Morning, 37 weeks for me. Cry every day, but that’s okay. Why wouldn’t I. Until something like this happens you have no idea. I now think I cannot insulate myself from the pain. I cried in the photo shop printing out the last photo of myself and my husband. We look so happy. Would I like to have known he was going to die instantly 6 weeks later? Try not to ask myself impossible questions but here it feels safe to write them down.
Sending thanks to everyone who takes the time to post. It helps
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I’m so very sorry Heartof Gold to read how much you’re struggling at the moment. It’s no real consolation but I hope the support on here will at least help you find some direction to get you through each hour.
Wandering aimlessly is something I know too well. It even applies to cyberspace as I post things, plan to reply etc then forget where I’ve posted, found and left messages etc.
I’d be inclined to say ‘so what, it doesn’t matter…’ but then I feel guilty that someone has reached out, either to offer or ask for support and I’ve not replied.
I know losing your partner might not have been unexpected but that makes absolutely no difference to the depths of despair you find yourself thrown into, the myriad of questions, fears, feelings of guilt, abandonment and utter pointlessness of trying to carry on living.
And, even if the loss is supposedly unexpected it still is. After a near four years I’d got too used to Jill fighting back.Two months in hospital in Portugal, watching her slip away, literally minutes left, then recovering enough to come back to the UK should have prepared me. It didn’t. Neither did a final six weeks caring for her at home or finally ending up in hospital because there was no hospice bed available - Sue Ryder had stopped contacting me so obviously they’d given up on us but I still believed.
Let’s face it, my mind simply could accept it… less than an hour before I lost her, a doctor told me an ambulance had been arranged to take Jill home but that he couldn’t say she’d survive the 15 minute journey . I heard but it didn’t register. Perhaps if it had I’d have been holding her hand not texting someone an update when she finally slipped away.
Grief and Guilt, they know each other only too well.
Along with moments of utter despair they are now my only companions it seems.
I’ve let myself wander on here with this post, gone places I hadn’t meant to but I guess it’s come out because it had to. Sorry .
I’m pretty sure that somewhere along the line recently I’ve posted about how much I’ve been dreading this coming week, how scared I am at facing the 6 months point and our wedding anniversary. Something else that’s expected but will doubtless be unexpected when it hits. And overwhelming.
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This week would have been wedding anniversary and it is also 6 months since my husband passed. I feel consumed by black cloud and grief. Its all so hard.
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Looks like we’re in exactly the same boat. Let’s hope it’s not the Titanic…
Here if you need a lifebelt.
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It is my wedding anniversary on 7 July, Roger’s birthday on 21st August and 1st anniversary of his death on 23 September.
The prospect is horrendous. I still look for him. I want to hear and see him. I know I can’t but I still can’t accept it
Kate
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Kate, sorry you are feeling so gloomy. I am quite up at the moment, just got back from meeting up with my daughter in Marlow, bought her a birthday present, went for a walk by the river and bought her lunch. Just got back. Because I am up at the moment, it is easy for me to say, Celebrate your wonderful years you had with you husband on your wedding anniversary, The rest just one step at a time. Now when I come on here sad you can try and cheer me up. Sending you a big hug like from your brother.
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Aww kate i do the same look all the time for my fiance/partner Linda its the 9 months date on 8th july of her passing and her late dads birthday 10th july which we both used to put flowers down where his ashes are scattered in cawsand bay cornwall so i guess its now up to me to do for both him and now Linda as i hope she is with him she missed him dearly she lost him when she was only 11 and always lit a candle and put flowers for him too he died young with cancer but linda only 53 as well but covid took her god this life is cruel beyond words take care of you on your special days coming up hugs
Martin 
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PSHm3
Grief and Guilt as you say know each other only too well.I have them two things with me constantly since my dear wife passed 4 months ago.I seem to be walking around and living in a daze most of the time.The house and my life are so empty without her.Take care
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Thank you Rob. I really appreciate it
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Thank you very much Martin
Life just seems so hard without Roger. We just did everything together. My immediate family live in Lancashire. I have wonderful friends who are very supportive and I try to get out and distract myself but I still return to an empty house and I wake up each morning without Roger.
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Hi KateTr,
I am sorry you’re feeling gloomy and i know we have been told the 1st are the hardest. I am dreading October as we got married the day before Sue’s birthday, seemed like a good idea at the time. So please look after yourself.
