I just wanted to write tonight to get a few things off my chest and to see if anyone else has experienced similar thoughts and attitudes towards the funeral of their loved one who has passed on.
I find this platform a very good place to express how im feeling without worrying too much about what others will think of my beliefs and thought processes, so here goes …
It is nearly 4 weeks since my Mum passed. In some ways it seems longer. We have not yet had the funeral, it is due towards the end of this month and i will be very honest - i am dreading it.
That seems like an odd thing to say i suppose - i mean who looks forward to a funeral!? But its not because im not accepting of what has happened, or im burying my head in the sand, or im not emotionally processing what is going on - none of that. Its because i have ‘moved on to the next level’ of understanding. Now ive put part of that in inverted commas or quotation marks for a reason - to draw your attention to it.
First of all, i acknowledge that everyone has different views and beliefs and i am not wanting to offend or challenge anyone elses, i am simply venting and hoping someone will read this and think ‘Yes!’ So i will get straight to explaining what i mean by moving to the next level and i’ll start by repeating something i said to my friend the other day:
[About the funeral] - ‘i feel like i will be leaving my mum at home, whilst i go and say goodbye to her body’. Now read that again.
Yes. Thats where im at with regards to life, death, after life etc, and this links to what i was saying about moving on to the next level. What i mean is, i feel as though i have moved on to the next level of understanding, and that Mums body is just that. Its not her - shes no longer there. Her spirit, her memory. her love is with me. Whatever remains physically are the remnants of when she was in her physical forml, which she no longer is. And that brings me on to the next level - knowing my Mum in spirit.
Please if you strongly disagree with my thoughts, thats ok but dont feel the need to challenge them. I am reaching out to those who may share a common experience or belief.
Your post has given me food for thought, because I feel a lot like you. My beloved husband died last year and the whole family were, and still are devastated. I was tempted to give up but my lovely husband would have hated that and it would have been horrendous for my children and grandchildren. After about a year of just mooching about, I realised that I needed to try to get on with my life, and as part of that, I am in the process of buying a lovely apartment overlooking the sea. I don’t feel bad about this because, for one thing, we had never planned to stay in this house for ever, so I don’t feel he would hate me leaving it. The other reason is that, like you, I have never thought that my husband is gone, even though he was cremated and his ashes were buried with his Gran.
I have always had this strong feeling that he is now part of me, so wherever I go, he will come too. I have had no signs to corroborate this, it is just my belief. Whether it is true or not, it brings me comfort.
I wish you all the best for the future. AnnR
I lost my boyfriend three days ago and I am dreading the funeral too. But I am because I’m scared my pain will double., I’m in agony now. I don’t want to see his body go into the ground. I cabt think straight and I can’t sleep. I’m sending all of my love to you
I am so sorry that you lost your boyfriend, losing someone you love is the worst thing in the world. As for the funeral, like you, I was absolutely dreading it and got in quite a state. On the actual day, a strange calm came over me and the whole day, I felt as though I was watching everything that was going on, but not actually there, if you know what I mean. It’s hard to explain, but I think what I am trying to say is that the actual funeral is easier than the dread of it. It’s painful, of course, but you will get through it.
My thoughts are with you. Hugs, AnnR x
Hi Evans2021, everyone has different beliefs but mine happen to be the same as yours. Because of lockdown I couldn’t have the funeral that Vic wanted, a quiet, green funeral where all of his friends could attend in a peaceful wood. That was going to be for the benefit of friends and family because he had already gone to spirit. Because that couldn’t happen I arranged a simple cremation. I and the family said goodbye when the hearse came. We were together as a family just as we would have been at a traditional funeral. Vic’s ashes were returned home and I shall be taking them to Greece where we lived for many years. Again it is symbolic and will allow our friends there to say their farewells. Everyone has to travel this journey in their own way and in their own time. No way is right or wrong.
When I read your post saying that your boyfriend’s death was accidental, I was relieved. How much worse it would have been if he had wanted to leave you. You can take some comfort in that.
