Hi
My husband died in an accident just over eight weeks ago. I just can’t accept that he has gone. I know it has happened on a rational level but still I’m still expecting to see him again. If I try to confront what’s happening I feel such panic that I’ve got to do this without him. I know that I am strong and capable and I will do it -I’ve got two beautiful children -but the truth of it is that I just don’t really want to do it without him and never expected to have to.
I miss every aspect of our life together and we are quite young so I feel like I’ve got such a long time to manage without him. I know that I will always feel desperately sad. I didn’t just love him, I was still so in love with him. I really hope he knew that.
I am well supported by friends and family and not lacking company but I just want his company. I keep hoping that I’ll get some sign from him and I’m searching everywhere for something that will let me know he’s still looking out for me. I’m not even dreaming about him. I have this awful yearning to see him that I can’t imagine will ever stop being so painful. I’m desperate to talk to someone professional about how to manage this but there’s lots in the pipeline with no actual support yet. I know it’s early days but I really need to talk to someone who understands. Hence me reaching out on here. I feel this enormous weight of sadness when I wake up each morning and I feel exhausted. I’m used to being quite bright and bubbly but I’m not the same person anymore.
I would give anything to speak to him for five minutes and I’m waiting for him to tell me I’m doing a great job and he’ll take over for a bit so that I can have a rest.
I’m living a life that isn’t mine and I’m bone sad.
Is anyone further along the line that can reassure me that things might get more manageable or advise me about when it might sink in…or even if that is a good thing.
Dear Emma112
I am so sorry for your tragic loss and I can understand your frantic search for answers and solutions.
First of all you are probably in shock and that will take some time to get over. You should take life very easy, look after yourself and your beautiful children. Make good use of the support offered by your family and friends.
I lost my wife six months ago to a heart attack. We had been married for 48 years, so my life has been utterly devastated and at the tender age of 73 (pushing 74!) “moving on” doesn’t seem much of an option. We have no children so just had each other. We were soulmates and did everything together. She definitely took part of me with her.
I have, however, noticed signs that my wife is still with me in spirit.
You mentioned looking for some sort of indication that he is still with you. The signs are subtle and can easily be dismissed as coincidence, it depends on what you believe I suppose. For instance, very early on in this terrible journey I noticed my wife’s favourite perfume when I went to bed. It was very fleeting but it was definitely there and seemed to appear particularly on nights after a distressing day.
I find she helps me with the more mundane things as well, especially the domestic filing system! I can spend hours hunting for a document without success but when I say “OK I give up where is it?” I go straight to it.
I won’t bore you with other examples at the moment, but time after time she is there looking after me. Her help was particularly noticeable at her funeral but that’s another story.
I’ve asked widowed friends and relatives about how they managed and they all say you never get over your loss but you do learn to live with it.
It’s very early days for you Emma, it will take as long as it takes, it can’t be rushed. It’s a well worn phrase but take one day at a time and look after yourself.
This community is wonderful. Everyone here understands what you are going through. Keep posting because it’s very therapeutic.
God bless.
Hi Rjay,
Many thanks for your kind reply. 48 years is such a long time to be married -I’m so sorry for your loss.
I take comfort from the signs that you are seeing. I’m not hugely religious but I am spiritual and believe that there must be something else. It’s hard to contemplate that someone with so much energy and joy for life just ceases to exist. I’m maybe looking too hard!
Thanks again, it really does help to talk.
Hello Emma,
Eight weeks is nothing. Sudden death is so hard for your brain to adjust to. I was in the Netherlands visiting our son when the police phoned to say my husband had been found dead in a garden where he was working. He was a gardener. It’s now 36 weeks. I still cry everyday but also find comfort and joy in things. I met someone who was widowed about 10 years ago and she likens grief at that stage as getting up and putting on a familiar dressing gown.
I don’t really believe in an afterlife or signs but…. my husband died in October and suddenly when discussing his funeral a butterfly appeared. My daughter emptied the log store in December and found the same type of butterfly and the day my son returned to the Netherlands the same type of butterfly rested on his leg. I still briefly forget he is dead. Phew. It’s a cliche but you have to take one day or even one hour at a time. It’s painful and only people who have been through it really understand. I am so sorry and sending love.
Hi PHM
I agree, I don’t think that my brain can calibrate so is just buffering. I heard someone say that they never realised that grief is a similar feeling to fear and I can relate to that.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I love the idea of a butterfly checking in on you all. I am just doing the practical small tasks in front of me at the moment, which is hard because I’m a natural planner.
I’m just thinking how difficult your journey home from the Netherlands must have been. I was out shopping when I got the phone call and that trip home was horrendous. Isn’t it amazing what your body and brain do to try to protect you though.
Sending you a virtual hug
Emma
@Emma112
Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss.
