Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum

Thanks Helen,
Lots of people have said I was to mum but I don’t think so . I was just doing what any normal daughter would or should do. She would have done the same for me a thousand times over. When we both went through cancer together at the same time we were each other’s rocks. We kept each other going through all the appointments. Not in a million years would I have wished her to have cancer but I was so grateful to have my mum knowing exactly how I felt.
Now I feel everything about me has changed. My whole personality . Everything is different. I have completely lost my sparkle as someone recently told me and I have. Am having a really bad day today,
Like you it came as a shock at the hosp to be told on the phone death was imminent after just dropping her off at A and E. What i thought! When I left there 20mins ago she was sitting up reading a magazine after the A and E doctor had just told me it was an infection and they would be treating her with antibiotics. I shall never forgive them for telling me that on the telephone.
The rest is history as they say and I have written about it on here . Such a traumatic experience and one I will never recover from .
The past few days have been fairly ok . Have had crying bouts but not like today. I just feel a mess from crying and crying .
Don’t know about you or anyone else but I don’t even have the energy to get out of a chair.
I know my mum wouldn’t want this for me but I cant shrug all this to one side.
I have a new bed arriving on Fri so am hoping I can manage to sort the bedroom out then
Deborah x

Hi Julest
I was there in 1976 lol
Too early for you.
I lived after uni in a flat in Mumbles with the back facing the sea. It was a wonderful place to live.
My son went to Swansea uni in 2013 i think . What a small world !
Am doing okish. Having a wobbler today . Feel really down
Keep in touch and thinking of you Hope you are ok
Deborah x

I was at Cardiff Uni from 1990 to 1994. Many happy memories. I remember the day mum rook me to my halls of residence at Llys tal y bont. We got the room ready and looking nice. She sat on the bed and had a cry as she was letting me go. Now it’s me crying for her. :broken_heart: x

Oh Kate it really is our turn to cry for them now isn’t it. My Mum also cried buckets when they left me at Swansea. I was beyond excited and desperate to be independent- although loved returning home during holidays. I don’t think I really understood how my Mum must have felt until I became a Mother myself and now the feelings I have now Mum has passed. I’ve thrown myself back into being a Social Worker over the last couple of weeks but like Deborah mentioned, I too feel like I have lost my sparkle somewhat. I don’t feel I care the same way for some of my families and that worries me - but I have already had 7 weeks off and can’t take anymore time off - I’ve been told the service has struggled without me. I feel like I don’t care but that sounds awful - I have always been passionate about making a difference to peoples lives but not so much at this stage xx

Hi Helen. I get you totally… here we are only 1st March but I’m already feeling emotional and sad. March was mum’s month and full of hope and new beginnings. Have been feeling down again. It seems the only way I can get through the day is to force myself to keep busy and my mind concentrated on something.
Your mum was right with what she said about losing our mums… They went through it, their grandmothers and so on. It gives us hope that one day we too will be in a happier place. I think their generation are very wise and stoic. Mum experienced the war, had quite a hard childhood, coming from a modest famijy with 5 siblings, but she always said her childhood and adolescence were very happy times. They didn’t have much, but were always happy.:heart:
I miss her wisdom and strength of character right now. I’m not that brave, I wish I was half as courageous as she was I’m just an emotional mess and I need her to help me get through this hell but she can’t.
All I can do is listen to the advice she would give me and act on that. I know she wouldn’t want me like this. I just wish I had had the time to tell her all I would have wanted to and had been there closer to her, I feel like I failed her at the end by not doing/being “enough”.

Try to think that your mum is there with you in that stadium and I’m sure she’s thrilled that you are taking her place. It’s lovely that you can go there for the matches and relive her passion for the game.

Hope we both feel a bit better soon Helen.
Sending love.
K xxx

Hi julest, I feel exactly the same at work. I went back last week after 6 weeks off. I’m a nurse and am normally quite caring and genuinely interested in my patients. I now don’t care anymore. I’ve got no interest in listening to people telling me about their diet, smoking habits etc. I’m just going through the motions. My aim is just go to work, do the job and then get home ASAP. I can’t do general chit-chat with colleagues either. I just switch off after a couple of minutes when people go on about their night out, what their builders are doing etc. My mum just died and my world is collapsing around me., I really don’t care if your plasterer didn’t turn up!!
Your job is so draining as a social worker. I hope you can enjoy the job again but honestly, move on if it’s too much. I am as soon as my other job comes available. Look after yourself. We have to be as happy as we can. For our mums. Lots of love to you Helen xxx

