thank you,its strange i cant remember having these flash backs recently,todays was really hard. ohh,everything so very weird. x
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thank you barbara,its early days for you, all i remember then was numbness and auto pilot existance. think im just having a rubbish week,anxiety about mother and her carers,my holiday in 3 weeksâŚmaybe i shall feel better when im away from the situation(s)clear my head. who knows? x
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I can relate to that Abbie I really can. And vacuous stupid phrases other people use like âtime is a great healerâ, âbut you must remember the good timesâ are pointless. I would rather someone say âIâm thinking of youâ. All best Abbie, Laura
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I wish and hope that for you! Everything feels just wrong doesnât it? One of the things that is so painful for me, is that this past week I have been having dreams where I am in a crowded store and I am sitting where Michael asked me wait. I wait and wait, but he doesnt come. I try to phone him, but find my phone is dead. I start looking for him and I search and search. I then wake up and have a panic attack and canât stop crying. It is horrendous. I used to have nightmares over the years but then Michael would hold me and tell me if was all alright. That canât happen now. I really do feel like a small, lost child. I am thinking of you and hope your flashbacks will become less. Sending love to you and to everyone who is in such pain. Xxxxx
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hello laura,welcome to âthings getting worse rather than betterâ,our supportive friendship group,and wow,yes things do seem to get worse,reality kicks in,âfriendsâ forget us,or have no idea how to deal with us,you have to walk in our shoes to understand,not that i understand myself some days! mandy
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Hi, i hope you got through today ok, with your flashbacks.
thank you,the day got better,although very misty eyed,same today,just listened to the kings VJ day speech,and i was off againâŚnature of the beast i suppose. âcome on ol gal,get a grip,you can do thisâ,not sure if the ol listening to herself thoâ!
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I think these emotions hits us all at different times often when we least expect it. A day can start off reasonable & an hour later its all very different. We have no choice but try to get through it as best we can xx
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I am 18mths along this journey and have been having a significant blip there is no rhymn or reason to grief we just have to go along with the flow but its hard
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Daisy,thank you ,i try to tell myself that i shall wake up any day soon and feel ânormalâ(1 yr in oct),alas,im kidding myself,there isnt a date on a calendar when all will be well again,its learning to live with the void and be aware that out of nowhere you will be knocked off your perch,or as a friend put it âthere will be detours as you climb the mountainâ
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I sometimes think i am doing ok and then wham im knocked sideways i have learnt treat each day as it comes if its a good day roll with it if its bad hope tomorrow is .better i am only 55 and try not to think about the future i am not ready to look that far ahead x
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ohh,Daisy,so young,tragic x yes,i now enjoy the good days,sometimes i feel guilty if im enjoying myself,my friend and i are off to lanzarote in a couple of weeks,im thinking that 10 days away from the house/memories will be light relief,deep down thoâ is this why im having more wobbly daysâŚguilt? we went out there in march,i felt easier then than i do now,on reflection it was early days,i was still numb,in autopilot,went with the flow,felt proud of myself,adrian always encouraged me to have my "girlie"holidays(mainly because he hated beach holidays!)and would want me to carry on,just wish it "sat right"with me that im doing things! x
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I understand.
I am struggling with the dont want to be on my own for 20+ yrs then feeling guilt because i feel i am betraying andrew by even thinking that. Such turmoil we go through x
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I dont even know what the answer is to be honest. Dont want to be alone but he was and is the centre of my world. My soulmate so confusi ng
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Hi Daisy, completely understand how you are feeling. Life feels like a prison sentence. I was married to my childhood sweetheart and we were married for thirty years. A heart attack took him away from me when he was 51, just 3 days before my eldest son was due to be married.
My life was over I felt.
I met a widower, in Church believe it or not ! He was at a very low point and when we started chatting he told me what a relief it was to talk with someone who really understood the pain and void in his life, rather than well meaning but completely without experience, folk.
We went on to marry and had 24 wonderful years together until cancer took him from me last year.
I am not suggesting the same might happen to you, it was certainly something I vowed would never happen for me.
However, now in my 80s , I feel that none of us knows where life may take us in the future or how we may live it.
Take good care of yourself . You will still go through all sorts of emotions. Be it sadness, anger , fear and doubt in yourself,
they are all part of this unimaginably difficult time.
