It is 2 months since T died - and the old me died with him. The me that remains is a shell, a husk, empty. I look in the mirror and see this face staring back. Who is that? I mean, what is she even doing here? When we were alive, we were so happy. A perfect match, full of love and laughter. We were active, animated, always out. Theatre, music, walking, skiing. Alive in every sense. Now, dead. He has gone. I remain, trapped in twilight. Anyone else feel like this?
Grief has me in its grip and will not let go. It squeezes ever tighter, as every long day drags by. I send my love to all those here, who I know will understand, and I hope you are ok.
Yes totally and it’s nearly 12 months for me. I’m just existing not living.
I don’t find joy in anything, I just paint a smile on my face for everyone. Life is rubbish.
My world ended on 2.4.21 and to be honest I don’t think I can ever get it back. People say things will get easier but I feel things are getting harder as time moves on.
I resent seeing happy couples which is so wrong because I’m not like that but I can’t help how I feel at the moment. Love to you all x
Hi Vancouver,
Sorry for your loss, I feel the same as you, my world ended very suddenly in November 2021.
We were such a happy couple and just loved spending every minute together, it took me many years to find real love and I had no idea that that kind of love existed until I met Pete, I am so glad that I used to tell him how much I appreciated him often and we would say we loved each other many times every day, he went out jogging one morning and collapsed and died instantly, our last words to each other were “I love you” as he left the house smiling and never came back. We only had 5 years together and had so many big plans.
I feel like half a person now, and have been robbed of my future, can’t find joy in anything, it’s like the life has been sucked out of me.
I do understand how you feel, it’s so damn hard being on this journey none of us wanted to go on.
Take care of yourself
Muldool
Not sure this will help as I am now 18 months on this terrible journey I never wanted or imagined could happen to me. My husband died suddenly in September 2020, I remember his happy smiling face as he left the house and told me he loved me. I recall the last phone conversation we had just hours before the accident. He was killed when out on his motorbike - it takes more than one person. I died with him on that day. We have two kids and two little grandsons - one born after my husband died. I cry everyday for what we have lost. I still don’t recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror. I wish none of us found ourselves on this painful journey.
@Sheila26 - I am so sorry, Sheila - this is so hard. While T endured a gruelling decline - at least we were prepared, we had the chance to say everything that we needed to say. He told you he loved you - these are the most precious words and all that mattered. I try and try to think of the luck that I had in finding T and having 8 beautiful years. It is hard when the loss is so great though, isn’t it. We keep going, Sheila and we look out for each other on here. x
I am so sorry about Pete - he sounds a great man. To lose him without warning, so fast, is a terrible thing for you. You parted saying you loved each other. At least he knew, you knew, how you both felt in that and in every moment.
This is all so hard. I knew T for 8 years. He is the love of my life. I miss him so much. We died together yet go on separately. I hope you are ok there today. Take care.
Firstly so sorry for your loss, I can absolutely understand what you mean I to look in the mirror and don’t recognize the woman looking back at me, I died when my beautiful hubby died, I don’t who I am anymore or what my purpose is like you said why am I even here I’m just existing and I hate it this is no way to live, I don’t know how to move forward with my life without mark I can’t bear thinking about the future without him, I just want to be with him, I want this pain to stop. I lost my hubby in January 2021 and it’s not getting any easier it hurts just as much today as it did the day he died. Love to everyone this is quite the journey
Sending you love, @Markslouisa - you are strong, my friend, like all of us here - though we don’t feel it. I am so sorry you lost Mark - I followed you into these barren lands, in January this year when T died. I made it to today - a day I have filled with a visit to see my niece in action in the Stagecoach show. It is a sunny day, there is blossom to be found all around us. That is what I will look for, carrying my love to T with me as I go. Stay safe, keep going - we have all got each other on here x
Thankyou Vancouver, thankyou for your kind words, glad you had a lovely day with your family, your very brave as losing T only in January your braver than I was in the early stages, I wish you all the best sending love strength and courage god bless
Hi Vancouver,
Thank you for your reply, it’s 20 weeks today since I lost the love of my life and every Saturday morning I relive the events, at 10.53 the ambulance was called and I just feel so bad knowing my darling fell down on the side of the road alone, the lady who found him told me she was holding his hand and reassuring him help was on the way. That should have been me, but as we are new to the area and Pete was in his jogging gear he had no ID on him so it took a while for the to find out who he was.
