l can think about hubby, talk to him, look at his photo sitting by his ashes and yet… what clutches at my heart are…
l cannot put the radio on coz the music reminds me of him…
l cannot put the TV on as there are programmes he always watched (up until the end) which are constantly on repeat…
and the rest of the programmes are too mindnumbingly boring to even have on in the background.
But that leaves me with silence and my thoughts.
7 Likes
@Lotswife I find it really difficult to look at photos or videos. I also can’t watch the programmes we watched together on tv. It’s all too painful and just upsets me. Maybe in time this will be different as I know some people get great comfort from looking at photos of their loved one
3 Likes
Dear Lotswife,
I know exactly what you mean, but I will tell you, after being on my own for over eight years since my husband died, that it will get better but it takes time, a lot of time and you will, one day learn to smile again when you look at his photos. Music, as I have found, still gives me a kick in the stomach when I hear our songs being played, sometimes they bring me to tears as the memories come flooding back. I still cannot watch TV programmes that we loved and laughed at together either.
You will, in time learn to live a totally different life and I can honestly say that even though this is the life I never thought I would end up with, it is a life where I can laugh, smile and enjoy things on my own. I have found that I enjoy doing what I want when I want but it has taken me eight years to get here and I am happy in my own way, but things will never be the same, they can’t be as I have lost the love of my life and I will never get over losing him but I will cope because I have to.
9 Likes
@Lonely such a inspiring and positive post. I find music is such a trigger. I can’t have the radio on in the car and sometimes the music that they play in the shops trigger me off. I lost my husband suddenly at Christmas. He was 53 years old. I keep looking far into the future thinking he would be retiring in 12 years. We would be enjoying our retirement and travelling ect. I just wonder how you cope with that as feel that I am going to have a lonely future without my John. X
2 Likes
Dear Hazel,
Thank you for your lovely comment.
I agree, even now after eight years without my husband I find it is the music that brings tears to my eyes. My Peter had so many hobbies and one of them was record collecting and our sons now have them and they bought a record player so they could play their dad’s records on it because they say that they sound so much better on Vinyl. If I play my own playlist which I copied from Peter’s laptop after he died, I am fine because I am prepared for them but when it is a song we both loved plays out of the blue, like in a tv advert or in a shop it knocks me sideways.
My Peter was 58 when he started being ill but was not diagnosed until he was 60
as his health was failing so he took early retirement and for the next eight years I looked after him and he died aged 68.
Your husband was so young, my dad died aged 57, my sister was 47 when she died so I totally understand what you are going through, the fears for the future because my mum and brother in law were so young to be left to live the rest of their lives without their soulmates.
I count myself lucky, I am now 80 years old, I was 72 when Peter died so we had a long and happy life together and made so many memories, but we don’t want memories we want our loved ones back. My heart aches for people like yourself who are too young to have lost their partners, their future together has been cut short.
You ask me how I cope, to be truthful, up until Peter was taken ill when he was 58, we travelled all over the world so when he took early retirement due to ill health I looked after him for the next eight years of his life but I didn’t miss the travelling at all, as long as we were together every day, watching TV, sitting in the garden etc. that was enough for me because the specialist told us that the next infection would be his last one, so we took it one day at a time. I don’t know how he did it, but he kept going for eight years.
I do count myself lucky because not many people get to spend time with their loved ones before they die so I have no regrets at all, we had a fantastic life, wonderful sons and grandchildren and that is all anyone can wish for. Yes, I want him back, but that won’t happen so I just get on with it. I still have off days but then I have lovely days.
Please take care.
Sheila.x
7 Likes
I often put radio on just for background noise xx
4 Likes
I had the radio on in the car for the first time yesterday but only on volume 1 so I couldn’t really here anything 
Bry was 58, I’m the same age as your John . I kept saying to Bry 2 year max at work for him & I would reduce my hours more so we could start to do more travelling together. We talked about it often , right up until he passed .
He still used to worry about the money lasting if he did retire & look what’s happened, so I now think if I have to stay on this earth longer then what’s the bloody point of keeping hold of it and just make as many memories with the kids as possible , but then I cry because he should have got that chance!! He worked so hard for it 
He enjoyed work though & probably would have carried on with some kind of work I guess. Bizarrely he thought that carrying on working would keep him fit & going . If only xxx
4 Likes
@PollyjaneW I know it is so bloody sad that our men have been robbed of their lives at a young age and we have been robbed of our future plans and dreams with our men. Life is so unfair and cruel. I feel so angry that this has happened and like you had no closure and had the tumour finding our men dead. I keep asking myself why and why didn’t I notice that he was ill. I was married to John for 25 years. He also worked so hard and only just got a new job and work to the day before he died. I just don’t understand it at all. I just want him back as hate the thought of living a life without John. I often sat in the kitchen to watch my soaps and John in the lounge watching Dave and quest but I would join him at 9pm. I used to have such a good social life with friends while John was happy to do say at home and relax or see a friend. We loved spending time together on our holidays which was twice a year. Now everything has gone. Oh how I hate this bloody life…big hugs xx
6 Likes
@PollyjaneW I also feel that we have complicated grief due to the sudden death of our love ones. Xx
1 Like
We literally sound exactly the same . Bry was 9 months into a new job with no weekends to work. I used to watch my soaps while Bry pottered then we would sit down , cuddle up & watch a drama .
