l can think about hubby, talk to him, look at his photo sitting by his ashes and yet… what clutches at my heart are…
l cannot put the radio on coz the music reminds me of him…
l cannot put the TV on as there are programmes he always watched (up until the end) which are constantly on repeat…
and the rest of the programmes are too mindnumbingly boring to even have on in the background.
But that leaves me with silence and my thoughts.
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@Lotswife I find it really difficult to look at photos or videos. I also can’t watch the programmes we watched together on tv. It’s all too painful and just upsets me. Maybe in time this will be different as I know some people get great comfort from looking at photos of their loved one
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@Lonely such a inspiring and positive post. I find music is such a trigger. I can’t have the radio on in the car and sometimes the music that they play in the shops trigger me off. I lost my husband suddenly at Christmas. He was 53 years old. I keep looking far into the future thinking he would be retiring in 12 years. We would be enjoying our retirement and travelling ect. I just wonder how you cope with that as feel that I am going to have a lonely future without my John. X
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I often put radio on just for background noise xx
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I had the radio on in the car for the first time yesterday but only on volume 1 so I couldn’t really here anything 
Bry was 58, I’m the same age as your John . I kept saying to Bry 2 year max at work for him & I would reduce my hours more so we could start to do more travelling together. We talked about it often , right up until he passed .
He still used to worry about the money lasting if he did retire & look what’s happened, so I now think if I have to stay on this earth longer then what’s the bloody point of keeping hold of it and just make as many memories with the kids as possible , but then I cry because he should have got that chance!! He worked so hard for it 
He enjoyed work though & probably would have carried on with some kind of work I guess. Bizarrely he thought that carrying on working would keep him fit & going . If only xxx
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@PollyjaneW I know it is so bloody sad that our men have been robbed of their lives at a young age and we have been robbed of our future plans and dreams with our men. Life is so unfair and cruel. I feel so angry that this has happened and like you had no closure and had the tumour finding our men dead. I keep asking myself why and why didn’t I notice that he was ill. I was married to John for 25 years. He also worked so hard and only just got a new job and work to the day before he died. I just don’t understand it at all. I just want him back as hate the thought of living a life without John. I often sat in the kitchen to watch my soaps and John in the lounge watching Dave and quest but I would join him at 9pm. I used to have such a good social life with friends while John was happy to do say at home and relax or see a friend. We loved spending time together on our holidays which was twice a year. Now everything has gone. Oh how I hate this bloody life…big hugs xx
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@PollyjaneW I also feel that we have complicated grief due to the sudden death of our love ones. Xx
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We literally sound exactly the same . Bry was 9 months into a new job with no weekends to work. I used to watch my soaps while Bry pottered then we would sit down , cuddle up & watch a drama .
I’m the same , did I miss something ? What if I had noticed that night .
Bry finished work on Tuesday, went to take mums washer out while I was with her at hospital . We pulled up around the same time , he made me & my son & quick tea as it was late then he had a quick pizza , next morning he was gone 
sending you a big hug xxxx
100%. It’s what I struggle with the most & the thought I am never going to see him ( in this world anyway) again
Xxx💗
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@PollyjaneW just the same for me. I do wonder if he died in a car crash would I feel better but no I would still feel the same as I do now. Just want him back and miss my lovely John so much
Xx 
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Exactly what I said to my daughter the other day , I know I’d still grieve the same , but could I accept that more than him just dying like he did ? 
xxx
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I wonder if im same … cos oh they were gonna sort my husband until devastating blow 6 weeks before he passed and told me.that couldnt do anything else ! Too damn late ! Fancy that being given a death sentence ? I held it together for him for 6 weeks and then fell apart after he passed. My poor husband : ( im due to have counselling soon … have you and @PollyjaneW got anything like that sorted ? X
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Oh Deb’s I’m so sorry that you had to go through that pain knowing that your husband was going to die. I wouldn’t be surprised if have got PTSD. I wish bloody cancer would do one and with all this money going to cancer research why can’t they give people a full body scan once a year. X
I know … well thing is he went to hospital about a year before and they flagged up a problem year before but never investigated further ! You trust the bloody drs dont you that they know what they doing … he had a scan im sure he did … why didnt they pick something up then ? If you dont hear anything you presume all ok ! Its the NHS its bloody crap ! Not worth the paper its written on ! Its a third world service im afraid ! And i dont care for me but i care for him and the fact i no longer have my lovely husband who meant the world to me ! These people might be numbers to them drs but theyre our loved ones arent they ! And yeh where does all this money go they raise ?? Huh … not much use if its not saving lives of people in their 50/60 s is it !! And like i said on morning to district nurse when he passed away - they managed to sort covid quick enough though didnt they !!! Why all these years is it taking them so long to fight cancer !!!
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Oh lordy … its terrible isnt it ! It isnt just funding its also incompetence at these hospitals isnt it ? I stayed with my husband when he was in hospital nearly all day too … he managed to get home for a week before like he wanted but then just stopped eating and drinking and why didnt they put him on a drip ??? - i used gold line … they knew ! Its just crap! I just feel the care is crap i really do ! Not saying that for effect it just is ! Fact !!!
I had an aunty and a cousin who were nurses and i myself worked in NHS too ! My cousin who now lives in france was shocked at his care ! Theyre so much better over their as its medical insurance ! Not the shambles of an NHS we now have !!! Xx
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I think if his health hadnt gone down hill so quick i wouldve just paid to go private ! I wouldve sold my house and lived in a caravan if it meant i could still have him !!! 
but it was all too late and stupidlt i thought the NHS knew what they were doing ! Huh ! X
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Yeh very worrying isnt it i think i feel more angry that he was in hospital year before and they “found nothing” yet the consultant said the cancer been there for at least a year !! and so in end it was too late ! That wasnt our fault it was theres ! !! Flipping crazy … i know they can never be perfect but the fact that they get so much wrong in the end feels like negligence to me he was only 60 my poor darling and he loved life ;( even his dad survived until he was 65 and that was 15/20 years ago ! I believe our NHS is actually killing people ! My mum who is 83 won’t even go to drs cos she doesn’t trust them ! Sad state of affairs isnt it xx
Lonely
Your story says it all about our NHS now. So many distressing stories in this forum. I do wonder where it will all end.
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