Todays date is the day we switched the life support off for my son Sam.
Doesn’t really matter how long ago it was. It might as well have been this morning. This day always feels the same. We sat up all night discussing what we knew was coming. We got in the car at around 6.30am. Both me and my wife completely exhausted, red eyed, just absolutely numb. We drove the 20 miles to the hospital. We could have stayed at the hospital overnight. But the powers that be said there was only one family room for such occasions with limited room. I gave up my place so my ex wife.( His mum) and his girlfriend could stay.
He’d been brain dead for 2 days. Today they would pull the plug from the life support. Once they switched him off. He lasted about 8 minutes. And that was it!!! The most precious thing in the world to me was gone in a fading heartbeat.
That lad. The one I brought up and raised. The one I would tell bedtime stories to. The one I’d wrestle around the floor toy fighting. The one I taught to swim, ride a bike, the one I warned about the girls. The one I watched grow into an amazing young man. He left school and hit the ground running. Left home at 17. Within in no time he had moved to London got himself a great job. Had 10,000 friends. Where ever there was a pub with a karaoke. He’d be up on it belting out songs that were way before his time. His Facebook was rammed with a million photos of him with all his friends in Manchester and London.
Then one day. This date. It’s all gone just like that. I loved him more than anything, still do. He filled my chest with pride. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy and get on with life. And he was doing it in spades. Then all of a sudden he’s reduced to a hospital bed , completely lifeless. That life, all those hopes and dreams and plans. Gone !!!
I carry on without him now . My life isn’t the same. It never will be again.
Inside I am broken. I used to be broken on the outside as well. But I can fake that so I look normal. But inside I quietly limp along under the radar. I’ve managed to get back on the horse. I eventually went back to work. I learned how to socialize again, I’ve been back on holiday. I can attend get together,s. But I’m still broke inside. He was my biggest achievement in life. Now he’s not here anymore for me to show off . I’m still as proud as I ever was. But today. I hate today .
Thanks for listening . Jim
Oh Jim,
Nothing I can say is going to help but my heart aches for you.
I watched my son , a couple of weeks before he died, walking along with his dog. I thought, as I watched him, how proud I was that he was my son. I wish now I’d told him that day. He knew I loved him but I wonder now if he ever really knew how proud I was of him.
I just thought we had all the time in the world .
Sue xxxx
Hi sue. Thank you. I’ve read plenty of your posts. It’s obvious to a blind man that you and your son had an amazing relationship. He knew you loved him. How could he not . The way you express yourself in your posts is a relationship to cherish. He knew you were proud. He was more than happy to spend lots of quality time with you. It just hurts when they have gone . It makes us question ourselves. Did we tell them we loved them enough. Did we tell them that day !!! Our kids no when they are loved. You have no worries on that score. I,m just having a rubbish day. But it will pass. I no you are really struggling at the mo. It’s early days. But you are doing great. I find interacting with people like yourself is worth it’s weight in gold. Take care sue. Jim
Thank you Jim,
…and thank you for taking the time to reply to me today as it’s such a difficult day for you. Huh…that’s a silly thing for me to say isn’t it, every day is difficult?
The day before Andrew died he walked round to mine with Ash, the dog. He hadn’t slept well the night before as he’d had bad news about a friend dying suddenly. We sat and had a chat, a cup of tea but I could see he was tired so after an hour or so I gave him a lift home.
He asked if I was stopping for a bit and I said I wasn’t as I needed to pop to Asda for a few things. I think that was the ONLY time I’d ever said…“no”… to stopping. I just thought I’d see him the next morning.
Well I saw him the next morning…but it was too late .
I just think…“Why??..”…why didn’t I stop. Would it have changed anything?
I’ve told myself over and over again…no what ifs, no if only’s, nothing can change what’s happened. …but I look across at that box containing his ashes and I just can’t help thinking I let him down.
Thank you Jim for all your words of hope…I hope you get through today and tomorrow your heart will be a little lighter.
As for the drink…I’ve just finished my first large gin and coke! Anything to get through another day.
