It looks as though like me that you are awake in the middle of the night, not good.
I tried to explain to a friend who asked how I am getting on, how my life has changed and how difficult it is to adapt.
We lived our lives , like most, with a sense of routine. Up at the same time, to bed at the same time, meals at the same time, shopping, family, tv programmes , Now, the pattern is all over the place and I struggle to find a routine or purpose.
I feel that being able to write my true feelings down really helpful. To know that my words will be read by those who really do understand, rather than tell me that they do, is a great help.
Take good care of yourself. So much easier to say to others than to do .
I hope that you can get some rest now and to know that there is someone else out there feeling just like you may bring you some comfort.
@PSHm3
I completely understand your feelings described in your post.
I have been thinking a lot about life, loss and griefā¦ quite deeply actually, as I am a very sentimental person.
Itās nearly 7 weeks for me, but I know exactly what I was lucky enough to haveā¦ and what I have lost, and will never have again.
Sadly, I also know the intense pain, utter despair and bleak loneliness that comes from that loss too, which I endure every minute of every day.
As somebody else on this forum describedā¦ the source of my happiness, joy, and purpose to my life is goneā¦ forever.
Regardless of how much time lapses, I will always feel the same, because the special and unique person who brought so much happiness, joy, and purpose to my life, is gone, and sadly, isnāt coming back, which I canāt quite believe, even though I am saying it.
I loved my darling partner and my life so much, and with all my heart and soul.
I was optimistic and hopeful, and enthusiastically looked forward to, and embraced each new day.
My life had purpose and meaning and we were always looking to the future.
Wellā¦ life couldnāt be more different now, in fact my life has been obliterated and unrecognisable.
I canāt even bring myself to go through the motions, not even in a basic way.
My sense of loss is overwhelming and all consuming.
Thereās a constant physical pain and mental anguish that never goes away.
Exactly as you have describedā¦ my life is utterly pointless and without purposeā¦ itās merely just an existence from one day to the next.
Iām not being negativeā¦ just very truthful about my personal situation.
My darling Michael was my world, and I was his, and it worked perfectly for as long as we had each other.
I miss him with every fibre of my being, every minute of the day.
I feel desperately lonely and isolated with very little support, and sadly, nothing is going to change that.
I know the life I used to haveā¦ and I know what I have lost, and itās something that I will never be able to come to terms with, or accept.
The love of my life and my future have been cruelly stolen from me, and life has changed forever.
Iām so sorry for your loss, pain and suffering, I really am.
Eve x
Hi Eve,
As always my heart goes out to you and, although part of me recoils from the clichĆ©, I guess I know your pain. Certainly almost every single word resonates with me. Change Michael to Jill, ā heā and āhimā to āheā and āherā and ā7 weeksā to ā7 monthsā then everything else is genuinely identical. A beautiful, articulate, and heart-rending expression of where we are now.
Like you with Michael, Iāll never fully come to terms with, or accept, losing Jill. Yes, I know sheās gone, though oddly Iāve recently found myself looking round for her more often, but itās hardly an acceptance of her loss if that makes sense.
Thereās a line from Virginia Woolf I found when Jill was first diagnosed which came to mean a lot to us: āI am never not thinking of youā¦ā
I put it on the bookmarks I had made instead of a traditional order of service and on a memorial plaque by the cherry tree Iāve planted for her; it is so true.
It wonāt change. How can it? I only hope that one day the positive thoughts will outweigh the negatives that I, and doubtless you, feel today. Learning to live with our losses may come one day, so I keep hearing anyway, but, for me, acceptance doesnāt seem the right way to describe it - itās not a denial either, just more like giving in and saying itās time to āget on with our lives.ā
No.
I know thereās no timetable for dealing with grief, it hits us all at different times and in different ways. I know itās not a linear progression either; one moment thereās a step forward, you find a way through each hour, then next itās fifteen back! For you though, at just 7 weeks, it will feel incredibly raw, or numb, or both, and a constant stream of āfirstsā will make things so much harder. I try to build a safety net for those but inevitably end up on my own; maybe thatās right, theyāre mine, no body else really understands, but Iām not sure thatās the best way of dealing with it.
A lot of people on here all mention loneliness and how others tend to slip away because they donāt know how to handle grief - itās too much of glimpse of what theyāll face one day. That isolation can be overwhelming, soul-destroying, as we know the only person who could help is the one person who canāt. On the days when that feeling becomes too much reach out on here. Writing down my thoughts, knowing they will be read by people who genuinely understand, is one of the few ways I get by when the darkness swirls around me.
