Time is a healer what absolute claptrap

Time is a healer what absolute claptrap. I’ve lost two wives to brain tumours by horrible coincidence. My first wife when she was aged 35 in 2002 and my second wife, aged 53 in 2019. I hate these expressions like “time is a great healer”, in my opinion you don’t get over grief, you learn to live alongside it, and it’s ever present like an unwanted companion. Sometimes it dominates your life, at other times it’s just there. But it’s never gone, it never heals. I compare it to having your leg cut off - does it heal? No. Does it stop you living? Not necessarily. Does it alter your life for ever? Definitely. Is it something that can heal? Don’t be ridiculous. As human beings we are experts at living with pain, - physical, emotional, social. You can become an expert at living with grief – just don’t expect to get over it.


Sorry for your double loss. You speak such true words . Unless people have experienced loss they just have no idea what the pain feels like. Im fed up with people expecting me to be jolly when all i want to do is shout from the roof tops MY HUSBAND IS DEAD i dont want to get over it as they say. I will never be the same person i was when he was here something died in me that awful day he died. I dont think i could ever be with anyone else now i cant go through this pain again. All we can hope for is to find peace and try to except the hand we have been dealt.


Completely correct. “Time is a healer” is complete rubbish and something people say to try and help when they don’t know what to say and if they haven’t lost someone that is part of them.….ridiculous!


Well totally agree how can we heal now we have lost our soul mate 20 months since my husband died suddenly I’m still learning to live with out him so painful we was married 45 years how am I supposed to want to make a new life I don’t feeling as if want to give up it’s horrible the loneliness and loss is worse than ever family and friends think you should get on with life well I don’t sorry negative this morning just needed to tell some one guess have to give it another go just wish I could be with my husband
Sending all a hug hope you find strength to deal with the day thinking of you all on this journey xx


Totally agreed. I can’t ever see myself getting over it. After 56 years together and 54 married how can anyone get over it. It is the most terrible grief and a burden to carry. My husband died 6 months ago and now I feel as if the enormous reality has hit me like a double decker bus. i want to talk about him to my sons and up to a point they let me but it upsets them a lot. My sister is hopeless; just wants to talk jolly talk and if I mention my husband and how traumatised I feel she just says “plenty of other people in the same situation and they’re not wallowing in it!” I’m not wallowing in it either …just terribly sad at losing him. She was widowed at 50 but had a young daughter to bring up and had plenty of money and was able to go out to work so it wasn’t the same. She had a purpose in life. I am 80 and it’s not the same situation. Just so miss him


Dear Pat 8

I’m so sorry your sister is not as supportive as you would like and to accuse you of wallowing in it is so cruel!

I lost Ian 20 months ago now after being together for over 40 years. It still seems as if it only happened yesterday and I’ve no idea where those 20 months have gone. I still just take each day as it comes and sleep comes as a welcome relief having to get through each day. I’m 70 and have no family or close friends nearby so will move this year.

My grief will never end as our future was taken from us within seven weeks of a cancer diagnosis. He was my best friend, confidante and the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How can one ever be expected to recover from such a loss?

It is still such early days for you and so be kind to yourself
and don’t expect too much. I was in shock for the first year/18 months and it is only now that the reality of my situation is hitting me. Everyone grieves in their own way and time, depending on their circumstances, and that is something your sister needs to realise.

Look after yourself

X Julie


Pat 8,
Totally agree with Trixie. Wallowing in it??? Wow.

This wasn’t our choice, yet we all find ourselves here, weeks, months even years later.

I remember in the immediate aftermath of losing my husband I read some posts on various websites from people years on from losing their loved ones talking about how hard it was and how grief continued to affect their lives. I thought, that won’t be me!! I am not going to let it affect my life like that!! Yet here I am almost 2 years on…some days are better than others…but ultimately we don’t have a choice in it, it hits us when we least expect it. It’s certainly not “wallowing”.

As much as our loved one would want us to get on with things the point is that we aren’t the same person without them and we can’t be. There has been a fundamental shift in our identity and existence. So, regardless of what they would want for us, they will never know the experience of the pain of losing them, the person we have become, and how we all attempt to cope with it.

So, big hugs to all of us!!!


