A friend of mine really upset me yesterday.
She said and i quote: your wasting your life sitting wallowing about jim you need to get on with life and go out and find someone else. She said jims not coming back so thats history, she said she doesnt want to hear me going on about him and be more positive. I was really shocked and didnt know want to say . How could she be so cruel. I told her she hasn’t been though grief so doesn’t know want its like at which point she just smiled. I don’t think i want to see her again but we have been friends for years. Am i being silly . I feel so sad today.
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Hello, it’s a difficult one, I’ve experienced the same, a couple of my friends still have there parents and husbands & these are the ones that have said the same.
We’re still friends as I thought they have no experience of how devastating grief can be but for me I’m not as close to them as I was pre loss (don’t think they’ve realised this though) going through grief I’ve found is a quite lonely experience.
Before I experienced it I had no idea how devastating it would be, so that is why I choose to still be friends as they didn’t mean to hurt me.
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That’s sad, but people that haven’t lost a partner don’t understand. I only now realise how my dad must have felt when my mum died.
Most people I’m friends with do still talk about Doug and my family often do.
The other day I was talking across the rec with my son, he said be careful mum you don’t fall in a rabbit hole. I laughed as we remembered when Doug fell in a hole at Northampton police headquarters open day. He dropped his ice-cream but insisted he didn’t want another one which then led us to remember when we went to a football tournament at Burton Park and I did the same and badly sprained my ankle, Doug had to help me back to the car.
You keep talking about Jim there are people out there that will listen and understand.
Debbie x
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Omg, my gut reaction to that was how incredibly hurtful she was. Is that really someone to call a friend? Interesting that she smiled at that point…
Ive known people who havent been caring at fertain times of my lufe, but go into full meltdown when it happens to them and expect everyone to jump to support them.
The only thing I would say is, if its been a long time since you lost Jim some people will get fed up. Some people will still show care/ understanding. Being preoccupied with your loss, a long time after probably isnt best for you.
I dont think shes someone to invest much energy in. Put some space between you.
Mazza x
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I’m sorry, but I find this absolutely horrible. If a so called friend said that to me,I would be so upset & extremely angry!
If this situation has taught me anything, I now know who my real friends are (there are not many) you need to surround yourself with love and strength not negativity & toxicity!
The thing is, no one will understand until it happens to them. I have had some ridiculous things said to me over the past 6 months! the people who made comments that I deemed completely inappropriate, are no longer in my life.
Misprint, you are certainly not being silly! Goodness with friends like that, who needs enemies.
Sending a big hug…
Xx
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Thankyou everyone i know i can be myself on here and not be judged. Mazza its been 16months since jim died.
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I completely agree! Awful. They just don’t understand.
In the best light maybe she thinks she was being helpful, but when you pointed out the horrificness of grief and what it does to us a more appropriate response would have been to agree with you and say I was just trying to help. Not smile?? What was that all about?? Very strange.
I find it’s better to spend time with people who make you feel good. If she isn’t doing that for you then perhaps limit your contact x
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Think she was being sarcastic when she smiled. Im not going to contact her see if she contacts me.
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I have had people say move on his not coming back so i understand how you feel and like you said they have not lost their soulmate i feel people get fed up when i talk about my husband but in my eyes why should i stop talking about him he was my husband and always will be
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Totally agree Sue
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I recently had a text from someone saying “ you’ve made it 6 months single, well done!” Needless to say, I was horrified.
That person is now blocked…
I do not consider myself as single! I am married, Martin is still my husband & always will be.
At Martins funeral I had a person say “ you’re young, you will meet someone else” that day is a blur and I didn’t have the mental or emotional capability to respond, if someone said that to me now, they would receive the sharp end of my tongue!
People can be so bloody insensitive… 
x
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16 months isnt a long time for a loss like this. I hope I wasnt insensitive about the preoccupation comment.
Going forward I think, like others have said, some ‘friendships’ are going to end. Or just in catagory of Cmas and bday cards. Over the longer term there will be people in your life who wont mind you still hurting and sharing that (that might not be many and doesnt matter if they are online ones), others will get you a bit less but still be caring and some like this ignorant one! Ive known people smile in those times because they feel superior.
I text a good friend on the anniversary of the loss of her child and have done every year for 15 years (I remember dates easily) and she says Im the only 1 who acknowledges it. Its taught me something seeing how people reacted to her…and things people said! If people cant be caring then eh?!
Mazza zx
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Hi i totally agree with every thing you have said i have been told move on but like you said my husband will always be my husband do not want to meet anyone
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It’s amazing how callous some people can be.
You are not being silly in your reaction at all… It will be interesting when this ‘friend’ loses their loved one how they will react.
My husband passed in November. I’ve had numerous times by so called family & friends (starting less than a week of his passing to now) telling me to move on, go out enjoy myself, find someone new… Those that I have ‘kept’ some kind of contact with show surprise when I say I am struggling.
Losing the most important person in your life is not like losing or ruining your favourite coat - you can’t just go get a new one.
Unt they have been through it - they will never understand.
I only hear from one person now.
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@Misprint I’m sorry but that particular ‘friend’ would be history now for me. Maybe she thought she was giving you what they call ‘tough love’ but it was a cruel and horrible thing to say and she’d be under no illusion about what I thought of her ‘advice’. I’m so sorry you’ve had that said to you. We all understand what it’s like and would never say anything like that on here xx. Jean.
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Hi Misprint-So sorry for the harsh words of that “friend.” I can relate to being on the receiving end of tactless and insensitive comments. Shortly after returning to work when my Mum died, One day I broke down crying at work and my boss told me I need to “move on and stop feeling sorry for myself.” A coworker kept mentioning how “good” I looked (because I put on makeup to hide my swollen tear stained eyes, and pull myself together to meet clients) and she went on to say how she would be a “mess” if her mother died ( comparing grief and implying I was not grieving properly).
Recently when my beloved little sister died, a so called friend of many years compared his minor medical issue to the death of my sister. He said “we are both going through the same thing.” Anytime I tried to express my grief to this “friend” he would bring the conversation back to himself. I also notice after a short time, people looking bored and impatient when I talk about my losses. Since losing the most important people in my life, I have distanced myself from certain folks, but I am pleased to say I met new, more kind and empathic friends. One in particular from this site, and we have been in contact for 4 years. Misprint, I can not accept that your friend was so clueless that she could not understand how hurtful she was being. You have every right to be upset. I know it is hard, but perhaps you could let her know the damage she caused. Until then, protect yourself, and know that the posters on this forum will be here for you with love and acceptance.
Take care. Xxx
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Maybe your friend cant understand what loosing a partner means. I lost my dad 5 years ago and then my mum the following year I can honestly say I didnt comprehend how she felt. It was only when I lost my husband did I understand. Maybe she is trying to be helpful it also depends how much you value this person`s friendship where you go from here.
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Thanks everyone. Spoke to my “friend” today to tell her how upset she made me feel only to be told that because I’m single now and all her friends are couples it would be best not contact till I’m in a relationship.Who the hell does she think she is I’m done with her now.
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Ggrrrr…! What an awful person. Eject!!
Dont mix with her again.
Mazza xx
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Thanks im not a bad person and i dont cry in front of people. I try to stay positive when in company only cry behind closed doors so why she would say that i dont know. My mum said perhaps she thinks you will run off with her husband that made me laugh 
i dont want anyone least of all him .
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