My dad loved his model railway. I have one of his engines on our table. Your lass would have liked the sweet peas from your garden. I have lit a candle at home tonight for Sue. I hope you get some rest tonight. I know tomorrow will be hard. Rant or ramble, we will be here for you. Take care
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1:30am
This is my life now.
Exhausted and shattered but laying in bed wide awake, in a silent and empty house on my own, thinking of my darling soulmate, everything that was, the happiness, joy and laughter we had.
And how it was all cruelly snatched from us, in the blink of an eye.
I miss him so very much, with all my heart and soul.
My heart can never recover and I will never accept 
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Oh dear,it sounds like some of you are really struggling over the last few days,sorry to read this,and i hope you have found some strength from those here in our SR friend group. i have been away attending a memorial beer festival in memory of Adrian ,the 3rd of his wishes as no funeral,rugby match,choral cncert and beer festival,his 3 loves in life,all of which have raised a staggering amount of money for our chosen charity. as for me,supported by a couple of special friends,who have been my rocks i âdid it"there was so much singing,cornish songs,a few shanties,so thats a tear fest in itself,but there was also laughter and much love(more tears),iam at home now,emotionally exhausted,but relieved its another âbox tickedâ my family were not down here with me for this,the final"send offâ,but âmy rocksâ carried me,iam blessed,i hope he heard and saw it all,they did him proud again. now back to reality,i dont feel as low as this time last week after being with the family for my birthday, maybe because i wasnt leaving them,this was a solo trip,driving myself ,i was sad to see that this mornings wind and rain have taken every petal of his "you are my sunshine"rose,the patio is covered in lovely soft yellow petals,i cant sweep them away,i shall let nature scatter them. love and comfort hugs to you all. mandy
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Manb, Well done, I am glad that it went well for you, and what fantastic Friends (Rocks) you have Good for them. 
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thanks rob,yes,those rocks who have stayed and not drifted away,im blessed,if i cry they cry with me,not that "get over it"malarky.
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Good morning. Yes, you are right about those who stay with you through thick and thin, I find it really hurtful when those I have known for many years, especially couples , very quickly float away. âWe are here for you, anything we can do just let us know â . Then disappear.
Maybe some people are just more empathetic than others, or they just cannot face up to the fact that they may be the one left.
On the other hand I have been surprised
by some who I least expected to be kind and supportive.
I feel that I have made new friends on here even though we have never met.
So many thanks to all those on here who are helping me cope with this awful time in my sad and lonely life.
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morning beryl,and everybody. wow,i feel drained today,the weekend has caught up with me,im running on empty again,theres no sense of purpose,i was up showered/dressed early as i was expecting the electrician whos communication skills are limitedâŚ"not today"but as yet not said which day! he will be moving/installing new radiators,plaster dust,so i cant see the point to be over enthusiastic with housework,thats my excuse,a few more mugs of lemon and ginger tea required,not ready for a cafetiere ,heck,a caffeine hit may be a step too far at this early hour(09.00!) have a good day everybodyâŚas good as it gets now!
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Hello, in nearly 8 weeks my husband will have been dead for a year.
Itâs the quiet I canât get used to . We were very independent and Iâm used to being on my own. My husband retired then set up as a full time gardener. But this quiet is different. Itâs a deathly quiet, an absence. I miss him so much.
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im 8 weeks in waiting too,in some respects the year has gone quickly,it seems like yesterday that the police came a knocking,then i think how can it go quickly when most days are long,quiet,empty,nothing makes sense anymore. as for quiet,i started off having the radio on all the time,nothing that reminded me of adrian,nothing classical,so i chose 60âs greatest hits,we were not together in the 60âs so no"our songs",soon became bored with repitition,how many times can you hum along to hermins hermits! so its back to quiet again,me talking to myself.well,talking to him,im watching far too much tv,not that i really concentrate,its background.all so weird,i say weird,because i really dont understand life as it is,what to expect next.
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Easter, My daughter took me to La Rochelle for 4 days last year. It did me the power of good, Ok she walked the feet off me, on the first full day we had done 18000 steps when we stopped for lunch at 1.45. and after lunch we walked to see some more things. Helped me to sleep. Go your son wants to take you, Have you started packing yet ?