I’m the same , did I miss something ? What if I had noticed that night .
Bry finished work on Tuesday, went to take mums washer out while I was with her at hospital . We pulled up around the same time , he made me & my son & quick tea as it was late then he had a quick pizza , next morning he was gone 
sending you a big hug xxxx
100%. It’s what I struggle with the most & the thought I am never going to see him ( in this world anyway) again
Xxx💗
1 Like
@PollyjaneW just the same for me. I do wonder if he died in a car crash would I feel better but no I would still feel the same as I do now. Just want him back and miss my lovely John so much
Xx 
2 Likes
Exactly what I said to my daughter the other day , I know I’d still grieve the same , but could I accept that more than him just dying like he did ? 
xxx
2 Likes
I wonder if im same … cos oh they were gonna sort my husband until devastating blow 6 weeks before he passed and told me.that couldnt do anything else ! Too damn late ! Fancy that being given a death sentence ? I held it together for him for 6 weeks and then fell apart after he passed. My poor husband : ( im due to have counselling soon … have you and @PollyjaneW got anything like that sorted ? X
1 Like
Oh Deb’s I’m so sorry that you had to go through that pain knowing that your husband was going to die. I wouldn’t be surprised if have got PTSD. I wish bloody cancer would do one and with all this money going to cancer research why can’t they give people a full body scan once a year. X
I know … well thing is he went to hospital about a year before and they flagged up a problem year before but never investigated further ! You trust the bloody drs dont you that they know what they doing … he had a scan im sure he did … why didnt they pick something up then ? If you dont hear anything you presume all ok ! Its the NHS its bloody crap ! Not worth the paper its written on ! Its a third world service im afraid ! And i dont care for me but i care for him and the fact i no longer have my lovely husband who meant the world to me ! These people might be numbers to them drs but theyre our loved ones arent they ! And yeh where does all this money go they raise ?? Huh … not much use if its not saving lives of people in their 50/60 s is it !! And like i said on morning to district nurse when he passed away - they managed to sort covid quick enough though didnt they !!! Why all these years is it taking them so long to fight cancer !!!
3 Likes
Dear Deb5,
I stayed with my husband from 10 in the morning until 11 at night when he was admitted to hospital over the eight years he was ill. Luckily I had retired so was able to do it. The doctors wrote treatments on his records that were meant for another patient, they took bloods for diabetes (he did not have diabetes) for another patient, he was put down for an enema meant for another patient. Peter was afraid to be on his own as he could not talk to the doctors or nursing staff as he was wearing a CPAP mask that helped him breathe. Every morning when I walked in I checked the chart at the bottom of his bed to ensure there were no errors. (I had worked for the NHS for 20 years and knew all the medication as I took messages from hospitals regarding treatment so I had a good idea when something was not right). I even had an argument with the registrar when I found out that they had removed his Nebuliser but after speaking to him, the registrar apologised and said, sorry, wrong patient so I just said, will someone please put my husband’s bloody name over his bed, not one patient had their name over their beds, they were going by the charts hanging off the foot of the bed and the nurses were putting the charts back on the wrong beds after the registrar had written in them. It was horrendous. It got to the stage that Peter cried when I had to go home at 11 pm.
I dread to think what would have happened if I only visited him at visiting times as he would have been given treatments that were not meant for him and the patients who they were meant for would never have had them.
Like you say, The NHS has gone to pot. I did look into a private health scheme with BUPA but when you get to 80 years of age, there aren’t many medical conditions left that they will cover you for. Pre-existing medical conditions they call it, just like a pet insurance. I have had an official DNR set up by my GP which is now on all my medical records. If I get a serious illness that needs drastic treatment I have requested palliative care, if my Peter had still been here then I would not have done it but he isn’t here.
2 Likes
Oh lordy … its terrible isnt it ! It isnt just funding its also incompetence at these hospitals isnt it ? I stayed with my husband when he was in hospital nearly all day too … he managed to get home for a week before like he wanted but then just stopped eating and drinking and why didnt they put him on a drip ??? - i used gold line … they knew ! Its just crap! I just feel the care is crap i really do ! Not saying that for effect it just is ! Fact !!!
I had an aunty and a cousin who were nurses and i myself worked in NHS too ! My cousin who now lives in france was shocked at his care ! Theyre so much better over their as its medical insurance ! Not the shambles of an NHS we now have !!! Xx
1 Like