I lost my partner of 18 years, it will be 2 weeks on Wednesday.
He had been very poorly with type 2 respiratory failure after having covid about 5 years ago, since then he deteriorated, the oxygen machines became bigger, the tanks larger and multiples of them, the time on NIV longer, our lounge became a hospital ward.
The hospital admissions more frequent and for longer.
He fought SO hard, he really couldn’t have fought any harder. We almost lost him a few weeks ago, in the following days he would cry and say how he didn’t want to leave our 13 year old son and me.
Last Wednesday he wasn’t showing anh signs that there was anything different than a usual week day, he would ring my phone at 6.30am so I could help him swap from NIV to oxygen and open the blinds etc at 7.30 I would go to work, usually if he felt unwell he would ask me to let work know I would be late, that didn’t happen that day. He had carers come throughout the day and I only work 8-2.30.
He didn’t answer my msg so I asked my son to check on him who told me he didn’t have an oxygen mask on but had nasal oxygen on, these were only used to eat so I knew they had been on since breakfast. He was also drowsy. I rang the carer who said she would be there in 20 mins. She then rang saying he wasn’t responding, I rang a cab on my way out of work by which time the carer called and said he had come to so I rang him and he said he was OK and was coming round, I told him I was on my way home.
I arrived he was sat up going on a nebuliser then I said to go on the NIV as the drowsiness is due to increase CO2 and this usually removes it. After spending over 2 hours on that his best friend arrives they discuss the England game that night.
He becomes extremely hot and asks me to close the blinds, I go to phone the GP as he looks a tinge of yellow, his friend asks me to come back to check him and he has stopped breathing, I ring 999 and perform cpr which was extremely traumatic.
Paramedics arrive and we lose him.
I have to tell our son who is devastated and feels extremely guilty because he didn’t go to school that day.
I am full of guilt for going to work that day.
I have lost both my parents and grandparents but this is something else.
If I didn’t have children I wouldn’t be here now, I couldn’t have got through the first night. The pain is not just emotional it is physical. I don’t know how to go on without him, just typing that has me sobbing again, I have barely stopped crying. I’m afraid people will start avoiding me as I’m a hysterical mess. When people say are you OK? I say no I’m not, maybe I should say yes I’m fine but I can’t and I’m not, far from it.
I can’t sleep or eat, as I type this it is 4.36am and I have barely slept.
I feel like I am losing my mind.
I can’t see how I can ever get through this unbearable pain.
I miss him so much it hurts.