You are in the very early stages of grief and it is a fearful place. I’m just 4 weeks on from you and the fear is still very real, and I’m still learning that this is a natural response to bereavement.
I don’t have any great pearls of wisdom for you, only sympathy and empathy. It’s a horrible place to be, but you’re not alone, and one message posted in this community is evidence of that.
One thing I would say to you though is to try and keep your husband’s memory alive and try to feel his presence by talking to him. Tell him how you feel, talk to him about your day, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Maybe spray a bit of his aftershave (or something) so it smells like he’s there. It feels strange at first, and it will be emotional, but in time you do believe you’re talking to him and he’s listening.
Try to live day by day, and look after yourself, eat well, even if you’re not hungry, go for a walk, talk to friends and family.
I wish you well
Rebecca x
Thanks Rebecca, your empathy and sympathy is much appreciated.
I can often hear what he would say in certain situations in my head but I can’t hear his voice yet if you know what I mean. Hoping that will come. Thanks for some lovely ideas. I will give them a go.
Emma
Hi Emma122,
I am sorry you are on this crap path. Your brain will be all over the place. It trys to protect you. Just remember the basics eat,drink and sleep, we all know this is hard,but if you are crying a lot you need to stay hydrated. If you need to rant or ramble just post. I am afraid we know what you are going through. If you have a support please use it. Please take care of yourself and your children. Again i am sorry you are here.
So sorry for your loss @Emma112
I found this piece online and thought it might help.
When you’re at a low point in your life, it feels like it’s never going to end, but it will; it always does. The hardest part is not believing the thoughts in your head that tell you it won’t. The mind is tricky. When you’re in pain, it tells you things that aren’t true. It whispers that you’ll always feel this way; that nothing will change; that you’ll never be happy again. But those are just thoughts; they come and go like passing clouds and just because a thought appears in your head doesn’t mean it’s true. You felt joy before. Maybe it’s been a while; maybe you don’t even remember what it feels like but if you felt it once it means you can feel it again. That part of you isn’t gone; it’s just buried right now, covered by everything you’ve been carrying.
Just do one small thing and then another, that’s how healing happens. That’s how you slowly climb out of despair. None of us are perfect, but we don’t need to be. We just need to keep going. Small things matter and each one is proof that you’re still here; still fighting. Healing doesn’t mean you have to fake a smile; it just means you allow yourself to feel without believing that the feeling will last forever, because no emotion lasts forever. The pain you are feeling right now, it won’t last forever either. Have you ever noticed how, when you’re in a dark place, your mind brings up every bad memory, every regret, every mistake? That’s because pain tries to convince you that it’s permanent. But think about this. If you’ve ever had a good moment in your life, even just one, that means good moments are possible. They didn’t disappear. And just as pain arrives unexpectedly, so does joy.
You’ve made it to this moment; you’ve survived everything life has thrown at you so far. You’ve endured unimaginable pain and somehow you’re still here and that means you’re stronger than you realise. Pain doesn’t mean you’re weak; struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. They mean you’re alive, and as long as you’re alive, there’s still room for something beautiful to come into your life. Right now, it doesn’t feel that way. Right now, it feels impossible, but the day will come when you’ll look back at this moment and realise you made it through. You survived the days you thought you wouldn’t. You kept going even when everything inside you told you to stop. That is strength and no one can take that away from you.
He’ll send you signs. Just stay open and trust when they arrive. The love you have between both of you is still there, it’s just different.
Wow! Thank you Wilson 9, that is really helpful
@Emma112 as everyone has said, it is still so early for you.
I have just got past the 1 year anniversary and, at the beginning, I didn’t dream about my husband either. I struggled to pull the happier memories through and just kept replaying those final days.
I do now dream about him and they are dreams of him with me, smiling, linking arms. I actually woke up and could remember the feel of his arm, the jacket he was wearing, and this gave me great comfort.
I agree with you that the thought of years ahead without him is terrifying and so I try not to think or plan too far ahead to try and avoid those thoughts.
I am so sorry for your loss, everyone hear understands what you are going through x
Dear @Emma112 I’m sorry for your loss. My fit and healthy 52 year old husband died in his sleep in March. The sudden feeling of complete shock is something that will never leave me. We have a teenage son that I’m trying to emotionally support but the truth is my life was not supposed to turn into this sh*tshow.
My brain still hasn’t fully accepted that he’s not coming back. How can this be? He must be here somewhere?..you get the idea.
What I wouldn’t give to touch/hug/speak with my lovely husband.
Just breathe in and breathe out. This forum really helps with the feelings of isolation.
You are not alone. Feel free to message/post any time you need support.
Warmest of hugs,
P.
