It’s been two years since she died. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her - she was so young, so beautiful, full of life. She was my second chance after a divorce. We met by accident, dated on purpose. She was my girlfriend, my best friend. She made me laugh, and I made her laugh, and it was a good time in my life.
I’m doing better now; eating healthy, walking, not drinking so much anymore. I’ve been to counseling, have written about it all, about her. Her absence consumed me for a year, and then things eased, and every day was a little better. Of course, it’s nights like these, like every weekend, when I miss her the most. And I’m angry about her death, I’m angry at being alone, I’m angry at how this turned out. I sure didn’t think this would be my life in my 50s.
Friends and family don’t ask how I’m doing anymore. I’m sure it’s more of not knowing what to say as much as assuming I’m fine. And I say I’m fine and get on with things. I can focus again and work and read and write again. It was two years of hell, watching her get sick and sicker and it’s been two years of hell missing her. But I’m feeling a jumble of emotions from guilt that I’m doing better, sadness that this is the way things are now, and the grief of acceptance.
I found this site by accident and don’t know if anyone will see it or not, but I just wanted to say something to someone, anyone. Someone who gets it, someone like me.
So sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing It’s been only 8 weeks since my husband died, your post gives me hope that I can get better with time. Indeed I also never thought to become a widow in my 50s - not a nice club to be part of
Hi @Phillips I have just written a separate post about my feelings today. Weekends I find tougher - is that the same for you?
My partner was my wonderful second chance too after my marriage ended and was my perfect man. Can you tell us a little more more about your lovely partner who you say was so full of life. She sounds wonderful.
Grief I think is a journey not a destination and it sounds like today is a particularly difficult day. Anything to make that happen or just general thoughts and feelings being more acute than normal.
18months for me and I feel the same as you. The sadness has settled to the bottom of your soul, then something happens to stir it up and it swirls all around you. The missing never seems to go away. You find you miss even the silly mundane things. Yesterday I remembered how he didn’t shut the loo door. Yes I miss that. When you think how many people out there over the years have lost their loves who carry on and survive. Mine was my first love at the age of 19. 44 years married. He was 66. It wasn’t enough. We now need to love ourselves instead. I wish you the best for the future.
Hi I completely get you my husband my person my best friend soul mate was cruelly taken at 50 2½yrs ago too after a battle with leukemia for 2½yrs. No one who hasn’t been through it understands what it is like to be helpless to make it better. You are not alone. There are good days and not so good days but I know one thing they would want us to get our backsides out of bed early and not waste a day. I put a thought in my head that they didn’t ask to pass and we would be doing them an injustice wasting the chance we have by dwelling on what has happening rather than living as they don’t have that chance. That thought has really helped me get through the pain that will always be there the hole never gets filled but it gets cushioned. Sending much love
I really understand how you feel. I’m just 7 months into grieving And don’t feel any better about things at all. That initial brain fog has lifted but I’m still anxious and scared. I’m angry about everything. Angry at God for taking my partner at age 66. I keep thinking how did it all end like this? We were together for almost 40 years. I function on a day to day basis but there’s no joy left in my life. It feels like a pointless existence. I’m glad that you’re feeling a little better after two years. I don’t think I can survive two years. Friends keep telling me to see my GP for some medication. I just tell them there’s no magic pill that cures grief.
Hi Sarloupy, where were you living in Spain. I met my lovely wife in London when I was working there. I saw a pretty girl walking past and that was that,. I followed her to her home in San Sebastian in the north of Spain. Unfortunately two years ago she was diagnosed with bile duct cancer. She was given five months to live so we closed our business the same day. Fortunately she managed to survive two years before finally getting an infection that she couldn’t deal with and died in my arms. Although we had plans for retiring early in a few years to enjoy a little after so many years working. I can’t but count myself fortunate to have loved and been loved by such a beautiful person. Not everyone has been so lucky and even though life seems empty and lonely now I still feel blessed to have met her all those years ago at eighteen. I now feel an obligation to make proud some how.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Hi Tom its seems our experience has been quite similar. We had a cafe bar in Murcia and we had to close for covid and it was just after we were allowed to open the 2nd time in April 2021 he got diagnosed with AML he fought it like a warrior for 2½ yrs but he caught an infection and he just didn’t have anymore fight left in him. I moved back to Wales a year ago after trying to do it alone in Spain for a year and half but it was so hard as people carry on their lives when yours have changed
Hi Sarloupy, we had an English academy and we also had to close during COVID but we managed to set up classes online so we didn’t suffer in the same way at all. We met so many people many, much younger than us who had cancer of one type or another and all but one have died. It’s such an awful tragedy. I hope you find some peace back in Wales. Wishing you all the best
Tom
Hello Anita, I lost my husband 5 weeks ago, im also a widow in my 50s. All my friends still have their spouses. They don’t understand what im going through, my husband was my everything. Light, that’s what my husband called me, I was his light.
It does get better - eventually, maybe better isn’t the best word, maybe manageable. Some good days, some sad. I miss her everyday, but I don’t break down like i used to. I hope you find peace, but I know it is so hard.
Thank you, yes - I’ll share something I wrote about her. She was so lovely. Yes, last night was so sad - every Saturday evening is sad. That was our constant date night - sometimes dinner or music out, other times just being on the patio talking. I miss her daily, but weekends are the worst.
Thank you - appreciate that. I think my friends and family not asking anymore is the hardest part. They don’t get it, can’t understand it. She told me to go live a few days before she died, told me to move on… but it is hard to do so. Thanks again,
It is really hard that part especially as we have to see them carrying on as if nothing has happened which is somewhat understandable but doesn’t make it any easier for us. Sending big hugs x
Well it seems like there are plenty of those hugs on this site I’m so glad I found it. Makes me feel like I’m not alone after all sending big huge to you
