Two weeks of widowhood.

[KtG]

I found it quite hard dealing with the clothes.
My son went through them first because my husband would often give him clothes that he’d finished with anyway.
It didn’t feel weird seeing him wearing those clothes for that reason.
And then my dad was saying that he needed some short sleeve shirts because he had an injury and I thought that’s silly, but I found it harder seeing my father wearing a couple of his shirts.
All the football staff went to his brother.
And there were a couple of pieces that I gifted to people specifically.
I gave a lot to the British heart foundation as my husband died from heart failure.
Some of the stuff they’ll sell for rags if they can’t sell it in the shop itself.

I still have some things in the cupboard which I can’t face giving away at this point in time. I have a cardigan which I’ve kept which sounds crazy, but I do hold it at times and I have sprayed it with his aftershave. I still have his wedding suit. That I couldn’t get rid of.

And I couldn’t get rid of some of his West Ham stuff. I just couldn’t. I also wear his socks.

And have said before I’m now 42 weeks in and it was a long time before I dealt with many of his clothes.

It’s good to see people enjoying some of the things for example my Son went to the races and he wore a jacket which
my husband Had bought, especially for bath races a few years ago.

But the core of me still cries out why?

[Carly1]

I know exactly what you mean. Its the silence that make these noises more pronounced.
I keep hearing what is like a light socket switch being turned on or off .
Awful being on your own and having no one to talk to .
No one there to reassure you , .
We are not meant to be on our own , we are supposed to be one half of another

[Mbg]

I miss the reassurance of sharing a problem. The worry of not being able to solve something alone. My confidence has deserted me. I am angry with myself I am angry he left me x

[PeachesDixon]

Weeks ago, i pulled a bunch of “Polo” type shirts out of my husband’s closet with intent to take them to the homeless mission house. But, a cousin came and took them as well as the underpants and undershirts to victims of the flood in North Carolina. I gave away a leather bomber, a cashmere long coat and some hunting clothes to friends and relatives, then closed the door and can’t enter now. I don’t want to face it. The next things to go will be the socks - hundreds of pairs it seems.

Marnee, it is not any easier with men’s clothes. I remember every purchase and I can envision him in every shirt, etc. While it is easy to gift things to the girls, the boys are indeed much tougher. Perhaps Mary’s favored books/cookbooks/artwork/rosaries/holy statues/Catechism?

Arguing in a dream represents an unresolved issue in my life. Well, yeah. Duh.

And, no surprise, the sink did not arrive today.

Dinner with friends tomorrow night to celebrate a birthday. My hall is cleared! I put the bins on the street for tomorrow.

After some discussions with my insurance agent, the bill is down $7,000.00. Good start.

Mbg, it is okay to be angry about being left to struggle through living alone and doing everything yourself. Just repeat “I can do this” over and over. Your subconscious will make a way.

Ktg, there are things I will not let go such as my husband’s wedding tuxedo. It will stay with me until I go.

I think I am doing well, but yesterday I made soup without the onion that the recipe calls for because I didn’t have an onion. Guess what? I did, and do, have a large onion which is sitting 8 inches from the cooktop. It is right next to the garlic pod which I did use some of in the soup.

Mardi Gras wreath on the front door. I’m festive.

Much love to all.

[Georgi]

Peaches my milk is not working 2nt, every time I try the coughing starts, going to be a long night.
My husband’s wardrobes are exactly as he left them, our oldest grandson has taken a couple of jackets and a pair of trainers but thats about it !
I’m in no hurry to dispose of them, the wardrobes are in the second bedroom so I’m happy to leave them ! Probably weird to some but not to me xxx
What time is it with you ?

[Debsie1]

Georgi I have been awake for 2 hours. Maybe I should try some milk. Tired but not sleepy. Yes I will get a glass now.

[Stevie3]

I lost my wife of 24 years suddenly im in the wide awake club

[Debsie1]

I have given up on tonight. Only got 2 hours. Personal worst. I know it will pull me down all day. I predict quite a few tears. Maybe a nap later.

[Stevie3]

Thats exactly how i feel i have still got lots of paper work to do and still waiting for the death certificates

[Oscar3]

Its not nice i am over 10 months since my wife passed i still have those nights what i always do is talk to her and day she is in a better place the way the world is but it still dont take away the pain of being on your own

[Nigel-Marnee]

Thank you everyone. I guess it’s also the quantity and where to even start that is frightening me. It’s a bit overwhelming! It’s always been a standing joke that when everyone else had just a carry on bag for a long weekend away, Mary would have that plus two cases in the hold. Or so it seemed!

I expect you’ll relate to a woman in high power business environments and what it was ‘expected’ of them to wear. Well Mary would go just one step more! Although all the smart suits have long gone, there’s plenty that’s taken their place in the wardrobes. I stopped counting at 160 tops and jumpers - over 50 still unworn, 50 pairs of jeans, over 100 pairs of shoes, including very expensive ‘wedding’ shoes, again some unworn, skirts and then all her ‘posh’ stuff! Those were for dinner parties, church do’s, baptisms, confirmations, our 25th wedding anniversary, the children’s and other people’s weddings and such like. Some of the wedding outfits will, I’m sure, have cost well over £500 pounds each, then there’s the bespoke, hand made wedding hats - she’d never divulge the cost of those - of which there are a number. Then a pile of nightwear (a metre high) and dressing gowns, 6 or 7 beautiful kaftans. Drawers full of underwear, all of which would rival most clothes shops!

