oh harriet,another step backwards whilst walking through treacle,soo hard,im only at 10 months and i know from being on this site there wont be a magic cut off point when our lives feel normal,will they ever? we need to work with the “new normal”,as rubbish as it is,start to find some meaning/purpose…self preservation,its what your bill would want.take care
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I was so lucky to have Bill. If anything needed doing he would never push me to do it. He knew things would get done and he was so patient.
Trying to tidy up a few things now I just feel so totally alone. I can’t put into words the feeling. I just know that the tears fall more frequently and I just can’t stop them.
A school report would say “must try harder” but I just can’t.
Thanks for your reply. 
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I’ve just forced myself to book a week in Crete Mandy and already that guilt you mention is kicking in. I know it’s something I’ve got to do though.
It’ll be even more difficult as the last time we went away, back in October, my wife ended up in hospital in Portugal for 8 weeks and never really recovered- I know I’m wrong, that the cancer had become too advanced but I’ll never shake the idea that we shouldn’t have gone.
Going anywhere without her terrifies me, it seems so wrong in so many ways, but it’s somewhere we never went together, or really talked about visiting, so I won’t have to face being somewhere familiar without her - I really wouldn’t cope with that.
For what it’s worth I do think you’re doing the right thing and, going with your ’ community health care team" should make it a little easier for you.
I’ll keep an eye out for your post when you come back, hopefully you’ll convince me to go too.
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i will be back on 15th sept,my 2 girl friends"care in the community" haha,are fine,but they dont understand if i have a “moment” they are early 50’s, both married,unaware of what my life is really like,despite knowing adrian and i as a long married couple for years,but,thankful that they are happy for me to continue tagging along as i did before adrian got sick last year. ive been to crete once north west,georgiopollis,it was lovely, go for it,its a giant step in our changed lives,our advice to each other has always been “baby steps”,one day we just have to increase the stride.
harriet,you dont have to try harder,acceptance of this void will come in its own time. tearsare good release,never pretend you are doing ok when your not,if you cant tell family/friends then stay on here letting your feelings be known ,especially a good day when it comes,we all need to know that there are good days,you feel proud of yourself. blimey a few weeks ago i was on here telling everybody i was doing ok as i had given some +ve help to a friends newly widowed husband,i felt quite elated,didnt last long,it pulled me down again,and i think thats because talking to strangers is easier,theres no personal involvement? who knows?,its a roller coaster isnt it?take care. mandy
Good for you Phil
That Consultant was so right. I have tried to exolain this to my son, but it didn’t go down well. I am very down today. Every Wednesday, the pain increases. My husband had his sudden cardiac arrest 8 weeks ago today. I really am so sorry for everyone who is going through this torment. One of you said it’s like Groundhog day and it is. Another day to just get through, but for what purpose? I can see no purpose. A friend sent me a message today asking how I am and ended by saying he hoped I was starting to see "some light at the end of the tunnel "!! I know he meant well but for the 1st time now I am raging. I feel so amgry, not with any one person, but with my situation. I feel furious that I am in a life I neither chose nor want. My daughter in law came by to collect something and didn’t really have much conversation. I miss my wonderful chats with my husband. We could talk for hours. I want to rant and rage but for what purpose? He is gone and I am in an alien world. I don’t feel like “me”. I hate who I am now. I wish and hope that we all learn to live with our new realities. I feel I should be grateful because some of you lose your soul mates at a much younger age. I should be grateful for having 52 years with him, but I really thought we had more time.
I wish we had had enough forewarning to do what we always said we would do and “go” together. I feel such guilt that it seems that now my Michael has gone, I fully realise how much he loved me and how I was his World. I just took for granted what we had. I am sending much love to you all and warmest of hugs. May we all be given the strength to cope with what we are enduring. Xxx
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My heart breaks for you and all of us on here, as we are all grieving & it is hell. Big hug for everyone
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Hi Harriet,
I completely understand and agree with you 100%.
Our husbands were the world to us, and we were the world to them, which is why, for us, everything seems so meaningless and pointless.
Something similar happened to me today.
I plugged in a landline phone we brought with us when we moved from our previous house.
We never bothered with the landline phone, as we always used our mobiles, but I though it would be a good idea to have it as an emergency phone/back-up for me now that I am here on my own, without the love of my life.
