thanks rob,im away in my happy place down on the coast this wkend x 3 nights,with good friends. im sure it will give me a boost. mandy
Thingās getting worse rather than better really sumās up my feelings at the moment. My husbandās work colleagues dropped off 3 memory boxes yesterday which really sent me onto a tailspin. It absolutely floored me. I know the memories in them are very precious, they though so such of him but I just cant look at these & no idea when I will. My confidence has taken such a knock, it hadnāt really improved after what happened to us. What shit cards life has delt us .
4 Likes
Wednesday 30th July - 1:30amā¦ Iām tired and drained, but unable to sleep. Too many worries and thoughts are running around in my head, keeping me awake. I have so many questions to ask, and so many things I need to say to my darling Michael. I wish he was still here with meā¦ loving me, caring for me, helping me, and guiding me, like he always did. He was my rockā¦ he stood beside me and held my hand through so much, the sad passing of my dear dad to cancer, and then some years later, I lost my beloved mum to cancer also. It was devastating, but he got me through everything. My darling Michael was my saviour through my own health issues and hospital stays. He was always there for me, always, without question or doubt ever. My darling Michael was always so loving, caring, patient, gentle and kind. He was the love of my life, a beautiful and amazing person, in every sense of the word, and I felt so very safe with him in my life. Michael always made everything ok. He was one in a million, and I was so lucky to have met him and to have shared 20 years of my life with him. He brought so much happiness and joy into my life that I can never thank him enough. He gave me the confidence to be āMEā and he loved me unconditionally for āMEā. The thing isā¦ I just donāt know how I am supposed to carry on without him? I had everything, and now Iām completely lost and broken. Maybe, some of us are not allowed to be so happy? Otherwise, why would the love of my life be taken from me, when we had so much to look forward to, and everything to live for? Taken too soonā¦ too young. Why?? I feel so alone, lonely and empty without my darling soulmate and nothing makes any sense at all. Everything is pointless and meaningless. How do I carry on, when he was my world? He will never get to grow oldā¦ and will always be 58. I weep for everything that he will miss out on as the months and years go by. He always has been, and always will be my angel, but how do I carry on without him? We fell in love the second our eyes met, 20 years ago, and I will love him until the end of time. I know that we were always meant to be together. The stars conspired and aligned to make sure of that. I love him so much, it hurts. His absence in my life is excruciating and I just donāt know what to do? Iām exhausted and broken.
Eve xx
9 Likes
Eve, my Ian died on 7 April. 55 years to the day we met. We just clicked straight away and started living together not long afterwards. We had our family and the ups and downs that go with any married life, but loved each other unconditionally. I nursed him here at home until the palliative care nurses had to come in. Ian and I never spoke of him dying, we just carried on, with me doing what I could to keep him comfortable. I canāt see how I can carry on without him, but I will, because he knew Iād be strong enough. I was always the one who āsorted things outā, while he was the practical one who got stuck in and mended things. I canāt bear life without him, but I will, because I must. He saved my life in many ways, 55 years ago. I must carry on till I join him in whatever place he is now. At the moment heās all around me. 
6 Likes
oh aine,its early days for you,i will still numb/shocked at that stage,thought i ws coping,on auto pilot,then reality hit,wow,thats when i realised things were getting worsse,not better,hence joining this site,we dont have answers,but its all about support of our friends who sail the same storm,all dealing with the grief differently,imat 10months now,doing ok,i quite proud of myself a couple of weeks ago,came on here to say i felt as if i had lifted out the well,but now im back down the well again,i did 3 "firsts"in 28 days,knocked me sideways the last 2 days,i think i have been carried through the last month by family and friends,now im back flying solo,floundering again,tears,more tears. im due to go to friends for 3nights on friday,cant be bothered,but i will go,its something important,a bit of a memorial for my husband, and i need to be there proud that people want to honour him in the way he requested before he died,this is the last of his 3 requests,the others wwere done last november. breaks my heartā¦one day the void will seem less apparently. take care,keep talking. mandy
3 Likes
yes,you will,you are saying all the right things,being +ve as hard as it is,and yes,its hard,nothing like ive faced in my life before. i too was the "doer"in our 48 years of marriage. the void is unfillable,desite friends/family the lonliness eats at you. im almost 10minths down the line,and true to its word,things are getting worse,not better. ive been on this site since january,shared my ups and downs with my sue ryder friends,its always good to say about the good days,because there are ābetter daysā and feel proud of those days,i think some of us have said we feel disloyal admitting to having had āfunā,but im darn sure adrian would want me out there trying to do the things i loved. the last few days have been terrible,i need to start climbing backout of the well,start swimming,not sinking again, i can do it,ive done it beforeā¦exhausting isnt it! take care . mandy
3 Likes
No words will ever ease the pain your in. Your words describes the pain we all have and still feel. Weāve lost half of who we were. Maybe ask your doctor to prescribe something to help and would you consider counselling? I find counselling to be helpful, 7 sessions in and still get upset talking though each session. Xx
Thank you Mandy, these knock backs hit with such force its hard to breathe sometimes. The future we thought we had gone in the flick of a switch.
