Gill, it was the same with my beautiful Mandy .we had been away in the caravan over the August bank holiday at the end of August .she was fit and healthy but we soon found out we all had caught COVID . I and my step daughter got better but my lovely wife didn’t and ended up on a ventilator and on 23rd sept she passed away aged 61.
Sepsis had also entered the the tubes on the ventilator.xx
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You’ve described the feeling perfectly. The unreality, as if you’re acting in a play you didn’t agree to be in. All sense of safety or grounding gone.
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@Rainbow yes, kind words, and I totally agree. It’s almost like that poem Stop All The Clocks - and hence my analogy that we are on another planet (Planet WTF) I think was suggested as nothing is real. Everything looks and sounds the same - but everything’s gone and nothing is the same, and it is impossible to understand it. Maybe it’s the inability to accept it?
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@Tim Yes, totally. My darling Sharon decorated the house, decorated the tree, sent all the Christmas cards keeping lists cards etc. I’m coping with doing a lot of the things that were my girl’s jobs - but I couldn’t do that and how could it be a celebration? HOW? My darling girl (and I) went into a hospice on Christmas Morning - so who would be stupid enough to send me a Happy Christmas card? No way I’m sending cards, might get get vouchers for close family and gets some toys from Amazon for the youngsters…
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@Lonely / Sheila, lovely description and of an era that no longer exists. And yes, I’m trying to take a positive that I was with the most beautiful, loveliest, strongest girl on the planet and who loved me unconditionally since our teens - cared for her and grew even closer in that period - and was with her to the end. Not many people ever have that, so although I’m totally broken, I am lucky… (BUT it just doesn’t feel like it deep down).
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Hi Dennis we were the luckiest , to have such a wonderful partner and wonderful marriage,since in our teens .but unfortunately our luck ran out when partner died. Now we are left to try and survive each lonely day without them in our life( existence) so sad not enough words to describe how we feel now. Christmas to me is cancelled forever. I know I will have to give gifts to my kids and grandkids .but don’t want or need to receive any back . The only gift I could ever want is my husband back with me living a happy life . What I know is impossible.but doesn’t stop me yearning and aching for this every day . Thinking of you xtake carex
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@Rozzie Yes, totally. When Sharon first passed I’d look at her pictures etc thinking about the past - and it was just like looking at a film I’d once seen - I couldn’t cry and couldn’t get it. Now, I’m crying daily, kind of stay in touch with little moments with my girl and cry, but deep down I can’t accept it. Yes, it’s like a terrible nightmare from which you never wake.
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Tim, I feel your pain. I keep asking why Dave? I know it’s early days and everyone says you will find your new ‘normal’. but I don’t want a new normal I just want the love of my life back xx
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Perfect analogy Dennis - lost my husband of 41 years 18 months ago - he was an astrologer, as well as an amazing musician, all sorts of talents - so he knew about planets. If anything, I know one thing - he would probably been worse even than me at surviving this one. How did I get to this age, lose parents and others, yet have no real understanding of grief? Of death? Slowly, I am becoming this new person, but I wish for the old me, yet know this new me is wiser, though sadder. I feel as though I will never experience being carefree and joyous again. But I keep an open mind on that one. Our wonderful daughter and my incredible friends have been there for me. So I feel fortunate - and this site, and other reading has made me realise, I am not actually the only person on this alien planet! Thank you everyone on here, we are not alone, and I choose to believe healing will happen. x
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Thank you kindly for your reply. Acceptance…very hard to put into words where I am with what has been termed the last stage of grief. The ongoing reminders of our past life….bring me a gentle comfort not experienced in this new world so I yearn for what was…probably always will, x
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The hardest thing in life, ever, is finding someone you can’t live without, and then living without them……
Sadly I never knew your dear Sharon, but without a doubt I know, just by listening to you talk about her, that she would be someone who I would feel so very grateful to know and to have in my life. And although I didn’t know her, and have only known you for a short while, I also have no doubt that she would be so very very proud of you. I know that this doesn’t take away your pain. Just know that I do feel very grateful for your support and for our “shit” group….
Sha xx
P.S Shitty Planet WTF ….pretty well summarises my last 8 1/2 months!! 
