Also meant to say I told my children what I was doing during the day when they were at school so that they knew they weren’t missing out on decisions that they wanted to be a part of -like funeral arrangements etc, but also so they knew that I was seeing someone so that they didn’t have to worry about me when they weren’t there.
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Hi Lia40
I was just wondering how you are doing and how your children are coping.
I spent last night ordering some canvas prints of my husband. I find it comforting to see his face in every room. Again, this would make him laugh, but whatever gets you through right?!
Emma
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Hi Emma,
Canvas prints sound like a lovely idea, hopefully you’ll feel his presence in every room they are hung. I get so much comfort from pictures. We have James celebration of life this week and I’ve been creating a PowerPoint presentation that I want played. I’ve cried and laughed while looking at them but mainly felt a source of comfort seeing his face and remembering everything we did in the short time we had. Have you managed to be able to have a funeral or celebration yet for Steve?
It’s so nice of you to check in, my kids have settled somewhat. Bedtime for my youngest has improved, my 15 year old was a bugger for sleep before. Teenagers are on a difficult schedule to the world 
. The questions from both boys seemed to have stopped. We are three weeks in so still very early, I’m expecting more to come but generally I get the sense they don’t want to talk about it. They seem to enjoy talking about their dad and sharing good memories, particularly funny ones. I find them asking themselves what would dad say- their dad was hilarious and well known for his sense of humour.
I can’t say it’s getting better because I can’t see we’ll ever be better. However, we are surviving and that survival looks more recognisable to the outside world. It’s now in the more private moments I only fall apart. Have you got to go through the process of an inquest or investigation? This is the part I’m frustrated with, everything takes so long. I hope the canvas come soon and you’re pleased with them xx
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I’ve been exploring spiritual beliefs to help me navigate my way through this ordeal. I often think of this whenever I find myself dwelling on my wife’s absence:
The spiritual truth is that you are never truly separated from those you love. The bonds formed between souls transcend our temporary, physical existence. Your loved one sees you, hears you and remains connected to you through the unbreakable cord of love that binds you eternally. They understand your grief and wish you to know, that while they cannot return to physical form, they have never truly left you. In the fullness of time, when your own physical journey reaches completion, you will experience the indescribable joy of reunion.
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I get the bit about not being the same person yourself.
I feel the person I was died too.
I don’t know who I am now.
I distress myself by being cheerful and upbeat sometimes. I feel annoyed that that is still there. My sense of humour and all that we shared. It is a reminder of him. I am not me with him. So me without him has to be here. And I don’t like it AT ALL.
I am like one of those lego models that has been attacked by toddlers. So half the bit are missing. I miss who I was with him. I miss us. I miss him laughing when I could be funny. I miss existing in myself. I feel I left my body. But somehow I am still here in a very surreal way.
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I agree. A lot of information out there that confirms this.
This is another spiritual insight I quite like. Just wondered if this resonates with you.
We honour our departed loved ones best not by remaining broken, but by allowing our love for them to become an integrated part of our continuing life. We carry them forward, not through unhealed wounds, but through the ways their love has shaped us. As we learn to transform our grief, allowing the sharp pain to gradually evolve into tender remembrance, we create a different kind of light in the spiritual realm. Rather than the turbulent storm of raw grief, we generate a steady warm glow of love that both honours our connection and allows greater freedom for their soul’s journey.
In this transformation lies the deepest truth about what the dead see when we cry for them and what they hope to eventually see. Not our endless suffering but our gradual healing; not our determination to remain broken in their absence but our courage to live fully because they once showed us how to love. This is perhaps their greatest wish for us. That the love we shared becomes not a source of permanent anguish, but a foundation for continued growth, meaning and joy. In this way, we honour them most truly, allowing both their souls and our hearts the freedom to continue their respective journeys connected always by love, but not bound by unresolved pain.
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Beautifully said. I think it’s true, too.
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Thank you so much for your last two posts, which I’ve found a great comfort.
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Hi @Sadie62.
Glad you found some comfort in my posts. Just trying to offer something more positive, comforting and uplifting to think about when our minds are tormenting us with thoughts of pain, absence and loss of our loved ones.
Where are you on your grief journey and how are you coping?
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Hello Emma112. I am so sorry to hear you have lost your husband to an acvudent. That must be awful. My husband died almost 2 years ago now following a medical issue he fought for 10 months but lost the battle. We were lucky to have spent 50 years together but still its so lonely. Making decisions alone that we used to do as a couple is the hardest for me. I look for signs of his spirit around and just the other day I walked into the bathroom and found a white feather on the windowsill. The window was firmly shut so I took it as a sign. Most of all though I look at the faces of my children and grandchildren and there he is staring back at me. I have his ashes at home, but will be releasing him soon to fulfil his final wish. Its taken me 2 years to get to the stage where I feel I can finally let go of his physical being. I know he will always be in my heart, as will yours be in your heart. God bless you on this journey, it is hard but it does gradually get less so.
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Hi Lia 40
I hope James’ celebration went well and you got some comfort from sharing with people how much you have lost.
Steve’s celebration was really beautiful and calm. (I didn’t climb on the coffin and refuse to get off or be sick -i was worried I might be) I did it all for him though and I know it sounds odd, but I expected him to return and thank me for doing a good job!
There’s been an ongoing investigation about what happened and that is so hard. I’m constantly going through the events in my mind and then having to change it with new information.
I’m glad things have settled a little for your boys and I definitely think reminding each other about funny memories helps.