It wont be an easy weekend for you but Iām sure you will be glad to have honored your lovely husband xx
1 Like
Eve, The poem / hymn Lead Kindly light says it for me . here is the first verse.
Lead, kindly Light, amid thā encircling gloom;
O lead me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
O lead me on!
Keep firm my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene, one step enough for me.
I happened to hear this and it confirmed the one step at a time advice, when we are in this position our brains are on overload, we need time to get things sorted, just one thing at a time.
5 Likes
SR friends,there has been lots of communication on here this morning,so much sadness,but after replies/updates by me,i feel like im starting to swim again,its just being able to sit here,type it all out, cry a little(alot) not getting questioned,but listened too,words of kindness between ourselves,it means so much,thank you lovely people. Mandy
4 Likes
7 months tomorrow for me and I feel exactly as you do. Had hoped surviving several firsts earlier this month might have helped but theyāve just reinforced my sense of loss and the utter pointlessness of my life now.
5 Likes
It looks as though like me that you are awake in the middle of the night, not good.
I tried to explain to a friend who asked how I am getting on, how my life has changed and how difficult it is to adapt.
We lived our lives , like most, with a sense of routine. Up at the same time, to bed at the same time, meals at the same time, shopping, family, tv programmes , Now, the pattern is all over the place and I struggle to find a routine or purpose.
I feel that being able to write my true feelings down really helpful. To know that my words will be read by those who really do understand, rather than tell me that they do, is a great help.
Take good care of yourself. So much easier to say to others than to do .
I hope that you can get some rest now and to know that there is someone else out there feeling just like you may bring you some comfort.
5 Likes
@PSHm3
I completely understand your feelings described in your post.
I have been thinking a lot about life, loss and griefā¦ quite deeply actually, as I am a very sentimental person.
Itās nearly 7 weeks for me, but I know exactly what I was lucky enough to haveā¦ and what I have lost, and will never have again.
Sadly, I also know the intense pain, utter despair and bleak loneliness that comes from that loss too, which I endure every minute of every day.
As somebody else on this forum describedā¦ the source of my happiness, joy, and purpose to my life is goneā¦ forever.
Regardless of how much time lapses, I will always feel the same, because the special and unique person who brought so much happiness, joy, and purpose to my life, is gone, and sadly, isnāt coming back, which I canāt quite believe, even though I am saying it.
I loved my darling partner and my life so much, and with all my heart and soul.
I was optimistic and hopeful, and enthusiastically looked forward to, and embraced each new day.
My life had purpose and meaning and we were always looking to the future.
Wellā¦ life couldnāt be more different now, in fact my life has been obliterated and unrecognisable.
I canāt even bring myself to go through the motions, not even in a basic way.
My sense of loss is overwhelming and all consuming.
Thereās a constant physical pain and mental anguish that never goes away.
Exactly as you have describedā¦ my life is utterly pointless and without purposeā¦ itās merely just an existence from one day to the next.
Iām not being negativeā¦ just very truthful about my personal situation.
My darling Michael was my world, and I was his, and it worked perfectly for as long as we had each other.
I miss him with every fibre of my being, every minute of the day.
I feel desperately lonely and isolated with very little support, and sadly, nothing is going to change that.
I know the life I used to haveā¦ and I know what I have lost, and itās something that I will never be able to come to terms with, or accept.
The love of my life and my future have been cruelly stolen from me, and life has changed forever.
Iām so sorry for your loss, pain and suffering, I really am.
Eve x
7 Likes
Hi Eve,
As always my heart goes out to you and, although part of me recoils from the clichĆ©, I guess I know your pain. Certainly almost every single word resonates with me. Change Michael to Jill, ā heā and āhimā to āheā and āherā and ā7 weeksā to ā7 monthsā then everything else is genuinely identical. A beautiful, articulate, and heart-rending expression of where we are now.
Like you with Michael, Iāll never fully come to terms with, or accept, losing Jill. Yes, I know sheās gone, though oddly Iāve recently found myself looking round for her more often, but itās hardly an acceptance of her loss if that makes sense.
