Yes it was a lovely day Debsie - but just so down tonight. Don’t know why though?
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Didn’t drink too much but just can’t seem to cope tonight! Why does this horrible thing just hit us so hard! I don’t want to play this game any more!
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Me too Nigel. Perhaps you are tired with all that socialising, or maybe feeling guilty for enjoying your day. We know our loved ones would want us to be happy but it doesn’t make it feel right. Have a look at that to do list and see how well you are doing and make your plans for tomorrow. Then get a good nights sleep.
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Hi Nigel it’s because you’ve been out and had a lovely time. Now you are back home you’ve been plunged back into reality- on your own and no one to talk the day over with. It always gets me like that, if I’ve been with others and had a good time. Tomorrow will be better ( hopefully). With love xx
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Thank you Debsie and Jody. This started this morning, I guess I’m so frustrated with everything not going right and it’s freezing tonight after a bad sleep last night. I hope tonight and tomorrow are better! I held it together this afternoon but it’s just come back like I was afraid it would when I got back indoors! Goodness knows how Mary would have coped if it’s affecting me this badly? I’m also thinking about my daughter, parents and three best friends I’ve lost in addition too! Thank you so much for your caring comments. Much love. Nigel xxxxx 
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Nigel I think your feelings are completely normal and with 43 weeks experience I can say I would be just the same. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve undertaken your first trip on your own to a place where you and Mary visited regularly and loved. It’s a massive undertaking so congratulate yourself on your achievement. As much as socialising is good, it’s doubly hard on your own and exhausting. And when you are feeling sad it just seems to bring all the sorrow of your other losses to the surface.
Along with my beloved partner, I have lost my parents, two siblings and a niece so know only too well when you are low everything seems to fill your head. Try and sleep tonight. Hopefully this afternoon’s infusion of wine will help! xx
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Thank you Jody. I really appreciate your support and response. I’ve just had a long conversation with a really good friend and she said something similar. Yes it is difficult being here for this visit - and I now feel much calmer and hopefully will be better placed in the morning. Again thank you for your help.
Much love, with thanks. Nigel xxx
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Nigel alcohol can act as a depressant so thats maybe the reason 2nt xxx
Hopefully you will feel better in the morning xxx
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I find that I feel down cause you have a lovely time and company and for a little while you don’t feel so lonely.
At 46 weeks I now know he isn’t coming back- I’m frightened of loosing the moments we shared. It seems so long ago that he was in hospital - another world, another life. Another house and before I knew I would have cancer. Before my son went to Uni and my daughter was the number 2 hammer thrower for her age in the country. Before my sister’s mast broke in the southern ocean and she had to sail on a jury rig 800 miles. Before my Mum and Dad both fell on the stairs.
Before my heart was broken and I had to find a way of carrying on - I don’t know how - but some how.
Stop the world turning please. I want to go back. Just please for one last hug - one last kiss - why does time go on?
We are all doing ok! You are doing amazing Nigel. Jodi is right - be kind and gentle with your heart xxx
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@KtG … reading your words felt as though I was saying them myself:
[quote=“KtG, post:2734, topic:93682”]
Before my heart was broken and I had to find a way of carrying on - I don’t know how - but some how.
Stop the world turning please. I want to go back. Just please for one last hug - one last kiss -
[/quote]
My husband suffered a tragic surfing accident, was rushed to the hospital as a John Doe, died multiple times in the ambulance, in the intensive trauma center, and somehow was stabilized long enough for my son and I to find him, hold his hand, sing to him and read him his last rites. I have no idea if he could hear us or feel us. He was completely unresponsive except for one tear that the neurosurgeon told me was not what I hoped it was. No matter how hard I hoped.
We were together for twenty-seven of the most beautiful, loved, soulful, cherished years of my life. He was a deeply generous husband, father … a loved professor and coach.
With the incredible support of family and friends (in particular four lion-hearted women who have hardly left my side) I got ‘through’ the first 100 days - which coincided with Valentine’s Day and the day he asked me to marry him. Now on day 102 I feel a new lostness, rudderlessness, I just can’t quite put my finger on. And I don’t entirely know how to try.
So yes, just one last hug, one last kiss … please.
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I know that would be wonderful to do but then we would have to lose them all over again and that would be just unbearable, I don’t think I could cope with that xxx
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Ignore the neurosurgeon. You know in your heart what that tear meant.
My husband had three periods of brachycardia during which he appeared unconscious unable to speak only able to move a little. he knew and could hear everything and he told me so after.
He was also unconscious in ICU and later would not remember things but that he knew I was there each and every time I know. When I spoke to him, he would do things that he wouldn’t do for the nurses and doctors like open his eyes, or squeeze my hand, or touch my face.
He heard you. They say hearing is one of the last senses to leave.
He felt you.
He felt your love.
He knew you were there.
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Thank you … I really appreciate you sharing your experience … and yes, in my heart I do so very much want to trust that he heard me, could feel me or sense me in some larger, unexplainable way … with so much love.
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Nigel, you’re tired. Go to bed. It was a long day of socializing which is exhausting. But, it was nice to enjoy the afternoon, yes? Five hours is a long time to keep up the facade. You are exhausted.
