My mum passed away about 8 weeks ago now, it’s strange to feel both like time has stopped (feels mum passed last week) but also how quick time/the world has moved on.
I’ve not really told many people apart from those who need to know (close friends, wife, kids, colleagues at work as I was off sick dealing with passing and funeral stuff) and the resounding comment I’ve gotten from those who haven’t experienced a death of a parent of very close family member is “well at least they’re happy and not in pain anymore”. Or “chin up, you’ve got this, I know it’s sad but get down the gym … you’ll be ok”.
I’ve never, ever, said those things to anyone who’s mentioned to me that someone they know/love has died. Only “that’s awful I’m so sorry I’m here if you need a coffee or chat”.
But now it’s my turn to have to go through the loss of my mum, when people say these things to me they are almost always from people who haven’t experienced it - why do they feel the need to give advise/opinions like this. Especially unwanted remarks when I haven’t asked to have a conversation about it.
I’ve started to feel resentful towards these meaningless, flippant remarks and I know their hearts are in the right place.
“We all end up in the ground, mate” was from one person. Like I was unaware of this fact. I just don’t fathom how on any level they would’ve thought that was a helpful thing to say.
Anyway, rant over. I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. It just irritates me that people with no experience of something try to give advise (not just with death) like they have something relatable when they can’t even begin to feel what I’m feeling.
Hello again @StengthAndHope , I resonate so much with what you are saying here. It would sometimes be more helpful to say nothing.
Another thing I am really struggling with is when friends ask things like ‘Hi love, how are you?’ or ‘How did it go?’ in reference to mum’s funeral. Ridiculous questions, I could write an essay and still not be able to convey the spectrum of emotions, or I could downplay and say I’m as good as can be expected or something equally mundane… But I don’t have the energy.
Yesterday I pointed out that the question was impossible to answer, and they responded to say ‘what I meant/should have said was I am thinking of you every day’ - which made me wonder why they didn’t just write that in the first place. It was so much easier to read.
But I am trying to remind myself of the realisations I have since mum reached the end of her life, and how you cannot fathom it until it has happened to you. The comments you refer to are particularly unhelpful, but I think people just don’t get it and the concept probably frightens them. I try to be compassionate and feel happy for them they don’t know this pain yet, give them the benefit of the doubt, and trust that if/when they do experience it they will be kinder towards others.
I have found that some of the people I am in touch with the most are acquaintances who have experienced loss, who reached out to me when they heard and have been able to, and pleased to, offer exactly the support I need. Like a pay it forward scheme. Some of my closest friends don’t know what to say or how to help and that’s ok, we’ll either find our way back when my heart is less raw, or drift apart. My scale of what is important is forever changed
God the amount of times I got “How are you” when mum passed. I started to respond with “How would you like me to reply to that?” And I know that’s petty what a stupid thing to say.
I suppose I’ve done enough work on myself through various recovery work that I’m fairly self aware and try to say what I mean and mean what I say without being mean or hurtful, so when people say things but actually meant to say something else, I get frustrated and snap back with “just say what you meant then”.
It’s difficult, in my line of work there’s many people who love the gossip and if there’s a sniff of some drama they want to be knee deep in it, I take offence that they feel my loss is their drama and when I start getting advise on how to deal with my grief from someone who’s not experienced anything - I get resentful. Like, why say anything at all?
Lovely to know I’m not the only one. I remember a friend of mine who’s mum died 5 years ago telling me that even now certain “friends” tell him he should be over his mums death. I truly hope I don’t have the same experience or at least have the confidence to distance myself from people who feel the need to say that to me.
I fear that before I lost my beloved husband four weeks ago, and my Mum two weeks before him, I’d have said the same things.
I’ve asked my friends not to ask me how I am, and I’m continuously bereft. A better question is “how has today been for you?” which is more manageable.
I’m so bored of being asked “what can I do to help, ask anything?”. I only want one thing and nobody can do that. A friend’s Mum said “I wish there was I could die so that Jon could come back”.; what a stupid and bizarre comment. I also go angry at “the good die young” and worse from somebody who should know better “heaven wanted another angel”. F*** off!