I keep thinking that maybe if he hadn’t gone jogging that day it wouldn’t have happened.
I guess its normal for to have all these what ifs!
I just want him back so badly.
This has been a bad week and I do feel like I’m going backwards.
The weather has been so lovely and Pete loved nothing more than getting the sun loungers out and having an hour in the sun.
It is so hard for all of us and I’m so thankful for this forum because I don’t like sharing my thoughts with the people close to me because we all end up getting so upset.
Thanks to all of you on here for your support, it really means lot.
Muldool
Sending you loads of love, @Muldool - I know that guilt, that aching sadness and emptiness, too. If it is sunny where you are today - why not pull out a sun lounger and just lie there. Relax. Breathe. Think of him. The two of you in the garden in the sunshine. T and I used to do this too. I have to rush out now to get a family thing, but I just wonder, if you do something he loved so much, you may find him closer to you. Hold tight, my friend, we are all together on here x
So sorry for your loss x yes I feel like I died too I don’t recognise myself anymore I act out every day pretending to be ok people want and even expect you to be ok but I know I will never be me again ever I lost the love of my life and my future in February 2021 how can anything change that sending hugs to you all on our painful journey xx
Hang on, hang in there, @Ang12, we wake up to the pain every day and I know how you feel. Keep posting here, share how you feel. Everyone here understands. Everyone here is with you. Hold on x
I lost my partner just two months ago and I feel like you do.I don’t recognise myself anymore and it’s as though I died with him.His death was very sudden and unexpected.I feel as if I am trapped in a never-ending nightmare.I’m scared I will feel like this forever and just survive each day.
My dear @Pushkin28 - firstly, thank you for replying and I know exactly how you feel. At least with T, we knew it was coming. I cannot comprehend how you manage, following a sudden, totally unexpected loss. I am so sorry. Your heart has broken into a million pieces, I know. These days are nightmare days, my friend. I go hour to hour, sometimes feeling good and on solid ground, sometimes feeling utterly lost and sick. The key thing is that we keep going. Richard Coles wrote a book called The Madness of Grief. I found it helpful. In it, he says he is “Upright and facing forward” when people ask how he is doing. That sums it up for me and is a handy way to deflect often intrusive and painful questions. It will get better. It really will. I firmly believe that as I inch along. I talk to T all the time, tell him everything - and somehow, even though he doesn’t reply - find it helps. Take a breath, P and then another. And know that on this forum, you will find friends who get it, who will laugh with you and cry with you and who understand 100%. For now, I promise, it will get better for you and me. We just need to keep upright and facing forwards, and we will be ok. Hold tight, my friend.
Thank you so much for your lovely,intelligent reply.I have never been on a forum before and don’t really know what to expect.
I just feel hopelessly lost and terribly sad.He had always been so well,but and strong.He was a very young 75years/he had no history of major illness.
Thank you for suggesting a book I will try to get hold of a copy.
I’m not doing much of anything at the moment.Just eating,sleeping and keeping my home clean and tidy.I rarely go out because I can’t face speaking to anyone.I’m not sure that’s normal.Everything is a stuggle.
I really hope you are right and that things will become a little easier.I hope the same for everyone going through this grief.x.
We are with you, P. And you are doing really well there, as all of us are, even though often we doubt it. Another handy book I found is The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Could be worth a look, too. Hold tight, @Pushkin28 - the sun will shine again x
xx