As I sat talking to my husband’s ashes this morning the thought struck me that this situation I now find myself really is like being put into prison. My old life has gone, I have occasional visitors from the outside but they eventually go back into the world and I remain in this prison, some days I am in solitary confinement. I feel a great sense of injustice, at first it felt like I was being punished for a crime I didn’t commit but now as the days wear on I have come to turn my fire on myself. Why didn’t I spot the signs of heart trouble in him? Why did I spend so much time talking about my own stupid health when all along his heart was turning into something that was about to kill him, why didn’t I insist he went to the doctor when he said he felt so tired…the list goes on and on. And like someone who has been banged up for life as they say, I’ll get used to it I’ll get used to looking out at the world from behind the prison walls, apparently…
Hi Juniper19, yes it does seem like a prison sentence, I do wonder what I did wrong in a previous life perhaps. What we both did wrong, he died, I’m left with all the awful thoughts, memories and being alone. I saw a poem about grief being a scream living inside of you on Facebook and it sounds about right. I hope your Saturday gets a bit better xx
You did nothing wrong, we’re not mind readers, if you had thought for one minute something was seriously wrong you would have jumped into action!
Blaming ourselves is part of grief, your brain can’t comprehend what’s happened, it’s not logical that it does something that is logical ie… could I have done something? Did I miss signs etc….
It’s a part of grief that you just have to work through, I found it helpful to write my questions in a journal & then write the replies as if you were answering a close friend who asked you these questions, when it’s in writing it seems to focus the mind & make you see straight rather then your mind spiralling.
Hi Juniper,you have summed my life up never thought of it that way but yes it’s like been in prison with occasional visitors but mostly solitary confinement.Don’t blame yourself for anything my other half died very suddenly at home of a cardiac arrest I never saw it coming it was such a shock.
Your so right when my husband first passed I told my daughter it was like being given a prison sentence I went through all those ifs and buts and whys and if I had done this, the guilt was over taking my life I saw a Bereavement councillor she helped me through it making me realise no I couldn’t have done anything to save him and showed me a chart the grieving path we take with our ups and downs hopefully I will get to the bottom of that chart one day you all take care
The chart sounds interesting - do.you wanna share ? My brother showed me one at beginning of this where you go right down to depression and slowly back up again … to acceptance … x
Debs5 the chart was at my Bereavement councillor’s but if you go onto Google it will show you the 7 stages that you go through she showed me how you go up and down
( Shock, Denial, Anger, bargaining, Depression and acceptance ) I’ve certainly gone through the bargaining one a few times you look after yourself and take care
Yeh ive seen it then. My brother showed me it … i think im going up the chart a bit but then i slip backwards … god its so tough. I wish people understood how hard it is 
xx
@Deb5 , people will never understand how hard this is unless they have lost a partner, even then some will manage better than others . We are all unique in the way we feel , the same as we are all unique in the way we loved . Sending hugs x
Yeh true… well my kids dont even understand so there you are … not much hope of anybody else really understanding is there ? My mums been good but im her daughter arent i … im buying her fish and chips for her lunch tomorrow x
Debs5 it is very hard I also go up and down on the chart still haven’t excepted he’s gone had a very bad day today crying on and off but I thought it won’t beat me so I went into garage and give it a good tidy up but still got upset as some of his disability things are still in the garage but I’ve done it you take care
I know it feels like we are in prison .but does anyone feel like they are being punished , I often think I must of done something wrong , for my husband to have died and left me in this hell . But my husband was also punished, having to go through all the pain he did and then to miss out on seeing his kids and grandkids. And of course me . So really we and our kids and grandkids are being punished, but for what reason . Sometimes this mind of mine is so cruel to me with these thoughts x
Yeh i know what you mean it does feel like a punishment and so unfair im so lost without him … i try to pretend im not but i so am … ive lost all my sense of security and self worth its just a life of nothingness isnt it its just totally crap really ! xx
Yes I often say I’m nothing now in a life of nothingness. We try to keep plodding on , but it’s so pointless now . X
Yep we do … i hope i can find some happiness … i really wanna be happy again but it just doesnt seem to be attainable at the moment everything feels like its against me in every way … we just have to hope we find something don’t we to make us happier its weird to think we did actually have a life once !! xx ( fed up today can you tell ? Lol )
Yes I can tell , some days are worse than others. I really don’t know what would make me happy, so I can’t even try for happiness, I had my happy life , now it’s just crap💩x
Something will … you just gotta find it … its like a searching mission … lol x
Oh God yes. We used to sit there and say we were/are nice people , why us this happening to us…,
I still don’t have an answer
I feel the pain you all describe.
8 months on and the messages of support have all but gone and I get no visitors.
No one comes round, it feels like solitary confinement, the crime being that I could have perhaps done more.
I have to stop myself asking ‘why?’, as I know I will never get the answer, it is futile asking, but still I can’t comprehend how such a lovely vibrant person was cut down in such a short time.
I also ask “Universe! What did we do wrong to receive this devastating punishment, we were nice people, we did no harm to anyone, in fact we brought people together, I don’t understand, what path am I to follow now, what does this mean?”
I also find myself sounding like a stuck record saying “I miss you so so much”, it’s all I say everyday almost all day, my heart is broken, it took me years to find the one, now she has been taken, she didn’t want to go yet, we had so much to do and I am convinced I will never find another as good, as it took me ages to find her.
Death has served me a life sentence.
It’s so true what everyone has said it is like a punishment what have we done the only thing is fall in love 
life is so cruel I just dread getting up every single morning is this my future I’ve spent nearly 10 months of my life grieving for him just because I loved him so much I feel my life is just flying by I just hope I can find some comfort to have a bit of happiness and get out this tunnel take care everyone