Two weeks of widowhood.

Losing a partner
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4:45 am! Don’t tell me off! I didn’t eat yesterday as I had an upset stomach and was feeling sick, and couldn’t face cooking the salmon I’d defrosted or even a takeaway. Went to bed at 6:00 pm and slept fitfully until about 4:00 am. So many things going round in my head about past events and why certain things happened (not just recently but years ago). Questions I wish I’d asked, things we should have spoken about. Things I now know about her supposedly happy childhood, much spent in Ireland (when it is now apparent this wasn’t always the case). Mary was always known as someone who could keep a secret - I always knew she’d been told a secret by my ex wife and had told her she’d never tell me. (Mary told me that much and I never pressed her to tell me) She never did! There are things I want to ask but I’ll never now know the answers! They’re not things that would have affected our relationship/love for each other but they’re things she’d never talk about. She never explained why we always had to turn off Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty. It just had to be turned off immediately. I guess it reminded her of her ex husband (not my girls father) whose name she never uttered, an episode in her life she’d rather had never happened. He was controlling and probably abusive which makes her subsequent trust in me all the more special.

Sorry I’ve rambled on, but felt I needed to unburden myself!

Will have to try to eat this morning though I guess! I was invited out for a meal tonight but have cancelled as I can’t face a carvery meal at the moment. So it’ll either be the salmon or the left overs from Saturday. M xxx

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Marnee, you need some chicken soup, saltines and 7-Up. Where are all the ladies in the neighborhood? Here, when there is a widower, the widows and single women rush to see who is first in with a casserole. A woman I know got 2 husbands that way!

It is okay to not eat for a day, you won’t evaporate. I find that meat of any kind is no longer appetizing, was a lacto, pesio, vegan when I met my husband and am returning to it naturally. Meat is beginning to make me gag as it did years ago.

There are always things we wish we would have talked about, things we wish we would have said, guilty memories of when we could have handled things better. Try not to ruminate on those things. Instead remember all the times you shared your inner thoughts without judgment or rejection. If Mary wanted to talk about her secrets, she would have shared them with you, but those are things that happened before you and, for her, were best unsaid. We are all entitled to our secrets, sometimes they are not worth reliving by telling. Believe me, when you join her in Heaven, you’ll know.

The song that I have to turn off is “Dust in the Wind” as it was the first song on the radio as I drove home after finding out that my friend had been murdered. We were 23 at the time and he was such a nice guy, educated, smart, good looking and ambitiously working in his father’s successful business. An only son, killed by a 25 year old psycho over a girl. Such a waste. The murderer is in the Angola Penitentiary which is literally surrounded by alligator infested swamp, for life. No one escapes and it is no place anyone wants to live in. Harsh. The prisoners must raise their own food, farming and raising livestock while watched by armed guards on horseback and usually chained together at the ankles. They also make our car license plates. He deserves worse.

Marnee, I enjoy your posts, never worry about rambling. I do it all the time just to get my thoughts out and tell someone how my day is going.

I hope you are well soon. Was it something you ate?

Much love.

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Lizzy, I hope you find the battery, the sander isn’t much use without it is it? It’s possible it’s in another tool, as one battery can often be used with several tools? I wonder what all those other things were, and yes, chances are I have something similar too! I’ve some (just a few) things I’ve bought and never used, and why have I got three identical hot glue guns? :rofl::rofl::rofl:

When you start to sand that wall, please wear a mask. That dust is just not good for anyone to breathe in!

Take care. M xxx

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Peaches, thank you - you always seem to make such sense! I’ve a couple of good widowed friends, and yes, although a couple have been round, as has my ex-wife, no one’s brought food. One is the ex mother in law of my daughter next door, one her current MIL, and one is the woman I had to meet for that errand Mary asked me to run when she died. But none I didn’t already know well, and were Mary’s friends. They probably know I did most of the cooking, as Mary hated that! Mind you, my eldest son, a good cook, and his wife have twice had me round for dinner and sent me home with several dishes to freeze, and my DIL (wife of youngest son) has also had me round for Sunday roast, as has my eldest daughter, has sent round dishes from her school - she works as a dinner lady! My daughter next door is in the middle of a large extension , and only has one microwave to cook with at the moment. I should be cooking for them I think!

I was probably more worried about my ex coming round, twice for 2 hours at a time! She’s still married, but not to the guy she ran off with, and Mary remained a good friend to her despite everything. I first met Mary as she was my new next door neighbour, when she reversed her car up the drive and off the 9 inch drop at the side. We’ve laughed about that so often.

I know I shouldn’t dwell on what might have happened in the past, but I and the ex MIL mentioned above are the only people who know some things. There’s some things only I know! Even Mary’s 2 biological daughters don’t know about any of the things I know. So I really have no one I can talk to about these. There’s absolutely nothing Mary did wrong but with some things, we can feel guilt because of the actions of others. I think that was the situation.

