I have read so many posts on here that make me even sadder if that is possible.Some, but not all, people are angry about it and feel resentful that their partner had no right to leavethem and that they are left to cope on their own with life, (Like our partners had a choice in dying!!!) To be perfectly honest yes it hurts,But our partners are gone,we are still here,let’s just at least try to make the most of life while we can. I’ll probably be inundated with furious replies but does anyone else agree?
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Hi @maggi7 I agree with a lot of what you say.
I have embraced grieving, and coped with everything the best way I could for myself. Some days I have wallowed alone, other days I’ve been out socialising. I’ve joined new groups and made new friends as well as maintaining old friendships. Cried so much.
A couple of weeks ago I decided that this is getting boring now; crying every day, reading through his old messages, looking at pics of him and at my calendar to remind me what we were doing this time last year, etc. I know that sounds harsh, but it’ll be 9 months on Friday. I had only known him under 3 years but the time we were a couple we were inseparable.
However, I’m a young 61 and not ready to let these feelings set in for much longer. I’ve decided that the mourning will cease in March, 12 months after his funeral and I will start to live again properly.
In the meantime I will hibernate for the Winter, then emerge in Springtime.
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Like a bear:}
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One more thing. I realised that perhaps it isn’t just the shock of his death and the missing him that’s making me sad. Perhaps I’m simply a miserable cow who is using bereavement as an excuse at times?
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I don’t know you personally obviously,but you seem to have a good sense of humour, loved the miserable cow comment, an excuse for what? Maybe you were always that way inclined:)
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Just a bit of banter but I don’t think everyone gets it
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Hi Maggi7
I so agree with you! It is a nightmare for all of us, but We have to carry on somehow. I still cry everyday, several times a day, but I have a list of things that need doing (sometimes urgent, sometimes not). I try to get these things done and add more to the list for tomorrow or next week or when I feel a bit stronger next year. Some days I don’t have the willpower or energy to even get going but I tell myself that’s normal and this mood wont last - and it doesn’t, so I put one foot in front of the other and step out for another day. Hugs to us all,
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Well, I agree absolutely.
I have been widowed twice. 20 years ago and 5 months ago.
I have cried, stamped my feet, bargained with God, promised to better from now on, if only…….
Nothing made a difference.
For me, and I mean just me, everyone is different.
But, whatever I did, I was/am still widowed. So, I might as well make the best of what I have.
I refuse to let my loss define the rest of my life. I will laugh and joke whenever I can. Some days that is harder than others.
I don’t assign significance to any dates. If something makes me sad I avoid it. I don’t look at photos or dwell on my loss. I think of something else.
My way is not everyone’s way, and that is fine. Some will think my way is distraction, that’s fine too.
It works for me.
Xx
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I spoke to a Cruse councillor yesterday (I’ve got a lot of other stuff going on and it was becoming overwhelming). She said I’d been trying too hard to keep ‘living’ and should stop and ‘sit with my grief’ instead. I’m not sure what that means really. I already spend several hours alone every day grieving, yearning and gnashing my teeth but I also go out and try to enjoy my life somehow. Should I start wearing black every day and wallow a la Queen Victoria? I’m very confused xx
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I tried that last time for a while. I was going to die as Richard’s Widow.
I was as miserable as sin for 4 years. I resolved to handle it differently this time.
But we are all different and must grieve as we see fit.
I don’t know what leaning into grief is. It sounds a bit like picking a scab, to me.
On that awful day, Jeremy died, I didn’t. I refuse to let the Grim Reaper have both our lives. No buy one, get one free.
Xx
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I’m definitely in the no BOGOF team too! Go us! 
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Hi @maggi7 , a great thread to start!! I often get dispirited with the negativeness on here in some posts, when I think that Queen Victoria would have “enjoyed” contributing to it.
One of the difficult things I found when my journey started is to try and not listen to my thoughts, but I managed it, and my new life started to form and I now just get on with my new life - which is pretty good again, but very different.
Whilst my thoughts say something like “get a grip!”, we can’t say that, all we can do is keep encouraging and giving positive vibes.
You’ve not had any furious replies, have you 
“We’re doomed , Captain Mainwaring” - NOT!
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I think there’s a small (but hopefully growing) band of us who can acknowledge the devastation of what we’re going through but also push forward that little bit every day!
Once my dear husband shockingly realised he wasn’t going to survive the day, he kept apologising for what he knew he was going to be putting me through - he felt wretched! I feel I owe it to him to lift myself up above that miserable state I could so easily wallow in and not make him feel any more miserable than he already does/did if that makes sense.
Sending hugs and strength to anyone who needs it xx
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Well I love positive posts. When I joined this site I was looking for hope that things would get better.
Yes, it’s comforting to know that grief is normal, that shaking like a leaf and a brain made of mush is to be expected. That I was not the only one so ravaged by my loss.
But it is also a huge relief to see that widowed people can actually laugh again sometimes. That there is still joy in this world.
Onwards and upwards.
Xx
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Our elders knew that mourning took at least a year, so they practiced this mourning period that everyone respected. Widows and widowers were not expected to socialize, have company or act normal. They were smart.
It is a great idea to intentionally emerge from this mourning after one year.
For me, I refuse to give up a year of living. My husband died on September 24. I am 70 years of age and plan to be ready to live again by Dec. 31 and start the new year as me - a single widow living her best life. My time here is limited too, so I will make the very best of it and honor my husband throughout my life.
Much love.
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Oh I love you both @PeachesDixon and @Willow112. What wonderful posts! I lost my husband in June and I’ve bobbed up and down with strong emotions in each direction ever since, but it’s time I took back some control I feel. I’m an overly bouncy near 66 year old , 6ft tall (yes I know this isn’t a dating site ) and can wield a petrol mower and use an electric hedge trimmer whilst up a ladder - oh and still touch my toes! My point is, this is probably the best shape I’m ever going to be in for the rest of my life before I start slowing down - so I need to use this time wisely - or recklessly depending on my mood! … and yes, I miss my husband with every inch of my being, let’s not forget that. Hope this doesn’t sound too weird, or patronising - I’ve had a fun day with the funeral director planning my funeral plan, as you do! 
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I’m 72, and very aware of how short and precious life is, and how quickly time passes. I’m still very much grieving for my partner after a year, but I’ve also gone back to doing the things I was enjoying before he died.
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We all have to make a new life, willingly, or otherwise. It might as well be a good one.
As my sister said, there is no prize for being the most miserable widow in the world.
Onwards and upwards, my friends.
We can do this, some days it will be harder than others.
Fingers up to the Grim Reaper.
X
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The scariest thing for me is I don’t actually know what things I like doing, only things we enjoyed as a couple over 26 years. I’ve got to work out what makes me tick! Cold water swimming? Macrame? (probably not as I’d get into a tangle) … I have no idea 
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Well, I got persuaded to go to Tai Chi. Not really my thing, but I am really pleased I went. Most of the others are widowed ladies and we go to the pub for a (soft) drink afterwards. It was encouraging to see that they are all happy and have made new lives for themselves.
It made me realise that if they could do it, so can I.
I still feel a bit of a dick doing the Tai Chi, though.
Xx
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