Sorry meant quality !
@manb i found the second year was much harder than the first. Youāre expecting first anniversaryās of everything to be hard as are the people around you & you build up to it, you feel you did better than you expected & that the years going forward wonāt be as hard. But the second year took me off guard & your friends probably wonāt remember particular days & why would they, theyāre not special days for them. But for me it was more the simple everyday things that in the first year you glossed over because youāre in a sort of fog. Reality hits more & the silly little day stuff you did that you canāt do anymore really hits hard. We went into lockdown not long after Derek passed away & I didnāt think it could get any harder than that but we were all living a different life then & I wasnāt going out to things where everyone was a couple & you were on your own. So I found that second year so much harder. I donāt like to say that really because if youāre newly bereaved I like to offer a bit of hope but that was the reality for me & itās important to speak the truth. I do recall someone at the churchyard saying to me, whilst I was visiting Derek, donāt believe people when they say times a healer, it isnāt, you just learn to live with it. At the time I wasnāt particularly appreciative of it but how true it was.
Take care 
xx
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thank you,its so very true,life was easier in the fog,reality pains! when adrian died somebody said to meāyou will never get over thisā i was shocked,thought she was a tad rude,but there is some truth,learn to live with the void is something i hear on this forum,yes,we do need to adjust,learn a new set of survival skills,cause its sink or swim,and i was swimming really well,looking back i started to flounder after the 1st anniversary last october,i found christmas much harder then the first,the only thing i found easy was taking myself off to lanzarote in january,being away from anything/anybody familiar,i regained my confidence,positivity, its slipping away again, i need the confident,positive old me back in my life,im sure it will happen,mrs positive is allowed a break ..but not too long! thanks @Jodel712 ,i appreciate your words. x
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I too thought going into spring and then summer might make me feel better. This is the time of year my partner and I loved. Heās been gone 5 and a half months now. Iāve had problems getting a gardner as the garden is too much for me. Iāve had two no shows. My partner kept the garden lovely and I feel Iāll let him down if itās not maintained properly. I think I prefer the dark evenings where I can just shut out the world. I never thought I would say that as we both hated winter. I miss him so much, I feel I just exist now, I breathe I eat, thatās it.
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gosh@Norma1, 5.5 months is early days on this road,i remember it through the fog,i had joined this forum as āthings were getting worse rather than betterāits been a wonderful addition to my existance,and with advice and friendship in that first year of āfirstsāi coped quite well,of course loyal friends and family are right behind you,but thenthey float off into the distance,expect you to āmove onā,so far the last 5 months have been the toughest,i really thought a bit of sunshine will help,but cornwall has been so wet,when the sun comes out i see weeds,cracks in the paving,moss,im lucky that we had a gardener before adrian died,he has stayed,but he only cuts lawns and yearly chops back trees/shrubs. i found somebody to re-grout the patio,check on the defects,the weather prevented him starting and he hasnt given me any idea of when,ok,its early season and one day rain will stop,but i get worked up with frustration when things dont go to plan,will he ever show up,its quite trivialā¦or it would have been before i was left floundering. my family live in bristol,so not on doorstep to help,im fiercely independant and dont ask favours.of friends,unless it as life dependant. we battle on riding this roller coaster. ihope you start to find your way,be prepared for bigger bumps,. you may have read that some of us on here have had holidays during all this turmoil,its a temporary lift,away from reality,speaking for myself it does help as its away fromthe familiar/memories,last weekend going to see friends in what was āour special placeāhit me hard,i was exhausted with emotion. thats so hard,not knowing when you are falling,no two days the same, norma i witter on trying to explain how iam on this road..ākeeping my head above waterā which is better than sinking! wish you well x
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Manb 17 month is still early days yet and hopefully spring and summer will help to lift the mood. It takes years to accept and live a even half decent life without loved ones so I have been told ,so take your time do things that you can enjoy and try to be hopeful of better days . Itās all we can hope for. Im at the 3 month stage now and just realising itās all real and he wonāt be coming back but I am determined to keep trying to find my way. My husband would be so upset at me for not doing so. He had a very easy going attitude to life ,didnt worry about things and just took life as it was . I hope to honour his memory by at least trying to do the same. Take good care of yourself and just try to keep going forward as best you can.
