This might make you think on ?

As you might know, about 2 months ago I lost the only love of my life, Anne. She was 71. We were married 50yrs. From about middle age Anne developed a number of illnesses including, Reynauds Syndrome. Lupus. And later, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma cancer in 2002, just as I retired as a Met Police Officer. So all our retirement plans went down the tube. Yet whilst suffering her other life changing illnesses Anne was recently blessed by fate - or other peoples benevolent gods - pancreatic cancer from which she recently passed away. Nothing like kicking a person when their down is there? During all this time I kept myself as fit as I could. Gave up smoking and turned to vaping. Ran two London Marathons. Later took up cycling and continued to practice an ancient Chinese standing meditation technique called Zhan Zhuang. Pronounced Jan Jong. Stand like a tree. It strengthens the bones and outer body including the internal organs. I kept myself fit for my Anne so I would always be there to help her through, thick or thin. But as I stated earlier, 2 months ago I lost my Anne. So my life’s quest for health and fitness - energised through unconditional love for my darling - came to an end. As such I recently gave my bike away. I no longer feel any compulsion to practice Zhan Zhuang any more after 17yrs of weekly practice. I did all this for my Anne, but now she’s gone that American phrase comes to mind ’ Job done.’ Of course its not so clinical as that. What I’m really saying is I no longer care about my physical well-being or health in general. I’m 74. The future is very much limited and the Grim Reaper walks close behind me just waiting for a chance to take me. Well he’s welcome to call anytime. Do I join an old folks club? Sorry but bingo and a day coach trip to the coast along with the Mildreds and Cecil’s makes me cringe at the thought. So I’ve gone back to the bad old days of my youth when, before I was married, I drank as much beer as I wanted along with like minded friends and now use tobacco again - along side vaping. In other words I don’t care a fig about my health anymore although the house is kept spotless and I eat well. I’m casting my life to the four winds as I did in my youth when like so many others of my era we just lived for the moment and let the devil take the hind most. I’m as contented as I can be bearing in mind the terrible grief attacks that hit me every so often. Yet I have solid support from our two kids and a drinking pal of mine and his wife who are close neighbours across the road. Carpe diem.
Love and Light.
Geoff

Hi Geoff
Sounds like you have had a sad time with your late Anne So sorry!. You have gone through so much no wonder you are turning to the drink etc.
I know how you feel. I lost my Mike in Januara after 42 years of marriage. I felt like I didn’t want to go on but you do, I have no family at all but great friends who keep me going thank goodness. Like you the grief comes over from time to time. Sometimes I will be out and all of a sudden the tears appear.
I have sold my little house In Hampshire which should be completed soon and I am finding it so hard getting rid of all the stuff. I managed to get rid of most of Mikes clothes gold clubs etc but kept a couple of bits which I will never get rid of,
Try and be strong I know its hard as feel the same.
Take care Lv suex
.

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Geoff, your post saddens me. I can understand all you say and your reason for letting yourself go, but there’s always going to be a ‘however’. Here goes… However, if you can’t look after yourself for you then continue to do it for your lovely Anne. She’s looking down on you so do you really want her to see you returned to your old habits? I still try to look nice for my husband; I put a little makeup on my face each day. When I shop for clothes I always ask myself " would David like this? " I look in the mirror, sometimes give a little twirl even andd ask again " what d’you think David? " I recently bought some new shoes, rather elegant, knowing my husband would love them (I actually went to buy a wedding present but what the heck! ;)) What I’m trying to say Geoff, is that I look for my husband’s approval in everything I do. It’s early days for you yet and I fully understand that you’re trying to find your way but please, please Geoff, take care of yourself. Do it for your Anne. Xx

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Yes, I do agree Kate. When I feel low, as we all do at times, I ask myself ‘would she want me to feel like this’? My wife was a cheerful person and we often had a laugh even when she was ill. Now it doesn’t relieve the pain all that much, but it does stop me sinking into despair.
It’s so easy to do that and it’s no life at all. Of course, we all do it our way. It’s such a personal thing that right and wrong don’t come into it. I have said in other posts that I still see that light in the distance. I move slowly toward it but it is painful still.
Yes, Geoff’s post saddened me a little. But that’s his choice and we have no business in judging.
Take care Kate. Hugs and Blessings. XX

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Oh Geoff, please.please, please don’t give in. Not now after all you have been through. Your wife put up a fight and you must do the same. Ask yourself, what would Anne have to say to you now. You said once that her way was to ‘pick yourself up, and dust yourself down’ (I think that’s right), well now you must muster up as much strength as you can and do just that. I know it’s hard, so very hard. I felt the exactly the same as you. For ten years of our thirty together I knew that Brian was living on borrowed time and he was my life, my everything, and like you when he went I felt there was nothing for me anymore. My usefulness had come to an end.To be honest I still do at times. I loved fitness and sport, went to the gym, running, yoga, working on our allotment but when Brian died I couldn’t do any of it. Eating healthily had been important to me. I didn’t turn to drink but I did devour the fizzy pop and rubbish food. Then I had a health scare, something I had never had and realised that I didn’t want my life to come to an end. I went back to the gym and forced myself to get stuck in again. I went back to the healthy food and feel better for it both mentally and physically
I too cringe at the thought of the Old folks club and have no intention of joining in a sing song, as for the Bingo (can’t stand it). There must be something out there for the likes of us and I intend to find it.
Life has dealt you a bitter blow and you have done Anne proud. So please don’t let her down now.
Love to you Geoff

