They gave me his ashes today.

My darling is home in a box that is very heavy. It is his ashes that I will eventually scatter in the sea. Why am I holding onto the box as if my life depended on it? Why is this tearing me apart when living in an empty home without my love has been heartbreaking for the past five and a half weeks? Why is this box of ashes a dagger in my heart. I just want my darling home with me but not this way. Why is the world so cruel? What did we do to have our lives ripped apart and our dreams shattered. He was such a good, kind, loving man and he deserved more than this and I deserve more than the horror in which I am living.

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John’s wife. I am so sorry for your loss and your grief is so raw. I could not even bear to see the box that contained my husbands ashes. It was all too sureal…Two years now and I have only held the box a couple of times because I cannot believe it contains all that is left of my darling husband. People grieve in different ways but the fact that you can hold the ashes is a sign of acceptance and strength. I still have to keep the box where it cannot be easily seen because it tears me apart to see my husbands name and date of death on it. Things are less raw but I never understood it would be so difficult to cope with grief. I so wish I could hold that box but I can’t. You will be helped by some lovely people on here who will put your grief in context. Please keep posting. It really helps me better than anything else to speak with other people who are so helpful. My thoughts are with you andyou are amongst lovely friends.

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Hi I lost my partner two weeks ago and my life feels torn apart , at 36 I never thought I would feel this kind of pain I am heart broken . Every day is a struggle I have so many emotions but mainly I feel I should end my life to be reunited with Him.
I look for signs that he’s in our home and angry he’s not giving me any to show he’s with me .
How do I get over these feelings . Every day I wake up I feel that dread he’s not here and never will be again . Cancer has destroyed my life dreams and my soul :weary:

Hi very early days for us. Very sorry for you loss. 4 months my husband passed I have felt his presence many times in the house. Some say they have to heal and settle before giving us any signs. We can’t get over these feelings I can’t lie I think we have all thought about been with our loved ones at some point I may be wrong. Hope you have people around you x I’m so sorry you did not marry it’s heartbreaking x

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My June’s funeral was today, I’m dreading collecting her box. I just don’t know how I’m going to cope with that. My heart goes out to you

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Hi Dave hard isn’t it. I found when I collected Micks ashes to me I hate the urn I can’t relate to him in there. Some find it comforting my kids are ok with it and say his home. I relate to my husband on the sofa where he passed. He told me several things to do with his ashes to which I will adhere too.
I asked the funeral directors to separate some of them he wanted some with his parents some taken to Bulgaria where we had a second home
Jewellery for my kids
I had a tattoo with ink filled ashes I always loose jewellery
The rest when I go will be together. Not for all I know but for me I know I’m carrying out his wishes. You may find comfort bringing for wife home I hope you do

hi Johnswife.
Like you and many others ,we cannot understand why the loves of our lives,Were taken from us.Its heart wrenching and causes us emotional distress ,Its something that doesnt make any real sense.
There are lots of nasty spiteful people in the world causing harm to fellow humans,Who very few if any would miss,Yet its our loved ones who were loving caring, Thoughtful warm hearted special people who we loved with all our hearts,That were taken from our lives.
Heres hoping we all find a way to cope with these very emotional times in our lives.
regards ian.

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Hi Johnswife You feelings are so familiar. I have my darlings ashes. I decided to scatter some of them in places we loved. I have been back to some places that we went to on holiday and have put them there. I also put some in our garden and some of them fell into my hand and I kissed them. I also often pick up the tube they are in - it is a cardboard tube with a beautiful field of sunfowers. I will continue to take some with me on my travels if I can and the rest will go with me. I do sometimes find holding his ashes comforting but bitter sweet that our life together ended like this. Life is so unfair isn’t it . We find the love of our lives only to have them taken before their time. My heart goes out to you and I hope that when the time comes you can scatter them on the waves and take comfort in the memories of the wonderful life you shared xxx

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Bell I to want to touch the ashes and look at them. I will do that one day soon. We have to wait to scatter them until social distancing is relaxed and we can go out on the boat. I am grateful for all the messages on here. We are all going through the grief in different ways but each of us understands exactly how the others are feeling.

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Oh Carrieanne, I am so sorry for you, you are going through something none of us know how to cope with. Your world has just disappeared and I know how you are feeling, it’s just devastating. My husband died 3 months ago and I do believe I am approaching some acceptance , for for you it is so fresh and raw and unbelievable. There’s nothing anyone can say to make it better. , it never will be but you will find you can cope a bit better. Sending. you love and a big hug. x

And Dave I hope you managed to get through June’s funeral. It’s just the most heartbreaking thing and a million times worse under these circumstances. My biggest dread was losing it and letting him down. But there were only three of us, distanced, and anyway what would it have mattered. I know Malcolm would have understand. Hope you are okay x

Thankyou all. it went “well”. i said the words I wanted to, and her family and friends who couldn’t attend because of the virus were there via the internet. I’m not sure that I actually remember all of the service, I really was in a bit of a daze. Lots of phone calls yesterday, freinds asking how I am. What can I say? I’m crushed, don’t want to be here, why her? I just told them all that I’m trying to keep busy - so they would leave me alone. I just want to scream at the world - why her?

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Sad day gone as well as expected for you yes you want to scream do it sending hugs

Scream and shout her name it wears you out but I find there is a period of peace afterwards.

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Glad you got through it , no other way to describe it.

Life’s so unfair and you won’t be able to understand why it’s happened to her , someone so loving and loved. As has been said, just shout and yell and cry as much as you need, until it exhausts you and you can maybe get a bit of relief and rest. I get into the shower, turn it on full and then cry until there are no tears left . I finally get out feeling a little bit soothed and spent. It might work for you. Feeling your pain and sending so much sympathy. x

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I vividly remember getting my husbands ashes 2 years ago but for me it was a relief to “have him home” again. I have kept some ashes in a small urn and the rest I have scattered in various places that we enjoyed Visiting or walking.
It’s a hard road to travel but try to find a measure of peace somewhere, for me it was being out in nature, regardless of the weather there is always a sense of calm for me when I’m out in the woods or on a ramble with my dogs.

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Ash trees I’m like you, was so glad to bring him home. Thanks to lockdown haven’t had to decide what to do with them, though we did want to put them onto a Viking longboat and set him free. He had once mentioned years ago that’s what he would like. They bring me great comfort , on my side of the bed now I’ve commandeered his side
and I’ll find it hard to part with them. We’ll
have to share him out, also wanted to take some to places he loved.Talking of his side of the bed, I’ve slept so well over there and wonder if there’s something of him there, would love to think so., have always been a bad sleeper til now

She told me what she wants so I’m very clear. she wants to be scattered where her mum and day are, really beatiful, old cemetary with a 300 year old church. I’m not sure when i’ll be up to doing that. Think I’m going to need her home for a while, may keep some of her and incorporate into a ring. I don’t have to decide yet. She made ll of this easy for me, we knew the songs and where she wants to be, so I guess that’s some comfort.

Yes it’s hard when you have to try and do what you think they would want which is what happens when it’s sudden and unexpected. Hang on to them as long as you need to, there’s no rush, especially in these circumstances and they do bring comfort.IF someone had said that to me before this happened I would have thought it was so macabre , especially keeping them on the bed, but how different it is when it’s the love of your life. Take care x