Time heals…that’s what everyone who hasn’t been here says. Well…it does. I have learned how to negotiate life. I can cook (always did anyway)…I can now work the washing machine…I keep the house as clean as I can…her garden still survives, but that’s more by chance than my efforts. But what time doesn’t do …is make my longing and heart ache better…in fact, time makes it worse. So…if anybody ever says that ’ time heals’ …well, I leave your response to you…I used to love life and live…I now I exist…time drags…it doesn’t heal…
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…then…we must agree to disagree…I’m glad you have learned to understand and accept what has happend❣️
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Thankyou @LynT for your wise words.
I am thinking you are a bit further on from your loss than I am, and hoping that I can get to where you are some time in the future.
I am bereft from losing my husband at an age I never expected ( he 56, me 52) and the pain and despair is so much more severe than I thought possible and I often feel like I would rather not be here.
But I love my 4 kids more than life itself and would do anything for them - and I know I am the thing that’s holding them together and propping them up at the moment.
So I must continued to be here for them.
I feel I am luckier than many - my kids are amazing, I am financially stable so don’t have to return to work if I don’t want to, and I have a few really good friends who keep me going and are my lifeline.
Sadly, my family are not adequately equipped to support me - and many friends and my husbands sisters have all taken a step back, so they can “let me grieve “
What a cop-out !
Life is rough at the moment and I’ve spent much of the day searching for some hope that things will get better. That’s all I need - something to believe in.
You have given me that - thankyou.
I hope I will sleep easier tonight with some comfort.
Take care and I’m so sorry you have found yourself on this forum too. Xxx
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I am 56 and I lost my husband suddenly in April, and I have just put a post out “is time the greatest healer “? As ok I don’t feel as shit as those early weeks , but in a nut shell it’s still “shit “ and I am saying so if time is the greatest healer ? How much time ? I know we are all different , but unless my husband walks through the door ,( I have accepted he won’t ) so on that view it will be shit for the rest of my life , maybe not as shit as time goes on ! But still shit !!
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I’m 4 years 7 months on. The way I describe it is time doesn’t necessarily heal, it creates a sticking plaster a barrier from the extreme pain of the earlier years. I actually found the second year tougher than the first as others around you have tended to move on with their lives. Our lives are the only ones that really changed, our future ended as it was. I have learned to live a life on my own but I am doing it for him, I’m taking him with me, living his future as well. That’s the only way I can move forward. It’s just been our grandson’s 2nd birthday & he’s never met his grandad Derek, that hurts me deeply but I’ve learned to hide my feelings, that’s what time does, helps you find a way through life without them. I still have bad days usually after a weekend like this I’ll crash, but I’ll get through because Derek will help me.
Love & strength 
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I have to believe that time heals. I was widowed once before, when I was 48. Time healed me to some extent that time and I hope it will again.
It took a while, I realised that it was sink or swim if I was going to be able to make a life for myself and my children.
Eventually I made friends with a widows group and met the wonderful man who was to become my second husband, five years after my first husband died. Sadly, he also died suddenly 9 weeks ago. So, now I am devastated all over again. I have to admit that it seems worse this time, I don’t know why. But I do know that I survived this once and I will do so again,
The raw agony diminishes slowly, or maybe you just get used to it.
Good friends remain if you are lucky. Interestingly, one of them told me that in the early days of my first loss, they found it very hard to witness my pain and almost dreaded seeing me. That has been a lesson this time - people can sympathy fatigue after a while.
Everyone is different, circumstances vary, but millions of people have been widowed and managed to survive. We have to do the same, there is no choice.
I have kept in touch with some of my widowed friends from 20 years ago. About half have married again, but every one of them has forged a life that they are content with.
I will settle for that, I am a long way off yet, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life as miserable as I am now. I have to believe that things will get better, they did the last time.
Hugs to everyone hurting. Xx
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@Jane15 i think I’m where you are. I lost my husband in late March. He was taken too early by cancer and while I agree that I’m not so much of a wreck as I was in those early days - well not on the outside anyway, I know life will never be right without him so I’m focussed on my children for now and letting my head settle with only the occasional outburst.
I am reading It’s Okay not to be Okay by Megan Devine and finding parts of that helpful.
I do know some bereaved people who are a few years on snd seem to be enjoying life again but it seems an impossible jump to me from where I am now.
I hope time does heal. Hugs to you all xx
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Thanks @Willow112 for sharing your insight here, even while you are in the depth of sadness and despair.
I also need to believe that time will heal - I just feel like I have lost a bit of hope at the moment as the pain and anguish feels so much
I know that I also need to put some effort in to start to build a new life - I’m not sure what that will be like and at the moment I am needing to be here for my youngest daughter, but when she leaves home in a couple of years for uni I hope I will be in a better place to start and live for myself.
And I hope it will be something that I can feel is ok. Xx
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I lost my beautiful wife to Secondary Breast cancer in March after she battled it for 6 years. I miss her and talk to her every day.
I have started a sort of relationship with her best friend. I’ve known her for near on 50 years as we were all friends together. Her husband passed just over two years ago and we share many great memories of holidays etc.
I’m not sure of my feelings at the moment because part of me says it’s too soon but the other part says life is too short.
