I’m the same I cry every day and wonder how many tears I have left.
I go shopping and I think he would of liked that or he would of bought me that.
Now summers coming I dread it, I heard all my neighbours laughing and having fun and I felt so lost sitting indoors and I keep saying to myself this time last year we were happy, laughing and looking forward to our future.
Now I’m so lonely, the days drag, everything is boring, I don’t know what to do with myself.
My head has him on my mind 24/7, nothing distracts me from thinking about him. I feel like I am mad in the head, does anyone else feel like this and I panic too and have to do breathing exercises.
I read everyone’s post and it’s so upsetting that we are all in so much pain.
I’ve read books on grief, they say time heals, I can’t see it though, especially as everyone on here has so much love for the one they loss, I really hear the pain we all have, how heartbroken we are.
Amy x
Sad2
Amy49 I am totally the same . I too am filled with dread of the summer looming , knowing everyone else seems to be happy . I look longingly at couples who don’t seem to have any cares and think that used to be me. Like you he’s in my head 24/7 and I’m tormented constantly thinking of what we’d normally be doing , I can’t switch off . There’s not a day goes by when I don’t cry . The life I had has died with him and all I can see ahead is emptiness and loneliness and that frightens me
chris6
I just hate the thought of lockdown easing. We are all living in another world now and I don’t want to see or hear couples holding hands, laughing, kissing and being happy when I’m left with nothing to look forward to except more lonely days and even more tears. I keep asking myself what did we do wrong to have to go through this heartache.
I went to SnappySnaps today to get some photos of Alan printed from a CD that I downloaded them onto. The man tried the CD on different computers but nothing on there! I just stood there in the street and cried and wondered what will go wrong next. It feels like my life is falling apart.
Joan x
Sad 2 I so know what you mean. In a way with lockdown we’re not confronted with happy couples to confound our misery even more and like you I can’t bear to see it.
I too go over in my head constantly why this happened to us as I don’t think we deserved it. The emptiness and loneliness makes me cry when more when I didn’t think I could possibly have any more tears left .
I’m so sorry about your photos of Alan hopefully you will manage to be able to get some others done . I so feel your pain , it’s like our whole lives have disintegrated
Chris x
Dear Joan
I have just come off the phone from speaking with my good friend - she listens and is there throughout the sobbing - and said exactly the same to her about what did we do wrong to be faced with this awful existence. We always tried to be good honest people and help others. We never forgot our roots and never tried to be something we were not.
I am not the same person anymore. Will never find that person and to be honest do not want to go searching as I was part of being a couple then and that life has gone.
I hope you manage to retrieve the photos. In amongst our grief we have all these challenges thrown in on top. I had a meltdown in the middle of Kwikfit the other week and today when the insurance company said they would waive the cancellation fee I just tried buckets on the phone.
Take care
Sheila xx
Dear Sheila
I have a wonderful friend too that listens as I cry without saying a word until I finally stop sobbing. She lives quite a way from me, so at the moment it’s not possible to meet her and give her a big hug and say thank you for always being there for me.
The photos are somehwere on my PC (they must be). My daughter said she’ll look for them when she comes round.
You think you’re getting stronger when you haven’t cried for a couple of hours, and then over the smallest thing your heart breaks again.
Joan xx
Dear Joan
My friend lives on the same estate but we both have vulnerable grandchildren so keep strictly to the rules and I have not seen her since the funeral in September but if I need to speak to her I know she is always there. More than can be said for some of my husband’s family which again makes me cry because I feel my husband is being forgotten.
Sheila xxxx
Dear Sheila
How nice it is to have that “special” friend who is there for you no matter what.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover - hard to find and lucky to have.
Joan xx
It will be 5 weeks at 3am tomorrow, when I lost my mum. I never got the chance to say goodbye and to hold her hand as she slipped away. Because of covid I hadn’t seen my mum for almost a year, she was in a care home. Then, a week before she was due to have her vaccine she tested positive, she was poorly and went to hospital. She passed away 5 weeks later. The death cert said ‘Advanced Dementia’, this was accelerated by covid. I am living with so much guilt at not being there when she needed me most. The hospital didn’t let me know she was close to death and I got the dreaded phone call at 3.10am on 25th Feb. This heartache is so painful. How can I move on, go bacķ to work as a teacher. The way I feel is so scary x
Dear Joan
They are. I am just glad to have her support as certainly would not have got this far without her.
Sheila x
Dear Karen58
I am so sorry to read of the loss of your mum.