Morning all, your messages really resonate. And Emma, thank you for even thinking about my journey home from the Netherlands when you are going through your own storm. My husband must have died instantly, they thought he was asleep as he was sitting up on their little bandstand where he had his break and a cup of tea. This is ridiculous I know but for quite a few weeks I thought” does he know he is dead? Is he wondering where we are?”
It’s now 37 weeks, as I said you get used to it a little more day by day.
I also ignore the people that say it was meant to be etc. They have No idea.
This is copied from a widows’ forum I look at occasionally.
The Widow’s Reality Knows:
Nothing is guaranteed.** A Tuesday morning can transform your entire existence without warning.
Tragedy is democratic.** It strikes regardless of your goodness, your planning, or your prayers.
Life is wildly unpredictable.** The script you were following has been shredded, and you’re improvising every day.
Everything is temporary.** Even the most solid-seeming relationships can disappear in an instant.
Pain is not optional.** It must be felt, processed, and integrated, not avoided.
Until something like this happens you haven’t a clue. I had experienced an horrific event with my daughter, who has mental health issues, which culminated with her children living with us for a year. They now live with my SIL, but however bad it was I had my husband right next to me.
But as I said, one day at a time.
Hi
It’s so reassuring to me that you thought “does he know he’s dead?” I’m still doing that. I’m also continually asking what would he say to me about it all? What would his reaction be to the idea that he’s dead? What would he say to me about it? What would he tell me to do?
I’ve had a rough weekend -mostly because I’ve been watching Glastonbury and music is something that we enjoyed together. I can’t stop crying at the thought that I’ll never feel that joy again. I miss him so much.
This week I went back to work. That is also so hard -trying to do normal things when my life isn’t normal and I am so terribly sad.
I’m overwhelmed by the enormity of it all but have seen a recommendation on here for the book “Life after Life” and am hoping that reading that can offer me some comfort.
It’s so horrible yearning for something that you just can’t have.
Sorry, just needed to vent a little. I find I have to have a good sob each day -today I’ve been with family who can’t cope with me being upset so I feel I have to contain it - I feel better for letting it out. Thanks!
Dear Emma112
I am so sorry for your loss and the understandable distress you are now suffering. I lost my wife in December 2024, after 48 years of marriage, and I certainly haven’t come to terms with my new existence. It raises so many questions and so few answers.
It comes down to a question of faith I suppose. You gradually weigh things up and come to a conclusion about what is the meaning of life. For instance I don’t believe that we, intelligent human beings, came into existence by a chance bolt of lightning hitting a primeval pond of slime. The whole world is beautifully engineered. Birds wings, plants, bones, DNA, everything is designed to perfection and engineering solutions are used over and over again for different purposes, there is no wasted effort. There is intelligence behind the universe and I believe we are part of that intelligence.
I’ve just started reading Life after Life (2022 edition) and only just got through the introduction and preface, but it makes pretty compelling reading and chimes with my view that when we die we go to a much better place.
I also believe that my wife’s spirit is still with me and she indicates her presence in ways that are subtle but obvious if my mind is open to them.
Ultimately you will have to work out what makes sense to you and what brings you peace of mind. Unfortunately there are no short cuts for this process, everybody works at their own pace,
It’s very difficult talking to friends and family about these things and that is the beauty of this website. You can tell us about your anxiety and anger and we will understand, we are all going through the process.
One thing you should keep in mind is that you haven’t been singled out for punishment. Most people will face this trauma at some stage in their lives be it with a lost partner, parent, child, brother or sister, sadly it’s very unfair but part of life.
Take good care of yourself Emma.
Hi Emma,
My partner of 16 years died in a road traffic collision a week ago. He was walking across the road after attending a concert in London and a car hit him. I’m haunted everyday at the sound of police knocking on my door to tell me he’d been in an accident. I am 40 years old and have two t children, 15 and 12. I cannot comprehend that this is my life. I can totally relate to you. I keep hoping he’ll visit me as a spirit (something I’ve never believed in before) or I’ll fall asleep and see him in my dreams, which hasn’t happened yet! To make matters worse there is an investigation and inquest into his death and I’ve been told it can take up to 2 years to complete. I’m panicking that the interim death certificate I’ve received won’t be accepted on our insurance policy, I’m carrying my children’s grief so suppressing my own. Basically I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. This wasn’t the plan, we were still in love, we were a team, a bloody good team and I just can’t believe I’ve got to do life without him. I feel hopeless, lonely and frightened to do it all alone.
I to am well supported, like you, my family and support network are incredible but it’s not him, I miss all aspects of our life together. I feel exactly as you’ve described. Sending virtual hugs and strength your way. X
Hi Lia40
I am so very sorry for your loss. It really is awful. Your situation has so many parallels with mine. My children are also 12 and 15. We have lost our team mates and it is incomprehensible that we now have to do this alone. I am still asking him to visit me, talk to me, let me dream about him so it makes total sense to me that you are doing that too.