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im off to lanzarote with friends in 4 weeks,i feel the same as @Easter ,what will people think of me,my family are 100% behind me going ANYWHERE to give me confidence,and away from the solitude,never say no invitations ,you may never get asked again.
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Went away for 2 nights and really felt the benefit of being somewhere different for a few days.
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Easter, Good, well done. Perhaps you will feel able to go away again.
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since we talked about holidays yesterday im having the colly-wobbles about my trip,its not the 1st time i have been to lanzarote since adrian died,but im starting to feel the âguiltâ,and why?its nothing to do with anybody else,my family think its important to go, im blessed that i have friends who want me there,who havent walked away from the things i did with them before he died,i dunno,as i said yesterday life is âweird"my reactions to things change from day to day,all im doing is going back to the indpendant things i did before i was caring for him,my son says i deserve it,dont know if thats the right word,what i did was what we pledged"in sickness and in healthâ. myabe once ive got the soft sand of flamingo beach playa blanca back between my toes i shall feel the advantage of not being stuck in the house on my own for 10 days.when i get back i shall be very close to the 1st anniversary.which im spending with my family,anyway thats 8 weeks away,need to focus on whats in front of me now. i hope the sunshines where you all are? anybody been affected by the florris storm in scotland? take care everybody
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Manb, If it was you who had passed and you had the opportunity to look down on Adrian wouldnât you like to see him on the beach in Lanzarote ? I am sure that he does not want you sat at home sad and miserable. Go and enjoy your holiday, and have a few happy thoughts about you and Adrian.
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rob,you are correct,what should make it easier is that it wont be a memory lane trip,beach holiday i did independantly,he never had any desire to do a beach type holiday,and i did it in march,felt really pleased with myself,he would so want me to keep doing these things,and i will,im lucky i can afford it,physically ableâŚwell hip n knee shakey! ,and im with friends 20 years younger than me,he called them âcare in the communityâ for taking me along!! ,weve been doing this for quite a few years now,my passport expires in 2 years maybe that and my joints will be the decider?as for this trip part of me is ready to go,ive bought new clothes(not needed of course),the question isâŚshould i be feeling ok about trying to enjoy myself,maintain some of my old life? mandy
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Mandy, Yes defiantly yes, you should be trying to enjoy yourself. as we all know life is short. We would all like our partners to be with us, but that was not to be, I am sure that my Darling would want me to have some pleasure and enjoyment with what I have left. So do not let that Passport expire, And hopefully the âCare in the community 
â will continue. Enjoy your holiday.
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wise words rob,always best to hear these words from somebody sailing the same storm,not from somebody who hasnt a clue what widowhood is all about,lets hope now i can get to the 3rd of sept without anymore doubts about my life choices. thank you so much. mandy
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Hi everyone
We had a stairlift put in for Bill and theyâre coming to service it tomorrow so Iâm having to move a few things to make it look tidy. Iâm afraid Iâve let things slip lately.
I came across a plastic bag and when I looked inside it was the wash bag I had taken to the hospital for him which he never got to use. Iâm afraid seeing this absolutely floored me. Iâm just in floods of tears even after 13 months. Everything feels so hopeless. I miss him sooooo much and I seem to be getting worse not better. I donât think this feeling will ever go away - utter devastation
Bill was everything to me. The one person who loved me for being me and I donât know how to live without him.
I know Iâve got to tidy up a bit for tomorrow but Iâm just a âsoggy messâ.
Thereâs just no meaning to anything. Everything seems pointless.
Iâm just so tired of trying to carry on. I know I havenât got a choice but itâs proving to be so hard.
When I read in the papers about people who are so horrible and the way they treat their partners (spouses) and appear to get away with it, I just canât understand why my loving, caring thoughtful Bill was taken from me. Life doesnât seem fair.
I know weâre all going through similar feelings and Iâm sending my love and hugs to you all 
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Harriet, Sorry that you have been upset by the wash bag. It always the little unexpected things that get you. I would have said the my Elizabeth, why did you get me to find that, what do you want ? She ( I know that it is all in my head ) probably would say, it is about time you sorted that out. It is daft but I can almost hear her smiling, she was so cheerful the way she managed the Parkinsonâs and put up with me.
Hope you feel better soon.
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