Saying Iām desperately sorry for your pain, for what youāre having to endure every day, seems trite, it certainly doesnāt sound enough somehow, but you know what I mean. I hope it does help in some way though.
A final thought for now, if itās true that āthe greater the love, the greater the griefā then we must have loved Jill and Michael beyond all measure. If itās the price we have to pay for having had them in our lives then, no matter how high, itās a price worth paying.
Take care Eve X
i read a blog by michael palin yesterday,struggling with āthe battlefield that is griefā 2 years on since his wife died,never hide your feelings,say you are ok when your not. i find that my family and some friends get this,but im also aware of the āsighs,eye rollsā of those who dont have a clue of what we go through,the peaks and troughs of grief,there being no cut off point,i think one of you wrote earlierā¦āyour time will comeā. so all you do is cover up/bottle up in their company,not good,it happened to me over my weekend away and it left me in a right mess. take care all. im away again this weekend,so will hook up when i get back,see if i do better this timeā¦stay away from -ve people!!
Reading all your posts is hard but oh so familiar with me being 9 months in fact nearly 10 months in on 8th it soul destroying i really do feel your and everyones pain on this road were on losing my fiancĆ© Linda is the most devastating thing Iāve ever encountered i lost my dad in 2021 but that was expected due to cancer but my soulmate passed at 53 after 14 years together and because she was in hospital getting treatment for liver problem she caught covid in there and it took her in three days despite being told by drs she could be home in a week or two we were due to marry this year but now my world has vanished into dust its dam hard on us left behind i hear lots of people say well you have your memories but it hurts reliving those because i cant make any more with her just triggers the bad dark thoughts now being in places we went as a couple i truly am sorry for all on here us the ones left behind that time forgets about
Take care of you all try be strong i know its hard believe me i do but my thoughts ate with you
Martin 
Your thoughts on memories are exactly like mine. I find memories, photos, music so, so upsetting. Knowing Iāll never make anymore with my lovely husband is just so hard.
Itās a strange thing I feel that you always imagine, before you lose your partner,
that it must be hard but with no idea exactly how hard it actually is.
I was widowed tragically when I was young. Eventually I met a widower and there was an immediate connection because we both knew for real how awful a great loss is. We were married for 25 years until I lost him last year. We both made every day matter because we knew just how awful we had both felt before we met.
I feel every bit as heartbroken as I did when I was young. I thought that all the past experience of widowhood would enable me to cope better. No way has it helped.
Sorry to ramble on. I just feel that no two people or experiences are ever quite the same.
The main thing life has taught me is to keep communicating with those who really understand your pain, because it will help others and yourself to share your feelings.
wise words Beryl,im hoping we all get help from this page,just knowing we are not alone,nobody has a magic cure,but the companionship i have found invaluable,what do they say āstrangers are friends we are yet to meetā,i have met my SR friends,and look forward to the day we all can start saying there is light at the end of the tunnel,so in reality im in for the long haul!
Thank you Manb I always enjoy your wise and insightful responses on here.
@PSHm3
Thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful, understanding and heartfelt reply.
Your words mean so much to me, and there is so much truth and sincerity in them, especially when you say āthe greater the love, the greater the griefā.
Never has there been a truer word spoken.
My darling Michael was the world to meā¦ as was your dear Jill to you.
It is indeed an extremely high price to pay, and to be honest, my heart feels like it could explode with the pain at any moment.
However, the more I think about things, the more I realise that my darling Michael was a heaven sent blessing to my life.
He stepped into my life just when I needed him the most, but least expected it.
I will never know why it had to end like this for us, when all we wanted was to be together forever, more than anything.
Maybe he was just too good for this worldā¦ my āone in a millionā with a heart of gold, but I always knew that, from the very first time our eyes met and our hearts entwined.
It was instant.
My darling angelā¦ I will always love and miss him, forever.
Take care too.
Eve x
I felt exactly the same when I first met Jill, Eve. Only and hour ago I was remembering how
I came home that night, sat on my couch with a glass or two of Jack Daniels, telling the cats that my world had changed for ever.
As it has again nowā¦
Beryl1B
I am so sorry you have had to go through this awful loss twice. My goddess you are not rambling , your strength is amazing.
