To move or not to move

To move or not to move that is the question.
Seem to be getting very depressed at the moment and started to think maybe living here with my partner’s presence all around me might not be the best way to cope.
Don’t mean I ever want to forget, the memories will always be in my head but do I need visual reminders everywhere I look.
Perhaps moving to another property where everything is different might just help me move forward instead of material things being a constant reminder of what I once had.
Sorry if this is rambling but it is a huge decision as we slowly renovated this cottage together. So much hard work over many years yet now the place is empty and after all that, without him, it is just a few, very empty, stone walls.
Anyone else out there made the very hard decision to move?

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I decided to move within 6 months of my hubby dying in January
Not because of memories but more that my 3 bed semi is too big now, and if anything major Is needed in the house I don’t want to spend on it.
Also I can’t do all the minor jobs he did , although have tAught my self various tasks eg power washing the drive and patio.
He died in January this year and I will hopefully put it for sale in the Spring.My hubby’s mantra was “no I’m not throwing it away,it might come in handy”. Hence I need a skip,and my son and son in law to get their acts together and clear the garage.
The delay is probably for the best, I don’t want to move and then regret it
It is a big decision for us both , but I think after nearly 12 months Iwill be ready to move
You don’t say how long you have been alone,don’t jump in to it too soon
Kindest Regards
Maddy

Hi both, my thoughts are exactly the same as you both. Do I sell or not. I have mentioned this before but still not done anything, except chat to a local estate agent to find out the prices of properties that would be more suitable.
This house is cosy and comfortable but it is just four walls now and I get no comfort from it. I can make any house look the same after all it’s only material things. I tell myself that the love and feelings that I have are inside me and will come with me wherever I go. I have no particular attachment to this house as Brian lived here with his previous wife and seemed to have no understanding at how I felt about that. I wanted OUR house. He seemed to think because I did all the decorating and replaced most of the furniture that was enough and should have satisfied me. I don’t think men understand how women feel.
Everywhere I look there is a reminder of Brian. I’m looking at his empty chair right this moment. He knew I wanted to move and asked me not to make any quick decisions after he went. I couldn’t agree more that without him it is just an empty shell now.
My family are all for me to make a move, they say that in another house it will be mine and not a constant reminder. I will never forget him but he can be with me wherever I go, this time on my terms.
I also think the new year will be the time for me to make that decision, as usual I am dithering at the moment. Do I really want all this upheaval and strangers walking around my house.
My husband never threw anything out either, saying exactly the same. “It might come in handy one day”. I have already had a good clear out that took months and nearly there. I had charities coming and made six visits to the landfill, my poor little car.
It’s a big decision to have to make, we have to get it right.

Pat xxx

Thank you both for your replies.
It will be a year at the end of December and I didn’t wish to rush into anything and then regret it.
Think it will take me a while as my many requirements will probably test most estate agents!
I think I shall take my time and guess will know when not only it’s the right property but also the right time for me.
Shortly after my partner’s death I was approached by a number of people asking if I was considering selling. This left me distraught, not only had my wonderful partner died but my, by then, sanctuary was being coveted by others.
I was shocked by the thoughtless actions towards someone so obviously grieving.
Thank heavens for this site where everyone understands
what we are all going through.

My husband died 7 weeks ago. Already people have asked me if I was going to sell his car or move. Although my house doesn’t feel like a home to me right now I’m hoping that will change. And I dont want to sell his car. He loved it. And I also worry how horrible it would be to see it on the road driven by someone else.

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It’s really awful, I don’t understand why people do things like that.
The first approach I had was about four weeks after the funeral.
A lack of empathy.

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would of been nice to of had the choice.i would of loved to of stayed in the home I had shared with Jayne for over 20 years.The parents sold Jaynes car emptied the bank accounts and made me feel very un welcome.luckily Jayne had left me enough to offer to buy the house from her parents,but their aim in life was to make me suffer,hence they refused and eventually I had to move.Jaynes mother was a nasty specimen,whose comment when id arranged a meeting to try purchase the house,was you’ve had several weeks without having to pay rent.yes she was a caring lady[not] I moved in with my mum.and eventually found a little bungalow.Jayne would of loved it,but me on my own ive just isolated myself ,when im in I stay in my bedroom which contains all Jaynes cuddly toys and clothes ive got pictures of Jayne to.but im not a very happy man,im not lonely I just miss my soulmate Jayne.the neighbours were we used to liv e were very nice everything was easy to get to.shops dentist doctors etc etc.all was well within a few minutes walk.but most of all was the memories I had with Jayne knowing that house is no longer accessable to me as saddened me grately.if any one decides of there own free will to move make sure its the correct decision .I just wish id offered way more than market value as I so wish I was back were id been living with Jayne.
regards
ian