Mary loved shopping as you’ll have guessed, and always said she couldn’t take any money with her when she died, so spend it while you can! Sometimes she changed three or four times a day. Even if she’d just worn something for an hour or so to church, it would be in the wash. Three wash loads a day was normal. She even had two washing machines - one for ‘clean’ clothes and one for ‘dirty’ clothes. I can hear you all having a giggle by now - I know I am! She certainly isn’t the richest person in the graveyard, but … that was Mary - take it or leave it!

Sorry - I was a bit down today and writing this has cheered me up hugely!

Oh how I love and miss her and her foibles and little routines!

[Nigel-Marnee]

So sorry for your sleepless night Debsie, it’s so hard to function the next day isn’t it. Oddly my best nights seem to be those where I know I have to get up to take my granddaughter to school.

Hope you get a better night tonight. M xxx

[Debsie1]

Marnee - you certainly seem to have your work cut out there. It rather depends if you want to go down the route of selling anything. It sounds like you could make quite a bit of money but it is a lot of faff. Unless you have a young family member that needs to raise funds for something. I suggest you start with the drawers, and any of the boring day to day items that can just go to charity. Don’t look at the whole - just do sections. Our local freemasons wanted thick coats for the homeless so I gave them 2 large binbags full which made a start. Coats take up a lot of space so I did those then the shoes. I really only did a few items at a time, it doesn’t feel too bad doing it that way. If you don’t want to go down the selling route the charity shops would love you and may even come to collect.

Good luck - it seems you will need it.

[Nigel-Marnee]

Debsie, thank you! I forgot the coats - gave 4 brand new ones to my eldest daughter on Saturday, and one is up for sale, but there’s another 17 in the coat wardrobe in our garage as well! Oh dear.

I’d love to just get rid of the lot - Mary would have done that - but as the executor I have to maximise the estate value, so anything of value has to be realised - especially as there are a couple of loans and credit cards to clear after I’ve paid the funeral costs. Seems harsh to have to do that to give the money to a bank though! But your suggestions are really sensible.

Why does something so little tip us over the edge? Just opened a letter from the DVLA confirming her car has been transferred into my name, and at least they had actually read my letter and not cancelled the newly set up tax in my name! Then - final sentence ‘please return the driving licence belonging to the late keeper giving full name address and date of birth’. That sounds so final - and good grief, those details are on the b****y licence anyway!!! ‘Late keeper’! They know her name! Threw me into one of those dreadful bawling states - and can’t go to see my daughter as she’s people round. Everyone else is at work, and I shouldn’t worry her as she’s been off with work related stress since early November, and then her mum died! She’s already on anxiety medication as is her son, after a drugs problem, and her daughter is self harming. I’ve other family on anxiety meds, and my son and daughter’s marriage is on the rocks - completely!

What more can God throw at us! He’s sorely testing me and us all with all this!

Sorry - didn’t mean to say all this - just one of those days. I’ll be OK - I’ve to pick up a grandson from school later so must get myself together.

Thank you. Much love M xxx

[Georgi]

Debsie, I have a migraine starting because of lack of sleep last night, there are always consequences after a sleepless night, doesn’t help gardeners outside with noisy machinery🤬
The thing about having a nap during the day for me would mean another sleepless night tonight, I’m like one of those nodding dogs people used to have in their cars

[Georgi]

Stevie, I am so sorry for your loss, the early days are very hard, sorting out paperwork can be a distraction but most times its just a nightmare , it will be 2 yrs in May since I lost my husband of 47 yrs and have found this forum a great help, they’re a lovely bunch of people on here and can help with any problems you may have around paperwork etc.
Take care and take it one day at a time x

[Georgi]

Marnee you are having a very tough time at the moment, its so difficult when things are complicated re finances, on top of your family having their own issues too, it must be terrible when your grieving, I’m so sorry your going through this and wish you luck in getting things sorted ASAP xxx

[Georgi]

Debsie my worst night was when I was awake the whole night and got up at 8, later in the day as expected I got a migraine ! I stayed up all day, but then I was on night duty for 36 years so used to surviving on very little sleep xxx

[Debsie1]

Georgi - just had to endure a hair appointment to colour my hair and now have that migraine. I have had one the last 2 days too so cannot really take any more of my meds. I am hoping a chocolate biscuit and a cuppa will help. I won’t have time for that nap now as need to pop out and get some bread and I want to make sure I sleep tonight.

[Debsie1]

Marnee - things sure are tough. Someone asked me if I have noticed that everyone seems to be having a tough time at the moment and it does seem that most people are carrying a burden. I try to be thankful for what I have. I am warm and well fed and my children are a good bunch. There are people living on the streets who have no one. Its sometimes hard to see beyond your own pains.

Take care