Life today is complicated, frightening and confusing and no-one can be blamed for having demons.
Remember the good times, enjoy your children and make the most of the life you have now.
That’s what I’m trying to do after the death of my husband last year. I adored him and it’s hard, almost impossible sometimes, but what is the alternative when children are involved?
Good luck, stay strong. Hugs, Ann
Yes there is no other way . If I didn’t have family that love me I think I’d want to join him. But I can’t let my kids or loved ones feel this pain. I just can’t . I just don’t know what to do with myself x
Hang in there, sweetheart. I am 14 months in and, even though it still hurts like the worst hell on earth, I am managing to keep going. It will never be the same but it is all we have. I am just about managing to be interested in things again, even if it’s not like before. I think we have to accept this completely different and alien life. That is what my husband (and I am sue, your fiancé would want for us. Hugs x
I lost my dad on 24th August, we aren’t having his funeral until 23rd September and I too believe that his body is just literally that!
I believe he’s off onto better things so I can 100% see where you’re coming from.
Can totaly understand where you are. When my wife died 4 years ago we talked about her funeral as we knew it was terminal. Now we’re not religious, well I’m a wee bit June not really, The one thing she did not want was people turning up in black or their Sunday best. She wanted them there in “normal” clothes ie jeans and t-shirt or whatever you felt relaxed in and that’s how people turned up on the day. Plus we’re into more rock music so that was what was played at her funeral, 3 tracks that meant so much to us. In all honesty think people felt better as they were there to celebrate her life and all she brought to it.
As you say the vessal is gone but hte spirit is there. I still talk to my wife, just every now and again. Give me peace and I’m not harming anybody and that’s all we can ask for.
Take care Ken
My boyfriend died 2 months ago and I was in the exact same place you are now, not sleeping and dreading seeing him go into the ground. I’m hoping you have support and someone who understands to help you at the funeral. Fortunately for me I had my boyfriends best friend who was lovely and reassured me that my boyfriend loved me and it was reassuring for me to find out that my boyfriend had shared our plans for the future with his best friend. It’s not going to be pleasant at the funeral but you may surprise yourself with how strong you are. Thinking of you and sending strength your way. I’m 2 months on now and whereas I was out of my mind at first I’ve now calmed down and come to a place of acceptance. It’s still painful and will be but I’m sleeping a bit better and my appetite is slowly coming back. Xxx
I think that’s a lovely way of putting it, It will help me thinking like that. My brothers funeral is on the 20th of Sept the day before my birthday. Dreading it mostly because I just don’t want to see anyone
I’m really sorry to read about your Brother and that you feel like joining him. I just wanted to reach out to reassure you, you are not alone - there is lots of help and support available should you feel you able to talk to someone about how you are feeling.
Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence - you can call them on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans if you’d prefer to write things down.
Similarly, Shout are also contactable 24/7 but this time by text - all you need to do is text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
You might also find this article on our website helpful.
It sounds as though the next week is a big one for you with the funeral and your birthday so please take care of yourself, take one step at a time (even if they are baby steps) and keep on reaching out.
Absolutely, i agree. We are doing no harm in talking to our loved ones - i speak to my Mum most days when im on my own, at home or driving in the car. We chatted a lot about the every day things when she was still with us, and i dont see any harm in chatting to her about my day now that shes gone (in body but not in spirit.)
It keeps them close and i truly believe they are aware of our words and our actions.
I hope the funeral went ok? How are you doing? By the way, happy birthday for yesterday!
I have my Mum’s funeral this Friday - i am dreading it. Dreading the sad bits, the eulogy (which i wrote but still it will be surreal hearing it read out in front of everyone there), also the sad hymns and songs which i know will have me in floods of tears.
I am struggling with the idea of not doing the graveside bit - i want to do it, but i feel so hurt by the thought of seeing the coffin being lowered. I know i can do the service in the church, with tears, but im not sure i can force myself to stand at the graveside.