Only somebody has lost their soulmate can ever have even a close idea.
Your loss is vast. All I can think to say is well done for finding your way here.
When mum died I quickly began to think about the only thing that will ever be harder… And that’s losing my husband. To have both in close proximity… There are no condolences that can cut it, just an acknowledgement of the strength it must take to get through each day.
Another I just remembered was someone my mum didn’t like that I haven’t seen since I was a kid asking me repeatedly if I was coping outside the church, holding both my arms and very close to my face, while I just looked at them blankly.
But like you said, there’s before and after… I’m sure it’s all well meaning and what works for someone might be completely inappropriate for someone else.
I hope you have had at least one moment of peace today. I’m so sorry, and grateful for you sharing here
You are so right, I was struggling after my wife died suddenly and one of the comments was “Man up” Just how ? Fortunately there are also people who do understand. But remember until you have suffered a loss like losing your partner of 50 odd years you just do not understand. One of my wife’s old female friends, they had been friends since the age of 5, understood completely. She had lost her husband some years before. It is good to talk with someone who understands, lightens the conversation, leaves the room to make tea so you can get under control.
Very sorry for your loss. I suppose people feel awkward and don’t know what to say and the alternative to nothing (which I’d prefer) is to either say some stupid cliché or impart some words of wisdom that they hope will land and will be forever known as someone who “helped” get through the tough times. No idea but will say it’s frustrating.
I do find it comforting that some of us feel the same way
My husband collapsed and died totally unexpectedly in the street 3 months ago, no health issues we knew of. Me and my adult son were with him. We live in a large village, everyone knows everyone and the village went into total shock. People laid flowers where he died. To put in in perspective over 160 people turned up at his funeral. Over these last few months I have gone from shock ,to feeling angry and depressed, and so on. Various friends have reached out to me, but I have been hibernating. Anyway, finally a friend called me and this afternoon I am actually going for drinks in the village with my friend, my sister and her husband. I am quite nervous about it, but have had much encouragement, even from my sons. I am wondering what people will say or how long I will last. I am hoping it will do me good but I will miss him so much. We will see.
My amazing husband died a month ago. Totally bereft.
It’s his best friend’s birthday meal tonight and I’m actually looking forward to going. Also dreading it.
What’s really hard is that all our friends are joint friends, so they are grieving as well, and all conversations are about Jon. I wish I made some mates who weren’t grieving and where we had different conversations.
Hi @JamieGatley . I have actually seen several of your posts. Something about your personality seems very like mine! Never thought about it that way, about all of our friends being joint friends but it is the same for me. I don’t work either so no different conversations there, as we both took early retirement and had many plans. We were off to Goa, 2 weeks after he died, am only glad it didn"t happen then. I hope we both get on ok today, I guess we are lucky we have people out there, though nothing fills the hole that is left from our husbands. Take care also xx
Oh @Cloudysky that’s set me off again: thanks for your words. I’ve got a load of friends but it’s only the people on this forum who get it. It’s helping me.
we moan about what people say to us, yet we are all guilty of saying the same things. there are no right or wrong things to say when someone dies, whether its to you or to someone else.
you either ignore it, get annoyed at it, acknowledge it or accept its part of everyday life sadly.
I lost my daughter and it’s surprising how many people think it’s helpful to tell me how wonderful their children are and how ‘they don’t know what they’d do without them’. They are right they don’t know. I had someone tell me, as advice, that they ‘know all about grief’ because they have a friend who lost someone. Another told me ‘you will be over it before you know it’, I responded that she was wrong about that but I was hoping to learn to live with it. Next time I saw her she told me ‘don’t expect to ever get over it’. I hadn’t asked for her advice either time. The second time I just walked away. Most of the ignorant people who impose their opinions actually mean well but cause more harm than good. A simple ‘sorry to hear about what happened’ would be welcome.
Hi Strength and Hope,
You definitely aren’t the only one being asked stupid questions.
My mum passed approx 2 yrs ago. At approx 7 pm. Next morning I had a phone call from a family member at 10 am asking me how was I now. What !!! How the hell do I even start to answer that. It was just the start of numerous questions and sayings. Hurtful didn’t come close. But revenge is sweet. I got a new phone after mums funeral and blocked several people from my life. Two years on and I feel it was the best decision of my life.