I saw there was a voice message, which I played… it was my darling Michael who had left a message for me when he couldn’t get through to my mobile. It was from 4 years ago.
I gasped. It felt like my broken and shattered heart had been ripped out of my chest, and I couldn’t breathe.
To hear his voice… oh my God… so loving, gentle and kind.
He loved and adored me and worshipped the ground I walked on.
I was SO lucky to have such an amazing person with a beautiful soul to share my life with, but I miss him like mad, and I always will.
I will never recover from this, because I know that what we had together was so special and so rare.
I love my darling Michael with all my heart and soul, and I always will, and I wish every second of every day that he was here with me.
He was one in a million and I don’t know why life is so unfair and so cruel.
We are so similar Harriet.
Sending you love and strength.
Eve x
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I completely understand every word that you say. I also think your school report would say Harriet lacks confidence in her own ability. You may not think it but just by putting your feelings on here shows that you are really trying your best to get through each day.
My life has not been without trauma , but losing my wonderful Nigel has been the hardest thing I have ever faced.
Sending you a big hug . Always here to listen . Widowhood certainly teaches you how much we all need one another, and especially from those who understand the intense pain we are all suffering.
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@Harriet4Bill ,beryl is right,you can do this…wise words
oh,eve that story broke my heart hearing his voice,i have some CD’s recorded when adrian was singing in male choir and mixed choral group,he had a very distinctive basso profundo voice,i shall never ever be able to listen to them,it would be torture,big hugs mandy
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I have something similar.
I have CD recordings of Church Services that Bill took and also a choir recording where he had a solo.
I don’t think I will ever be able to listen to them.
I also have a video of our wedding which I know I will never again watch.
Bill was my life. 
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Sadly great love always ends in tears for one or the other. I would not have wanted my dear Nigel to go through this awful pain though .
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im not sure adrian would be coping “as well as iam”…and im struggling.
Dearest Harriet, I empathise totally with all you have said. I wish I had some wise words for you, but there are none. I can, however, send love and big hugs. People tell me that eventually our memories become a source of warmth and happiness instead of pain and a reminder of what we have lost. It has just been 8 weeks for me and currently memories remind me of the life that changed forever when my Michael died. I think that is similar for all of us and I feel that people for whom this has not happened, don’t realise that. This loss is totally different from any other loss in life. Everything that gave life meaning and purpose; love, certainty, comfort, plans, togetherness, endless chats, laughter, I could go on and on, all goes the moment our soul mates take their last breath. They are dead and nothing can hurt them anymore, but we feel dead but have brutal pain and days to get through. Love to you Harriet and to everyone and big hugs. 
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So true Barbara
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lovely words Barbara,you sound switched on to how life will be,how other people are towards us, and its only early days for you. yesterday i was on here chatting about booking a holiday,feeling quite confident again,today a mess,no reason …well ,other than im struggling with this life alone. my family are off on 18 days holiday tomorrow,i think its in the back of my mind,i see them 4-5 weekly,and this holiday hasnt extended the visit time,but its the -ve feelings “what ifs” i really need to get doom n gloom out of my silly old head,i know they will be in touch all the time,thank goodness(sometimes)for cyber space. love to one and all out there. mandy
Dearest Manb, you have described so well what can happen after an achievement like the one you mention. I wonder whether, at times, our auto pilot selves are in action and enables us to actually do relatively “normal” things. This however takes energy and then comes the crash into hopelessness and despair. It also takes huge energy “pretending” we are coping as well as we can for others, especially family. Wouid it help to write down your “what ifs” and write what you would actually do if the what if happened? At least then you would know what you wouid do rather than being in a panic if something happened when your left decision making brain shuts down. It would also externalise your fears instead of them constantly circulating in your brain. I am sending love and hugs to you. Please forgive my 'advice ’ if it hasn’t helped. Xxxx
thank you,more wise words, ,interestingly others have mentioned writing things down,iknow my son did when his dad died 10months ago. as it happens a very good friend who was with me when adrian died has been to see me since i last hooked up with you and i hav e gone t hrough my “worry list”,she is totally in charge now,a very capable lady.hey,maybe i will relax now…a problem shared…certainly externalised ! i was that capable lady 10 months ago,now i cant decide if i want tea or coffee!!! so good to chat. mandy