Since my husband died, my heart closed.
I know life is a gift but I don’t want it.
Years later, I have tried everything but nothing works.
I have to say this to some one, but I do not want this life any more. i do not self harm, I am not suicidal because I am too afraid of physical pain and eternal damnation. So I will not actually do anything drastic.
It’s just I don’t care, I am numb. I feel the best of my life is behind me and it’s not coming back. Nor can anyone else compare.
He was my soulmate, my one great love.
The moment I die will be such a relief, I look forward to it. I just want to be with him.
These things cannot be said to just anyone. People get all silly and patronising. They think they must DO something. But there is nothing to be done. Just a listening ear is necessary and that is almost impossible, to find a calm, wise and non-judgmental soul who just listens
Just someone who accepts what I say is as it is. What is so good about this world anyway? Not much as far as I can see.
You have put into words exactly as I feel . I am just plodding along daily eating for the day I am reunited with my one and only true love . I ask my hubby every night to come and get me but I’m finally realising it’s not up to him or he would of come for me the first time I asked him. So I will just have to wait till it’s my turn . I pray for an illness which I would refuse treatment and just let it take its course . I have family and feel terrible about leaving them but I know they have a life to live without worrying about me . I haven’t told them how I feel I just put an act on Infront of them. But when I am gone they will read my diary I write to hubby every night and know that I am happy to be with my hubby for eternity . So sorry for your loss x
Oh wow, I feel so the same! If I get a serious illness I certainly will not fight for life. I have seen so much adversity so why would I want more? It is a relief to know I am not the only one who feels like this. It actually feels like freedom to not care any more.
No doubt many unbereaved people would say all this is unhealthy but they don’t know how it feels.
As I said I would never harm myself but I won’t fight if my body decides to shut down.
It will be six months tomorrow since my best friend soulmate husband died. I honestly don’t know how I am still here . We had been together from 16 year old married for 39 years . He was only 59 when he died . We thought we were going to grow old together. He is all I knew in my adult life . I miss him and love him so so much. Thank you for replying to me x
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for writing this post, it describes exactly how I feel, most of you on here seem to have had many happy years with you soulmate.
It took me 50 years to find mine and we were blissfully happy, looking forward to growing old together,and getting married but we only got 5 years and it breaks my heart, I never knew this sort of happiness existed until I met Pete.
He was very cruelly and suddenly snatched away from me at 59 in November 2021.
I hate my life without him and I could never hurt my family by checking out early but life is such a struggle and my broken heart hurts so much and I just want to be back with the love of my life. So dying holds no fear for me.
I have mentioned this to someone before and they got annoyed with me, that’s why it’s so good to have this forum because so much stuff goes through your head and you fear telling anyone.
Although I have beautiful memories, I feel completely robbed.
Muldool
I completely understand your feelings Rachel. despite all the positive input from friends and “professionals”, I like you feel the future has nothing to offer as the best has past with all those wonderful years with my beautiful wife. I feel I’m fooling myself to comply with their thinking that “There will be better days” and such like, it’s simply not true. How on earth can anything ever compare with the life I once had, so I too think death will bring the only resolution. It is so awful to realise that one’s life has come to this and the best is gone forever.
The truth is, I am now going through the second anniversaries and I feel no different from the day I lost her.
I too would not accept treatment for a terminal illness, it’s so incredible to hear others say that as nobody else would understand. Thank you so much for posting your feeling as it is so significant to know others think the same and I am not abnormal.
I joined Dignitas shortly after my wife died in the hope they could help at some point, but as I do not suffer from a terminal illness I think it is unlikely they will agree to an assisted suicide. I will try. I too would not want to do any self-harm
To read your messages on here is I all how I feel we all feel the same people just think it is selfish to feel this way but they don’t have the pain like we do I would not self harm either as I could not bring more pain for my family it’s been 10 months and is worse for me copping with this new life with out my husband I you I have been with him all my adult life 46 yrs I don’t want to carry on with out him and yes this forum is only place we can say how we really feel like you all I ask my husband to come get me I had covid and thought can I come now but it was not bad I will not go into hospital for any treatment either like lit you said same I may have a fight with my adult kids we will see when time come life is horrible without him never known such pain I lived him so very much half a person now lost the best half I wake early a think another day to plod through friends give up and some family every thing is an effort jobs around house pile up garden needs sorting all alone what point always thought we would get old together we was enjoying life looking forward to getting out pension all robbed
Thinking of you all sorry for all your loss xx
I so agree with all your comments. My beautiful Wife passed 2 years, 5 months and 11 days ago… but who’s counting ! She was just 59 and we were together 40 years. I was a widower at 58 and actually tried several times to kill myself with tablets and
drink .It was not a cry for help … I wanted to be with the love of my life. My last attempt was 18 months ago and i will not put my Mum and friends through it again. However, as mentioned by other people on here, I would not fight any illness with treatment. My heart goes out to you all as only the bereaved of the love of your life understand the sorrow and pain. It is without doubt the hardest thing you will ever experience in life and I will never be happy until I am with my beautiful Wife. Take care and try to enjoy the good moments you experience as we all need respite from this hell we now live in xx
It’s heartbreaking so many of us having to struggle without our loved ones every day what is the point there is no future without my husband every day I feel like I’m being tortured
All our plans gone, after 25 weeks I feel worse than ever never been on my own before we were married nearly 52yrs I’m really not coping
Hi ,I can connect with what you are all saying,grieving a partner is beyond awful .I try & think about the ‘good ‘things that I still have which help to sustain me when I’m sinking. Depression is a stage of grief & that’s when we’re probably at our lowest.Keeping going is a massive effort but you’re doing that so please be kind to yourself .You’re going through the toughest experience.I hope you find solace in the love that remains.Pls take care of yourselves.
Dear Rachel
I still struggle after 2 years and 8 months of grieving. Some days I just cry. I bought a little dog for company and she is sweet but I am still so very lonely and wishing it would end. The future scares me, not being able to cope on my own. There are days when I think I will go mad with the sheer pain of loss. Some of my friends say it takes years, 5 or 6 before you start to think you can manage. At the moment I am taking anti depressants, diazepam and having bereavement counselling but none of it has made much difference although my counsellor has helped. My heart goes out to you all suffering this devastating pain and I send love and comfort in these dark days. Barbara
I agree with everything you say. I lost my hubby 5 months ago. Every day is agony. I don’t want to live but to end my life would be such an insult to all the friends who have supported me. I have little in the way of family. My adopted son who has his own demons lives 300 miles away & is seperated from the mother of his gorgeous 3 year old son. And, yes, what is so good about this world anyway?
Hi Dottyfin, I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my soulmate 18 weeks ago and like you every day is a struggle.
It really doesn’t help with all the doom and gloom going on in the world today,
I just want to be with Pete but I couldn’t put the people who have supported me through the pain I’m suffering.
The only things that keep me going are the kindness of people around me and my dogs.
I went from the happiest time of my life to the saddest in the blink of an eye.
I feel your pain and do understand what you are going through, I guess we just have to try to keep plodding on but it’s not easy.
Look after yourself
Muldool
