Please shoot me if I even think of putting the radio, Spotify or whatever on again. More than almost anything music has such power over our emotions, memories etc.
We both loved our music but now it can simply trigger too many awful memories and too many tears.
If I choose to put something it’s generally ok, I’m safe, I’m in control; if someone else does it the randomness opens me up to God knows what torment. Yes , I know it might, and can, pick me up when I need it but, like tonight, well, you probably know exactly where I am…
A song I chose for Jill’s photo tribute; change channels - a song I mentioned in her obituary; another channel - another of her favourites; one last channel and it’s that photo tribute song again.
Maybe it’ll get easier but, frankly, I don’t believe it. A bitter sweet (symphony) memory will always trigger a meltdown…
I understand, to help me get to sleep I get Alexa to play country music softly for half an hour or so. When I was almost asleep on night it played I will always love you by Dolly Parton. The opening words "If I should stay, I would only be in your way, So I’ll go, " really upset me. My Darling wife had Parkinson’s disease, I had been her carer helping he for more than 20 years. NO i did not want her to go, I miss her so much. I now have to make playlists to avoid triggers like that.
I agree. Music can have such a powerful effect. I used to listen to classical music constantly at home and when driving. Since my son died in November the only time I have listened to music is when we were choosing what pieces to use for his funeral service. Unfortunately that particular music replays itself constantly in my head and makes me feel very sad. I suppose I could switch on the radio and find some more cheerful stuff to supplant it, but that seems all wrong. I prefer silence nowadays.
I agree music is like a photo to me. One time it makes you smile as you remember moments. The next time it makes you cry. When they took Sue to the hospital i made sure i had my i-pod with me, i was hoping i would need it as i was going to be there a long time till she’s better. Instead i put on her favorite song one headphone to her one to me as they turned off the machines keeping her i want to say alive but i don’t think she was there. It is also the last song at Sue’s funeral. I still play it because sometimes i remember the gigs where we saw thr band and her face when they played it and she tried to sing along. Then others you can imagine what i see. Music was a big part of are life together but sometimes it is so hard to listen to it.
Music was always a trigger for me, some particular songs always triggered me. I decided never to avoid them, I just let the memories come back, and I let the tears flow. They reminded me of happy times, worth remembering, I didn’t want to forget them!
I even sang her favourite song at her funeral party, which was a bit difficult but made me proud.
As time went on, they stopped being triggers for sadness, but triggers for happy memories. Since she died, three years ago, learning to play music has become a huge part in my recovery, and I I’m learning to play the flute, and now choose to play songs which remind me of our happy times. Next week I’m on holiday and on one nice evening (I hope I have one) I’ll be on one of our favourite holiday beaches, playing “Some Enchanted Evening” which reminds me of the first time I ever saw her. (Yes, it actually was across a crowded room!! 
). It will hopefully be on the anniversary of her death, and there will be some tears, but a lot more smiles).
I do really know how desperately hard it is in the early days, but I tried to remember that memories are almost all I had left, and if something triggers them, bring them on. The tears will fade, and happy memories grow.
There’s a perfect quote from Abraham Lincoln (I think). “This too shall pass”. He’s right.
My mum wanted the sounds of the ocean played the last week of her life, when ever we tried to put anything else on when she could respond, she would let us know to turn it back to the ocean.
Mum had it on all day, every day, until she passed.
That was 8 weeks ago, and I was sitting at work yesterday in the office on my own and I felt like bursting out crying and all I could hear was these sounds of the ocean. Looking around I couldn’t see any laptop open or anything and I was desperate to find it - I couldn’t understand why I was hearing it. Then found one of the kids I look after, their game had gone on standby but part of the game was by the ocean.
It fuc*ing killed me.
Music is so powerful I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m a musician by trade, and at the moment (and since mum passed), I don’t listen to much music at all. 
Hi Tykey,
Aww what wonderful advice you have written.
So true about music. It’s only now I can listen to certain songs and I appreciate what you say about actually now enjoying hearing them. I used to instantly turn certain songs off and get terribly upset. Now not always but certainly very often I smile when I hear them played and remember the good memories. Gosh I never ever thought I would write that.