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Hi there I made the hard decision NOT to move my wife Jane who passed away a year ago yesterday and I bought our house 11 years ago first time buyers me 58 her 56 she was so proud of the fact it was our own home,sadly her kidney disease kept her away from home 3 days a week (dialysis) which use to make her so sad and angry.
When we bought the house we had so many great plans but due to my new business taking off at the same time they were never finished,now at the age of 70 I propose to finish those plans so we both can see what we started.
I have had ideas regarding moving everything from down sizing to mobile home on over 55s park,selling the house and buying a campervan and touring the country with my little dog,all these things I dismissed,I have everything I need right here garden for my dog ,security,not having too pay estate agent fees,the moving and disposal some of our possessions to living in a great part of East Anglia besides that I can hear Janes voice saying your not selling our house and home for those reasons.
Kinds regards to all MM69

I have been thinking about moving too. My husband died 8 weeks ago and I haven’t had a day yet when I haven’t had a cry. I went in the shed today and cried when I saw his car cleaning stuff. I can’t make up my mind either. We sold our house 2 years ago and moved into rented as we had no one to leave a property to. We decided to put the money in the bank and enjoy it ourselves. Unfortunately we didn’t get much of an opportunity. Al least I can move quickly and easily with few fees to pay so I am garteful we made that decision. However, a 3 bed detached bungalow is rather excessive for 1. I do love my garden though and I have a great landlord so that keeps me from moving. But the “village” is lacking in facilities and functions so it can be very lonely. I miss being able to go out for a walk without getting muddy shoes or being able to browse round shops or a museum etc. so I think that may sway me into finding somewhere else. I have a few friends close by and some at a drving distance and others much further away but nothing takes the place of having someone in the same room all the time. I have had to get rid of his things as they upset me whereas some people find comfort from them. I have a box of his prized possessions but I mean clothes and shoes and even the food he used to eat has all gone to charity. There is so much that reminds me of Tony and makes me just cry. I have also done a few things around the place and feel guilty that he never had the benefit of these - a new toaster, a TV for the bedroom for example. But I can’t bear to play the music we had as it just makes me so sad. I am thinking of renting a flat somewhere near a town or city to try it out but still keep the bungalow in case I don’t like it. It will cost me of course but at least I can come back here if I don’t like it. That’s my advice - don’t rush as you may regret it and you can’t get your old home back.

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I am moving over the next couple of weeks. The little house we rented in April (I lost Che in June) has too many repairs needed for me to cope with on my own, as well as other drawbacks. I live in the mountains of BC, Canada and the winters are long & cold. I was determined to stay here, but I finally had to drag “my future” questions out into the open. Hard, cold reality - do I want to stay here? would he want me to stay here? He would want me to be safe & secure and this place does not offer me that any longer. I put an ad online, and found the perfect place the same day…I can hear him saying “told you I’d do something nice for you someday” , it was our private joke…

My situation is different from many of those on this site. All I know is that it is now my responsibility to look after myself the best that I can. Many of my memories, here in this house, are painful. Our dreams never manifested. He died here and I grieved here. I know his spirit will come with me.

For those who have made a long time home, I can only imagine the courage & strength it takes to even consider the option of moving. We moved many times in our 40 years. I was once told “You carry your home within you. You only need to find a house to put it in.” - This is now my goal.

Hi Rita, that’s a good idea. Rent before making that final decision. I might well do that myself but keep my house for a few months. If I’m not happy then I can come back. I won’t rent it out but I do need to see if moving from this house will help, everywhere I look there are reminders of what we had together and now it’s just me and the dogs. I often imagine wanting to live right out away from ‘civilisation’ but we have to be realistic as we get older we need to be near amenities.