Thereās a line from Virginia Woolf I found when Jill was first diagnosed which came to mean a lot to us: āI am never not thinking of youā¦ā
I put it on the bookmarks I had made instead of a traditional order of service and on a memorial plaque by the cherry tree Iāve planted for her; it is so true.
It wonāt change. How can it? I only hope that one day the positive thoughts will outweigh the negatives that I, and doubtless you, feel today. Learning to live with our losses may come one day, so I keep hearing anyway, but, for me, acceptance doesnāt seem the right way to describe it - itās not a denial either, just more like giving in and saying itās time to āget on with our lives.ā
No.
I know thereās no timetable for dealing with grief, it hits us all at different times and in different ways. I know itās not a linear progression either; one moment thereās a step forward, you find a way through each hour, then next itās fifteen back! For you though, at just 7 weeks, it will feel incredibly raw, or numb, or both, and a constant stream of āfirstsā will make things so much harder. I try to build a safety net for those but inevitably end up on my own; maybe thatās right, theyāre mine, no body else really understands, but Iām not sure thatās the best way of dealing with it.
A lot of people on here all mention loneliness and how others tend to slip away because they donāt know how to handle grief - itās too much of glimpse of what theyāll face one day. That isolation can be overwhelming, soul-destroying, as we know the only person who could help is the one person who canāt. On the days when that feeling becomes too much reach out on here. Writing down my thoughts, knowing they will be read by people who genuinely understand, is one of the few ways I get by when the darkness swirls around me.
Saying Iām desperately sorry for your pain, for what youāre having to endure every day, seems trite, it certainly doesnāt sound enough somehow, but you know what I mean. I hope it does help in some way though.
A final thought for now, if itās true that āthe greater the love, the greater the griefā then we must have loved Jill and Michael beyond all measure. If itās the price we have to pay for having had them in our lives then, no matter how high, itās a price worth paying.
Take care Eve X
6 Likes
i read a blog by michael palin yesterday,struggling with āthe battlefield that is griefā 2 years on since his wife died,never hide your feelings,say you are ok when your not. i find that my family and some friends get this,but im also aware of the āsighs,eye rollsā of those who dont have a clue of what we go through,the peaks and troughs of grief,there being no cut off point,i think one of you wrote earlierā¦āyour time will comeā. so all you do is cover up/bottle up in their company,not good,it happened to me over my weekend away and it left me in a right mess. take care all. im away again this weekend,so will hook up when i get back,see if i do better this timeā¦stay away from -ve people!!
4 Likes
Reading all your posts is hard but oh so familiar with me being 9 months in fact nearly 10 months in on 8th it soul destroying i really do feel your and everyones pain on this road were on losing my fiancĆ© Linda is the most devastating thing Iāve ever encountered i lost my dad in 2021 but that was expected due to cancer but my soulmate passed at 53 after 14 years together and because she was in hospital getting treatment for liver problem she caught covid in there and it took her in three days despite being told by drs she could be home in a week or two we were due to marry this year but now my world has vanished into dust its dam hard on us left behind i hear lots of people say well you have your memories but it hurts reliving those because i cant make any more with her just triggers the bad dark thoughts now being in places we went as a couple i truly am sorry for all on here us the ones left behind that time forgets about
Take care of you all try be strong i know its hard believe me i do but my thoughts ate with you
Martin 
5 Likes
Your thoughts on memories are exactly like mine. I find memories, photos, music so, so upsetting. Knowing Iāll never make anymore with my lovely husband is just so hard.
1 Like
Itās a strange thing I feel that you always imagine, before you lose your partner,
that it must be hard but with no idea exactly how hard it actually is.
I was widowed tragically when I was young. Eventually I met a widower and there was an immediate connection because we both knew for real how awful a great loss is. We were married for 25 years until I lost him last year. We both made every day matter because we knew just how awful we had both felt before we met.
I feel every bit as heartbroken as I did when I was young. I thought that all the past experience of widowhood would enable me to cope better. No way has it helped.
Sorry to ramble on. I just feel that no two people or experiences are ever quite the same.
The main thing life has taught me is to keep communicating with those who really understand your pain, because it will help others and yourself to share your feelings.
6 Likes
wise words Beryl,im hoping we all get help from this page,just knowing we are not alone,nobody has a magic cure,but the companionship i have found invaluable,what do they say āstrangers are friends we are yet to meetā,i have met my SR friends,and look forward to the day we all can start saying there is light at the end of the tunnel,so in reality im in for the long haul!
1 Like
Thank you Manb I always enjoy your wise and insightful responses on here.
1 Like