Our close friend suddenly lost his wife almost 4 yearās ago. We thought at the time we knew what he was going through, as it turned out I didnāt have a clue but now I know only too well. He has been a constant support.
Love and hugs to you.
@PSHm3
I know yesterday was really tough. How are you feeling today?
Emty - other than thinking that this afternoon itāll be 30 weeks since the funeral.
How about you?
@PSHm3
Iām sorry you feel emptyā¦ I suppose it would be foolish for us to expect miracles.
Every day is badā¦ but today is really terrible.
Feeling very lost, empty, lonely and alone.
I really need my special person who loved and cared for me, and heās been taken from me.
I posted earlier this morningā¦ I will copy and paste below, you may not have read, but it explains how I feel and what I am going through.
I feel quite desperate to be honest.
Hello everyone,
Itās been a really bad morning.
I woke up feeling so lonely and alone.
I just feel I need to get some of what I am feeling off my chest.
There is nowhere I can direct this really, I have very little support, 2-3 work colleagues, and contact is by text/telephone.
A lot of the time, they are just talking about their own plans with their partnersā¦ days out/holidays/restaurants etc.
Itās painful to hear, but I donāt want to alienate them and not have any contact with anyone.
These are things I used to enjoy with the love of my life, before his life was cut short by cancer at just 58 years old.
I feel so lonely and aloneā¦ very isolated and just think what actually is the point of this?
Without my special person to love, to love me back, and share my life with. The future looks so bleak and scary.
I know there are many people who live alone, but havenāt ever experienced real and authentic connection and true love.
You canāt miss what youāve never hadā¦ so they canāt/donāt feel what they are missing out on, because theyāve never known it, so they happily get on with life, because they just donāt know any different.
The problem isā¦ I know exactly what I am missing and what I have lost, and I miss my darling partner and our wonderful life together so, so much.
Itās pure agony, I just want him back, but I know this canāt happen, and it breaks my already shattered heart.
The loneliness and the longing for my partner, actually makes me feel physically sick, which is most, if not all of the day, every day.
My days and my life had purpose before, and there was so much to look forward to every single day, plans, hopes and dreams, but thatās when I had my darling partner.
The loneliness and longing for him kicks in the second I wake up, and immediately my heart and my stomach sink at the realisation that heās not here with me.
The cycle beginsā¦ another long and very lonely day without any meaning or purpose.
I donāt have the motivation to do chores, or go through the motions.
What forā¦ and who for? Itās now just a lonely and solitary existence.
We were so very happy together, we were a part of each other.
The day Michael passed away, he took the best part of me with him.
All of the happiness and joy we had together has gone now forever.
What kind of life/existence is this now?
Losing Michael, has also brought to light that I am on my own.
There is no one I can confide in or fully trust.
The few people who I talk to on the phone keep themselves at armās length, and of course, I will never be anybodyās priorityā¦ merely an afterthought here and there.
I was my darling Michaelās number one priority, and he was mine.
I miss him so much, it hurts.
Iām sorry to ramble, but this is how I feel, and I can only ever be honest.
I have to go to the hospital this afternoon for blood tests.
I have gone from having everything and being so happyā¦ to this existence.
@HeartofGold
Itās a horrible time and I understand how you feel as does everyone on here. Lonely and alone with all these emotions and the intense longing for everything to be as it was, knowing it canāt beā¦
I have joined a group which is for bereaved women of any age.
They have groups all over and it might be something youāre interested in. You might not be ready yet but they organise local meet ups, walks, lunches etc and obviously because theyāre like minded women they know exactly what we are going through.
Sometimes itās good to try n find a different set of friends who understand to run alongside older friends who support but might not fully get what youāre going through.
Anyway they are called the Jollie Dollies and you can find them on the websiteā¦
Thank you brummy,
If i am honest today has been hard,with what happened yesterday. So i have not posted on here today. I am sorry you are struggling at the moment. I dread every ground hog day. I hope Chester is not to busy for you tomorrow. Do you get her flowers every week or just for the date ?
Thank you again take care.
Nightwish, You were so good to step in yesterday when help was needed, it is rotten that you are paying for your kindness and compassion now.
I bet that Sue looking down on you would be so proud, and wishing that you were happier.
Thank you Rob05,
As expected a crap night last night. Just made myself go for a walk. I hope you are ok. Just need to get the good memories back in.
I hope Chester went ok today. Sending you my best for tomorrow, Iāll be thinking about you. Take care