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every positive decision i make,i make for him,i know he would be proud,i was proud of myself ,going away,booking holidays,decorating,but reality has hit hard,thank goodness for the knowledge and support of this group,as i have said before,now i know im not going mad,but still good to be assured its ānormalāā¦.. i know its normal,i have told others often enough,but heck its good to be told when its me floundering,just proves how confidence has been hit,thanks @Belinda1 I hope the journey into reality isnt going to slow your very positive attitude,you sound determind, i was,still am despite minor wobbleā¦again! tough old roller coaster ride!
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Itās coming up to second anniversary of losing my dear Nigel so feeling very apprehensive. Itās just four days before my birthday so I know it will be hard as it was last year. I feel so very sad inside but I know that everyone expects you to be cheerful when itās your birthday. I feel that I will be letting those who try to help me down if I donāt pretend that I am ok, but I find it so exhausting putting on a happy face even for a short time.
I have a friend of more than forty years whose husband is in the last stage of his life with the same type of cancer and on the same ward and same hospital as my dear Nigel was. I took her out this morning for a coffee and it felt quite surreal to watch and listen to her saying all the same things as I was two years ago. Much the same as I feel when I read and comment on here I did feel that I was helping her by listening and at the same time thinking I couldnāt have helped her six months ago so maybe I am progressing more than I realise. Thank you to everyone on here for reading my often rambling messages.
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Its strange how sometimes you realise you must be a bit better because of how you cope with things .
I went to a bereavement group a few weeks ago cake and coffee type of thing ..i remember thinking i couldnt have eaten cake the first time i went.i didnt feel better but i must be a little better ā¦.it also depends on the day too..some days are worse than others
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haha,ive had to say sorry for rambling on here tonight @beryl i get carried away somrtimes,so much i want to say and it doesnt always get typed in order of thought!, im sure you are progessing,we expect too much of ourselves,maybe just to please others? look after number one,do it my way is what i think. take care
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Thank you. You take care too. Always enjoy your wise words which can only come from experience.
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Well done many. We are all entitled to our wobbles and believe me I have plenty. But you are doing well ,just keep telling yourself that and one day it will be your new normal. Sometimes I feel it would be so easy to just crawl into a corner and not move ever, but we have to keep telling ourselves to keep trying because the alternative is not only the tragic loss of our loved one but the waste of our life when so many would love the chance of having a life still. Stay positive and just accept and work through your bad and difficult times as best you can. Best wishes .
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evening everybody, i just need to say i feel ok ! this afternoon,something happenedā¦i had to deal with problems with my 95 year old demented mother/carers/adult social care,i had to ābuckupā make +ve decisions/phone calls/e mails,it has left me feeling invigorated,got the old me back. an odd way to restore some normality,im sure there will be more to deal with,so fingers crossed it will stop me feeling sorry for myselfā¦.weird!! a big thanks to all those who have been in touch over the last few days,im so appreciative of the support,i shall be checking in as i have for the last 14 months,keeping in touch.hoping i can send positivity ā¦.and no doubt be in need of a shoulder again myself.!! hugs to all
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Manb that is such a positive comment. Im so happy that you are finding a focus and feeling a bit better. Anything even problems to solve and worries to sort are a bonus if they give you a direction and a little bit of determination. I hope your positivity continues and you start to feel better bit by bit everyday. Hope and hugs to us all. Thank you.
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It would be lovely to have some messages of positivity for everyone today to help us all through the day.
Iām feeling especially bad today as life is tough in general and a well meaning friend asked me yesterday if I was thinking of dating yet. Said in a jokey way testing the water but knocked me for six as itās been 2 1/2 years but I canāt even imagine it and donāt feel any further on, just lonelier as my kids are getting older.
Looking at the posts in general today, Motherās Day has hit a lot of people hard so some positivity I think would help us all today.
