I am okay if i keep my mind busy but then i stop and reality sinks in that this is now my life on my own and it breaks my heart to think that i could have years feeling this way if only i could see him walk up to me give me a big hug a kiss like he used to but that seems like a nother lifetime to me and one that i would gladly go to if i could grief is so overwhelming at times and i know it’s not going away anytime soon so love to you all going through this sad existence xx
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Hi @Bess1
I’m exactly 1 month behind you.
My Phil passed away 24th August 2022
And I’m exactly like you , go through the motions every day, nothing is enjoyable, and nothing to look forward to.
And like you, wonder how the hell the hours, days, weeks, months have passed. How have I survived without him???
Hugs to you 
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Hi Cathphil
Exactly…… how have we managed
I just don’t know
We used to go away in the motorhome weekends winter when Paul not busy
The way things have gone with caravans Motorhome’s popular sites got booked up and you can book a year in advance
I did that always had something to look forward to enjoy
We were content in our own company I loved tine with Paul it was our time we loved Keswick we went walking
I cannot believe we will never ever do that again
I don’t want memories I want to make them
Paul always said it is what it is
I know he wouldn’t me like this but I can’t help it
Tears just flow
One of my school friends said the firsts are the worst
I know that …. We all know that but in 25 th July am I going to join the wide awake club
No it takes as long as it takes 1,2,3 years I don’t know but this is living hell and yes I know I still have a life
I want my life with Paul and I cannot grasp I’ll never see him speak to him sit in the car with him go in the motorhome with him watch TV with him eat meals with him
The list as we all know is endless
And yes folks just don’t get it
Hugs to everyone
Xx
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Eight months today since I lost my husband Kenny and I’m sat here thinking the same how did I get here without him. I think it’s because every day is just the same now……nothing to plan for or look forward to. We had no family of our own and our families stay quite far away, nobody has been through my door for a couple of months now but I’m getting used to that and at least I have my little pup. Hugs to all going through this journey xx
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The sad fact is until someone finds themselves living this life there is no real genuine support out there you have to rely on yourself. when the front door closes and I’m alone with my thoughts and memories its a lonely life. I cannot expect people who have not gone through this grief to understand.This is why i love all of you on this forum that know and appreciate the sorrow the pain the lonliness ,you have all walked and are still walking this existence and i know i can find comfort in this place called loss. love and thanks to you all xx
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That’s exactly how I feel Joy, we are all walking the same path, we can express our pain on here and everyone understands, I am finding a lot of comfort on here, 
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I dont blame you ! Dont you dare get involved in their problems when they didnt help you !! Xx
Same here !! 
rubbish innit ! I do have a family who have refused to get involved ! So therefore i will not be speaking to them ever again ! X
Hi
Yes it’s hell
I buried Paul’s ashes in our village church I visit him 2/3 times a week
Lovely sunny night tonight hellish I find folks doing stuff and we aren’t
That’s what’s in my head
Finished watering plants and I needed to come and have a word with him
Tell what I’ve done these last couple of days…. through tears of course
Folks do t get it
Lonely …… don’t answer that phone
I know we don’t do anything for return but friends could sometimes just pop in
One of our ‘friends’ I’ve I seen twice since Christmas
I know they don’t understand but no empathy at all
One day she’ll be like us devastated
As for couples anyone older than 68 Paul was 68 I could punch them!