I think I had a beer too many with my next door daughter up the pub on Saturday, followed by a decent glass of Jim Beam! :beer::beer::beer::beer::beer::tumbler_glass:

Thanks so much for reading my previous post and making sensible comments back. Have a good day. M xxx

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Peaches, That murder of your friend must have been awful. I can’t really imagine what that’s like. Although we have many knife murders in London and elsewhere, it’s never darkened my door, thankfully. I wish we had sentences like you do though. Our judicial system just seems so soft, and “woke”. Imprisoning people for speaking the truth on social media, because someone finds it “offensive”! And insufficient length of sentences in many cases. We don’t have enough prisons and no one will build more!

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Georgi, your story very similar to mine. Met my husband at 19, engaged 3 months later and another 7 months to our wedding, and no not pregnan either although both of my sister were when they got married. My parents met at Christmas and married in March. I never asked why the rush and my sister was born a whole year later. People seem to need 2 years to plan a wedding now but he swept me off my feet and we just wanted to be together. He’s the only man I ever loved and I have never looked at another.

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Peaches so sorry for your friends mum. It must have been hard for them to watch her fade awsy but I know you will be there for them. I suspect the funeral will be hard bringing emotions to the surface.

I don’t have caffeine after 5pm although I think they recommend not after 1pm. It helps my migraines though. Another one last night and unusually my meds didn’t work. Worried they may have stopped working for me, that would be a disaster. Had 15 migraine days last month.

I do want a cat but will pass on your very kind offer.

I think in a marriage you take care of each other. Its nice being taken care of so we let them. Now we have to take care of ourselves with no one to catch us when we fall. It takes some getting used to. I tell myself I can do these scary things, I just don’t always believe myself.

Take care

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Marnee, it was very strange but as I was reading your post they played Baker Street on the radio. It always reminds me of an ex I had but I like the record, he was a very big mistake. I always turn off Proud Mary by Tina Turner. Its not because of memories I just hate it. Always turn up Echo Beach by Martha and the Muffins it always makes my happy. Again no reason. Music is so emotive to me. I must start learning this keyboard. I have a feeling I will be rubbish at it thoughh!

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I was the same met at 16 engaged at 17 married at 18 some said to young 49 years married until sharon passed my best friend and love of my life

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Spooky Debsie! That song will now always remind me of Mary. I love it! And you’re right music is so emotional, especially all the groups we went to see. I’ve got Elkie Brookes booked for next week and Al Stewart booked for later in the year so I’ll have to find someone to go with me now I guess!

I’ve the most beautiful keyboard/piano of Mary’s. I trained to grade 8 as a child so maybe I could try to recall those days. I can read all the music, so maybe I’ll give it a try!

M xxx

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Marnee, I actually found two glue guns, you are ahead of him, now there’s a thought, maybe I need to go looking for other tools that might fit it. I did find two chargers that look the same but only one had the battery in it which doesn’t fit the sander. I have a good mask already looked out, I wear one when painting as well. Learned the hard way a few years ago painting a radiator, ended up in hospital with pneumonitis as I couldn’t breathe properly.

Peaches, I’m so sorry that your mom’s friend has finally passed away, as you said it’s a blessing but still hard for the family and very draining for them. I sat with my sister for three weeks before she passed. In fact I said to her in the morning that she better not be here when I come back later and said goodbye to her, I had to work that day, when I finished work, my niece called me and told me to come over quickly. She was gone before I reached the house.

I was engaged when I was only 17 to my first husband, we also married at 19, he cheated on me 32 years later, I thought I would never cope with the betrayal. I met my husband a year later, married him within 6 months, we would have been married12 years next month, the happiest years of my entire life, I have no idea how I will cope now.

When I read all your posts, I think we could write a very interesting book, we all have had highs and lows in our lives, I wonder what the next chapter in our lives will be, hopefully happy ones, take care everyone, keep well xxx🤗

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Debsie, you won’t believe this! I was just taking my granddaughter to school and on came Baker Sreet! What?

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Marnee - she is messing with you!

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Peaches, We need some jails like that in this country, they are far too soft on criminals x

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Debsie I feel the same xxx

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I finally had a dream of my husband!

Unfortunately, I was seething, screaming at him about who knows what.

I must be mad at him deep inside for leaving me. I never screamed at him in life.

I’ll have to google the meaning.

Hugs.

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My husband was also in my dream. He was eating a bacon roll in a shop so he wouldn’t have to pay for it. Not the dream I hoped for but it’s a start.

