No they can’t and maybe they won’t ever ? obviously you had a very special bond with your mum and I can appreciate that. But somehow you have to carve out a new life for yourself as we all have too. Take your time and maybe try and talk to people that actually care about you and your loss. Sorry for your loss.
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Hello
I am so sorry your mum has died and that you’re having these horrible experiences . My dad died on New Year’s Eve, which seems to have given people a focus for their comments ‘new year’s eve? That’s horrible’ As though any other day wouldn’t have been so bad. But now no one talks about dad dying. It’s not as though he didn’t exist, just that it’s old news for most people. If anyone does ask I tear up. I was offered counselling last year following breast cancer which is actually run by the Hospice service so I’ve now taken it up. I’ve had one session so far. And I am so grateful to be able to talk to someone who just talks and listens in a straightforward understanding way. It’s only there that I feel I can be honestly me, which isn’t always being upset. And, she doesn’t say ‘what would your dad have wanted.’ It seems to be working for me.
I hope you can find your way through each day.
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Hi Westham,
My mum passed on Dec 30th just over 2 years ago and I had stupid comments aldo about New Years.
I’m the blue of things I didn’t even realise it was New Years so their comments hit even harder.
I am so glad you are having counselling as any help you can get take it. There are so many aspects of grieving and it’s important to accept help.
I also had cancer 6 years ago so I I know a little bit about how difficult that is too. On top if grief it must be hard going.
Just wanted to reach out to you and say I am thinking of you and sending you love and strength.
Deborah x
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I feel for you Westham,
My mum had breast cancer, had surgery and then it came back 4 years later to her liver and lungs.
When mum was in the last few weeks of her life my brothers wife said “I hope you give me the same attention you’ve been giving your mum”. He told me in private and I was stunned. I know we all deal with things in our own way but I felt that was really cruel.
Passing away on celebration days must feel more … painful? When mum was going and the nurses kept saying she was showing more signs it was getting closer to my sons birthday (we were originally told that mum wouldn’t make it passed Christmas Eve), and I was dreading her passing on my sons birthday which just so happens to also be my mother in laws birthday as well.
I feel really guilty about feeling it now but I kept thinking “please don’t go on Eddies birthday” I’m not sure if it was because I didn’t want to mark both their birthdays with my mums death or what but … I dunno.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Good vibes to all 
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I’m sure we all have similar comments made to us
I was very relaxed about it.
I realised that if I felt hurt, it was because I had allowed myself to feel hurt. I had absolutely no interest in giving it any thought - I had enough on my plate.
The comments just went in one ear, and out the other. If I mulled them over, the only person to suffer would have been me.
The mindfulness coaching I’m getting has taught me this. I just concentrate on my own journey through bereavement, it’s difficult enough without unhelpful comments.
Just try to let them go - it’s a much quieter road over here.
Good luck.
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Huge thanks to everyone taking time to post on this thread as I’ve been in such dilemmas regarding others reactions to the death of my husband, bringing up feelings I’d squished down following the death of grandparents, close friends and more recently my dad.
This bereavement has compounded all those feelings as I’ve lost the person who knew me best in the world and who I could really be open and honest with now only cat is a safe option … until I found this community!
Things came to a head when a good friend of both of ours got remarried recently and didn’t even let me know - first I had a clue was the photo posted on our girls group of pretty much everyone there except me … so reading this I’ve pressed a few delete buttons realising that I can look back on times we had in the past as just that. Don’t wish others ever to go through what I and my kids have but I’m also not going to pretend and be ok with others treating my feelings or existence as a “widow” at 54 like I should smile and wave all the time .
My Matt certainly never encouraged me to be the recluse I am now so hoping that in a future time there will be new opportunities to meet people with greater empathy. Thanks again for the encouragement to be true to myself and not ashamed for grieving . Love to all
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IM55 Most of my wife and my “friends” that are couples do seem to avoid me I had not really noticed till your post. My male friends and I still meet on a Tuesday like we have been doing for years, long before losing my wife. The best are those who have been through this and understand, The others just cannot. If you think about it, you, like me, did not realize just what a huge loss, amount of grief it is. They will talk with you, even about your partner if you want, give you a hug, go and make the tea while you are trying to get it together. There are still little flashes of brightness around, you will start to see some.