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Aww kate my estranged daughters and son live lancashire im devon now moved here when me and my Linda got together moved us my dad and her mum with us but lost my dad 2021 here linda lived it here and i fell in live here too but now linda is no longer here im finding it hard to be here without her we came here for our forever home 7 years ago but now it feels like a forever prison didn’t get chance to make friends and roots here thanks to covid and dad diagnosed with cancer shortly after getting here so now feel so alone all my old friends back up there at least linda got to come back home as she called here she said it her paradise im glad we did make it for her sake even if it was only for 7 years it should have been so much longer she was only 53 cruel it is im so sorry to hear of your Rogers passing bot like me and lind only spent one day apart in 14 years together dod everything im so glad you have your close friends there worth there weight at times like these take care of you
Martin
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Thank you Martin. So so sorry for your losses
Kate
morning everybody,i have been down on the coast since i last posted on tuesday last week having had massive meltdown on my 48th wedding anniversary,i have been with friends,been out and about as and when i felt able without public tears. yesterday i felt lots brighter,sunshine,sea air,my favourite people,i was able to socialise and relax. i have driven home this morning and didnt walk through the door with that feeling of "home alone"quite glad to be back in my quiet sanctuary,pretty garden where his "you are my sushine"rose has just bloomed in time for his 80th birthday next week,another “first” ,im saying to myself “come on ol gal,you can do this”, nothing can be as bad as last week…take care all
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manb,so glad you had a wonderful time away.I hope i will experience some happiness like that soon, and not have that awful coming home,and wanting to burst into tears because my husband i s not there,with his beautiful smile,and his, want a cup of tea Dolly,his pet name for me.I am sure we willall get to the point when we can move forward without ever forgetting them,loving them,and keeping them in our hearts 
forever.
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Glad you managed to get away and enjoyed it., I’m away soon, but dread coming back to the silent empty house. I’ve got through some firsts, our 57th wedding anniversary, his 79 birthday, but my birthday is approaching and then it will be the first anniversary of his death, Trying to hold it all together.
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phoebe,i was glad to get home to my quiet sanctuary as i had “overdone it”,now im feeling "home alone"again,its so hard to balance. now im having wobble about his 80th on tuesday,i have asked 2 special friends around for the afternoon,doing a “high tea”,may even crack open a bottle of bubbles,all depends how iam,maybe bubbles are the answer! adrian called me “tubs”…even when i was slim 50 years ago!! take care
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aww abbiesnan,me too,just had wedding anniversaty,his 80th is on tuesday,im in tears as i type,just been telling phoebe my plans for his birthday , my birthday 24th,i shall be up with the family for that long weekend.we will do this, somewhere within are strong woman,thats what im telling myself! take care. mandy
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memory box on facebook…today i SMILED at the pictures and a video, we had a massive party for his 70th in a field where we kept our caravan,pop up beer bar provided by our son,and the singing was fabulous,old cornish songs led by the maestro a cornish bard for services to choral music,i can hear adrians basso profundo voice in the video, see him pint in hand,ok,misty eyed now,but smiling at that happy day,and thats the send off he last year when he died…all very cornish(im half welsh,so can relate to the power of music) today it brings me a tinge of sadness,but great joy too of happy happy days. on tuesday,his actual birthday,its 3 of us,high tea in the garden and a bottle of bubbles,which isnt much more than would of happened if he had seen his 80th,quiet family get together this weekend,and then him and me on the day out to lunch…im sharing this because i cant believe ive looked/listened to the video and laughed at some of the photos,feeling quite proud!
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Oh @manb how lovely to hear you have been able to smile today after looking at the photos and videos, i genuinely am pleased, i too am approaching Bobs special birthday in August his 70th, i also have today been looking at photos, its still very raw for me, 4 weeks in now thats all, next week back to work too for me (i am 55 years old so few more years to work yet) i am not ready really to step back into the world of going in an office full of lively characters. I today have decided not to see anybody, tried to tidy up a bit and found Bobs belt that he was looking for only 6 weeks ago!! Mixed feelings came, laughed and siad i found your belt followed by the heavy sadness we all know all to well! Sending positive thoughts to each and all of us, and may we hold our memories dear to our heart and find the strength to make it through each day x
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