Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Or would have been. Absolutely dread these occasions creeping up on me again. I feel like im going round and around. It just isn’t getting any easier. I stumbled over the 2 year mark and I am still this pathetic version of myself, which he wouldn’t like at all. I not very keen on her either if im honest.
When you think of people losing a partner you really dont have a clue do you? The way it totally changes every single thing about you and your life even the way you fit or dont fit in to things.
Keep telling myself i need to snap out of it, get a grip.
Maybe one day
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Hope you get through your wedding anniversary OK x
I am dreading mine in April it would have been our Golden wedding and if my wife’s health was up to it we were planning a River Cruise to celebrate. That obviously is not going to happen. In some ways I should be happy for the wonderful nearly 50 years we had together but it doesn’t stop me being heartbroken that we can’t celebrate together.
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Dear @Cee64
Happy Anniversary
Be extra kind to yourself today.
I’m 2 and a half years in, and understand all your feelings.
I too feel like a pathetic version of myself, and I don’t like the new me very much either!
Love , hugs and strength to you
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Thank you for replying to my rambling. It is a simple fact that if you are not living this nightmare you just dont understand.
I am very grateful for the life we shared but i also feel if i hadn’t loved him quite so much it may be easier to get on with life now. You just cant win.
Sending you love for your anniversary in April 🩷
One day at a time I suppose x
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i hate to think of anyone else feeling the way I do its also very comforting to know Im not losing myself on my own. If that makes any sense at all. 
I need to get on with my day and stop hiding from it I suppose.
Thank you for taking the time to reply x
Sending you 
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Cee64, your expression, losing myself on my own’ really resonates. While we are here’ on this forum, we are not alone’ x. I think even my face has changed, it has dropped’ somehow. I wonder I am becoming odd’ in my social interactions too. I can be jolly with strangers which feels a weird surreal betrayal. Sending hugs and solidarity x
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I understand how you feel, so sorry for your loss, i lost my beloved husband on 23rd November 2024 to cancer.
We had just celebrated our wedding anniversary on 19th October, and 3 days later we found out that he had cancer.
Im so sorry for your loss, like Pooka1968 said being on here helps.
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Hi Cee64
It would have been our 20th Wedding Anniversary in March, and i am dreadìng spending it at home on my own. I know i won’t be good company. I am considering going to see my brother and his wife in Scotland to ‘escape’, but i know wherever i am i will be in pieces.
Yes, this pain is impossible to describe to anyone who has not been through it. I buried her yesterday, which went really well, but it did not take long for the tears to return. It is just so hard to find any enthusiasm to do anything, i just feel i am trying to roll with the bodyblows at the moment.
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I to understand how u feel, I lost my husband 6 months ago now, and it was our wedding anniversary on Wednesday, thought I was coping but the tears come in waves. It was so hard, I am still having to work so had to put on my pretend face to everyone. Felt things were getting better but have started to think again what is the point of anything. Life feels so difficult at the moment. X
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Hi Lincoln
I know what you mean, it is hard to find any meaning through all this. It’s like you are in a constant fog and cannut find a way through it.
Sometimes i think it is best not to try and put a pretend face on. People expect you to have good and bad times. They cannot possibly understand what we are going through, if they haven’t been through it themselves.
I know i will make it eventually, but the journey to that point scares me.
I am so sorry about your husband. It must have been a horrible day for you on Wednesday. Sending hugs.
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Thank u, I think just saying what is going on in my head helps. I can say it on here, feel I dont want to burden my children with my grief, friends are great but unless they have been through something like this they dont understand. Feels like we are just existing, I try to fill my life with work, the gym, meeting friends, anything to stop thinking about my lost life. Big hug to u for listening. X
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Yes you can say it on here, and the rest of us on here get it.
It was hard today. I sat in a restaurant with my girls, my brother and his wife, who are going back to Scotland tomorrow, and looking around at the couples who were sharing a Valentines dinner, brought home to me what i will be missing in the future.
I got home and cried, when i was on my own. It is just so hard at the moment.
Will always listen. X
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Ah yes valentines day is another slap in the face isnt it.
I was talking to a lady who lost her husband 5 years ago. She said shes just ticking the days off. Like a count down until she can be with him.
What an absolutely dreadful thought. However I get it.
It’s just over two and a half years for me too and you’re right these special moments still hurt in just the same way. I know that I’m now a completely different person, I’m basically a non person, I’ve lost all confidence in all ways. I think I live in constant worry/fear over what might happen next, what problem might crop up that I don’t know how to cope with. I used to think I was quite a strong person who could look after myself but it was apparently my dear husband who made me feel strong and secure.
Valentine’s Day yesterday was a difficult day for me and I’m sure for many others on here. I got out some of the cards my husband had sent to me over the years and read through them and sobbed and sobbed. Nobody understands how losing a partner affects you until they go through it themselves, it really does change every single thing for the one left behind.
We can only try to make the best of a dreadful situation in whatever small way we can and hope that somehow things will get easier.
Take care everyone.
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I think what makes it worse too as time goes on people think you should be getting better.
It was 2 years ago to them to me it was yesterday.
I have a running commentary in my head of all the things we did and said the morning he died.
Wish i had said something more meaningful to him.
It’s unimaginable what you have to go through on a hourly basis.
It must be normal because we all seem to say similar things.
It seems there’s no way out of the ever rolling circle of things we should have done/should have said and so on. I’ve only recently been able to pack up some of my husband’s clothes to take to the charity shop, another heartbreaking job that needs to be done.
One of the things that hurts me very much is that my only son never mentions his dad, I can’t understand this and it’s so sad. Even when I mention him there’s no response at all.
Packing up some of Martins things was on the agenda for me too this weekend. Ive put it off again! Complete cop out I realise.
I wonder if your son would benefit from counselling. I say this to my son regularly he bounces from one thing to another. Doesn’t have his dad to give advice anymore. Its a worry.
knspol, I am so sorry for your loss and your Son’s loss. I wondered if your Son does not want to upset you but referring to his Dad but also he may be struggling with his own emotions which are difficult to articulate. I think he’s no response might speak louder than you may think although I can felel your sadness. My Mum never refers to my love of my life
I understand the son situation. My son posted on funeral day that he laid to rest the best man he will ever know. Since then (17 months ago) he doesn’t mention his Dad. My daughter has only just overcome her emotions to be able to talk with me about Dad, but I welcome those chats. This May will be our golden wedding anniversary but I will still quietly celebrate as I’m still married to him, albeit in the afterlife. Like everyone here I have changed so much over the last 2-3 years since he got suddenly ill, and battled for 10 months to stay with us. I’m sure he wouldn’t like the way I’ve given up on life, but I need time to try and build a new life.
Thank you for your reply. I don’t think it’s because my son doesn’t want to upset me. I used to think this but it’s only in the last 6 mths or so that I’ve been able to talk about my dear husband without tears so he must see that change now and it would mean such a lot to me if he would say something about him or even bring up the subject of his dad himself. Thank you for taking the time to answer, it’s appreciated.