it! If there’s one lesson I’ve learnt then it’s I’m not taking it with me!! J x

1 Like