Love and hugs…Sue xxxx
Jim, You manage to put into one post, so much love and devotion that you felt for your son, he must have been as proud of you as you were of him .a devoted son and devoted Father bless you both…I reckon you deserve that drink tonight…Marina xxx
Hello I am new to the site and sorry for everyone Losses
My son Theo 22 died on October 2nd 2021 in a car accident. For 4 months I was in denial going to work going out like nothing had happened. Then my brother had a heart attack he’s okay, but it triggered me to start my greiving. So I actually have just started greiving since February 2022
I miss him terribly and right now I seem to cry a lot, don’t want to socialize, and have waves of grief. I do go to work everyday and that is a big distraction. I have been through this before my 32 old daughter committed suicide. Of course I miss her also but it was a different grief maybe because I knew she was out of pain because she was mentally ill. This grief is different I am not just mourning his death, but also his future. No one really understands how painful it is and try to shy away from the conversation. I know it’s been a short time with grieving, but sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I feel I should be farther along.
Oh Racy, there’s no ‘should’ here, you are where you are and feeling whatever you feel, and it will take as long as it takes for you to find some peace. Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve already enough to cope with.
Everyone on here does understand, and though no one can take your pain away we will always offer our love and support.
Love and hugs, Ann
Thank you so much for your response. These feeling are difficult to deal with, but I have been making small baby steps. I have been invited out to dinner with friends, but right now I don’t like being around lots of people. I know I shouldn’t worry about not socializing right now, but it didn’t used to be that way. I did go out the other day to see how it would feel to just sit alone in the cafe to see if it made me anxious and it was okay. I guess I just have to be more patient and realize it’s going to take some time. It makes me feel better when I talk to someone even if I don’t get a reply. It helps just to voice your feelings and reply to other people’s post.
Oh Jim. That was a beautiful tribute to your son
The love lives on always.I hope one day it becomes a little easier to bear but you will never forget. X
Racy.
I so feel for you. My friend lost two adult children to suicide many years ago and she still cries without warning. She said her life ended when theirs did and I believe her.
I send you my love and hugs and hope one day you will have some peace.
Hi Jim so sorry for your loss of your amazing son I lost my daughter in October 21 she was my only child just 36 leaving behind 3 beautiful children, every day there is a big hole where I find myself walking around it during the day and failing in it at night time, I too paint that smile on my face to get through the day but so brocken inside, we should never have to lose a child before we go hugs to you xx
Oh Jim I totally relate with you I got the call on October 2nd 2021 that my Theo had been in a car accident and they didn’t expect him to make it. He was only 22. As I walked into the hospital I was in total shock to see my child laying in the bed unresponsive on life support. He had brain damage beyond repair and if he had a survived he would have been a vegetable and made it constant care 24 hours a day. My Theo did not want to live that way so I made the decision to take him off life support. It hurts so bad. My heart goes out to you because I know the feeling. This is actually the first time I shared this in detail. I just join this site so I could get support and support other people also. It helps to get your story out and have other people understand where you are and what grief is all about. Hugs to you and I hope you get through this as I do myself.
Hi Jaykay thank you it’s a very hard road and my heart is broken also. It’s just a natural for a child to go before their parents. How are you doing? Can you tell me a little bit about your daughter?
Dear Jim, I turned off my sons life support nearly 19 years ago, my son Steve sounds like your son, so full of life, 26 years old, my youngest , I have two sons, Ian and Steve, and like you I feel broken, my heart shattered into a trillion pieces that day, and although it went back together, it never mended, Steve’s was an RTA, two policeman on my door step, I fell to my knees, when I turned off the support, I remember letting out a howl, it sounded wolf like, I was alone in that room apart from medical staff, I had so call friends criticize me, how could I do it! Walk a mile in my shoes! I live because of my other son, but my heartbreak never goes away, 19 years of pain, my boy, I long for his chatter, his laughter, his smell, his banter, he was like sunshine on a rainy day, he brightened up any room, he had such plans, he was a landscape gardener, Jim I know your pain, I haven’t spoken to anyone else who turned off life support, thank you for sharing, I’ve always felt so alone over what I did, and yes as I write this it could have been yesterday, Bless you Jim, and thank you x
Hi caz6 Thank you for taking the time to message me. Oh, to walk a mile in our shoes indeed. We did what we had to do. Yes it often plays on your mind. But I know that we know we did the rite thing. It’s easy for others to judge from an armchair. Feel proud of yourself that you had what it took to make that decision. Take care my friend
Jim
Dear Caz, try ‘loss of my son aged 27’ thread. There is at least one mum on there who had to do the same. She is a lovely lady and knows how you feel. And Jim is great to talk to.
Love and hugs 🫂 Ann xx
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xxx