We talk about our lost partners all the time so it’s not really a new relationship but it’s changed from what it used to be.
I’m really not sure how I feel other than I love and miss my wife.
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I feel as you do. Everyone said the same to me 21 months ago. I exist now. I go out, meet friends, joined groups and have even booked a solo holiday in September, but I dont enjoy anything, just do it as hate being on my own. I Have days where I am in all day and night like today as nothing planned and still miss John so much and the things we did together.
I dont think it gets any easier but if I cry now it doesnt last all day. I suppose that is a positive note.
We as human beings need partners to share things with. I am sorry Lyn but if you loved doing the things with a person you have known for 40 yrs then moving on seems impossible for most of us.
You have far more strength and belief than many of us.
I have tried every day, life goes on but I always hope it will get better as I am a positive person.
Love to you all and thinking of you
Shelley xx
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Hi Jonah,
Only you know when you are ready, and what you are ready for. I have been widowed twice, the first time was 20 years ago. I met my second husband through a widow support group, his first wife had died of bowel cancer. We were friends to begin with, talking about our respective spouses. Gradually we fell in love and eventually got married.
Sadly, he died 9 weeks ago. I am so glad that we met and shared a wonderful 16 years together.
Good luck xx
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I’ve got this poem on my wall and I read it every time I walk pass it - so beautifully written 
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I was worried about marrying for a second time. Would people think it was wrong? Would it look like I hadn’t loved my first husband enough? Should I spend the rest of my life sad and lonely as a testament to our love? I was 48 when he died.
My sister said if there is an afterlife, do you think Richard will say “Well done for being the most miserable widow in the world”. She went on to say that he would be pleased that I had made a good life for myself and our children.
She was right, and that is exactly what I did. Needless to say, it didn’t last as long as we wanted.
What I am trying to say is that if happiness comes your way in whatever form, grab it with both hands. We only come this way once. Moving on, moving forward, these are just words. We all know in our hearts how much we loved our partners and what losing them feels like. There is no rule book, no brownie points for being strong, or for being sad.
Whatever our recovery comprises it has to come from within. Nobody can force you to heal or feel better, you have to want to. And if you don’t want to, that’s okay too. Xx
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For me, hope and positivity is always very welcome. I don’t want to remain this desolate and it gives me hope every time I read a positive post. Xx
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I agree with you Unity Man. I don’t believe that time heals. I think we learn how to cope a little bit better with the everyday things in life. I am not coping with the loss of my husband, I miss him more every day. We were together for over 38 years and he passed 9 months ago and I am definitely not healing. I think in time we may acquire better coping mechanisms but it does not heal the loss we are trying to come to terms with and it never will. Like you I don’t live anymore, I just exist and I am broken not healing. 
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Hi Unityman
I totally agree with what you say it has become an existence!
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Thank you LynT. Personally I have to believe there are things that can get more bearable with time. And that there are little nuggets of good in life that can be found if you look hard enough. That’s not to say the huge shock to the system you experience when you lose a long term partner that you loved doesn’t hurt. It hurts like hell. And that pain and loss will always be part of you. You will never be quite the same again. But there are moments when the hurt is not so raw and when some sense of purpose can be clawed back. I give thanks for the tiny kindnesses received from unexpected sources, from not close but understanding friends, from the postman, today from our long-standing heating engineer who asked after my husband then took the time to listen to me and to sympathise when I wept.
Take care all.
Xx
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Time doesn’t heal. It merely helps you deal with things. The wound may heal, but the scar remains, and always will. That scar is a constant reminder of what you have lost. You can move on with life, you have to. But you never truly heal.
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When I go to bed at night I still try to do what I have always done. I think of three good things that happened that day. Sometimes it is things like I drove to the shop on my own, which is something I hadn’t done for 15 years, because he did the driving. It might be that a friend came for lunch, and stayed for tea as well. A distant relative that I hadn’t seen for years came and mended my filing cabinet so I could access documents I needed. Or just that I got through a few hours without crying.
Anything to feel grateful for. It makes me feel calmer than the dark thoughts I would have otherwise. I am just so weary of feeling that life isn’t worth the effort. I feel better if I look for the little triumphs and stick my fingers up to the grim reaper.
Xx
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Hello well you are so right i totally agree 
I lost my amazing husband suddenly & tragically 22 months ago he was & is the love of my life we were together age 16 & married at 20 a total of 61 yrs
Same as you for me time will never heal this heartache
What is helping me my DR Drew 5 circles he called the Tonkin 5 circles of grief he coloured each one in black making the 1st circle all covered as that is the grief each one he made less black & the white area around was how we manage to find ourselves doing things each day till the last circle was mostly white but in the centre the shade of black is still our grief which will always be there & overwhelms every now & again try & look Tonkin up the read might help you it has me
But a quote I also read was the deeper the love the longer the bereavement so it sounds like we have a long journey which i believe mine will be forever
We have a beautiful daughter age 52 & an amazing son 49 who are extremely close to me as always have been
I hope I may of brought you some comfort sharing how I feel too
Also look for a song called Without you by Tanya Tucker I found the link last year on Sue Ryder it’s a very sad song but so true
I feel you will listen to it a few times 
Ann 111
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