Unexpected loss of adult son

I’m going to try compassionate friends. I hadn’t heard of them. I always thought I was strong because as a navy wife I had to handle all the bad things alone. All the good things too.
I seem to have lost all my strength. I’m dreading going home but there’s nothing I can do about that. I’ve got to start walking today. So far I’ve edged along the bed pushing on both feet so I need to find the courage to stand up. Thank you so much. You have been a great help to me.

I tried to join compassionate friends on fb and was turned down. Never been turned down before on any group.

That’s strange, I wonder why? I’ve not joined via Facebook but I contacted them online and got a pack of helpful literature.

I’ve always been strong for my sons and their health issues and held it together just enough to get everyone through Thomas’s funeral but there’s a limit to how we can take both mentally and physically. I fell apart during a blood test with the GP, suddenly it all came out amid a lot of tears. That was my turning point, I accepted I needed help and also that I didn’t need to hide it from my boys.

I got in touch and they let me join. Lots of messages to read but I don’t feel up to it at the moment.


How old are your boys?

Thomas will always be 35 and the other two are 38 and 27. They miss their brother so much.

How are you finding the walker, have you been able to move much?

I was afraid to put any weight on it but my son shouted at me and walked away. I was so angry that I grabbed the walker and went after him. He laughed. I walked around and did little things. Feeling quite pleased with myself.


Well done! Must be good to be up and about.

Was a bit painful today but it soon eased up when I walked about. :grinning:

1 Like

I’m so sorry for your loss, my son died tragically in Amsterdam five months ago but it feels like yesterday. Having to travel to a foreign country to sort things out was traumatic even hearing the name of this country sends me to a depth of depression. I hope you have support and someone to help you get through this horrible time :heart:


I’m so sorry. I still can’t really believe it. I wasn’t able to go to Vietnam because I fractured my knee a few days before I heard. I still don’t know when he died. I suppose I’ll have to wait for the foreign office to send the death certificate, How old was your son?

1 Like

Sorry to read about your son , yes dealing with a foreign country is awful , they tell us nothing and we lean more from the press than from the consulate. Things really need to change . My sons killer is charged with murder and is awaiting sentencing, meanwhile he has been moved to a psychiatric hospital at the request of the courts , we don’t know why as we are unimportant and don’t exist . We can have a Portuguese lawyer keep us informed but at £200 per hour it won’t bring back my son . It’s a minefield when you are dealing with another country and I wouldn’t wish this situation on my worst enemy . I’m in bits almost all of the time and only sleeping when I finally can takes xx my mind off the horror of it all . Sending hugs to you x

1 Like

Thank you. Yes it makes things very hard. They said he was found on the 6th March and I didn’t hear anything until the 18th. I’ve since been told that he hadn’t been seen since the 27th Feb. I can’t get that out of my head.
Hope you manage to get some sleep. Sending hugs xx


That’s hard to take knowing someone knew for almost two weeks before you were told . I think if one of my sons friends hadn’t been with him we would have had the same problem as we could not speak to the police or judicial system they just kept putting the phone down and saying no speak English . Luckily my son in USA can speak Portuguese so he managed to communicate unofficially with the police there . The uk police are not interested at all. No help and no visits we are just abandoned in the minefield of it all

1 Like

I would have no chance trying to speak to Vietnamese police. The bit that keeps going round and round is, did he lie there suffering or was it quick? I go over and over it. I know he isn’t suffering now and that helps a bit.

My son Charlie was 30 years old he died from jumping out of his eighth floor hotel room after a psychotic experience from a ‘legal’ drug he had taken in one of the cafe’s out there. He phoned me to tell me that he needed to jump out of the window and that he couldn’t stop this feeling I tried to talk to him and stop what he was saying but he hung up and then jumped. It feels like my heart has been ripped out I’m not living just existing. There are days I manage and days I don’t, I miss him so much.
I’m so sorry to read your situation and that you still have to go through the horrible process without assistance Isn’t the British consulate helping you? X

The British consulate are less than useless and the press find things out before we do , we found out his killer had psychosis and was told ( in his head state) to kill my son . My son would have been the first one to help anyone , he was neuro diverse and the kindest gentlest soul that ever existed . I should have been able to protect him and my heart is broken . It must have been the most awful nightmare for you to get that call from your son and not even be able to help him and my heart goes to anyone going through this , it’s heartbreaking xx

I didn’t get a call from my son. I wish I had because I would have found a way to get help.
Not being able to be there makes me think it’s a bad dream. I know one day it’s going to hit me. I haven’t seen him for 12 years and I keep looking for a green light next to his name on facebook.

1 Like

It must be so hard , it’s not the right order of things . How is your foot now?