Thank you for your kind words and for giving hope to new people on here.
Deborah
I am also a musician, an ex piano teacher, accustomed to carrying music about in my head. The problem is it tends to get stuck there, like an ear worm, and that’s what happened with the music from my son’s funeral. Now I just listen to nature’s music in the garden and I find that more consoling
Hi again, @seychelles. I hope it helps someone. It’s never obvious at the start, but as we travel through our grief, it’s amazing how our thoughts turn around.
I remember how I was convinced that the raw, horrible, emotions I felt were going to be how it was going to be for the rest of my life. Its not like that. I have some sad moments, but overall, life is worth having again.
From one musician to another virtual hug 
Hi Tykey,
I know exactly what you mean. I too have sad moments. In fact more sad than happy ones but life is so precious so I am still plodding on and trying to manoeuvre my way round grief.
Music is a healer,soother and a trigger of course but it’s managing it in your own time and way that is the key.
How are you getting on with your music
Deborah
Hi Deborah, I’ve been trying lots of musical approaches, until I found things I was comfortable with. It was never going to be easy, because I couldn’t read music, I’m 77 with arthritic hands. I bought a keyboard but struggled, I was already in a couple of ukulele and banjo bands, but not really enjoying it, although the friendship aspects were great. My furtling on my guitars were OK, but not going anywhere great.
I finally finished up extremely happy with joining a 4 part harmony choir, plus the wonderful sudden impulse to play the flute. It took 10 minutes from having that impulse to finding a teacher who lived only 1/2 mile away, and 24 hours to having my first lesson. I never realised how difficult it was to play, but it was a perfect challenge, I don’t need anyone else to join me to play (although I can), I can play at home and it’s not loud enough to annoy the neighbours, and it’s good therapy for my poor hands. Now after almost a year, I can play full songs with only a few mistakes, I’m currently working on Queen’s “Who wants to live forever”, and loving it.
I sometimes wonder what my life would be like without music. I’m not talented, I’m old and worn out, but I’ve found joy, challenges, and pride in myself. I’ve also made many friends and filled very many hours.
Let no-one ever say, “I couldn’t do any music”. Because everybody can, even if it’s just playing the comb and paper:notes:
. Doing it badly is far better than not trying.
If anyone is inspired to give it a go, I’ve got a keyboard for sale😜,
If anyone is in North Anglesey in a weeks time, and you hear some fluty music in the middle of the countryside (or on a beach) , it could be me sat outside a Shepherds hut. Track me down and have a cup of tea.
Hi All. I have many triggers but will admit that music is one of the most powerful any Wagner and I immediately think of my Father for my mother it is Beethovens piano concerto’s but for my wife it is Leonard Cohen and Dory Previn mostly (what I used to call dirge music) but the music we used to listen to in the car will set me off as well which is why I have had to heavily edit the memory stick so that it only contains the music that she did not like.
I was watching TV the other night and Without you by Nillson started up you have never grabbed a remote control so quickly but unfortunately it was too late and I had the song playing in my head for the whole evening which of course brought on sadness and tears making it difficult to sleep that night.
Yes music is powerful but try as we might it is all around us and we cannot avoid it not that I would want to but unfortunately it triggers those deep feelings that we would probably like to stay buried.
Hi @JohnF. You’ve given me an ear worm, when you mentioned Leonard Cohen !! It’s The Sisters of Mercy!!
Hang in there.
Hi Tykey,
Aww well done on everything you have achieved. You are an inspiration to many on here including myself.
I also needed to find something to do to help me and I have recently set up my own gift business. I used to be a Headteacher of a primary school and when I retired 11 years ago I missed the children terribly. So I have recently decided to set up my own tiny business selling children’s gifts. It is helping me so much in having some sort of purpose left in my life. Along with having cancer 6 years ago and retiring then mum passing I lost all my confidence and almost never left the house. Now I have a renewed enthusiasm and looking forward to going to small events like summer fetes, school fayres, carnivals, and fundays. I am back emailing, planning, keeping records, seeking out wholesalers and so on. Just like I used to do except there’s no accountability or stress or even marking !!!
