I lost my husband of 57 years 3 months ago, unexpectedly. Initially I was so busy sorting everything out and arranging the funeral. Then we had Christmas which was tough but I got through it with the help of my lovely family. Now, into a new year, instead of gradually feeling better I am having anxiety attacks, and cry almost every day, especially the long lonely nights, but no-one would suspect, I put on a very brave front. I thought I would be getting better but it’s getting worse, I can se no end to it.
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@Abbiesnan
I am so sorry about how you are feeling. But it definitely seems to be normal at about that sort of time period to start feeling worse.
In the early weeks and months you are in shock and your mind protects itself and you only see the hour or day ahead. Then there comes a point where your mind looks up and faces the permanence of the situation stretching out into the future and it is overwhelmingly sad. That’s when my anxiety started and all my good intentions for the New Year just fell apart. I felt something like vertigo.
I’m sorry that doesn’t give you an answer or positivity. I guess it just takes more time to adjust and I’ve tried to find shorter term things to focus on to distract myself.
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Thank you for taking the time to reply. In a small way it helps to know I am not alone.
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I lost my husband 15 weeks ago. The depair and shock in the early days has gone but now I can see the years spreading out ahead and it depresses me. This time of year doesn’t help, a bit of sunshine makes all the difference. I am starting to feel that I should start looking for a new direction and make plans but unfortunately I do not have the motivation. I am hoping that at some point I will step out of my comfort zone and make a bit of effort to live again. In the meantime its the brave face and forcing myself to get out of the house and do something each day. Sorry not much help - just know lots of people understand.
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Thanks for your reply, I feel exactly like you - slap on the brave & smile, and no-one knows you’re broken inside.
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Only someone who is suffering as we are truly understands so they see our brave face and think we’re coping.
I’ve dropped the brave face and have started to let people know how I really feel, how can they help if they don’t know how lonely the present and the future is for us?
For me a phone call helps, a visit, any acknowledgement that although they can’t change anything they care and want to let me know they care.
If they think I’m coping wonderfully then they have no need to offer support!!
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Thank you for taking the trouble to reply. My brace face is really for both my daughters & granddaughters who are struggling with their own grief & I don’t want to add to it. Also, it upsets me to see their distress. It’s a viscious circle isn’t it.
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Ah, I see.
I’m alone at home, my children are men with family of their own.
My friends and family are being wonderful but they simply cannot understand the feeling.
I hope it’s a very long time before they do and they live to a ripe old age with their partners.
Luie was 77 and I was lucky enough to share the last 18 years with him.
You always think there’s plenty of time left don’t you? We always thought we’d go together somehow, neither wanting to leave the other.
I know in my heart that time will help but right now… I’m missing him so very much it physically hurts.
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I can understand, the ambulance man that was called said it’s like you in a bubble ,when it happens you’re caught up in planning & sorting things . Then it hits you.
What I hate is everyone is there for you at the start. When the bubble breaks and you need a hug , nobody cares , they think you’ve got over it.
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abbiesnan,im sorry to hear this,iam going through exactly the same time frame as you,and identical “symptoms”. when i joined this group yesterday i was able to source more details of “stages of grief”,we have a way to go,i find that "writting"helps,can be more explicit,and emotions dont stem the flow when trying to talk
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and me,14 weeks,same “story” a friend has booked a holiday to lanzarote for us 20th march,my husband would be so proud of me,i would not have taken this leap on my own. this platform is bringing so many of us together,in the boat riding the same storm. i wish you well
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Exactly!
We need our support network so much at the beginning, and for far longer than they think.
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It’s my inconsistent thoughts that I’m finding difficult to understand, one minute I am angry at my partner for taking his own life, then I feel I want to do the same. I am sympathetic, then 5 minutes later, I could not care less.
I really don’t like the person I am at the moment, he was always fiery, but it came from being passionate and caring, I just feel bitter.
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@Abbiesnan I too am in the same position. My beautiful Dad left us at the end of Oct 2024. His funeral, Christmas and New Year happened and then I went on holiday for a week. I had booked it early last year.
Since I’ve returned last week it’s like it has hit me all over again. The emptiness and the waves of guilt and loss and tears are hitting me harder than ever.
I don’t have any answers but you are not alone. 
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I lost my partner 8 wks ago from cancer, I am also feeling anxious and about my future i’m still not at work, I find myself talking to my slate photos on my sideboard and playing voice messages im lucky to still have.
I have been doing the same putting on a brave face, I am lucky I do have my dog who has really been a comfort I talk to him and get out as I do dog training and have to take him for walks. Like everyone on here its really hard and I have the feeling like he’s still in hospital but of course hes not.
Its a comfort to know im not alone and other people are also having the same emotions and anxiety as I am.
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Thank you. It’s so hard isn’t it.
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Yes it is, I am trying to get out, I went to bingo with my friend and I also take my young dog to training classes as he spent most of hes time with my partner while I was at work. I think to myself what would my partner want and he would like me to live my life and not mope around, he was a very positive person and I think about him all the time but i’m trying my best to adjust to my new life.
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That’s all we can do isn’t it, trying our best, and appreciating at the same time that it’s OK not to be OK at times xx
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It was 59 years for me and I did the same as you, put on a brave face. We are in hell with half of ourselves missing after being together with a partner for so long. You have earned the right to cry and give in to your grief. No need to distract yourself until you can begin do it naturally without trying. I am so sorry x
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Thank you for replying. I’ve realised now that my anxiety stems not only from the loss of my husband but the realisation of the permanence if that makes sense. Initially I was in denial I think but now, these few weeks on, it has hit me that this is the reality and how bleak the future looks without him. They say memories help, but memories at the moment only make feel worse because they emphasise my loss.
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