Our daughter does not live in the North East and last saw her dad in June before he died suddenly in September. I know that she is full of guilt and is struggling. The same day her dad died, that night I texted both our son and daughter to tell them what I know my husband would want them to know. It reads: “Your dad loved you both very much and was so proud of everything you both achieved. Love you”. I am sure they will not mind me sharing this message. As parents we recognise that our children cannot always be there, but never doubt how much they love us and would be there if circumstances allowed.
Take care.
Dear Karen58
I’m so sorry for the great loss of your beloved mum. I found this lovely poen that I would like to share with you.
Daughter’s Promise
Every time I smile, every time I sigh
I think of your face, and a tear escapes my eye.
You were my world, my inspiration and my heart
But when you left me, I thought I would fall apart.
You were my best friend, my one true confidant
And that’s not all you were, you were also my Mum.
I didn’t want to live without you, but you would have wanted me to
And if there’s anyone I want to make happy, that anyone is you.
I would have given anything to have you back, but I know now that it was meant to be
For you are still watching from up there, and I know you’re watching me.
I’ll make you proud Mum, I’m going to fulfil your wish.
You’re going to see me and smile, and that’s a daughter’s promise.
Stay strong.
Joan x
Hello everyone, Happy Easter. This was my Mum’s favourite time of the year, and I miss her so much . I cant believe its 6 weeks since she passed away, it feels like years. It hurts, and today I can’t see an end to this pain and grief.
Karen58
It’s 11 weeks today since my partner passed away and the grief is still the same for me too . I replay the same scene over and over in my head and it’s not getting any easier . I dread Easter and other bank holidays as I can’t stop thinking what we’d normally be doing . Wish so much I had my old life back and this pain would stop
The same for me my mum went, miss her so much and today was helping dad with some of her things that needed organising, xx
Karen58 I thinking of you with your pain. My mum had several breakdowns and became severely unwell with depression because of Covid and worrying. She was sectioned and had to be admitted to hospital for specialist care, dad and I tried so hard to keep her at home but it was taken out of our hands, a week later she had to go as an emergency to a medical hospital for tests and IV fluids, she too was going for her vaccine but this was put on hold as well as her return to the specialised care, because she contracted Covid on the medical ward. Then 3 weeks later she was gone, we were unable to be with her, my dad and I both questions ourselves if we done more, if we had stopped her going to hospital? But I know she would be saying you did all you could. In my everyday work I visit people especially with dementia and have a passion to do my best to speak up for them or share a little kindness. X
Today is another bad day…
I’m missing mum so much - it hurts that I can’t see her, can’t talk to her, can’t FaceTime her for a chat or go and see her for a cup of tea. The weight of the grief is so heavy in my heart. I try and do the ‘normal’ things - work, some stuff around the house, talk to people, but nothing feels ok at the moment. I’m sleeping really badly, waking at 4 or 5 in the morning and lying awake thinking…
I look at her photograph and just ask why? It all feels so wrong that she isn’t here…
NPM
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I feel just the same, so you are not alone, it’s so so hard.
Miss my mum so much too! Xx
I’m so sorry @Perth it’s so painful isn’t it… I have a husband who is really supportive and two children who even though they have left home are very contactful and sometimes it feels so wrong to be grieving for my mum when I am so fortunate. I know grief doesn’t work like that though - on days like today I just miss her so much and wish she was still here in my world.
It helps that there are others of us who are also grieving - thank you xx
Thank you @Lucyh it does help to read your post, and to know that I am not alone with all this grief I feel. I am crying as I type this, because I really understand what you are going through. I also feel sick sometimes, and can’t breathe for crying. It’s so terribly painful and raw.
I have siblings, all of whom have also lost mum and are grieving, but I feel so lonely because we don’t talk about her and haven’t since she died in February. Up till then we spoke almost every day, because I would tell them all what was happening with mum, post photos of what we were doing, or where we were - she lived close to us and like you I saw her so often. Now it’s like we don’t talk about her at all - I do understand that we all grieve differently but I really miss those chats and I just want to be able to share our memories of mum. I really understand that empty and lost feeling - sometimes it scares me that she isn’t around any more - like the bottom drops out of my world.
And yes, the one person who could help us through this is the one person who we can’t be with, or talk to, about it, and that hurts. Even though I know what mum would say, I want her to be able to tell me herself.
It definitely helps to talk @Lucyh, and I’m so grateful to you for replying. I do feel a little less alone xx