I think for me I had to find something to occupy myself, to get me out and about, to meet people and to start living again in a better place than a world full of sadness.
By the way my son has flute lessons and reached grade 4 I think. I agree it’s so hard to even make any sort of sound in the beginning.
He didn’t pursue it after that but I have noticed he has an appreciation of songs and music and uses it in his work and often says he remembers a certain piece of music from the lessons he had. He is a cameraman and edits his filming and adds music so all that money years ago on lessons has paid off. Karl Jenkins was one of his favourites. But loves Queen music like we do and it’s amazing because it was all before his time. Certain music is timeless.
Enjoy Anglesey. It’s a beautiful place. Scenery, beaches , mountains around there are breathtaking. I took my mum there just a few weeks before she passed and the whole area is extremely special to me with my wonderful memories.
I hope someone finds you up there somewhere and joins you with a cuppa.
Keep going with your music.
Deborah
Thanks, Deborah. It’s great to read of someone who is tackling bereavement in a really positive way, and is seeing their new life evolving in such a wonderful way. I bet you didn’t see any way forward in the early days:ok_hand:
, did you. I often motivate myself by imagining if I get old, infirm and in care, I can look back in pride thinking I didn’t waste the opportunity of doing something special. That’s what Penny would want me to do.
Yes, Anglesey has a strange magical quality, my wife and I went many times, and I’ll be revisiting many of the places we made happy memories together.
I’m looking forward to some lovely seaweed beer I found last year
Sorry.
happily driving drive back from the shops today and what comes on the bloody radio Suzanne by who else but good old Leonard Cohen, somebody up there is trying to make me pay for all the times I made disparaging comments about my wifes lack of music taste!!!
John, Music can trigger things. I quite often have Alexa play country music quietly to go to sleep. one night just as I was asleep it played “I will always love you” by Dolly Parton. Really upset me. My wife had Parkinson’s and I had looked after for 20 odd years. The words " If I should stay, I would only be in your way, So I’ll go" did it . She was never in my way, I did not want her to go. and it was like she was saying it to me.
Rob, oh dear just shows the power of music like I said in an earlier post Nillssons without you got me going and I could not get the damn song out of my head which made it worse, I do have various keyboards but have not been able to touch them since her passing as the joy of music seems to have diminished.
Hazel suffered with what they called an unspecified cancer that had metastasised to other parts of the body, she was originally given less than six months to live but lasted two and a half years, she did put a brave face on it but was suffering so the end was a release in many ways but still painful leaving a huge void in my life.
With regards to triggers there are so many as practically everything in the house and garden was for her so no matter what I look at it is an instant reminder of her especially now as she loved this time of year with all the plants starting to bloom and
the bees turning up she would have been out weeding for the last two days enjoying the sun.
Hi Tykey,
I honest couldn’t function at all in the early days. I remember you posting around that time.Mum passed in Dec 2022.
I hit rock bottom and actual didn’t want to be here. I remember staying in bed for weeks,not eating ,not washing,not dressing etc
Looking back I don’t know how I got through it. Somehow I found this site. I can’t recall looking for it and to this day I always say it found me. I like to think my mum sent something to save me.
I soon had replies from other people on here and it became my lifeline especially in the middle of the night when my family were asleep and I was desperate for help. I found my mood changed if I had a reply. It was incredible really how talking to complete strangers helped me.
I have made wonderful friendships and have met up twice since Dec 2022 with 2 other ladies who lost their mum’s around the same time. We will be friends for life now.
I always think my mum is with me but in a different dimension. Still here alongside me but I just can’t see her. She’s still very much part of my daily life and I wander around my house talking to her like she’s in the same room as me.
When we went to Anglesey we visited 2 lovely beaches. I shall look them up tomorrow and let you know. I stayed at Porthmadog and went to Black Rock beach. If you get a chance to go there try to because it’s a beautiful beach you can actually drive onto.
It it’s called Morgan Buchan in Welsh which may be what the locals call it.
I will post tom with some places for you to visit.
I live in West Wales but know lots of places up in the North
Deborah