They all drift away ☹️

22 weeks now and I am so alone. Nobody calls. My daughters were here all the time at first supporting me. Now one is very depressed herself having lost her job. She hasn’t called or even texted me for over two weeks. The other seems fed up with me and keeps cancelling. She has her own life. I can’t even see my neighbour because of lockdown. She is recovering from cancer. Honestly it’s worse than in the first weeks after John died. After today I will be on my own for at least 6 days. I have no energy to do anything other than watch TV.

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its just so shitty. I didnt get to that stage yet but know it’s coming. Cant imagine how we should cope. Did you have lunch or can you find something to have? xxx

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Hi Johnswife
Lacking energy goes along with I cant be bothered and then whats the point.
I set myself one task a day. That sometimes involves just getting out of bed and going out the garden for 5 mins just taking in the air.
Tomorrow I will cut back the small plants. Might only do one who knows. Might not do any see how it goes. I dont beat myself up or expect much from myself.
I eat once a day unless i am hungry.
One day it may be better but for now I will go with the flow. Hopefully we all see a bit of improvement soon

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I find TV does not work for me, I do find stuff on YouTube, I can choose the emotional level, so travel to places we shared, talks on subjects that take me out of the situation but are uplifting in some way. I avoid pure distractions as as I would end up where I started. There are some good speakers on it.
I have found authors of books etc. Saves buying the book.
I keep food simple, I am no longer a keen cook only for one person.
Yes, it is so tough though. Some days I drift hopefully to make up another day. Be kind to yourself. X

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I think the time of year makes it worse. John always made me smile no matter what. How I miss those big hugs and being told he loved me. Every day. :broken_heart::butterfly:

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Yes, this is it the mutual love one support on tap. X

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Hi Johnswife
I’m afraid there comes a time when you have to become responsible for your own life. Your daughters are also grieving and might be finding it hard to cope with your grief as well. And having lost her job you daughter will be worrying about this and all the complications it will bring her. Grief and losing her job is a lot to cope with. You might need to offer her your support now, so give her a call and ask her how she’s doing.
I hope this won’t offend you but really I am thinking about your well being. If you sit in your house watching TV all day, how do you expect to see anyone. You have locked yourself away and if it’s human company you want then you will have to go out there and find it. No one comes knocking on our door I’m afraid. Smile at people and show an interest in having a chat, it’s not that hard.
TWMA has given you some sound advice. Give yourself one or two tasks a day to do and then give yourself a pat on the back for doing it/them. Go for a walk, catch a bus, go for a drive, do some cooking or even clean the cooker, anything to break the monotony of sitting all day watching TV as I’m afraid that this will cause you to have no energy or interest in being bothered. It’s all a vicious circle I’m afraid but with a bit of determination you can do this.
Don’t be tempted to blame the lockdown, you can still go outside and get some exercise. Sorry if I sound harsh but I am also alone, two years on and have had to find my way of getting through this time.
Your daughters will probably find it easier to visit or call you if you have something interesting about your day to tell them.
xxx

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@Pattidot I am sorry but you have absolutely no idea what my life is like. I don’t drive, I live in a place where there are no lovely walks, no neighbour, no community. How do expect me to give my daughter help when I am in the most terrible grief? I am supposed to go out smiling at strangers when I am broken. You remind me of a friend from the USA who told me to keep my chin up. I should stop being so grief stricken so my daughters will come and see me!!! What planet are you on? 22 weeks @Pattidot I really don’t understand why you bother to post when your so called advice is very unwelcome and actually caused me a great deal of upset. I am crying because of you. Are you a tough love kind of person? You really are quite offensive to be honest. As someone who posts on here regularly you don’t seem to have any empathy. If you have successfully moved on from your own loss then good for you. Your advice is unkind and not wanted because it caused me more grief. :broken_heart::broken_heart::frowning:

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Hello Pattidot,

Our guidelines ask that you respect other users feelings. I truly believe your comments were meant to help Johnswife, but they have obviously caused some distress.

I have left both your post and the reply live, but please have a read of the guidelines.

Best wishes,
Audrey,
Online Community Team

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@Johnswife is it worth calling your daughter who you say hasn’t been in touch. Me and dad keep in touch every day. But the effort is 50/50. Well maybe 70/30. With me doing most of the work. I don’t mind though. But maybe your daughter doesn’t want to keep bothering you whilst she feels so down aswell. Maybe she’s worried that her depression is too much for you. It’s easy for you both to drift whilst you feel so broken.