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Me too Kate. I’m trying to use my mum as my example on how to do this. It was so hard going to the stadium today. It was mums great passion and she just loved it. I went back to dads for a brew. He got some letters from the bank etc that we are helping him with. One from mums account. I helped dad fill a form in with all mums bank details. It really got to me. I got home and just sat with mums ashes and broke my heart for well over an hour. I was really crying so much. So much for dogs being sensitive and loyal, mine just gets up and off when I cry. She hates it. No comfort from her!! Lol
We will get there Kate. I am optimistic that I will be happy again. We will one day learn to accept that it was just their time. Nothing we could have done could change that. I go over and over stuff a lot too. I wish I’d done this with mum, said that etc We can go on forever but time just ran out and we didn’t realise. Our mums were loved by us so much. We could not have loved them anymore. We couldn’t have saved them. They were always going to go before us, unless we did and can you imagine the unbearable pain for our mums if we went first. Our mums died surrounded by love. They knew how much we loved them. They felt it everyday, even without us having to tell them. They knew it. The fact we are on here and searched for some answers/help shows our utter heartbreak because we loved them and still love them so very much.
In time we will learn so much from losing our mums. We will be kinder, cherish loved ones more, live life more fuller, we will one day shine more brightly because of our mums and that light will be our mums shining through us. Our pain will lessen one day. We will see them again Kate. Mum said she will find me when it’s my turn but told me to live a happy life for her. Sending you so much love, Hxxx

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Oh Deborah, what support you and your mum must have given each other to go through cancer together. It must have strengthened your bond even more. I too am having a terrible day today. Got home from taking my dad out and just broke down. I sat on the floor next to mums ashes and just cried and cried inconsolably. It’s what we need to be doing right now. This is the worst time of my whole life. It’s a massive trauma. The loss is life changing. We loved our mums so much. The heartbreak is because we love them so much. Our mums knew how much we loved them and we will love them forever. The shock of losing them will take time to process. We will be okay, one day. Our mums did it. They lost their mums and carried on. We have to aim to be like them. They were wonderful mums. The best. We will always be their daughters and they will always be our mums. The bond is forever and so is the love. They gave us enough love to carry us through for always. It is the hardest thing not having them physically here. We have to keep going for them. Lots of love to you Helen xx

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Hi Julest. It must be very hard doing your job now having to focus on other people’s emotional well being when you are struggling yourself. My only advice would be to do what makes you truly happy as we now realise how precious life is.
I agree, only since having my son 10 years ago can I really understand what our mums went through when we left home. I’m already dreading him leaving home!
Sending love and strength to get through these difficult days. Kate xx


Oh Helen thanks for that message; all that you say is 100% true, it’s just that at times I feel myself spiralling back down that black hole of despair, beating myself up and thinking totally irrationally about everything.
I’ve just been sat on mum’s spot on the sofa silently crying away, couldn’t even help Alex with his homework tonight and that’s normally my job.

You’ve had an emotionally draining day too, but you got through it. We will get stronger day by day, we will be our mums’ light in this world and they will live on through us.
Thank you for your support, it means so much.
Hoping tomorrow will be a little easier for us both.
Lots of love.Kxxx

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Hi Helen,
Thank you for your kind words yet again. I was supposed to collect mums ashes today but failed again to even leave the house. I just couldn’t do anything today. I am going to try again tom.
Yes agree this is the worst thing we will go through. I cant bear it . I actually don’t know how to carry on .
Today I sorted some more things and my hubby helped me otherwise I would have just stopped. Just a few cupboards nothing much but i suppose its a start in this journey.
I feel better at least seeing my home coming together a bit more. I was always at mums so never had time to do anything here.
I am going to try to go out tom as haven’t been out for 3 weeks.
Just feel so miserable
Deborah x

Thanks Kate, we will indeed shine for our mums one day. I’m on a real downer right now. I’m sick of feeling sad all the time. I’m really hating work which doesn’t help. Seeing dad so sad is breaking my heart. He cried today as someone from BT phoned him about mums mobile phone. It was awful hearing dad explain what had happened and tears in his eyes. I just really miss my life when mum was here. Everything makes me miss her. There was a programme on about Bamburgh castle, Northumberland and all I could think was how nice it would have been to take mum and dad up there. Sadly it won’t ever happen now. I was doing okay last week but this week has been so difficult. I know this is how it will be but I’m just hoping the clouds will lift a little soon.
I know you’ve been low too Kate and I have been thinking about you. I hope you feel better soon. Sending you lots of love Helen xx

Hi Deborah, I can relate to what you say. I can’t even think about the future as it seems inconceivable that mum won’t be there. Like you, I can’t bear it. It’s too much to take isn’t it? I’ve had a terrible week. I was a bit better last week but just feeling the devastation of it all this week. Just not being able to go round and tell her about my day at work. Mum was a nurse too and was always so interested in my shift and what I’d been up to. The gaping hole she has left is too much to cope with. Like you I’m just miserable. Are you eating okay? I’m hoping we feel better soon. Lots of love Helen xx

Sorry you are feeling so low Helen. Seeing your dad so forlorn and sad must be heartbreaking. I’m glad in a way that I only have to witness my own grief, but on the other hand it would be so comforting to have a family member to share my grief with.
If you are struggling with work, do as you wanted and go back to your old job, doing agency work in the meantime. It’s not good to put yourself through added stress at this time if your job is making you unhappy.