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Hi Shelia.
Your posts always make me laugh and cry at the same time maybe because you have the same sense of nostalgia that I do. I am 4 years and a few months down this pit of hell I never ever thought about before Ron died and I still can’t see beyond the next day. My life has been spllt in half. One half is the one where everything fit into boxes but now I am in a different halfwith what seems like an entire nation of people who are suffering the same as me but who J never even knew existed before. I am so stressed and broken that I can’t even co ordinate my sentences properly anymore. Nothing is ever finished anymore because I need my beloved husband with me to be feel complete. I am a shell. I have no colour, no feeling, no emotion. I am just lying on a lonely beach waiting to be washed away out to sea. Sorry it is late and I haven’t even got the words to express myself tonight. I am just not me anymore.
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@Shaz69 Sha, lovely words and your first sentence sums it up. Maybe a good addition to “totally shit, but thanks for asking” could be “being with someone you can’t live without, and then trying to live without them……”. And lovely thought of Sharon being proud of me…
Yes, the same goes for you - you should be so proud of the way you have dealt with the shits, and kept going, and created and run the Zoom group. Well done you… Thanks…
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@Broken2222 yes, I totally agree - I’m buying presents for kids because they don’t understand - but if any adult expects me to celebrate Christmas they don’t know me at all.
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@jane10 yes, it’s unreal when it happens. It’s totally being on another “Shitty Planet WTF” where nothing is real.
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@Rainbow I’ve been assured by 2 counsellors, GP and psychiatrist that the 8 stages of grief are now thought not to be the case. The book: its OK to not be ok" was written by a grief counsellor who then lost her husband, then realised she’d been talking rubbish for years…
For me, apparently I’m following “Continuing Bonds” which makes sense as I can never accept Sharon has gone, but everyone is different, so whatever works best, is best.
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@Lonely another lovely post, and shows how much you and your husband were - like Sharon and me - a single soul, now torn into pieces.
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Good morning @DennisS, this new thread you have started has ‘hit the nail on the head’, as they say. I couldn’t have put it better myself.
I relate to everyone’s posts here I’ve just been reading. I had a visit from a neighbour the other day, she’s the same age as me and she still, thankfully, has her husband. I felt like an alien while we were talking. She talked the whole time about her family, never asking about how we were feeling and getting on. I think she was embarrassed, not knowing what to say. So sad, because I’ve known her since I first came to live here, 27 years ago, and even though we’ve never really been close friends, just a neihbourly relationship, it just felt so “different” chatting to her, unfortunately ‘different’ in a very negative way! I felt so uncomfortable.
Hoping you’re getting on ok Dennis, sending you strength, your beloved wife will always be with you. I feel my darling soulmate close to me all the time and that’s what keeps me sane.
Sending everyone a hug.
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I my name is Michael I have just lost my wife on November 3th with 4 sage cancer she was 50 years old I love her so much it hurts we have everything sorted out for this Friday at 2 o’clock it doesn’t feel real I just can’t get my head around it I am not on the planet yet but I think I am getting there it just doesn’t feel right
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Dear @Shaz69,
The hardest thing in life, ever, is finding someone you can’t live without, and then living without them
That line is one of the most apt I’ve read. Thank you. I’m always searching for the perfect words to sum up our suffering and I’ve come to the conclusion there aren’t any, but my goodness yours come close. They are all the more poignant for me this morning because my team at work are organising a Christmas meal and guess what? Spouses and partners are invited. Guess what again? I ain’t going! How bloody heartless and inconsiderate. I have been very tearful this morning. If I’m honest, I wouldn’t have gone anyway but I might have and that’s not the point. If I went, I would be the only one there alone and I can tell you now, I have never felt so alone as I do now. It just re-enforces our situation and we need that like a hole in the head. 
I have gone around the house this morning, ranting, screaming, swearing.
It brings to mind @Lonely’s thread about lack of support and understanding from her so-called friends. They’ll find out one day and whilst I won’t gloat, I do wonder whether I’ll have any kind of sympathy for them .
WTF! Or even FFS! (Thanks Grandma 
)
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