Robinarielle, yes, be comforted knowing that your husband was aware of your presence. I am so sorry that he died so tragically. It is a nightmare from which you can not wake and must be even more so when it is the result of an accident.
Moving stuff. Packed up the SUV with thrift store delivery stuff and cleared the foyer! Man cave next. Went through the broiler pan collection. Gees. More than half to be tossed. Then, Bumble Fingers dropped them all onto concrete, big clatter and I shouted “I’m okay”. To whom, I don’t know.
My sweet friend with the bad heart is resting at home, being taken care of by her daughters and husband. She is so weak, she needs help to do everything.
22 weeks. Seems all I managed to do is sort things. Surely, this isn’t how it will be until I go - just waking and sorting and sleeping. The sorting will end, yes? Then other things can fill those hours? Right? I feel as though I can’t leave the house until it is all done. All my ducks must be in a row before I move forward. Anyone else?
Very tired at only 8:30p. Think I’ll nap to some murder mysteries.
Love
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5.00 am and been awake since 3.30! Tired but can’t sleep! Thank you everyone for your love and support earlier. I guess I do push myself but I can’t help that. I hadn’t realised how much socialising on one’s own, with even just two others, takes out of you, but I guess you’re doing twice as much as you would if there were two of you as well!
I wonder if I can get back to sleep for a while?
Much love. Nigel xxx
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Nigel, socializing drains us because we are in 2 places at once. We are both there and present, and far away in memory land and grief.
Sorry you are up so early. Have some scrambled eggs, a glass of milk and go back to sleep.
Or, sing to the sunrise.
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I can’t sleep either!
Awake since my daughter woke me st 1.30.
Headache - discomfort from radiotherapy- worry because I can’t find the USB stick with all the valuable information on it…
Trying to stop my brain from overthinking and over drive.
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Peaches, I feel like you, waking, sorting , more sorting, then maybe a few hours sleep. I actually had help yesterday and what a difference it made. My daughter and SIL came over and fitted the carpet and it looks great, one room finished completely. Next job on the list was the dreaded loft, they were on a mission, he handed everything down to us and cleared the whole loft, I’m surprised my loft didn’t cave in with the amount of stuff in it. My whole downstairs had stuff everywhere. You wouldn’t believe the mess but we put the seats down in my car, it’s a big estate Honda CRV so it can take a lot. Why did I have 5 rugs in the loft? Cases! I’m not telling you how many of them were there, you just wouldn’t believe the stuff. When we got to the dump I told my daughter about the two grumpy men that work there lol. She started chatting them up and lo and behold they both came and helped me unload the car, she said we have time to make another trip, so we filled the car up to the brim and went again, it closed at 4.15 but she said we will make it, they were changed out their working clothes and starting to close up but again they rallied round and helped and started telling us about his wife going to New Orleans for a Conference and a wee jolly holiday, Cant Believe the change in them but I will be back again today myself, we will see if they are so helpful. We filled up my glass bin with all sorts of lovely glasses but as the charity shop full that’s where they went. I can’t believe that’s the loft cleared. SIL checked the boiler and said it’s fine but needs a new small valve fitted, so he will come and drain the system and fit this valve, will only take half an hour. That would have taken me months to do all that and remember I was filling five bags almost every day from it as well.
I didn’t go home with them as I was asked for dinner but wanted to clean the rest of house and get rid of the last of the stuff, my car if full again.
After that I crashed out, went to bed and didn’t wake up till 5am.
Nigel, I’m glad you enjoyed your lunch but we are on such an emotional roller coaster just now, it’s bound to get us at every turn of that wheel. I felt elated getting the loft cleared but afterwards it like I’ve cleared another bit of my lovely husband away. I hope today is better for you. I’m trying to prepare myself for what I’m about to do in Turkey but I don’t think I can. I’m reading and feeling your emotions every day what you are going through. In a way I’m glad I’m not staying in the apartment, I’m not sure I could have coped as well as you are. You are doing great.
What will we do after all the sorting is done? Will we start living again. That’s for a future chapter to decide.
Have a good day everyone xxxx
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Ktg.
I think our mind goes into overdrive during the night, I hope your daughter was ok calling at that time although I used to tell mine when she was at Uni, my phone is always on call me anytime . You will prob find the USB in the morning.
It’s going to take a long time for your body to heal after treatment. Be kind to yourself.
As we were clearing out yesterday, my daughter finally agreed for me to give my Grandson my husbands Apple Watch which he used to tell him he would only get it if he died, he was joking at that time but he did ask me if he could get it , my daughter wasn’t keen on him having it. He went home with the chess board he also made for him and the chess pieces, took him months to make it. That’s another little bit of him gone but my grandson was happy and talks about him all the time which is nice.
I hope you managed a wee sleep. I can’t imagine waking up one morning and not having something to do, it’s going to be very weird. My mind is already twirling thinking I need to get rid of all that stuff in car this morning. The man cave will be last big thing to finally clear.
Look after yourself and I hope you have a good day 
xx
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Thanks Peaches, I did get back to sleep - but I couldn’t wait till 7.45 for the sunrise here in France!
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