Like many others here, I’ve lost my soul mate, my reason for existence, and I can’t seem to understand what is happening to me - but people keep asking me: “how are you doing” and I don’t know what to say; and I know others on here have the same issue.
People don’t want to hear that I reluctantly accept a diagnosis of PTSD, that I’m in shock, that on days I consider ceasing to continue, that my life feels unreal like a dream, that this outwardly confident person has massive panic attacks, that I have diahrea, feel sick if I eat and I don’t sleep… and if I don’t understand what I’m going through, they can’t.
So what I’ve found best works for me, particularly as people just want to hear I’m OK to make them feel better but I won’t lie is:
“Totally shit, but thanks for asking” and I walk on or change the subject.
To the strangers who ask: “all right?” I just ask them back “all right” making no comment on me, or just say “no” and walk on or change the subject.
Seems to work best for me… If people really want to know, then perhaps I’ll try to explain, but usually I say: “if you haven’t lost your partner, you just can’t understand no matter how much you try”.
Works best for me… hope maybe that can help others here…?
I have to agree, I get fed up with the questions? I always answer with I’m doing the best I can but it just shit!
I know people mean well, I feel like saying I’ll never be okay again, and just leave me alone!
Sick to death of saying I’m ok. I’m not. Sick of the endless silence in our previous lively happy home. Hate the boring miserable git I’ve become.
My wife was so lovely bubbly and outgoing she would have coped much better than me.
Reading comments on here do help it’s nice to know you are not the only one.
Just keep going mate hopefully it will get better for us all.
@Tommy104 totally get it… Sharon was (outwardly) the quiet one of us, but the fact is she was so strong (she had to be to deal with me all those years). But I TOTALLY get the quiet house; it’s awful.
DennisS
Just had a person that was passing our house(we have a public footpath) ask if I am coping now it is 9 months without my beloved who used to talk to everyone going by. Totally broke down and I think they where mortified and could not understand how I felt.
Jessica
@DennisS, I’m sure we’d all love to answer that way to people who ask. Really sums it up. I remember when our local parish priest came to visit for his annual house blessing. This is a tradition we have here, in villages and small towns. O
He asked how I was and I shrugged my shoulders, looking up at the sky and I simply replied: “well, I’m still waiting for an answer to my question to God: Why???”
I used a very irritated tone, explaining that I was extremely furious at God for taking away my soulmate and father of my two children, so prematurely. He said I was right to be angry at G at God, it’s ok to do that, and that eventually he would answer me.
Still waiting… Of course, there are no answersw
P. S. I sometimes reply: “I would be lying to you if I say fine, thanks.”
@Solost Interesting the priest called - I think I would have thrown him out on his ear. I used to believe in some kind of supernatural, but not now - and if I did, I’d hate it for taking my gorgeous Sharon against her and my will. I haven’t yet got to “why”… I can feel it at the back of my mind, but I think I would rage at the unfairness and at the moment I’m just trying to get through every minute of every day…
Hi Dennis, I 100% agree with you, I lost my wife 11 weeks ago, the pain is awful, when I think about her it makes me feel sick, the pain of losing her is unbearable, my wife went into hospital and died in 10 days, she thought she was just depressed, she got weaker, couldn’t get off the settee, had to help her up, when we went to hospital they told her she had cancer from the waist up in many organs, she never had any idea she was ill until 3 weeks before she died, the worst 3 weeks of my life!!, I can’t bare speaking to anyone about my wife as it upsets me to much, if I see anyone I know in the distance I swerve them as I don’t want to explain to them how I’m feeling or how my wife died, I have had to deal with some crap in my life but nothing compares to losing my beautiful wife.
I always tell people how I feel, and if it’s shit, then it’s shit. Which every day it is. I lost my hubby 9 weeks ago, our children lost their dad. It was such a massive shock and so unexpected, we still don’t know why, what caused it, he just dropped. My life has just crumbled away and I don’t even know where to begin. He was my everything, the kids hero, our best friend, security, our world. I don’t even know how to help the children, as I am a mess. I just don’t understand WHY! People always ask how are you today??? Wtf! How do they think I feel. The person who made me whole and complete has left me to carry on with life, but how? I’m sorry to swear and jump on this post but I am so lost. My life has turned upside down and I don’t know what to do. 
Must admit I am devestated at the loss of my wife and soul mate. We would have been married 59 years yesterday and had been together 61 years. Although it’s only just over 3 weeks since she passed away I doubt if I will ever get over it.
I totally get it, I lost my soul mate in June and the pain and numbness and empty feelings I have are indescribable. People who haven’t lost just don’t understand. They say things like don’t cry he wouldn’t want you to cry, or go back to work. How can I go back to work if I can’t get through the day. They don’t understand if you don’t want to socialise, what do they expect, I have lost my right hand, I have feelings of just wanting to join him.
Unless it has happened to you it is so hard to understand. When my loved ones lost their other halves, whether it be my mum, my aunts, my friends, I felt that I was caring, felt that i was cheering them up when they were down. How little I knew, how little could I imagine the pain. Now I know. Even when I am with other people I am alone. In my head and my heart I am alone. I can’t listen to our music, I can’t watch the tv programmes we enjoyed together. After 18 months the tears have mostly stopped. Except sometimes. I feel a shell growing around me, protecting me, insulating me from the world. I don’t have joy or laughter. I miss laughter. I miss finding joy in my grandchildren, I paste on a smile for them but they have a future to embrace that I just don’t feel part of now. I think perhaps another year and I can look forward. I thought that last year. I don’t think there is a forward for me. Just a time of waiting and going through the motions until it’s my turn. Only my rescue dog keeps me going. She needs me. I need her. And she doesn’t ask me how I am.
Totally understand, 9 months on I still feel utterly bereft. The house is too quite, I miss everything about him, he was my soul mate, the one who finished my sentences, the silence is the worst. And yes it really is shit but people really don’t want to hear that.
I lost my husband two months ago, I understand people feel awkward and don’t know what to say , so when they ask me I reply " one day at a time" which is exactly what I’m doing, I can’t look beyond that for now, unless you’ve had the same experience you’ve no idea what us that have lost a spouse/partner are feeling. My husband was my soul mate and the only person I had ever loved for 36 years.
Hi all,I lost my husband 2 weeks ago today after an illness of just 8 weeks.I read what you had posted and it felt like mex
Sorry you’re going through this awful pain too, it must have been tough for you when your husband was ill. I find talking about my husband and looking at pictures helps me to focus on the good times and all the memories we made. I hope you find some peace through your grief x
I just find that people don’t really know what you are going through. Some people are really surprised that I am still hurting after 9 weeks as though I should get over losing my best friend/soul mate who was my husband for 37 years.
When people ask me l just shrugged my shoulders and say how would you feel because I am fed up with life being so bloody cruel and walk off
Its 10 months since my wife Tina passed, I’ve been through hell and back and still miss her laughter her voice, her just being here,I understand when people keep saying how you doing, if they only knew when I’m alone is my worst time, at night, weekends, I still cry ,or get very upset, I do go out but put on a false front people and family think every thing is ok,they don’t understand, my life will never be the same as when we’ were together, I still take one day at a time ,I know Tina would say don’t be so stupid get on with your life easier said than done, I have read your letters i know what you’re all going through im so sorry,