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Hello Pattidot. I think you were perhaps a little harsh with Johnswife, I’m sure with the kindest of intentions. Like me, her loss is recent, fresh and raw. We are only 5 months and 4 months “down the road” respectively. Life for us is unbearable, we can see no light at the end of our tunnels. Please don’t judge us for being the way we are, we have recently lost our lifelong loves and companions.

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Our guidelines ask that you respect other users feelings.

The exact words are

Don’t post anything that could cause upset

Which is quite meaningless, because what can cause upset is so subjective that we might as well never post anything again … we need to do away with this stupid moderation where freedom of expression is stifled because a post might cause upset, at the end of the day, in society, there will always be people with different views, it is up to us to ignore views we disagree with and which upset us, not try and shut them down. Are we allowed to say this, or am I going to get banned by Sue Ryder because I caused someone upset with this message?

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Well said John’s wife, A brave and true reply, no one knows the circumstances of each individual.
Like you I live in an isolated place, it was not when we moved here but services were axed and the surgery moved.
I have have similar advice from someone who should know better… I had to put her kindly but firmly in her place!
My own age is against me are is my variable conditions.
At some deep primal level I feel that at this time of year, that is coloured by lock downs too, there is a natural survival instinct to hibernate and nurse our grief and ourselves.
Losing a life partner is totally different than losing others, this is not to say it is more or less painful, it is however very different. Especially when a marriage has been long and fulfilling.
Looking at my own situation I know it would have been different again without COVID. The natural support was no longer there. We had a private funeral with two attending, it did have a quiet beauty, but we all missed hugging, loving and sharing stories. Holding the space. Other societies are better at handling death, grief and love.
Do whatever you need to get through this, I think there is a danger if we bottle up our feeling and emotions, there is no time scale, qno universal prescription.
Sometimes we may need professional help If grief is prolonged, I remember the advice from years ago when someone said the first year faced with the pattern of Firsts, is so difficult, the second year one is more prepared.
Yet I know many who although plan carefully are still triggered unexpectedly decades later. We cannot be truly kind to others unless we recognise when we need to be kind to our self. Empty pots quench nobody’s thirst.

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Charlie molly i agree with all you have said it was a bit harsh we all grieve in our own way there is no right or wrong way bless you all

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@Jooles45 I should have said I haven’t seen my eldest for two weeks. I have texted and called her but she doesn’t contact me. :broken_heart:

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From an outsiders perspective I would like to say that I agree with Pattidots and Abdullahs posts.
Johnswife is going through an awfully tough time and is in the early stages of grief when everything is so pointless and bleak.
Pattidot is further down the grief journey and able to impart some practical and helpful advice in the art of survival and self preservation. The comments may have seemed a little harsh but they were well meaning and said with experience and care.
Not all posts on sue ryder need to be sickly sweet and sugar coated.
Having spent 17 months feeling sorry for myself since the sudden death of my mum I need to try and pick myself up for my family who are still around and need me.
Anything we post can cause upset to someone as abdullah says but people will stop posting for fear of doing so if we arent careful.
Cheryl

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Dear johnswife,
Like you I felt so bleak yesterday and overwhelmed with deep despair. that feeling was despite making myself do some cleaning and gardening. It all felt so futile. I have friends and family I could speak to but some days no-one can say the right thing.
I think in one of your other posts you said that you will be moving which is something to look forward to.

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@Audrey Thank you. I really don’t understand why someone would bother to post the way @Pattidot has done. I think the rules are very clear and it was obvious from her remarks she knew full well she was going to cause upset . :broken_heart:

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Yet again I pressed send before I meant to!!
I was just trying to say try and get through the next few dark months. Perhaps when you have been able to scatter your husband’s ashes at sea you will find some sense of peace which at the moment is so elusive. Being able to sit and look at the sea will be a balm for your soul.
Having lost your father and then your husband suddenly you have had so much to cope with. I’m in a similar situation so I know how overwhelming it is. Keep posting and there will be support even on your darkest of days. Take care.

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@Jobar I am moving if the sale and purchase goes through. I have to wait until January for that to happen. Weeks and weeks of lonely life without John. I was just expressing how I feel. I don’t like my own company. :butterfly::broken_heart:
Thanks for the second post. I have lost the two most important men in my life in a very short time. I still wish I didn’t wake up every morning. I had a short time when I thought I was copying and tried to be positive. I would never kick someone when they were down. :butterfly::broken_heart:

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