I haven’t really got any words of wisdom except to say that you can do it. I am literally dealing with whatever is immediately in front of me and am actively pushing any thoughts about long term stuff away. Part of my brain has still not processed what has happened and I’ve been advised to just let that be -I was trying to deal with it face on and force myself to accept that he’s gone but what’s the rush? I’m reading a book called “The Grieving Brain” which I’ve found helpful.
There is an ongoing investigation about my husband’s death too and that is really hard to manage. Largely because I want to know what happened, I want to reassure myself about what he felt/knew etc but each time you get more details more questions arrive. It really is so painful.
I have not had any issues regarding acceptance of the death certificate by insurance companies though so I’m optimistic that that will be the same for you.
I too feel really frightened but actually it can be quite liberating to just keep asking for help. I have seen such kindness from strangers. I’m a little further down the line from you and the panic does subside a little because you’ll be amazed at what you can do.
Also, have the charity Brake been in touch with you? I recommend them as they can offer specific support about road traffic deaths.
I know that I am always going to be lonely without him but I’ve been carrying his photo with me to events like the kid’s school awards ceremonies, which I faced this week, and it helped. (He would definitely be rolling his eyes at this) I’m still talking to him and am hoping that I can feel his presence at some point soon.
I am sending you so much love. It is so unfair and does make no sense. All I can say is that I feel your pain.
Look after yourself
Emma
Emma your message was so comforting to wake up to this morning. Just knowing someone has experienced something so similar and is managing to function further down the line has given me some hope that I will too. I love that you said your husband would find you carrying his picture around strange. I’ve done many things already James would have laughed at if he could see me. Whatever brings us comfort is what we need to do. Well done on attending an awards ceremony alone for your children, I know that would have been hard and triggering. It’s those things for the surviving spouse where we will feel a sense of loneliness. He would be proud of you and his children from the sounds of how strong you are being.
Can I ask how your children are dealing with school. I’m so worried about mine. It’s only been a week so they have been off, however they are attempting half days next week 12-3pm. We’ve decided on afternoons because falling asleep for them is so hard. They are up until 2-3am, which is when their questions come and I just can’t see how they’ll ever have a normal bed time again or be able to get back into normal life. Any words of advice that you found helped with your two?
Morning Lia 40
How to help the children is a tricky one -because it’s so changeable. Mine have both found the routine of school really helpful. They wanted me to tell a few key parents so that they could let their kids know so my children didn’t have to put it into words. I was amazed by how confidential everyone was so lots of their friends didn’t know and that made them uncomfortable.
I can’t fault the school for how they have handled it. Everything is at their pace -they’ve been told what support they can access but it’s also fine if they’re not ready yet -and they aren’t. My daughter doesn’t really want to talk about it -she doesn’t think there is any point. She said she felt that we were too happy and too lucky and she always worried something was going to happen because we had it too good. I think that stems from watching Disney films where there’s always a family tragedy. She’s a really positive person but I think she will need to talk it through eventually. My son says that he knows what has happened but he has put it somewhere in his brain and is not going to look at it yet.
I’ve been really honest with them from the outset, I was advised to be so that they don’t feel that I’m hiding anything from them.
I would say that them knowing I’ve got other people to talk to has helped them. I know they relax if I’ve got a friend round for the evening because they don’t feel that they have to keep an eye on me. Many of Steve’s friends have gone out of their way to offer to help with specific things that he did with them -for example Steve was very musical and I am not -so his best friend has been messaging our son about band things.
In the first two weeks they asked lots of questions but not now and they don’t want to go over things that we’ve already talked about -so I’ve stopped myself from doing that.
To go back to your original question I think it’s a great idea to do a gradual build up at school. I said to mine that I trust them to know what they need and if they ask for it we will do everything to make it happen. I think a no pressure approach is best - just because they managed one day doesn’t mean they will feel the same the next. They asked their friends to treat them like normal and told them they didn’t expect them to know what to say. They have responded so well to the normality of it all but are comforted that if they feel awful they can leave.
I think that’ll be easier for yours once they are sleeping and it is such early days. The approaching summer holidays will mean is different for yours too. They will have a normal bedtime eventually but I guess they’ve got so much adrenaline from the shock it’s too soon for that.
I, like you, felt that Steve and I were a great parenting team and I’m a little lost without him. I can’t replicate what we had or fill the enormous gap and now our family is off kilter. I’m just doing my best and the kids know that. I’ve told them that I’ve got them and they are safe but I feel terribly sad and they’re okay with that. Trust your judgement and let people help. The school will have experienced this before and they’ll advise you if you ask but primarily your kids will tell you what they need. It’s so scary isn’t it? but don’t worry you’re not alone.
Big hugs
Emma