Triggers

It’s those bloody triggers. You are doing really well, in a bubble with my daughter who had had a baby. Back at the gym nearly every day, losing a bit of blubber. Bought a new dress on line, new car- as the old one was playing up. Then BAM. You have a few girl friends round for a meal and wine, all good. Then the husband comes to collect one of them- and you realise that no one will ever collect you again! Then it falls down like a pack of dominos. Life is do cruel.

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So cruel not do!

Exactly that the very simple things and bam , it was looking at an old till receipt in a drawer the other day ! Realising tee would never be coming through the door with bags of shopping , I must have stared at the damn thing for an hour

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I find it’s the most insignificant little things that cause the most hurt (like Geoff-tee’s old till receipt).
I think triggers are our loved ones visiting us but it’s not the kind of visit I want.

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For me it’s finding a book with a bookmark and realising that book will never be finished. It symbolises how our life together ended too soon. We thought there were several chapters still to go.
The other day a Cat Stevens song came on the radio. I had to switch it off immediately as we had one of his songs at my husbands funeral. it wasn’t even the same song but his distinctive voice was just too sad to listen to. Nine months on and I still can’t listen to any music which is odd as it was a huge part of our life. We met in 1975 and anything from that era sends me spiralling into the depths. So many of you will know exactly what I mean.
Hopefully like others further along this new way of life we’ll all be able to face these triggers with a smile rather than with sorrow. Difficult to imagine right now but as I said, hopefully…

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I am living alone in the home we made together and I haven’t been able or wanted to change or move anything (except to dust) and her phone is sitting beside the settee. It’s still switched on and I charge it regularly, don’t know why! We each have a kindle at the bedside and they haven’t been used since the day she died. I also keep them charged but don’t know when or if I will use mine again. My wife was not into music but I was and used my phone or mp3 player a lot. She ordered a new mp3 player for my birthday and it arrived the day she died. I’ve been unable to listen to my music collection since then although I do have the radio on for company.
All her possessions in our home give me the feeling of being close to her but also pain because they are all triggers that can floor me at any time of the day.
I look forward to the day I can face them with a smile instead of tears.

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Dear AL2020
I kept my husbands phone. I used to check it regularly to see if anyone emailed. Unfortunately I didn’t realise that if the number is not used , either send or receive, after a year the number disconnects. I cannot now get into his WhatsApp account for photos that he sent to me that perhaps I had deleted.

Hello, when you send a photo via WhatsApp, it is stored locally on the phone on the file system too. You do not need an active connection to WhatsApp to access them. Is your husband’s phone running Android or iOS?

Jobars I was the same when my love died I could not listen to any music. I was like this for six or seven months. Although I can now listen I find myself bawling at songs that had no meaning for us. Often happens when I least expect it.

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I was the same with songs and tv programmes we watched together I cant watch them now because we used to chat about them while they were on , leaves no tv Ireally left to watch but news channel because tee didn’t watch that much

Triggers are very hard. Howwever you really are doing very well and have kept yourself really busy coping with a lot on your own that you previously would have shared responsibility for. One think will be lovely and bittersweet is that you may see a bit of your husband in your daughters baby particularly if it is a boy. One day you might turn around and say oh that is so like … and you and your daughter will share a bitter sweet smile because you are glad that a piece of the one you loved goes on and yet so sad that they are not around to share.

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I still write emails to my special girl telling here what I’m doing and keeping her up to date with the family, yesterday I sold her mobility scooter as it had st in the boot of my car for three months, I can’t believe I’ve not seen her for three months. When the lady who bought it drove away I collapsed into floods of tears, another part of her has left. This grief is so hard and these three months have been the worst of my life, I just want to hug her tightly and smell her hair.

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I too have done very similar things , including selling trishas mobility scooter , it was a wrench but I reasoned that someone would get the benefit from its use , I dont email but I do read our phone messages going back years , and cant even delete her number after 10 months , every little thing is so hard to part with , sorry for your loss its horrendous and the hardest thing we will ever have to deal with , regards geoff

Couldn’t agree more, my friends talk about what they’re doing as couples then ask me what I have done !! Gardened, gardened and gardened. I’m trying to carve a new way forward but still no idea how to proceed. All our retirement plans (not that my husband had retired, he had another 2-3 years) have been obliterated. I know I’m sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself but just going through a bad patch. Life is so unfair.

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My son passed away suddenly 2 months ago at the moment every day is a struggle I’m going to work but have recently received a note from the doctor to rejoice my hours so I can work with other support teams to find a way to move forward

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Yes I agree. No one will love me ever again like my husband did. I am truly alone in this world and so jealous of all my friends who still have their husbands

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AL2020,
Your post realy touched a nerve with me. I find myself paralyzed when it comes to moving or dealing with any of my wife’s things - spectacles, asthma inhalers, pens, books, cross-stitching projects to name a few - and also her phone. About four weeks ago, I went through the contact list on her phone to see if there was anyone I should call to inform them of Nicki’s passing. I charge her phone every couple of days, but I recently changed phone service providers and found that her phone does not work on the new service. Nicki was not really keen on computers and electronics didn’t seem to like her much either (but that’s another story). I also turn the kitchen radio on first thing in the morning, then the dining room portable. They both blare out the entire day and night - even when the TV is on - until I turn them off before going to bed. Like you, I just need to hear something in the background to try to distract me and keep me company.

Nicki’s posessions around the house are bitter-sweet for me. Like you again, they are reminders of when she was here and the things she liked to do. But they are also reminders of what - no, who - is now missing from my life and that just hurts so, so much. I too look forward to the day when they no longer cause that hurt.

And Chas,
I have so much sympathy for you regarding your reaction to the sale of your wife’s mobility scooter, as one day I will be in exactly that same position. Just cancelling my wife’s sewing magazine subscription and car insurance a couple of weeks ago felt as though I was chipping her away from my life in small pieces, and that hurts too.

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So many things that we all do , finding ourselves in this unknown territory. I ,too. keep the radio on all the time, the bedroom one and bedside light all night just to feel not quite so alone. I charge his phone every day too, haven’t moved any of his clothes or toiletries etc for fear of him slipping further away. And Skywalker. the feeling that you’ve lost that person who loved you and knew you in a way that nobody else did or ever could, breaks your heart doesn’t it? Especially when you’ve been in contact with couples and you just feel so jealous and empty. Take care x

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When my son passed i found it a struggle to believe it was real i was with him at the hospital until he passed away even the funeral seemed like a dream in which it will all end I’ve just started to accept his death and the greiving it’s sad to accept that he won’t walk through the door again i still have all of his belongings and his ashes I’m not ready to scatter them and don’t know if i ever will its all i have left of him as well as my beautiful memories i miss his smile and having are coffee chats everyone of us i suppose will deal with are loss in different ways but we can all be here for one another

We can, Princess and my heart goes out to you for your unbearable loss. There are no words, life is so cruel, Nobody can know what you’re going through unless they’ve experienced it, my heart aches for you. Sending love and support xx

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