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Thankyou so much for this it is so hard i slways said to andrew there will never be anyone else but lonliness is so so hard. I know he would understand i am not looki g for anyone else but would not rule it out completely for me its the feeling i am betraying him for even thinking that. I dont know if i could get past that but i know deep down you cant betray someone who is no longer with you. Hope that nakes sense
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what makes sense as i read your post is that you are thinking of yourself ,weighing up what may or may not lie ahead,options open,good for you. x
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To Everyone,
I miss my darling partner with all my heart and soul.
Michael was the centre of my world, and was cruelly taken from me at just 58 years old, when we had so much to look forward to.
Mornings are the most saddest and loneliest part of the day for me.
Where once they brought hope and promise of good things to come, and enjoy with the love of my life, now with every dawn, I am abruptly reminded of the loss and loneliness in my life.
The second I am awake, thatâs when I get that horrible sick feeling in my stomach, the anxiety and feeling of panic and loss.
Instead of rushing into the kitchen and reaching for the kettle to make us both a coffee/tea, and discuss our plans for the day⌠with a heavy heart, I slowly make my way down the stairs to an empty and quiet house.
My soulmate, and the love of my life, is not there.
Just his absence, the void, emptiness, silence, pain and longing for him, which I feel emotionally and physically.
I am sorry to sound so sad, but I have to be honest about how I feel and what Iâm going through.
This forum, does afterall exist for people who are bereaved and struggling to cope with their loss, and for those of us with little support, itâs the only place where we can try and process our grief with the kind understanding and support of those going through similar.
I hope for better days, but struggling with today.
I miss you so much my darling.
Eve x
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Eve
I can echo every word you have said. Mornings are the worst for me too, and weekends seem to be harder than weekdays, I donât know why. I miss my soulmate so much it physically hurts and I am struggling every day. Itâs 12 weeks now since he was suddenly and unexpectedly taken from me, shattering my world. I talk to him often and I hope he can hear me. Heâs not gone from my soul, after all he is my soulmate, but I miss his physical presence, his strength, his love, his hugs, his huge personality, his loyaltyâŚI could go on. All I am waiting for is to be reunited with him and at that time my tears will cease. He used say âalways and foreverâ on every card or note. He will be with me always and forever in my heart.
Have courage Eve, itâs all we have now to carry us through to being reunited with our beloved.
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Dear Heart of Gold, @ Eve, oh my goodness your words are so true for me and mamy of us, Iâm sure.
It is 10 weeks for me. Weekends are worse for me too and I also donât know why because we were both retired. Every day is like Groundhog day anyway now. Heart of Gold, I ache for you and for us all. My Michael always said we wouid make a plan and when we eventually felt we had had enough and life was too hard, then we would go together. He died in an instant from a cardiac arrest so there was no time to do that. I am left without him and this is not how it should be. Our âplanâ always gave me comfort because even the mere thought of being without him used to give me such pain. Now, like you, I live with the brutal pain and the long days stretching ahead which have lost all meaning and feel so pointless. Never apologise for what you express on here. I donât know what we would do without this group. I pretend so much and to others it looks like Iâm coping well. I apologise too much too. People get on with their lives. We are left without a life. I would rather be with my Michael. The emptiness, the loneliness and the absolute pointlessness of it all is unfathomable. I sit and ask myself things like, âCan this really be trueâ, â is it all a horrible mistakeâ'.
I miss all the little things. We just loved being together. I even miss our trips to the Supermarket. I miss the silly phrases we would use that other people wouldnt even understand like " al fresco" . We both knew what that means but somehow for Michael it became something unplanned, off the cuff, sudden. So I miss our âal frescoâ trips into the countryside. I even miss the irtitation with him at times and his with me. I miss the feelings of being alive together, sharing things, the deep sense of love and belonging and of being someoneâs World and he mine. Now the consistent feeling and ever present is deep, tortuous pain and longing. I am sending love to you Heart of Gold and to you Eve and to everyone who is putting one foot infront of the other and trying so hard to survive this nighmare of loss. Thank you doesnât begin to express my gratitide to you all for being there, and for being somewhere where no one has to pretend so that others will feel better whilst we are broken inside. Xxx
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