Oh dear! The more I read the more difficult the decision.
We renovated and lived in this cottage for thirty six years. Cried and laughed in equal measure over the hard work we did. Hauled large peices of oak driftwood from the beach…(how we managed I can’t even imagine now) and the list goes on.
To move forward perhaps it’s best to start again in a different location making new friends instead of staying in this private bubble of sadness and regret.
My partner will always be deep in my heart wherever I go.

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Sir, that is a lovely post. I wish you success with your plans and I applaud you for your decision. I’m sure your Jane would be pleased.

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Hi there thankyou for your kind reply l wish you well in this torment of grief and hope you find the peace you are looking for…
Kind regards MM69

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MM that is really lovely, you are going to stay in your’s and Jane’s home and you are doing it for all the right reasons. I’m sure doing your plans will bring you great comfort and you will be happy there.
I too have thought of all sorts of things just like you. A campervan was top of the list but perhaps at my age that is a bit too ambitious and having a comfortable cosy bricks and mortar, no mortgage home is a better option, I just don’t know if it is to be this house as yet. I’m dithering as usual. How I have changed.
Before Brian died he drew up plans for his allotment and I did as he wanted. I designed things, made wooden box area’s and planted veg where he wanted them to go. I found myself asking him if it was to his liking and was I doing it right. It gave me the incentive to work when I didn’t want to do anything because |i felt he was watching over me and probably having a moan at my crooked lines and the fact that I was using some of his tools and not putting them away properly. You know Jane will be looking over you as you work and this will both encourage you and give that reason to complete it
Good luck
Pat.

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It’s going to be a hard one for you. That cottage has a lot of memories but you have to decide if the memories are a source of comfort or causing you more despair. Do you feel up to moving to a new location and do you really want to make new friends.
Only you can answer these questions. I don’t think there’s any escape from the sadness and they will follow us wherever we go, but will a new house and location give us something else to focus on. Decisions, decisions at such a time. I wish a fairy would wave a wand and decide for me.

Pat xxx

morning everyone,

we moved into our home in 1972, we bought it off plan in 1971. intending to stay here for 5 years, 47 years later we’re still here, I use ‘we’re’ because Alan is all around me.

we are all different and have different feeds and ideas, for me personally, k can never contemplate moving. whilst I’m very sad Alan is no longer here in the physical he is everywhere in spirit.

our home was a new build when we bought it, everything in here is our stamp, the garden is south facing and is beautiful in the sunshine, large enough for Winston and Ada to run around and play. I’ve made it as low maintenance as possible whilst retaining a proper lawn.

the year before Alan passed, we had begun renovations to pre-empt any potential/major repairs as we got older. I am still going through our list, changing a couple of things to make it easier for me to remain here. most of the renovations have been completed, have 3 more to complete then all done. these, all being well, I hope to have completed before the second anniversary of his passing - 19th May. if they’re not completed by then, it’s no hardship, they’ll be finished when try are. not rushing into it, shall make sure any renovations are fully thought through beforehand.

move or stay is personal to each and every one of us, and feel sure you will make the decision they is right for you.

sorry, wandered off on a tangent,

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

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Hi Jen, it’s so lovely that you have found such comfort in your house. I wish I could feel as you do. I seem to be constantly searching for the right thing to do. Make a fresh start in my own home or make changes in this house as you are doing. I wish so much I could find that peace.
Brian hated change and although I tried for years to get him to sell he just couldn’t be bothered. How it caused arguments or should I say me going off on one and him just ignoring me and changing the subject. Now I am trying so hard to come to a decision. I want to do what’s right for us both now. I have tried to get some idea at the price of something that would suit me but that’s as far as I have gone.

All the best to you and your plans for your house, how I envy you.

Pat

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My homes is my stability. It going to years before I make any decision regarding moving. Yes, there are memories everywhere, but if I feel it’s overwhelming I’ll try a holiday sometime down the line to see if somewhere else helps at all. I think there just need to be a period of adjustment. Both grief and moving house are terrible stresses.

You have all given me so much to think about with your different opinions, views, on moving or not moving.
I am very fortunate to have a
small, cosy cottage with good neighbours.
Now I shall paint rooms in the colours I like and take delight in my partners skilled work mixed with a new twist.
My family are only forty minutes away, not the other side of the country.
Yes I may move eventually but at the moment no.
There is not a rush to put myself in another stressful situation.
Grief is enough stress at the moment without adding to it.
Thank you all so much for your different points of view it is always good to see things from a different viewpoint.