It is good to be reminded that, despite the pain, there may just be some moments of relief. Right now I am looking for some purpose in life. I am hoping that will come back and I try to be patient.
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I think thatās very hard to think aboutā¦. What your purpose is. Iām only 54 and my whole future with my hubby has been obliterated. All our hopes and dreams and plans for retirement gone. I may have 20 or 30 years leftā¦.so finding purpose is non existent. Thatās why Iām trying not to look too far aheadā¦. It fills me with anxiety. So I do the day to day stuff and meet friends and family which takes my mind off the pain for a little while. I just have to try and hope that Iāll find my way .
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@Elizabeth14 oh im so sorry to hear of your loss of your soulmate i get it as we all on here do too its devastating its so raw for you at the moment im still trying to come to terms of losing by beautiful Linda in oct last after 14 years together she was only 53 and were were due to marry this year she went into hosp for issues with her liver was getting treatment and responding well but then caught covid in there and took her in 3 days completely destroyed all our plans she was her mums carer who lives with us she cared for my dad to who was with us but i lost my dad in 2021 and now Linda too so i have taken over the roll of my linda to look after her mum full time despite my own health issue of heat problems i really hope you can see someone to help you though this horrid journey take it one day or even hour at a time its a long journey losing that one you had thought would be there forever i get it i thought so too miss my babe so much you try take care of you keep him in your heart he will always be there big hugs
Martin 
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@Elizabeth14
The thing is we donāt have an option other than trying to go forwards but itās very raw for you right now.
I had to see my doctor as I was a complete mess as others on here and I had no control over my thoughts. The meds have helped, Iām more logical but it doesnāt take grief away.
In some respects I am lucky in the fact as I have my house I am used to being on my own and coming into an empty house has never bothered me. For others on here it must be dreadful when theyāve been together for years n years in the same house. It could be a comfort or the exact oppositeā¦
The killer was when Johns son quite rightly has put the house up for sale. I have had to think that the house is bricks n mortar and needs to be lived in n loved. John isnāt there heās here with me in my house or wherever I goā¦
I absolutely know he is, he didnāt care where he was as long as we were together.
One day it will dawn on you as it did with me that we were so fortunate to have just a snippet of pure love, we wanted longer but that just wasnāt to be.
You will find strength to carry onā¦x
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Debs that is exactly how I feel , this pain is unbearable, our future , our plans together , stolen from us. I look at his pictures and I canāt stop crying. I need him and I want the pain to go away. I canāt bear being without him , Iām dying inside
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Elizabeth. I try and find some happy memories, i still shed a tear but I find it feels better.
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@Elizabeth14 i wish i had the answers to why our soulmates our loves are taken when they are if Iāve ask once Iāve asked a thousand time but no answer comes it is soul destroying i know try to think of the good bits you have had cherish those it is now all we have i know its not much but its all we have and nothing we wish or want will change it this is the price of love Iām afraid its a high cost i agree way high tears are our love with no other way out but through our eyes we all travel now on this journey we never asked for or wanted i afraid your love for him will always be there you will miss him terribly as i do my beautiful Linda every single second take small steps just breathe and think would he want you to be like this im sure he wouldnāt but how else would we be try take ever hour at a time donāt stop the pain let it come and let it roll over you like a wave just keep breathing and swimming in this mess what we find ourselves in take care of you im sending a hug if it helps
Martin
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Losing my partner has been so hard. My time with her was so wonderful.
Put both those things on a set of scales and although I have found the loss so hard and therefore heavy, it is no match for the over 52 years of happiness and joy, that my Elizabeth gave me. So I am rejoicing in my life with her and the two lovely children she gave me. I would do it all again and never mind the grief, it is nothing when compared with the joy.
And yes there is a tear in my eye
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I realise that the question I am about to pose is really randomā¦ but Iām desperately looking for answers, so I can make some kind of sense of the unbearable hell that weāre going through.
When you are truly, genuinely, authentically, āover-the-moon-happyā with your partner and your lifeā¦ is it possible for other peopleās jealousy, envy, resentment and spitefulness to cause harm to come to you?
In the same way that people can wish you wellā¦ can they also wish you harm?
Has anyone had any similar thoughts pop into their head?
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Elizabeth14
Sorry for your loss and how you feel. We are all experiencing such grief and it hurts like no other pain.
Keith my husband died 20 months ago and I seem to cry more now than ever. For me I think itās a build up as I lost my mum and younger
brother before Keith.
Today I have cried all day on and off.
We all just feel lost and confused as how to make things a bit better.
Hope today has been a bit better for everyone.
Take care and you are not alone.
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Heartofgold
Sorry for your loss. I have not had those thoughts you have had but many thoughts go through my head. Today I feel all the people I know are having a good time and I am so sad. Iām not resentful but sad I canāt seem to feel happiness any more even though I pretend.
I to am so grateful for the 48 years I spent with Keith but itās so hard without him here now.
Take care.
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Hello @HeartofGold. An important question. What is the background?
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Just why would anyone ? Does not make sense, I could understand "Arenāt they lucky I wish I was " . but that is it.
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Iāve not had those thoughts either, but some people can be spiteful at times, so it wouldnāt surprise me if they meant harm.
However, Iām afraid making sense of it all can sadly be a pipe dream. There are no answers.
The important thing now is for us all to look after ourselves so we can learn to live with this hell.
Take care 
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@Johnr
Enjoy your day with your family and your holiday to Walesā¦Hope the weather improves but just a change of scenery will do you goodā¦x
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@HeartofGold
Are you trying to say that you were deliriously happy and some people were envious and jealous and bitter of you bothā¦??
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Thanks I will certainly try to. Not too concerned about the weather as I have waterproofs.
You take care 
Mitzi , thank you for your kind words, especially as you said, we were fortunate to have just a snippet of pure love. I am really struggling right now, the pain is unbearable and I canāt see a way forward. Reading words from people who are suffering the same heartache helps
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@Jim68
Iām not sure about the background Jim to be honestā¦ itās just that weāve generally kept ourselves to ourselves and never caused any upset to anyone. Weāre very grounded and do not show-off or follow the crowds and trends. But, I have to sayā¦ over the years I have experienced how certain people have āturned on usā but for absolutely NO REASON whatsoever. So, there hasnāt been a disagreement or argument, or anything whatsover, but their attitude towards us has turned toxic and hateful. Even after racking our brains trying so hard to think of a reason whyā¦ and believe me we triedā¦ there actually was no reason. I believe there are people amongst us, be they, relatives/neighbours/friends, who probably do feel jealousy, envy, resentment and spite. Sadly, toxic people do exist. What weāre presented with at face-value, isnāt always how they truly feel about us. Not everyone necessarily has our best interests at heart. So, I supposeā¦ what Iām asking isā¦ can toxic people who envy you wish you harm, and does that carry any weight? After all, light cannot exist without darkness. I have felt certain peopleās jealousy and envy over the yearsā¦ Iām just questioning exactly how hateful they truly are, and whether they can wish for bad things to happen?
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Elizabeth14, so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 21 years on 26th May and am distraught. I have very bad days and then just bad days. Iāve contacted Cruse Bereavement counselling and have an appointment in 2 weeks to start. Like you we had so many plans for the future which are now gone. Iāve found talking to strangers on here is so much easier than to people I know who mean well but donāt understand fully. Everyone here is going through this and understand the pain, questions and uncertainty. Please seek counselling as I have. I donāt expect it to solve everything but hope it helps me understand, proces and learn to live with grief and not be ruled by it. Take care.
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