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Peaches, I think it’s normal to get mad but I don’t think we really mean it against our dear departed, just the situations we’ve been left in. On Saturday I was so angry - simply because I took a glass that Mary always used out of the dishwasher - it nearly ended up smashed against the wall.

Today I took down all the sympathy and Christmas cards saying the same. I’d not touched them since they started arriving in November. Mass cards had even been arriving when she was in hospital. One of the celebrants was her local priest, or ‘brother’ is perhaps more accurate, and one celebrant was her cousin - very high up on the Catholic Church. He’s a Reverend Monsignor Canon, but just John to me. I made a list of all the cards so I can actually thank people. I’d not even really read them before, just looked at who they were from. I guess that is some sort of challenge beaten - but it was so sad reading them all. I’ve not got rid of them, they’re all in a box file. Binning them seemed too final. I know my daughters and sons haven’t even put them up - just boxed them as they arrived.

I’m trying to find keepsakes for all the grandchildren, but it’s hard to find anything for the boys. Girls are easy! One of my granddaughters, a real stunning photogenic girl, who should have been a child model, asked me if she could have Mary’s hairdryer. She’s the one who wears the false eyelashes, does fabulous make up and really tries to look her best. Not a favourite, they’re all beautiful of course, but she is just so different to the others, it stands out. A real ‘skate’. She’s also the one who texts me to check I’m OK on a regular basis. Well it’s a Dyson - and very expensive - but what could I say? I’m a bit of a soft touch when it comes to my grandchildren! Mary could never say no to them and I can’t either. I still have the original box, and I’ve packed it up for her - I know she’ll look after it and treasure it, because it was her Nana’s hairdryer. I’m also trying to find some things to give to her best friends and one cousin - who were like sisters to her. But that’s actually hard, knowing what they might like, what they gave Mary in the past etc… Then there’s her Franciscan family. I’d like them to have something, so if I can find enough Tau Cross pins and broaches, I’ll give them one each, even though they probably have their own, as it will be special having one of Mary’s I think.

Can I ask, how have you all found it going through clothes? I’ve not really started on those yet. Maybe man’s clothes are not so difficult - I don’t know. My granddaughter next door is the only one who is the same bust size as Mary was, so I’ll give her all the bras. There’s a lot and all around £40.00 each - with some being very new. Poor girl is only 14 and already a 38 inch DD/E fit, and suffers from anxiety and mental health issues. Very self conscious too. I’m hoping a care home might find a use for night clothes and underwear. Nothing too “sexy” though!!! Mary preferred “pretty” with comfort over anything else.

Hope you’re all doing OK today - still not eaten but might try some soup in a bit, and see how that goes. Took Imodium earlier which seems to have done the trick, but just not very hungry!

Much love to you all. M xxx

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@Nigel-Marnee
I think you’re right it might be a little easier with Men’s clothes. I’ve actually been wearing some of my husband’s clothes, and I’m sure you won’t be doing that with Mary’s!

He was probably only a size or sometimes two bigger than me and we wore many similar things, sporty outdoor gear type. So I wear his t-shirts in bed and at some stage may use some for the gym when I make myself go again. In this cold spell I dug out a pair of nice fleecy pyjama bottoms he had which’ve been great. And most days indoors I wear one of his fleeces, they have much better zip pockets for a phone too, than girls ones do.

I started with the easy stuff so his pyjamas and hospital dressing gowns and stuff like that went in a charity bag. Also all his old work shirts and lots of ties the same and the boring work trousers and the like. I kept some special ties, so have accepted I will end up with a nostalgia collection of some of his clothes at least for a while. But the shoes… heck, for a bloke he had a load of shoes, boots etc. and many barely worn.

I have put some of his best stuff, like his Rohan suits aside to maybe try and sell.
The hardest things are the special stuff, even things he kept himself as nostalgia items like t-shirts from holidays like Cuba. I put our matching cycle gear, for wearing on our tandems, up in the loft years ago when he could no longer cycle. They’ll be hard. Maybe I’ll keep his and get rid of mine since I’ve put on weight since then and then maybe that’ll persuade me one day to get back on a bike.

So I reckon tackle what you can and don’t expect a complete solution immediately. I thought promising myself I could expand into his wardrobe and have a winter one and a summer one might be motivation enough… but even that didn’t work. His wardrobe is like a stuffed tardis.

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Marne I didn’t have a problem clearing most of his clothes. Just take the easy stuff first. I still have some I have kept for now. His bands T-shirts which often have memories to gigs we went to. A coat which was the last present I bought him. A fleece that he looked really good in and I wore for a while when I first lost him. And his motorbike jacket. I sold new stuff he hadn’t worn and some leather jackets the rest went to the charity shops or bin if tatty. I may clear more later but sometimes you need to do things in stages.

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