We are attempting a holiday away for a week. We’ve had loads of key events -my birthday, my son’s birthday and on Saturday our wedding anniversary and I’m so exhausted. I think a break away will be helpful but I find weekends and holidays so challenging. I get that you shouldn’t try to look too far ahead and just deal with the day in front of you but my brain doesn’t seem to work like that.
I also can’t see that things will ever be better but I agree you survive. My key motivation has always been Steve though and to keep doing things and know that I can’t get to spend time with him is unbearable.
I hope you’re getting somewhere closer to finding some answers.
Big hugs
Emma
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Thank you Reired 2 for your lovely message. I agree, making decisions alone and taking sole responsibility is really hard. I spend a lot of time touching things that i know my husband touched and am nowhere near ready to be able to let go of his physical being. Thank you for the comforting thought that that might get easier. My son looks so like his dad that I know what you mean about having him staring back at you!
Best wishes
Emma
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Yes, I miss being who I was when I was with him. I’ll never feel that safe again. Our lives have changed and I don’t feel okay with that.
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Hi Emma112,
James celebration on Saturday was just perfect. The room was full. I took a moment to appreciate how many people were there and how it was a testament to the many lives he had an impact on. We had a closed cremation so no coffin in sight for exactly the reason you mentioned. Your comment did bring a chuckle to me, I don’t think I’d of wanted to let it go so well done you for getting through it all with such grace.
I can relate to your story in so many ways. We had the police here the day before James celebration going over events of the accident. We were told the driver of the car has pleaded not guilty, standard response apparently, so potentially a court trial is in our future. We are hopeful the plea will change once evidence is presented. Our case is strong and she was very clearly speeding which has been caught on CCTV. Do you have to go court? We’ve been told it could 18 months to 2 years for everything to be settled.
I think a holiday sounds like a brilliant idea. We have to have joy in our lives and what better way to distract yourself than with a holiday. It’s important to model how to grieve to the children and still give them fond memories of holidays and outings despite the tragedy. I think your choice to go away sounds like a good one for all of you. Have you decided on a place to go? It sounds like you’ve got over some milestones celebrating birthdays etc so well done you for getting through them. Another hurdle crossed during the first year of firsts. Xx
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Hi Lia 40
I’m glad the celebration went well. It sounds lovely.
I’ve really got the wobbles about going away. Think I will be fine when I get there but sorting everything out on my own feels horrible. We’re heading to the north Norfolk coast. The sea always makes me feel good so hoping it works some magic. Everything just feels very flat and I really want the kids to have a good time.
I’m so sorry that they think you’ll have a court trial to face. That must be awful and I don’t know how I’d manage the feelings of anger. Steve’s investigation has taken a different turn in that they think he had a cardiac event that may have led to the accident. This was a total shock and contrary to the original information I was given by the coroner. I am consumed by guilt that I could have done something to prevent this from happening but it has also led to further worries -he was so fit, healthy and young that they think it might be a hereditary thing which obviously has implications for our kids. I agree with you that the wait for information is so frustrating and sometimes new information actually just raises more questions.
Today has been one of my hardest yet where it’s started to sink in. I can’t see an end in sight to this pain.
Anyway, one step in front of the other is my mantra at the moment.
It really does help to know I’m not alone.
Thanks
Emma
Hi Emma 112
The Norfolk coast sounds lovely. James was from Lowestoft so Norfolk was often a place we visited. It’s beautiful there. Fingers crossed for some nice weather for you. I really hope you and your children make some precious new memories together. I can imagine it feels lonely getting ready for a holiday without him but you can do this, you’ve done the hardest part which is deciding to go away so just keep doing the next thing and before you know it you’ll be there living it.
I read something recently that said there is never a feeling of things being ‘better’ with grief. It went on to say how people living with grief, and those who manage to move forward with their life, choose to turn up for things everyday. Often things that life expects and needs us to get through. We may smile, laugh and do normal things but we are not ok, we are choosing to turn up. Going on holiday is you choosing to turn up for your children and continue to give them positive childhood memories even though you’re not ok. That makes you an incredible mum and I’m sure your husband is so proud of you right now.
Keep moving forward and I really hope you have the best time. Xx
Hi Emma just reading your post and thought of the pain we all feel and the emotions are so hard to bear. I lost my wife nearly six months ago and it still hurts so much. Life becomes very different and its hard to see a future in anything i know. I try to find comfort in my spiritual beliefs and that my wife is no longer suffering and with her mother who she missed so much. Also that she can now see as she was totaly blind. I have also been comforted with books on the after life i have researched
I reccomend Life after Life by Raymond Moody and his other titles. Everyone has there own beliefs and i know there so much 9sceptical people and fraudsters out there but doesnt mean that all is false. Takecare.,x
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Thanks Six, I am currently reading Life after Life and finding it of some comfort.
Emma
Thanks Lia 40 for such a thoughtful message.
I’ve had a really hard week. Going on holiday without Steve took me totally out of my comfort zone and I hadn’t anticipated how being surrounded by happy families would make me feel. I just kept looking at other couples and thinking that should be me laughing and having fun. I felt so trapped and panicked that I can’t get back to where I’m supposed to be. It’s now just over three months since he died and each day it gets a little more real and that fills me with fear.
What going away did show me is the amount of comfort that being in our house gives me. I’m proud that I went and that I tried my best to give the kids a break but I need a little recovery time after pushing myself so hard.
How are things with you?
Emma x