We are not wallowing in anything, grief re-wires you brain making you gave to fight just to exist and carry on . The length and intensity may change but the fact is our world and outlook will never be the same. I an 59yrs old and get told i am still young so should be rebuilting my next chapter. Having been with my soulmate for 43yrs from 15yrs old , the first and only girl i ever wanted or needed, takes me all my effort not to give in. I have a 19mth old grandaughter who i keep thinking of her happy face, which pulls me back. I am now at the point were talking to anyone how i feel drains me, so this site is helping me though this realkh bad week phase.


I think the best one can hope for is an emotional numbness.


Good point BKDM. I was told just days after losing my husband that time would heal and as this was from someone who had a significant loss himself I believed him. Well I waited and waited for this heaing process and then realised athough we do learn to live with our loss and if were lucky we accept what we now have there has certainly never been a complete healing. I like your comparison to a broken leg so very true and it doesn’t stop you living but at what price.


Thank you to everyone who replied. I think that my sister just doesn’t know what to say so tries to cheer me up but her choice of words isn’t great. She adopted the same attitude with my mother and her attitude was with her and she often said " A young widow will never have any sympathy for an old widow." That didn’t resonate with my mother as she was just so sad and actually moved over 100 miles to live near to me and my family and we got her through her grief up to a point. I think that because my sister lost her husband earlier in life her attitude is hardened so now I just pretend that I’m OK because I can’t take barbed comments.


You are 100% right, I too cant stand it when people tell me “it will get better, it will get easier” , its hard work every single day is hard… I know I will never get over losing my partner,
Sending lots of love and heeling


Thank you everyone, so I’m not being unreasonable when I question the “ just give it time” comment. I lost my daughter in November at the age of 28 after a 4 year battle with cancer. She went in for treatment to get her into remission and it went wrong, we were given a week’s notice that we were going to lose her. It was awful. Since then I have had some great comments, people being very supportive but I get really tearful when some say “it’s early days, just give it time and it’ll get easier”. She was my little girl, a fantastic teacher, daughter, friend, young lady and taken by that thief called cancer. I’ve questioned all these comments thinking it’s me but reading comments from people who know how I’m feeling is so greatly appreciated. Thank you all x


No it dosent get easier and you can’t go back to who you were before no matter how much you wish it .My lovely Billy died in 2020 in the middle of lockdown of Brain mets from Oesphageal cancer .With the help of my amazing daughter we kept him home.I just feel broken and I wont be fixed but just keep showing up each day as best I can .Its my family Im living for they mean everything .


This is exactly how I feel.


Hi, totally agree that time is not a healer. Just have to live with what has happened is all you can do but there is a huge hole in your life where your loved one used to be and dont i know it myself x


Totally agree.
I am so glad to find people talking about this here. I find it so upsetting when people say it will get better when it doesn’t. My husband has been gone 14 months and I still cry everyday. I can live but I don’t enjoy it anymore. I may occasionally laugh at something but then I remember he’s not here to enjoy the joke and I feel sad again.
I find many people just won’t accept how I feel. They tell me not to do this or that and there is always that ‘it’s time to move on’ saying. It’s not possible to do these things. We can survive but I wish people would understand that is what we are doing and that it is a struggle. There are days when I think if this is the best it gets then I don’t want it. At other times I try to find pleasure in doing the things he did or even wearing his clothes. It doesn’t really solve the problem but I convince myself I am trying. I will never be the same again and my plans and dreams can no longer be fulfilled. I just wish I could find some peace.


no truer words spoken.
i lost my devoted husband of 30 years three years ago and the grief now is far worse now than its ever been, and the loneliness is something unimaginable. Some days i just sit and do nothing despite knowing i have things i should get done.
All the ‘friends’ who we entertained over the years have fallen by the wayside, and i cannot believe the insincerity.
Yes,the cold facts are we are totally on our own,and i know i have lost a big part of me.


Unfortunately nobody understands until they lose someone irreplacable .And of course no one can understand anothers pain fully because we are all unique human beings .I just want to talk about Billy ,all the good bits even the bad times it makes me feel connected to him .Unfortunately Society dosent give grief its proper place this isn’t something you get over , it is with you always .So keep on going everyone and lets do our grief our way .We are honouring the love and the memories of our people and there is nothing wrong with that :two_hearts:


My loss is so long ago not even counsellors allow me to talk about him. Very much the Move On instruction, everywhere I go.