It is now 5 days since I lost him , I still can’t process it . He should be with me now , I just took it for granted that he would always be with me . I just want this pain to go away. I need him, I can’t continue living my life without him . I can’t get through to speak to someone at Cruse.
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If you can’t get through to Cruse, @Elizabeth14, maybe try the Samaritans on 116 123. Although not grief counsellors, they will listen if you need to talk.
Please do try to be gentle with yourself 
Take good care,
Seaneen
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Elizabeth, 5 days is very early, can you have a word with your gp about counselling. Please try and look after yourself. Remember if you need to vent and ramble do it.
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@Elizabeth14 its so raw these early days will be just a blur i know we have all been there talk on here of get to see your gp please even call 111 if you need to talk to someone they have a dedicated mental health team I’ve used it many times it gives you the option at the beginning of your call or yes samaritans too bit again they may be busy but keep trying sweetheart hugs look after you 
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Elizabeth14
It is early days Elizabeth. You are struggling because your brain is trying to process what has happened to you. Losing the most precious person in your life.
It is difficult to know who to turn to for help. You are probably having panic attacks and your emotions are everywhere. I hope you have a friend or family member with you.
Otherwise ring Samaritans or 111.
Your G P can give advice.
I feel for you. We have all been there in the early days and this life changing time.
Take care of yourself. Reach out for help wherever you can get in and keep talking to this community.
We all understand.
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We understand your pain Elizabeth. We don’t use clichés to try to help. We just share your pain and give you a virtual hug. We are all going through the same painful experience and we all need the same love. Please take care of yourself and remember that your life matters.
Oh, Elizabeth……my heart goes out to you. Today is 63 days since my Ian died. I keep going over it over and over in my mind. He was here at home, just as he wanted. I would have done anything, anything for him. We’d been together 55 years to that day. 7th April. I can’t bear it, but I have to, because of all the others who loved him - and me. Our children, their children and even their children. They all loved him. Parts of the remainder of that day has disappeared from my memory. I just can’t remember it. I was so shaken by it all, even though I’d cared for him throughout the previous year, as his health gradually deteriorated. I just never gave a thought to how I would feel when he finally died. This morning I was putting my shoes on before going to the local shop. I got one shoe on and just found myself in floods of tears, asking him where he had gone. It comes in waves, love. Keep coming here. We all know just how you feel, believe me. Xx
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@Jim68
I believe it’s perfectly possible Jim. I think it would be naive for me to think that everyone had my best interests at heart and wanted only the best for me. Unfortunately, people are just not like that, especially in today’s rather superficial and materialistic world! I’m 58 years old, and over time, I’m sad to say that I have encountered people’s negativity, and for absolutely no reason whatsoever. In fact, often the nicer, kinder and more pure a person you are… the more jealousy and envy you attract, because they see in you, what they, themselves don’t possess… whether that is happiness, kindness, purity etc. Light cannot exist without darkness. I totally do believe that there are people who are lacking, envious and resentful, who would wish you harm, if they’re that way inclined, because sadly I have experienced it. The thing is toxic people hide behind a fake mask. They don’t walk around with sirens blazing, so you have to be attuned to seeing past the mask that they present. If your eyes are open, the signs are always there and come from places you would least expect. It saddens me to say all this because in an ideal world everyone would be loving, kind, caring, thoughtful, mindful, considerate etc. Sadly, for us good people… that simply is not the reality 
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So very sad. My husband went into hospital and never came. It was hell losing him. Really feel for you.
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I am sure you will continue to be one of the good people so that will counter all the not so good ones.
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I am so sorry for your loss
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Thought I’d share this. It popped upon my Facebook page, after I’ve had a tough grief day.
On those days
when you miss someone the most
As though your memories
are sharp enough to cut through skin and bone
Remember how they loved you
Remember how they loved you and do that for yourself.
In their name, in their honour
Love yourself as they loved you.
They would like that.
On those days when you miss someone the most.
Love yourself harder.
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6 days now since I lost him and it’s not getting any easier, if anything more difficult . I think I’m still trying to process losing him . I have counselling today, I hope it helps. Because I can’t go on like this . I feel constantly sick, I did manage to get to sleep , but woke at 5 and then all the memories come back and the realisation that he is no longer with me. I cannot move forward without him.
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Elizabeth, Totally understand, I used to get up at about 3 and get myself a cup of tea and piece of toast as I could not sleep, A year on I mostly get about 6 hours and now only have one breakfast a day. I still put on BBC radio 4, it is the world service in the night, the drone of voices helped a bit. I will always love and miss my Elizabeth. I have learned to manage the grief a little better although it has taken time. Sending you a hug like from your brother.
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@Elizabeth14
In the first 9 weeks every morning I woke up the flood of tears n pain deep inside was absolutely devastating. I really didn’t want to wake up because I knew what was coming.
Two weeks back I looked at a picture of John, the only one I’ve kept out now and told him I was not going to cry after 9am and although sometimes something can just trigger I absolutely do not cry. It’s like I’ve compartmentalised that feeling. Now I’ve started to wake up n just talk to him with very few tears…. I feel better for that and it is about me now.
I had to put photos except one away and I changed the wallpaper on my phone. I’ve stopped wearing his shirts to bed. I began to feel as though I had a sore that I was constantly picking so it wouldn’t heal.
I totally love my John n he’s my only soulmate and I’ve been round the block but I knew for me I had to remember he would not want me like I was and I absolutely know he is with me wherever I go…
It’s too soon for you just now but I hope one day you feel at peace with yourself and the love you have for your darling man…
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Nightwish i i agreed with your post.i have flashbacks.Dawn passed away here in the living room,paramedics doing cpr.they couldnt get her heart restarted.i keep reliving it over and over again.i should have done more for her,i keep blaming myself.im trying to cope but its so hard.came back from shopping last saturday,just burst into tears.
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Brummy, it’s still early days for rhe both of us. It is hard coming home to a empty house. I still cry not as much, i try not to cry when i am out,but if i do i do. Yesterday i got home from a bereavement coffee morning and had a wave hit me.
We both love are soul mates. As i have said in previous posts, we should not feel guilty, we did are best. I think Sue hid how bad she was from till it was to late. We are not medical professionals, so we should not feel guilty, but because we love them so much we do. I know i will feel guilty till i am with her again.
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Thank you , I do appreciate your kind words. Family and friends keep saying to remember the happy times we spent together , but this just makes me break down in tears , what hurts the most is knowing we can never relive those incredible moments together.
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@Elizabeth14
It’s just completely heartbreaking 
I know people most probably mean well… but that statement “remember the happy times” is said because they can’t think of anything more helpful to say. I think it’s especially hard to hear if your future was stolen from you way before you imagined or expected. My darling soulmate of 20 years is just 58 years old. We imagined another 30 years ahead of us. I don’t want to be remembering the happy times I’ve lived… I should still be living through happy times, with the love of my life. They just don’t understand the unfairness and injustice of the nightmare we face and everything our loved ones and us will be missing out on… our dreams, plans, hopes and future. I have said this before… nobody can understand or feel your pain and heartache unless they have walked in your shoes. I’m so very sorry for you and what you’re going through
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I look forward to being asleep because only then do I get some relief from the pain. I know I have to move on , especially for the sake of my family, but I can’t bear the thought of moving on without him. This time last year we were spending time together on the Yorkshire coast . We planned to go there again at the end of June . I look at the lovely happy photographs from last year . Now I just feel complete despair.
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