Big love to all struggling today x
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yes,another weekend over,i think most of us find weekends the toughest time alone,especially mothering sunday,i was in bits when a huge box of flowers arrived,i could have gone to the family,it was also my eldest grandsons 12th birthday,all far too busy,too noisy,im going up on 26th for 10days,so decided tostay at home,ā¦and kept busy,batch cooking for freezer,pottering outside between showers,i do believe we are due some consecutive dry days,i am quite enthusiastic about getting the outside cleaned up after months of wet wet wet.so theres a bit of positivity, ive even made a list of jobs to do, i do love a list! ive also booked a couple of nights away 1st july with 3 other friends from student nursing days(class of 1971) we all hooked up on saturday morning,chose venue/date and booked hotel,they are all still married,and we used to meet with husbands,now they come aloneā¦for me. lovely ladies,we all live so far apart, thank goodness for cyber space. and sue ryder of course. sending love,hugs,positive thoughts and motivation,on that note im must get off my backside and start ticking off the to-do list. x
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Good morning everyone.
@Trulymadlydeeply thank you for your warm and encouraging post 
Like you @Manb I try to keep busy and find cooking so helpful. I freeze individual portions and on bad days when I canāt do anything, I know I will at least eat properly.
This time last week I was really struggling with feeling overwhelmed by jobs that need to be done in the house and garden. Most of these were things that have been on the āto doā list for a long time but became impossible to think about when my partner was so ill.
I didnāt know where to start and felt the responsibility of having to make expensive decisions on my own. Iām also wary of being ripped off. I wasnāt able to push it all to the back of my mind anymore and I knew I had to get started.
I sat down last Monday and made a list. After a few hours researching local tradesmen and a few phone calls, I have cleared some unwanted wood and building materials from my garden, I have a painter coming this week and I have 3 quotes arranged for repair needed on my chimney.
This morning I am feeling like Iāve got more than enough going on for a while and still nervous and overwhelmed but, Iāve started the ball rolling on jobs that had to be addressed and when I look at the lovely clear space in my garden, I feel a spark of joy and some motivation to get outside and make my garden a happy place this year. My partner loved the garden and although the spring makes me feel so sad that he is not here to see everything burst into life this year, I am going to make the garden a place to be with him in my heart and think of the joy we both felt when we sat there together.
Iām still in bed and struggling to get up this morning but reading the posts on here have made me think of what I achieved last week .
Itās always small steps and Iām giving myself a pat on the back for taking a few bigger ones last week and knowing thatās enough for now. I can do it when I have to and very occasionally, I am starting to do things because I want to!
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well done,its overwhelming isnt it,but as you say once the ball starts rollingā¦i neglected so much last year,except create a little sanctuary,new āgirlieābedroom,the outside space has suffered because of neglect and 2 wet winters,i need nice outside space,and this year i will achieve it,i thought the first signs of spring would be happy,no,i felt sad pottering on my own,just the birds, BUT i have given myself a good talking too,had the patio sorted out,my motivation is returning. also dealing with issues concerning my ancient mother which has to keep me sharp when dealing with social care system,takes my mind off my woes,another form of motivation,strange thing brains!! heres to happy outside spaces,the rose i bought for his 80th birthday last yearāyou are my sunshineāis looking really healthy,cant wait to see it bloom. x
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Thank you for your lovely message. Iāve been at work but had a chance to look in to the forum at lunchtime and now. I so appreciate having somewhere to ātalkā to people who understand. My friends are great but itās got to the stage I feel like I canāt bother them as itās been a while now and people have their own problems and lives to get on with. Thatās what makes this forum so amazing.
I hope everyone has had a good day - it sounds like everyone is being very productiveā¦Iād better get busy in the garden at the weekend xxx
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āI really admire your strengthā. Familiar words no doubt, usually spoken by well meaning people but such a difficult mask to wear. This week is, and always will be, so hard to navigate. 14th anniversary of losing my Dad, 15th Mothering Sunday, 16th two years since my dear husband Nigel lost his battle with Cancer, 20th my birthday ! So feeling exhausted. These dates will never change so I suppose I must do my best to navigate
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