Take care everyone
We aren’t living just existing
Xx
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Don’t u have any kids or grandkids, they are what gets me out of bed in the morning, they still need me and I see the pain my son is going through with the loss of his dad I couldn’t give up on life and deliberately do that to him I think that would be selfish of me. My granddaughter still gives me joy and sadness as she was the apple of her grandad eye so it hurts but gives me joy as well, if you have family please use their support 
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Aww Deb I’m sorry your family are like that with you when you need them at the most painful time of your life. My family have been great and do phone to see how I am, but as everyone says…you have to experience this loss to know how we all feel. I think they all think I’m doing okay but they don’t see what I’m like on my own or how it feels. Yeah it is rubbish and you just want to scream at them that no….I’m not ok I’ve lost the love of my life and it’s a living nightmare. At least here on this forum we can say how we feel knowing others understand. Take care and hugs to you x
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I know … dreadful isnt it ! No empathy at all ! You would think it hadnt even bleeding happened ! Im beyond disgusted with them all !! Horrible, horrible people ! But then they always were tbh ,i just had forgotten cos my husband looked after me all these years ! X
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Hi
No we don’t have children and grandchildren……. But on Paul’s side ( he was a twin) our sister in law is a star married to Paul’s twin
So have support there and from her son and family
My family farm over the road from where we live
I’m a farmers daughter tbf my mum and dad could’ve written the history books
Farmers daughter marries and becomes someone else’s ‘problem’…… always been the same
So no support there whatsoever
Families!
Xx
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So brave!!
I’m so sorry to hear Ur own family aren’t there for u, I know that feeling. I have 2 sister’s and haven’t seen them since my husband’s service unless I initiated it, but won’t be doing it again. At least u have Ur hubby’s family though that must be a bit of comfort to u. I think myself lucky in some ways because my oldest son lives round the corner and has been my rock even while he is in bits himself, I also have a friend who is constantly on at me making sure I get out of bed I do things and she doesn’t stop, she lost her husband when he was only 50 so she knows exactly what I am going through, I am so sorry Ur mum n dad are not supporting u 
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Indeed !!! Know the feeling ! Arent human beings awful ? Xxx
Hi
To be fair in all our situations you really find out who your friends are
My school pals yes we kept in touch Christmas cards etc have come up trumps
One in particular ……she worked in mental health and certainly can read my mind
She knows behind closed doors what I’m going through but to be honest only folks on here actually do
I lost my dad in 2005 when Paul passed and I told my mum I was struggling she said
I lost your dad and got through it I suggest you do the same
I rest my case
And
Yes I still visit my mum
You only have one mum
Xx
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Dear Sheila,
We haven’t spoken for ages but I haven’t forgotten you.
I am so sorry your ‘friends’ are so useless and unfeeling. not to mention selfish! How dare they expect you to be sympathetic when they didn’t bother with you when you needed them? Please start thinking of yourself and let these people stew in their own juice.
At the end of the month, it will be three years since Tony died…3 years! It has been forever and yet no time at all. Life has gone on, not the same obviously, nothing could be without him but I am lucky in that I have a great family who all live locally. For their sake I have made an effort and got on with my life. Tony and I discussed this once and agreed that we would be as brave as possible. He always said that our children’s lives shouldn’t change because one of us isn’t here any more. He was adamant that whichever one as left, they would be independent (as much as health allowed, obviously) and that when the children visited, it would be because they wanted to and not because we expected them too. I am lucky in that they visit a lot, especially our granddaughter, even though she is now 21 and madly in love! She often brings her partner with her when she visits and I think the world of him.
Sorry, I have rambled on, as usual. I have been very quiet lately because I have been very poorly, but thankfully, the medication they have given me is helping a lot and I am now out of danger, which is a huge relief!!
I hope you are managing to have some sort of a good life. It is hard, but the only way forward, I think.
Take good care of yourself, and please write soon and let me know how you are.
Big hugs,
Ann xx
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Dear lonlely i hope you don’t mind me saying i am quite new on this forum having recently lost my husband of 49yrs i am 66 yrs old and struggling with this life i am now having to live. Can i just say your post has moved me to tears as you seem to me to be the most kind caring and supportive friend to others when it is you who need support and kindness at times too you have not got mug written on you to me you have angel because you expect nothing from others though i think you deserve some your husband would be so proud of how you conduct your life and he must have been an amazing person to have been your husband please take care of yourself god bless you xx
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Thankyou too i only hope i can be half the person you are and being 80 yrs of age and fit and well doing what you do is wonderfull love and hugs to you too 
xxx
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