Pat xxx

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Thanks everyone for your kind words of encouragement.
Just to clarify. I’m no where near becoming an alcoholic. I drink normal strength beer, but unlike the good times when Anne was with me, I no longer stick to a few pints every other day. I just drink cans of beer when I feel like it - but not if I’m driving ! I really can’t see myself going down the fitness path again. The will power and motivation has totally gone. I’ve tried Zhang Zhuang a few times but it just seems pointless whilst I’m practicing and I’m glad when its all over. I’m not depressed in clinical terms, I’ve just got back from a successful afternoons fishing trip and I’m just relaxing with a few cans whilst writing this. I just guess my life style has changed in many ways from what it was when Anne was by my side. Please don’t think that because I’m now friends with the Grim Reaper I’m suicidal - far from it. I’m just ready to go and ASAP. I don’t fear death as I know a few things, but I’m very selective about the company Im in before I talk about it. ( No offence intended. Honestly! ) Finally there’s no ‘Bucket List.’ Ive been everywhere and done everything I’ve ever wanted to during my life. Its just Im no longer a complete person anymore. So like all of us I just plod on from day to day and see what comes my way.
Love and Light.
Geoff xx

Hi Geoff
The circumstances of our losses are different but my loss has had the same effect on me, as your loss has had on you.
After years of walking, swimming, Pilates and healthy eating I no longer care what happens to me and my health.
We kept fit expecting to have a long and happy retirement after years of hard work.
What a sick joke, we had no time at all.
Why would I want years of this suffering? I know I wouldn’t want him to go through this last 18 months and I know he wouldn’t want me to either. I’ m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. Jx

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Geoff - I think that all is happening is that you are grieving and lost the purpose of life . I also don’t know which direction to take my life and I need to give value to my life without Jack. How to do it I don’t know !!

I also still do get dressed nicely, go to the gym, make up , etc etc those things help me - Jack wouldn’t like me to let go - and I am sure your Anne would be cross with you . Exercise increases your endomorphines - will help you to feel better

Without going back to the drink discussion, have you been aware that you bring the subject of alcohol more than anyone else ?
Take care
Safie x

Hi Dalejackie
I think I can understand where you are coming from. And It is comforting to know that I’m not the only one that has stopped the enthusiasm for keeping fit in its various guises. And to look into this subject even further, although exercise, Yoga, Pilates, etc makes us feel good at the time, there is no evidence that anyone will live longer or avoid such diseases as cancer by indulging in them. Same goes for so called healthy eating. ( All food is healthy if taken in moderation. Yes. Even fatty bacon and chips. The only food that’s unhealthy is poison.) My doctor once said to me when I smoked nothing but tobacco " Do you know that smoking takes 10yrs off your life? " So I asked him “Just what age will I be when I die if I do stop smoking?” He said “Well no one can answer that question.” My final reply was “Then how do you know that smoking will take 10yrs off my life?” He promptly changed the subject. As Spock said. Live long and prosper.
Love and Light
Geoff.

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Sorry all, can’t agree. Brian and I proved that a good diet and exercise CAN improve and extend life. Brian was diagnosed in 2008 with C and given months to live with no treatment to be offered. It had spread too far. He was desperately ill after 3 ops in four months and so thin. We started a regime of Natural Therapy and much to the Doctors surprise he got well and lived for another ten years, two months and most of that with a excellent quality of life. I was told it was a miracle, but it wasn’t we just tried to be responsible for our own health. I did spend hours studying the subject and changing diet etc. making contact with experts. We was keen walkers, cyclist and Rockclimbers. I even dragged him to the Gym with me, kicking and screaming. We grew our own organic Veg and fruit. Poor Brian was convinced I was trying to kill him off at first, as I took out certain foods from the diet and increased other foods, vitamins etc.
Just after I lost Brian I was taken ill and found myself in hospital having heart surgery. I have NEVER been ill in my life, or even had an hospital appointment or taken medication but I did know that this problem is genetic and the curse of our family but thought I would get away with it. Like you I thought what was the point. Brian was dead and I was in hospital. My father was a professional sportsman and died in his forties. I lost all faith in healthy lifestyle and thought I might as well have lived on Fish and chips (which I love) and been thirty stone. My consultant told me that without a doubt if I hadn’t have been so healthy I would have died or been in hospital 20 years ago and would not have been getting treatment so fast (others wait months, I have since found) and my husband wouldn’t have had those extra ten years of quality life
I asked Doctors for help originally but one confessed that he knew nothing about diet or healthy lifestyle, another said "How did I know it would work, I told him “How did he know it wouldn’t if he had never tried”. And another told me that “He was sure I would find a way to keep Brian alive.”.
So please lovely people don’t throw in the towel. Look after yourselves after all who want’s to be in the hands of the NHS…
Take care Pat xx