Today I plucked up the courage to go into mum’s room.
I was alone so I went in and just sat there on the bed where it happened and I felt at peace. I didn’t feel traumatised, although the memory was strong. I opened a drawer and smelt one of her jumpers… that made me cry. I did feel close to her, it was a big step for me.

I do feel a bit stronger today, after being an emotional wreck yesterday. I saw my counsellor this evening and she thought I did very well today for facing my fear.
She has seen a real improvement in me she says. It helps to talk to her about various aspects of my grief and know that all I am experiencing is totally normal. She said that for the first year we are experencing early grief, so we must go easy on ourselves.

Just one day at a time Helen is all we can do. There will be days that are a real struggle and others where we will feel stronger. We have to keep soldiering on for our mums’ sake, but also for our family who need us.
Sending love, Kxxx

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Hi Helen,
I miss everything about my mum . Not being able to phone her is a killer. Just wish they had a phone in heaven.
I have come to the conclusion that every day is going to be miserable so if its a tiny bit better then that’s an improvement.
I still haven’t picked mums ashes up. Couldn’t bear to do it. But I will asap.
Hope you are feeling a bit better tonight
Deborah x

Hi Kate.
Like you I am going to go tom to my mums house and stay there on my own.
Part of me wonders whether she will give me a sign but if not it’s ok .
I am going to try to sort one wardrobe and that’s it. Nothing else. I hate the fact I shall be carrying mums things out of her house so shall do it when it is dark. So sad.
Hope you are ok

Thanks Kate, yes seeing dad like this is really difficult. I’m taking him to Tesco today. It’s kind of becoming our Friday thing together. It just gets him out amongst people and life. Mum was the sociable one who met up with friends, joined a walking group etc. dad doesn’t have any friends and both his brothers have passed. Mum and us were all he needed. It’s heartbreaking to speak like this, but mum would have coped better if dad had gone first. Dad has COPD so his breathing isn’t great. We can’t really do nice walks together as he gets breathless. Mum would have got herself out and got on better. She’d have still wanted to go on holidays with us after a while, but dad seems to be just giving up. Anyway, it’s still very early days so I am trying to be optimistic.
That was a huge step for you going into your mums room Kate. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. I’m glad you also got some comfort feeling close to your mum. It’s just doing what feels right, when it feels right isn’t it. We’ve offered to help dad sort mums clothes out etc but he hasn’t said anything about it so not going to mention it for a bit. He mustn’t be ready. We were just going to put everything in boxes to store them so they aren’t there facing us all the time. I went up to the bathroom at dads yesterday. I opened the bathroom cabinet and saw mums nail varnish remover and cotton wool. Something so simple like that just feels like it’s shouting to me ‘YOUR MUM WAS HERE, BUT NOW SHE ISN’T!!!’
It is good having sisters but I do have an irrational fear of death and losing them. I said to Tom, I just feel like the rest of my life is going to be losing the people I love; him, .My sisters, my brother (he has Parkinson’s disease) my dad, I know it’s just the grief but it’s one my overriding thoughts and it makes me very miserable. I tell you, I’m great fun to be around!!
Hearing that you are moving forward through the grief gives me hope. You are a couple of months ahead of me. I realise grief is different for everyone and the timeframe and pattern is also different but I do get comfort from people who are now out of the pits of despair. I have actually woken up feeling a little better this morning so am hoping I have a good few days. This seems to be a pattern for me.
I’ll say bye for now as I’m off to the doctors to get some HRT. Life is such a blast right now Lol. Lots of love to you Hxx

This is such a beautiful song. I’m in tears already and it’s not even 8am! Luckily have a day off today. I also see my Dad on a Friday. My Mum was also the sociable one ( before the Alzheimer’s took her personality) and Dad doesn’t have any friends. It is almost like he is giving up now completely. I’ve cooked some meals for him and doing his shopping later but he just sits at home staring out the window. I think Alzheimer’s is kicking in for him now. Lost all my grandparents to Alzheimer’s and now looks like dad may be going the same way as Mum. I worry about my own future but I need to snap out of this negativity before it destroys me. X

Thank you Julest.
I love the song too.
You are doing so well looking after your dad. I agree they do tend to give up but be strong for him and make sure he keeps going.
My mum used to stare out of the window and tap the table with her fingers. She used to love watching the birds but I know she was lonely . I used to see her at least 4 times a week and stay overnight so she wasn’t on her own an awful lot She had wonderful neighbours who went in to see her every day and she saw them passing her house so would always be in the window when they went or came home from work.
I took her out every time I went to se her and we would be out for hours doing all sorts . I miss her so much.
Everything upsets me at the moment.
I haven’t collected her ashes yet. Can’t bring myself to do it. My husband is going to phone today to make an appointment for us to get them because I cant even make the telephone call… I was so strong in the run up to the funeral but now I have just got worse.
Keep in touch and stay strong for your dad
Deborah x