@Jobar Thank you so much and I know you are in a very similar position to me. I suppose these ups and downs are all part of the grief process we are forced to go through. I just don’t understand why such a wonderful kind loving man had to die. We are meant to be together. Take care.
@AliceA You are so right losing a life partner is the most terrible thing that can happen to a person. I have had many tragic deaths in my family in the last ten years. John was always there to comfort me. He was always there by my side. People can say the most insensitive things usually because they have no idea what the grief is like. I hope life is kind to you and that I will have a better day today. At least it’s not raining.
I think many of us are not in a position to get in the car and drive to see friends or to hop on a bus etc. That is why life is so especially hard for us right now. Like Johnswife I don’t drive, there are no buses near where I live and it is out of the way at the top of a very steep hill. That means that walking far is out of the question. If I take a taxi where do I want to go on my own? Also my family live nearly 200 miles away.
We just live for phone calls and e-mails every day. Please folks don’t be too hard on us, we are doing our best to make a life.
Sometimes people lack imagination, they only see things from their own perspective. We are all in a fragile place, you have great courage to move so no wonder you have days when TV is enough.
Once we moved and although one of our children had only lived her teenage years there before leaving home to work and eventually marry, she never quite forgave us.
I suppose too it depends on the age when we are left, for those younger with children, those with careers, those with good health, those who still drive, the list goes on, the grief may be similar but the solutions are so different.
Yes, the sun is shining, the house is warm and I have food in the cupboard so more fortunate than many, I am grateful this helps. BUT it is tough I miss the shared smile, the touch as we passby, the hugs and shared humour.
Some ‘solutions’ are only temporary plasters.
Take care, I hope you have a smoother day. Xxx
Wise words xxx
Many people are understandably floored by the death of a parent. When the grief is compounded by the unexpected and untimely death of a life partner on whom we depended for support it reaches another dimension. Shock also can determine reactions in a way that seems illogical to others.
From an outsiders perspective it is always so much easier to solve problems. Grief doesn’t do logical. It is chaotic, unpredictable and lonely. Most of my friends have lost both parents now but they have had a supportive partner by their side. Trying to deal with my 91 year old mum who is frail with multiple health problems and grieving herself was going as best it could until my husband died. Add into the equation our two distraught sons (one of them deeply traumatised) it really is a case of the blind leading the blind. On some days that light at the end of the tunnel is dimmer not brighter.
Suggestions are one thing but realistic ones are the only ones worth listening to. Each and every one of us has a different background to our grief. On so many levels. Age, mobility, location, finances, circumstances of the death or deaths.
Encouragement is one thing on a general level but needs more care taken when being directed at an individual.
Dear @Johnswife, I totally understand how difficult life is for you. That you don’t sit at home and watch TV all day out of choice, but that you do it because you simply cannot do anything else. There have been times in my life when I haven’t left home for weeks, times when I have been in my room (which has an en suite shower, toilet and mini fridge) for days without leaving the room, and people keep saying that you need to go out, being in your room all day isn’t going to help, and I know that, but I am not in my room all day out of choice, it’s because I am unable to do anything else. So I am really sad for you and the way your life is at the moment.
However, I don’t think it is fair for you to say Patti “knew full well [that] she was going to cause upset” and that she doesn’t seem to have any empathy. That’s because empathy works both ways, and when someone gives you advice, you can disagree with it but still acknowledge that that individual gave the advice with the best of intentions. Patti was once telling me how I should start walking again, she didn’t seem to realise just how difficult it will be for me, I didn’t accuse her of lacking empathy, on the contrary, I was grateful that she was taking the time to write to me with the best of intentions. Patti has gone out of her way to give you her opinion, much of what she says actually makes sense and is good advice, it’s just the nature of online forums that text doesn’t always capture the tone and can therefore end up looking harsh, when it isn’t meant to be. If you disagree with her advice, that is fine, you can explain why you disagree, but it isn’t fair to accuse her of intentionally trying to cause upset, at the end of the day, she lost her husband too and isn’t here at this forum just for the fun of it.
I hope you are doing ok today.
I hope you have a better day today.x
Abdullah I do agree with you. Written messages are so hard to decipher the tone of. Having seen lots of Pats messages I absolutely know that her heart was in the right place. And further on the process is able to impart some really valuable advice. I hope @Johnswife you have a better day. Maybe you could arrange a little lunch with your girls. If they are not responding to you then tell them you miss them and would like for you to all get together for an afternoon.
I was a long term carer for my Mother, so I perhaps can see the view of the daughters. Sometimes, it is difficult to tread water yourself, without trying to hold someone else’s head above the water. If your daughters are not in contact, it’s because they need to take care of themselves for a while. Perhaps, once they feel ready, you’ll all be able to ‘pull together’ to cope with your collective sadness and grief.
Grief is exhausting, draining and deeply sad for everyone and at the end of the day we must all put one foot in front of the other and somehow keep going.
Pattidots post was to the point, but don’t think it was cruel. I am sorry that it made you upset.
In the oncoming weeks and months, I hope you manage to take some ‘small steps’ each week to improve your wellbeing. Personally, I believe the suggestion of a walk is a great one, if you are physically capable.
I do understand how raw and painful it is, but we must somehow look after our health.
Reading the various messages perhaps we all need to consider the sometimes subtle differences between
a) Supporting people who just need people to really listen to what they need to say, without judgement. They know the answers deep inside but need to churn the problem to allow the solution for them to surface. They are talking about feelings, emotions that can overwhelm.
b) Gentle suggestions about what has helped the writer plus making clear it is only what worked for them may well not work for anyone else as we are all unique.