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Pat, you are an absolute treasure. Your husband was a very lucky man to have you as his wife. So much effort you put in to keep your man alive and it sounds like it paid off. I am definitely listening to you :)) - not that I’m throwing in the towel anyway. I’m still breathing so I’m living therefore I will live. I will live for me and my husband and I aim to do him proud. Good on you Pat, the voice of reason. Much love xx

Thanks Kate, we are usually on the same wavelength. I’m sure we all feel like giving in at some time or other, it just get’s such hard work. I had a day last week where I didn’t want to bother with life anymore but it soon passed and my dogs had other idea’s for me anyway. Yes I have promised Brian that he will always be my reason for living and I will learn to live through, and with grief but I won’t let it beat me… I lost any interest in looking after myself, didn’t care anymore but now back on track. Four hours walking today, creaky bones but well worth it.

Love to you

Pat

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Geoff you sound like you are going through what my Dad is going through, we lost my Mum in May to kidney cancer she was 74. It’s been horrendous for us all, and my Dad has started drinking cans of beer after being teetotal for years. He says he has nothing to live for with out my Mum. Although he can be slightly distracted for short times being with my brother and myself and his Grandchildren, he is distraught when he returns to his empty house, full of memories of my Mum. Every time I go he makes a point of showing me where the will is , just in case. I know he too has no desire to live anymore. I can totally relate to what you are saying through going through this with my Dad. I’m sure your children are feeling upset and concerned for you, as well as greiving themselves like I am.

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Hi Nicola
I can so relate to your dear Dad, I really can. I’ve had my Will checked out by our Solicitor and its all still valid despite the loss of my Anne. I’ve told my daughter this and also mentioned my Living Will. Although a Living Will is not endorsed by law it gives family and the medical profession serious guidlines as to what the person wants. In my case a DNR.Do Not Resusitate.I also wear a bracelet and neck pendant to this effect. And if through illness, accident, a coma or old age I’m not able to feed, clothe and look after myself and I cant communicate my wishes I want to be left to die as nature intended. All meds and food withdrawn or life support turned off.All I ask is basic palliative care from any pain.I’ve given a signed copy to my doctor and told my kids where to find my copy and and my Will in the safe. And I’m about to give Power of Atterney to my daughter in respect of my possessions, money and my health and welfare. So Ive made it all as eady as I can for them when Im gone. Our children don’t worry about me as I always hide the real pain I often experience from them. And as they too like a tipple or two they see my love of beer as totally OK. Im an example of a typical ‘bloke’.Just for the record non of us are alcoholics and never will be. We just enjoy a drink. So Im now ready to meet the Grim Reaper anytime he wishes to call -which I hope is very soon because like your dear Dad I’ve now got nothing to live for. The children might want me but they don’t need me.
Love and Light.
Geoff.

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Geoff Geoff you are always bringing alcohol as a subject!!!

Sadsadie
Drinking beer was mentioned in complete context as part of a much larger topic first instigated by Nicola1969 post concerning her father drinking cans of beer following a bereavement - AS YOU WELL KNOW! A post that was directed to her and not to you. Just what is your problem Sadsadie? Are you having personal issues with drink? If so there must be plenty of help lines you can address.
Love and Light.
Geoff.

No need for aggression. This is an open forum where people can talk any time - if you want a private conversation just have one
I am not the one that talk about alcohol/alcoholism- you have had arguments about it
If you drink or don’t I basically don’t care - I was just pointing out that this subject comes too often in your posts
Enjoy your afternoon
Sadie

Hi Nicola,

Yes , like Geoff I can relate to how your dad is feeling.
However much he loves you, your brother and grandchildren nothing can fill the gap.left by the loss of a longterm partner, the person he’d normally turn to has gone.
I have a lovely brother and 2 sisters who want to help me but being separated from my partner who has shared my entire adult life is a daily torture.
At times the distress is unbearable.
If a few drinks takes the edge off it, I can see nothing wrong with that.
(As long as you don’t plan to drive of course ! )
It’s good that Geoff’s posts have helped you understand how your dad feels.
It must be hard for you and your brother to see while you’re grieving as well but it helps your dad keep going.
Take care of yourself as well as your father. Jx

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Thanks Geoff I totally understand it’s just an awful situation, life is hard. It’s not until you lose a loved one you realise how hard it is.

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Thanks for your reply, it is good for me to know it’s " normal and ecpected’ how my Dad is feeling.

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