Wedding without Mom

My mom and I like most had an interesting relationship. She was always more of a friend than a parent, but had a huge heart.
She ended up getting addicted to pain medication and was addicted from the time I was 15-30. I can not tell you how many times I have watched her OD. I was always there for her- more in a caregiver sense.
I got engaged in November 2022. My fiance is a surgeon and I am an internal medicine provider so we are an older couple. I am 35 and he is 42.
For xmas we decided to travel to my parents in PA since we live in NV. I knew my moms COPD was worsening and she was still smoking. I begged her to please not smoke until my wedding because I was so afraid of how we would safely get her to Nevada. Well she still was smoking, and in all honestly when we pulled up to house and I hugged her and we got in the car first thing she did was ask me to stop and buy her cigarettes. At this point I did, and when I handed them to her I told her go ahead and smoke because you and I both know you are endstage so why not do the things that you want to. As soon as I saw her I knew she was not going to be able to make a flight. I rented and air b and b. She refused to let me carry her up the steps as it was -20 windchill and icy . As soon as we got to the top she went into respiratory arrest and then cardiac. We performed CPR , and actually we did the entire resuscitation as we both were more skilled than the EMS team. She got her HR back so we intubated at the hospital to see if blowing off some C02 would change her cognition. It did not and she was very adamant that she did not want to have a breathing tube or be incapacitated. Once we determined her body would not likely survive and if she did it would be a very poor neurological outcome. My brother drove through the night and was there in 4 hours. It was xmas day when we received the final testing results confirming out suspicion that withdrawal was the best option to grant her a dignified death. We cranked up the morphine, I crawled in bed with her and she past a few hours later with her husband, my mother, myself and my fiance.

Fast forward, my wedding is now May 28th and we are in the middle of buying a house that will close 2nd week of April. I find myself crying everyday about her not being at my wedding

I don’t even want a wedding but my fiance does ---- he did my mom mouth to mouth so I owe him
I want the sadness to stop so I can enjoy these moments in mylife. The deep hurt and disbelief occur everyday.
I don’t have anything to say to other people except how depressed I am. I have been on medications ( and still are) as I knew this would be needed. At first I had lots of check in calls, but that has stopped and honestly no one even asks how I am holding up anymore

I need reassurance that this is normal . Its normal to have good and bad memories and its normal to cry everyday and that its normal to not be able to go back to seeing patients because all I can think about is her.

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Hello @jrmasslon, thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Your loss is so recent and raw, it is completely understandable you’re in a state of sadness and disbelief. As well as buying a new house, you are also getting married without your mom and that must be very difficult. Thank you for reaching out with these feelings.

You’ve asked if what you’re experiencing is normal. We have a support page called, “Am I normal?” which may help to read. There are other members who are healthcare professionals too, and I have seen many posts like yours where they have struggled to go back to seeing patients after losing a loved one. @Helen51 talks a little about that on this thread: Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum - so you are most definitely not alone.

I can see that you’re in the US. Our Our Grief Guide self-help platform has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief and is there for you no matter where in the world you are. Befrienders Worldwide can also help you find local support in person and on the phone if you need to talk to someone.

Hopefully someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard.

Take good care,