This can be still a bit like walking on eggshells.
c) giving uncalled for advice, my advice is don’t. If we really cannot resist then a private message may be more helpful and kinder as it could invite a dialogue. Dialogue means dripping in ideas sounding these out but above all act as a sounding board.
It is good to share experiences, sometimes they fit and sometimes not.
I came and on here when I hit the six month blip. I found that so many others found the same.
For me I felt that at first there was so much to deal with, I visulised it like an adrenaline wheel that first spun was slowing down then stopped but went into a backspin.
Reading others had experienced similar was a comfort.
People mean well but really we know so little about each other, yet friendships are made.
Unless invited we could become the negative tipping point.
In private conversations we can ask the what ifs, the how comes and undstand a little more.
The question of free speech has come up, I think this is a red herring, it is one thing to be able to freely say how we ourselves are feeling, and quite different to say what others should feel or do. We do not know how it is on the receiving end.
Ah, I self talk all the time😀
@AliceA @Jobar @Tillwemeetagain and everyone else. Thank you for your comments. I think the main thing to come out of this is that we really are all so very different and when trying to help we need to remember we don’t actually know the person. I have limited mobility so being advised to go out for a walk hurts but then the person just assumed because that was a solution for them it would be for me. Please don’t make suggestions based on what you can do like going for a drive or taking a bus. If we don’t drive and there is no bus how can that possibly help! All I was trying to do was express how lonely I feel at the moment and I am so concerned that I do not have enough reserves to be able to take on my daughters depression. She has had periods of depression before and I have been able to help her. John was their step father and his death is a huge loss to them of course. I didn’t want to keep crying down the phone to them all the time.
The response I received from you was what I more or less expected, I put my head on the line and it really was meant to try and help you and to encourage you. I have walked that road that you and so many others are and believe me it has been hard. Even two years on there is not a day that I don’t have a good cry. Some days to just get myself out of bed is hard. But I have found that to sit at home and lose hope of ever being able to make that supreme effort to help myself has been pointless and as you so rightly say people just move on and forget you. So who is there to turn to???. They have their own lives to deal with. My daughter went to Spain and I haven’t heard from her since. I sent her an email in the early days and said I was struggling and her reply was. “Your strong you will get over it”. So I know what it’s like to feel deserted by family.
I thought that if you could possibly help your daughter it might also help you. You would be supporting each other at an incredibly difficult time.
Of course I understand how you feel, I was speaking from my own experience and what I have had to do to try and pick myself up. You wanted me to sympathise with you and I truly do but I stand by my words there comes a time when we have to make that effort to help ourselves… Because from experience there is no one else to do it for you.
Only weeks after losing my husband I ended up in hospital twice which resulted in an op and for someone that has never even had a hospital appointment it was hard. I was alone. I cried continually for my husband to come and help me. I have never felt so alone so believe me when I say that I know what it is like to lose all hope.
I certainly didn’t intend to offend but I do understand that there are different stages of grief and as this is a forum we all try to do our best to help each other from the experience we have gained ourselves even if it’s not what a person want’s to hear. You have a lot to deal with and I wish you well.
@Pattidot I didn’t want you to sympathise with me at all. I just didn’t expect someone to post a lengthy reply to someone they don’t know with suggestions that are not available to me. I think we will leave it there except to say I am unable to give my full support to my daughter as I fear it will tip me over the edge. Believe me I know there is no one else to help me apart from myself. Therein lies the problem
Well, once again someone has taken offense at an opinion expressed. Pat is one of the kindest and considerate people I know, and would never ever go out of her way to upset anyone. Does it occur to anyone that their replies may have upset Pat? I think Admins reply to this was uncalled for. Pat was pointing out possibilities, and of course she knows it can’t apply to everyone. As Abdullah says, empathy is a two way emotion. Also, it once again raises the question of ‘walking on eggshells’ If we have to check every word for fear of causing upset, what’s the point of posting? There have been, over the two years I have been on here, some really bad comments that have gone unchecked, yet someone who is one of the kindest persons I know, gets criticised.
Lets have an even playing field. Now what did Pat say that was so offensive? She expressed an opinion, as we all do. To say she knew it would cause upset is just plain silly.
I don’t know. Here we go again. John.
Point taken, but I had no idea you didn’t want any encouragement and that is what my reply was meant to be. I just felt so sad for you, and just hoped that I might be able to help you in some way. This is a forum and when someone posts we try to offer some sort of help. I didn’t know you didn’t want me to reply to you and I will remember that in future. So sorry
@Pattidot no problem thanks for the apology I understand you didn’t mean to cause upset.
As you say ‘walking on eggshells and here we go again’. Try to offer encouragement but it’s just not required. Open forum for all to join in but now told my reply wasn’t wanted. Yes I was offended by some of the comments.
Looks like it’s time to get off this Topic the way it’s going. We try to encourage love and comfort so that this forum is a safe place to come to. I have received some very valuable advice from members in the past and truly grateful to them.
@jonathan123 No it’s not quite like that. It is all well and good to try to encourage others to pick themselves up and get on with life if they are at the point during the grief process when they are able to do that. If they are not it can cause a great deal of harm. Tip someone over the edge. I do not agree with posts being removed or censored in anyway. I do not know if @Pattidot is one of the kindest and considerate people as I don’t know her and she does not know me.