Then just a few weeks ago I told someone my mum had passed and she said Oh well it’s the circle of life. Can you honestly believe it and this was from an elderly sweet lady. What’s wrong with people these days.
All this has impacted my wellbeing in so many ways.
I prefer to post on here amongst people who really do understand. I have had far more support from this site than I can ever describe. I would recommend keep posting on her, rise above silly comments and always have an excuse up your sleeve when bumping into certain people that you are dashing somewhere just to get away from them. Life really is too short to deal with stupid people. As my mum used to say Don’t worry about people who dont worry about you.
Thinking of you and everyone else on here who have posted similar replies.
Love Deborah
Your post is very relatable, one of my friends said “it’s the natural order of things”. I find it just as insincere as “at least they’re at peace now”.
But I think you’re right, I’ve distanced myself from those people and it’s important to seek those with similar experiences
Honestly just delete anyone who upsets you. I can assure you it’s very liberating lol.
I have found its been the best thing for me. And that’s what’s it’s all about. Looking after yourself and putting yourself first.
Unfortunately it’s sad to delete people but life really is too short to put up with certain people
The only thing that I have gained from the stupid comments is I am now far more resilient and also have far more empathy when I talk to anyone going through grief. I am very careful how I word things as maybe before I too wasn’t sensitive enough to what I said. I don’t know as can’t remember but my goodness no one will ever hear those words from me.
Someone I knew passed away a few months ago and I just left a hamper if treats for them to eat with a card saying I have no words but I hope these help to keep you going until you feel like cooking again. The person said it was the best thing anyone had done so from now on that’s what I will do. So out of horrible thoughtless remarks some good came out if it all and taught me a kinder way to respond to someone going through a bereavement.
But I love the fact I deleted certain people!!!
Hope you are coping as best you can for now.
In the beginning I co hi kk don’t function at all. Hardly go to out I do bed for months except to deal with meetings . Found this site and it saved me.
I started to set myself very small daily targets. One was simply go make myself as cuppa. Unbelievable looking back but that was a huge task at the time. My daily targets grew and 2 years on I am still putting into place daily weekly and monthly targets to help me keep going.
Whatever you feel works for you is the best. Don’t let anyone tell you how to get through it. You have to find your own way.
The one thing I have learnt and accepted is that my grief walks alongside me and will be there all my life. I don’t want it to go away if I am honest so I am learning to live with it alongside me in every aspect of my life.Its taken me 2 years to reach this point though.
Keep posting on here as the support from others and especially encouragement will have a huge impact on your wellbeing.
Just plan for one day at a time, make the most of the ups and ride the storm of the downs. Always remember they will pass like everything else does. Not easy to think they do at times but you will come through them.
None of us on here have any choice but to carry on and do our loved ones proud by doing so
Hope all I have written helps in a tiny way
Deborah
Hi,
Am so glad you found my post helped.
Unfortunately it’s hard to reply to everyone on here as daily there are new people. But soon you will find that the same people reply to you and you therefore soon have your own group of contacts.
That’s what happened to me anyway
I make a point of checking lots of posts as sometimes just reading other posts and replies help even if I don’t actually reply myself. It’s a matter of grabbing anything that helps in the smallest way.
In the beginning I hated replies saying things like time is a healer, look after yourself, create a memory table, have special places in my home to remember mum. I didnt want any be if that. I just wanted mum back. Nothing else cam we close. It was a very difficult time. But here I am saying the same to newbies. I guess it’s the process we all have to go through.
Time is a healer in many ways but nothing will ever help me in losing my mum.
She was 89 but a young 89 and I knew I was on borrowed time so to speak but I still wanted more. Remarks like she was a good age etc floored me and I hated those remarks.
Luckily I retired 10 years before mum passed and spent a huge amount of time with her. We went everywhere together and had wonderful times. Spending quality time with her was the best retirement I ever had.
Sending a Welsh hug to you
Deborah
but I also understand that it is what is.