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Hi all. Still getting people saying that i should be over my gorgeous beautiful late wife sues passing away on 1st February 2023.I just give a disgusted look and just shake my head.I feel so lost without my gorgeous beautiful wife sue so much it hurts. We had been together for 22years and married for 7years and i still consider myself married to sue.plus sue kept me going after loosing my right leg below the knee in December 2019.recently had revision surgery to become an above knee amputation on the 7th March. On the days when I feel down I can feel sues presence and hear her saying come on you did once and you can do it again
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Let it all out. Understandably irritating. I lost my dad around the same time and while I haven’t had many, the few asinine comments I’ve had evoked the same response. People saying things that are true but which can’t possibly help me. As if I’m going to say on the day of my dad’s funeral “Oh he didn’t suffer for long you say? Oh thank you I feel so much better and ready to face the day now”.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Thanks everyone for your comments. I feel it’s so important to have a place to vent, I think if peoples remarks or comments don’t bother you then great. I understand that we should not sweat the small stuff or occupy our brains with silly little things but it doesn’t mean we can’t vent.
Also this was a thread I started because I wanted to vent, and hopefully have some sympathetic ears of others who maybe feel the same. Nothing negative just a constructive way of letting off some steam.
Sending lots of good vibes out there this grief thing is really ripping me apart at the moment. Having lots of sad days and trying to focus on what’s important and chatting to my mum and trying to find the humour in it all. So difficult.
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Rob05 you’re so right that there are indeed some flashes of brightness and not where I was expecting or relying on …my husband had a bunch of “pub blokes”’meeting twice weekly for the last couple of hours of an evening to put the world to rights and they’ve adopted me as a matt substitute in honour of him. Great mates and it’s funny to hear of past things he said and get to know them all better ( it was strictly guy time before!) I don’t go every week probably once every couple of weeks but it’s lovely to feel included and cared for by people who were more acquaintances before. Matt would be so thrilled if a little surprised I reckon - replacing those I’ve deleted ! Thanks for helping me remember them in a time of feeling down Rob . Take good care
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Martyn2 - so important to keep that voice of our loved ones going in our heads especially on the days we feel like giving up. Hang in there for the memories of your wonderful partner in life - she can still partner you through as weird as that might sound. Big hugs
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Hi Martyn - you are still married to your wife and that won’t change. You’re still her husband and that won’t change. My daughter died 3 years ago and I get a bit of comfort from knowing I’m still her mum, she’s still my daughter.
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Well said Nell2. It’s so right to say that.
Deborah
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Aaw thank you
shows what people are like abd the fact they dont want to know, i posted a pic of hubby on my FB today as it is 3 yrs since he died. out of all my so called friends only 2 people have acknowledged it and one of them was cause i reminded them yesterday. there will be a few being deleted, as for off line freinds, nothing, not a squeak from anyone.
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Sending you a hug on this particularly difficult day. It’s hard to forgive isn’t it, when it really hurts. Keep the good ones close and forget the rest.
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Hi SueF1,
Sadly it doesnt surprise me . Nothing does these days. A lot of people are selfish and I agree delete them.
Its hurtful but rise above it. Hold your head up high and dont waste time worrying about people who dont worry about you. That was my mus favourite saying and when something like this happens to me I tell myself those words. You honestlly dont need people who dont care enough.
I know you are sad today looking back on what happened 3 years ago but I also hope you have found the strength to think of the happy memories of your lives together. Perhaps you could put a photo of your hubby on this post so the lovely people on here can acknowledge it. Your friends on here are worth their weight in gold and far better than ones who show a lack of repect
Make yourself a cuppa or a stiff drink and let it all go over your head
You are worth more than this
Deborah x
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Totally agree Airstrip Cat x
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